READING GUIDANCE
" This is a direct sentence in the present time."
" This is a direct sentence in the past time."
' This is a character's inner thought in the present time.'
' This is a character's inner thought in the past time.'
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the present time.]
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the past time.]
HAPPY READING!
[ I feel so tired... Your Grace]
The image of her miserable expression while she spoke those words still vividly lingered in his mind. It was a lifeless smile—clear and unmistakable—as if nothing in this world could move her anymore, nothing that could excite or stir her heart. He found no pleasure in those words. It felt so disgusting and annoyed him to the core, but he couldn't even express it as if his throat was closed tightly.
It was the first time he felt no air inside his lungs.
Despite the fury inside him, despite the fact that he wanted to yell at her about why she chose this path, he ended up looking at her, feeling so empty.
'Why do you always try to go away?'
And why did his heart feel a strange, uncomfortable sensation he couldn't understand?
'Is it because I dig too much?'
But how could he not? Whenever he saw her struggling and suffering, as if she were trying to release something stuck in her throat while palely trembling—it shook his heart. So, how was he supposed to react?
He frowned painfully in the darkness of his room. Her fragrance that still lingered tortured him to a level he never expected.
"That damned trauma."
His whole life had been filled with wicked things. He never thought there would be a time when he felt such hatred towards a mere trauma. To make it even worse, he couldn't eliminate it with his own hands, as it was something he could not touch.
'If I should fight it for you, I would.'
He had already done something for her that he never expected—caring about someone's existence so much.
'Do you ever realize how I longed for you while you were not here?
Even now, he was longing for her, who was not in a place he could see entirely.
This was so frustrating.
He had never felt this kind of frustration. It annoyed him so much that he spread his aura uncontrollably, filling the whole room—something he usually avoided as it took away his sanity. Yet, he didn't care as he was unfamiliar with how to deal with these feelings or how to vent his anger.
'Because I couldn't force you, am I?'
It felt as if he were the one in pain more than her if he ever did that.
'... And I'm now talking about pain?'
Ironically, for someone like him, it was truly a laughing matter, wasn't it? Surely it was.
.
.
It had been a month since Irisha and Arisha returned to their house. Irisha had requested an indefinite time off. This sudden leave shocked everyone, as Irisha was one of the important people in the palace. Her sudden departure created a big fuss in the governor's office. Yet, the crown prince gave permission himself, so no one could complain.
The world continued to run as usual, as if nothing had happened. It was always like that, despite the fact that many people were affected by this sudden change. Even Arisha, who was still a child, felt the impact of her sister's absence and now felt helpless.
"I will take Arisha to school," Haya said, smiling at Irisha as she stood in front of her house. He adjusted her shawl and smiled weakly. "My wife will come later. She has cooked something for both of you."
Irisha smiled. [ Thank you. Please, take care of Arisha.] Her face was pale, and she couldn't even face Arisha, who looked at her with concern.
"... I will go, sister," Arisha said sullenly.
Irisha nodded. Be careful. She waved her hand and stood there until she could no longer see them. Then her smile faded as she walked into her empty house, which now felt so terrifying.
She went to her kitchen, opened the pill bottle she had bought to help calm herself down, and took a few pills. She tried to exhale and inhale the air, which recently felt heavy.
She frowned painfully, holding her head as if it would burst and explode at any moment. Yet, human desire is indeed terrifying.
'Stop it.'
And the voices felt so tormenting.
'Please, stop it..'.
Even as she begged, the voices took away her sanity.
The light flashed several times, making her look at the front door as if it were a sign that someone was outside her house.
'Is it Haya's wife?' she thought, tidying up her medicine and walking to the front door to open it. It felt strange because Haya's wife already had the key she had given them. Her doubts were confirmed when she found someone else at the front door. 'Mr. Edward?'
The young businessman she had not seen for a while. "Hello, Ms. Irisha," he said with a sweet smile.
She was confused. ... [Hello, ]she said, then smiled. [ I wasn't expecting you to come to my house.]
"Well, yes," he said. "I just wanted to visit you." He looked at her for a while, trying to maintain his smile even though he realized something was wrong. "It's been a while."
[ Yes, it has.] She nodded. [ Please come in. I'll pour you some tea.]
"May I?" he asked expectantly.
She tilted her head. [ You came all the way here, or were you just passing by?]
"No, no, no! It will be my pleasure!" he said. "Please excuse me." He walked into the house and sat on the comfortable sofa in the first room.
[I will prepare some tea for you first, ]she said before leaving him alone in the room with its nice decoration and cozy vibe. Somehow, he could easily tell that this was Irisha's style. She always looked so calm and comfortable with everything around her every time he saw her—but today, it felt different.
Despite her calm and composed appearance, she sat down in front of him with her usual demeanor. "... People in the palace asked about you," he said, starting to realize that although she looked the same, she wasn't facing him as she usually did.
