Walking into his father's home, he is immediately bombarded by him.
"You need a haircut."
His father is a sturdy man, with short spiky hair and strong features. His muscles may be tough, but his body has certainly seen better days. Especially his gut. Blue-gray eyes that never appear proud peer down. It's never good enough for him. He's never good enough.
Expectations after expectations, and when those expectations are met... there is no reward. While he doesn't know the details fully, Sirius believes his father caused the divorce. His mother is constantly arguing over the phone with him about when Sirius and his brother are there or at her house. His stuck-up attitude, the way he always thinks he's always in the right, the never-ending comments and complaints he has about Sirius...
It's all so... mind-numbing.
"Yeah, yeah," Sirius throws on a smile and pretends to chuckle. But his dad doesn't waver, instead, he simply leaves the room. Sirius returns to his dead expression.
While Sirius acts happy in front of his dad, the truth remains...
-I hate you.
Silverware clanking fills the soundscape of supper. Yellow light from the ceiling coats the wooden dining table. Sirius is seated next to his brother, Canopus. The two brothers couldn't look less alike, yet for some reason, people always comment they look the same. Both of them avoid eye contact with each other.
Their father stops his overly loud chewing. He turns to their indignant stepmother and asks when her kids are coming back.
"I believe Thursday," she replies.
Their stepmother always seems ticked off. She looks at others with disgust while soaking in her own pride. She only cares for her children and her image, yet, in front of their father, she always acts so loving.
Their father doesn't seem to recognize that she carries no kindness for Sirius and Canopus. Not that it is a surprise. Not that it matters. Their rotten personalities are a match made in heaven.
One time, when their father was away for work, she neglected them for four days straight. She left them to cook and find rides to school on their own. Then, on the night of their father's return, staged that Sirius, Canopus, and herself were all playing a board game together.
Her children, Sirius's stepsiblings, are just as self-centered. Donning the same blonde hair as their mother, they constantly ask for things from her and Sirius's father. And his father, always trying to appear as a good person, never declines. Only feeding to the boys' selfishness.
Trying to string along a conversation, the couple continue to idly chat.
Sirius stares off to the side, facing a barren wall. Seeing his shadow on the surface, he dissociates further from the table. He bends his pointer finger and sticks out his thumb, creating the shadow puppet of a dog.
Noticing the boy's disengagement, their father initiates the same spiel as always.
"Hey Sirius, why the serious face?" The same stupid joke.
Sirius perks up and shrugs it off with a weak grin. He enables his kind, talkative personality. "Nothing, just spacing off."
"How was practice today?" He doesn't care.
"Pretty good." The same response as always.
"How's the chicken?" Always fishing for compliments.
"Pretty good, I like it." The same old lie.
"I used the smoker today, haven't used it for a while so I wasn't sure how they'd turn up."
"...Nice."
...
His brother, usually conserved to himself, speaks out.
"Today in class we-"
"Put your hood down," the father's voice demands. Canopus is wearing the same outfit from last night. He's likely still grief-ridden over his grandfather's passing. Not that their father cares.
"Why?"
"Do it," he spits. "It's disrespectful." Canopus groans and pulls his hood back, revealing his short, dirty blonde hair that matches his father's. "Don't groan at me, when I tell you to do something, you do it. Got it?"
"...Yes."
Canopus looks down at his plate and starts playing with his chicken. The boy has always been the silent type, his gray eyes always wandering into a world of their own. That dissociation is probably the only thing the brothers have left in common.
The pair were always close when they were younger. Being three or so years apart, they always stuck together. Climbing trees, messing around in a creek, catching fireflies...
However, as they grew up, they drifted apart.
Canopus is in middle school and despite his age, is always angry. Especially now, after his favorite person in the world died, he is clearly frustrated.
The boy glances at Sirius, his head still hanging low. His brother isn't watching. Sirius isn't watching. He's never watching...
The stepmother, clearly unbothered by the change in atmosphere at the table, continues to eat. The father, frustrated with his son, bears a look of annoyance. The brothers, gazing down at their plates, quietly resent their lives.
The rest of dinner is silent.
...
-I hate them.