'You're not okay, are you?' Yet, strangely enough, it was so difficult to voice it.
[.. I feel like I need a break from the hectic work, ]she said,, smiling weakly. To anyone else, the smile might have looked perfectly normal—gentle and calm as always—but to someone who truly knew her, the faint exhaustion behind it was impossible to miss. [ I'm sorry for that.]
"Humans do need rest, Ms. Irisha."
She nodded. [Yes.] The casual word seemed to impact her deeply.
... You look so tired. Somehow, the bright side of her seemed to be fading. Yet, she always tried to smile and maintain a normal conversation as if everything was fine.
'Can't you tell me what's happening?'
"I'm waiting for you, and I will be here always," he said without any sign language. It felt so terrifying to say it in front of her, as if he knew she would eventually disappear from his sight if he did. "There is a festival near this area. Would you like to see it?"
[Festival?]
"Yes. You should take a look," he said. "... If you feel alright, I'll accompany you."
She took a moment before speaking. She looked at the window near the front door and turned away. [ Should I?] she asked while smiling.
It made him excited. "Then, shall we go now?"
She nodded, and they went in his carriage to the festival Edward had mentioned. He was confident that Irisha would enjoy the annual festival celebrating the passing season. She was always like that from the start. There were many beautiful things, and he imagined she would be excited, exploring the various stands selling unique items. He envisioned her dancing with the people or playing with the scattered flowers. The place was filled with laughter, music, and fun, yet she looked like someone who did not belong among them—as if all that happiness existed in a world she could not step into.
Yet, she just stood there, looking into the crowd as if she were drowning in her own thoughts. She did speak to him when he brought up a topic, but he felt like she wasn't truly present.
'... You can tell me.'
Again, it was so hard to say it out loud. It was terrifying to let her know he was here for her.
'Even though you're the one who tells me how beautiful the world is,' it seemed this festival would never help her realize that.
He frowned before forcing a wide smile. "That satay is a local cuisine. I'll buy it for you. Please wait here." There was nothing else he could do but be with her and try to cheer her up. A small thing might make a difference, and he always believed in that. So please... just give him a chance.
"Ms. Irisha?" His eyes widened when he realized Irisha was nowhere to be seen. "Ms. Irisha?!" he shouted, his composure starting to crumble. He ran around, hoping to find her—her brunette hair he wished to touch, her tiny body he wished to embrace—but,
'I'm losing in every way, aren't I?'
In front of him, he felt the unfairness of how she could show her expression to someone feared by others.
.
.
She thought she would be her usual self if she decided to leave the place she shouldn't be. She thought that if she went back to where she was, the voices would calm down. Yet, since the last day she saw those golden eyes, the vivid dreams of the bloody woman had continued.
... And they made her scream inside desperately, even though the place she was in now depicted clear joy and fun, with many people dancing happily.
"You cannot be happy because you are a murderer."
"You are the one who killed them."
"You are the one who killed me."
The thick blood seemed to cover her imagination as her nausea threatened to overtake her once more.
'I cannot understand what you are saying.' She thought while looking at Edward, who was speaking in front of her. Even though she didn't understand what they were talking about, she somehow managed to pretend well. She didn't even know why he eventually left her—she didn't even recognize how she ended up by the river.
Yet, the darkness of the river was so tempting. From the bridge, the water below looked endlessly deep, its dark current moving slowly under the cold air, as if ready to swallow anything that fell into it.
'... It might easily end all of this pain, wouldn't it?'
She realized how unbearable this punishment was, even for her.
'If I jump, everything will end, right?'
'It might hurt Arisha, but...' It was so painful. It was so tormenting.
She frowned while gripping the rail of the bridge, which tempted her to jump. Yet—
"IRISHA!" Once more, the hand she missed every day grabbed her own. The golden eyes she longed for, the scent that calmed her—he was here. She frowned painfully as her suppressed desire overflowed. It screamed inside her.
'I want to be with you.'
'Please help me.'
'Don't let me go.'
Her mind was going crazy.
"What are you doing?!" he shouted, grabbing her tightly. "I told you, you can't hurt yourself! I already told you not to!"
He wasn't using any sign language, but his anger was evident from his face.
'You are mad.'
'Why are you mad to this extent?'
'Why are you here?'
Her thoughts were a whirlwind.
'Will you be the same if you know who I am?'
'Will you still accept the sinful me?'
'It is terrifying to imagine it.' It was agonizing to visualize him despising her.
Her mind was going wild.
.... Because she realized long ago that he was the one who gave her the most comfort and happiness she could ever experience. Yet, she also realized she wasn't meant to have happiness.
... It would be better not to know the ending.
It would help her more if he did not know her past.
No one should know.
They must not.
'I don't have the courage to face it,' as she was just a mere human.
Her mind screamed for escape. Spotting Edward, she grabbed his hand and ran, leaving Castra frozen on the bridge, her heart pounding under the weight of the unknown pressure driving her forward.
***