After taking an overly long, hot shower, Sirius steps out of the steam-filled bathroom and into the hallway. Walking to his room, he overhears his father and stepmother arguing, but tunes it out. Despite their plastic exterior, it happens all the time. And it always results in nothing.
Canopus stands in the doorway to Sirius's room.
"You good?" Sirius asks, raising his eyebrows.
"Shut up."
Canopus steps out from the frame and walks down the hall, entering his own room. The boy's face is straight and null. The door closes, leaving Sirius to stare at it for a moment.
"...Alrighty then."
Canopus, for some reason, is always looking at Sirius. At random times, if Sirius glances at his brother, chances are, he is glancing back. It's strange but doesn't bother Sirius. Those aren't the type of eyes he hates...
Sirius lies in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He glances at the digital clock in his room. 4:17 AM. He's been lying here for hours.
Nights used to be fun.
He used to stay up late with either his friends or brother all the time. Watching movies, playing games, sneaking snacks out from the kitchen... They would hold their breaths trying not to laugh, trying to avoid waking any parents. Now, nights are nothing more than endless hours in a dark room.
...
Sirius's eyes greet an unlit bedroom. He checks the clock in hope of it being morning. 5:36 AM. He props himself up and sits on the edge of his bed, placing his head in open palms.
-I'm so tired.
He lies back, the room is quiet. Closing his eyes once more, he listens for his heartbeat. Unbearable silence rings in his ears, only his breath momentarily whispers. The pounding in his chest is faint, yet there, nonetheless. The sound is confirmation that he's still here. Still living.
-I've made it this far. I can keep going...
*****
Waking up. Bumping into my brother. We don't speak. Eat breakfast. Drive to school. Classes. Lunch. Soccer. I watch my teammates laugh and celebrate. I stay back. I always do. Eat. Lie awake. Wake up. Eat. School. Eat. Drive. Home. Wake up... Nothing changes.
Another dinner. The atmosphere of these suppers is always the same. Suffocating.
Slightly muffled due to chewing, the father speaks: "Your grades are slipping, what happened? You used to be a straight A student. You were the smartest in your class."
-In like 4th grade...
"I know, I know, it was just a really hard test." In truth, he doesn't even remember what test they're talking about. Despite his flawless memory, recent years have held little value in his mind vault. School is the same repetitive gauntlet every day. It all blends together.
It's not worth the memory.
Canopus butts in: "You're just stupid."
The boy has always had a knack for insults. Not that they're any good...
Suddenly but unsurprisingly, their father snaps. "Shut your mouth! We don't use those words. You better stop or I'll knock you out I swear to God."
The atmosphere dampens yet another time. Their father's temper is a short fuse. Everything could be perfectly fine, and the next moment the bomb has already exploded. In recent years, that temper has only worsened. Especially around Canopus.
Once again, another dinner is ruined...
Shower, lie awake, sleep, breakfast, school, pretend, dinner, sleep, mess up, lunch, soccer, drive, doodle, lie awake, dinner, shower, drive, mom's house, breakfast, lie, smile...
It all blends together. What had I eaten for lunch two days ago? Have I finished my homework? My eyes grow heavier by the day. I'm so tired. I no longer have motivation for anything. I can't even bring myself to walk my dog half the time, I'll put on my shoes just to take them off a minute later.
Something needs to change.
But nothing ever does.
...
Shoving his keys into a pocket, Sirius quickly tries to escape out the front door.
"Where are you going?"
"Just hanging out with some guys," Sirius plasters on his usual facade.
"Ah, just the usual friends?" His father somehow seems disinterested now.
"Yeah, see you." Sirius swiftly shuts the door to avoid further confrontation and enters his car. He swiftly exits the neighborhood and drives with no destination in mind. The "usualfriends" are just an excuse to escape a while. They don't exist.
Headlights color the road he barrels down. Music blasts through the speakers, drowning out any possible thoughts.
Finding a rest stop, he hops out and struggles to decide what to buy. Sirius is someone who when asked to pick a card, closes his eyes and lets chance determine his fate. Decisions don't come naturally. Randomly grabbing an apple juice, he buys it with some money his mother gave him a while back.
Leaning against the side of his car, he sips his once favorite drink. Now it is flavorless.
A carefree couple strolls down the sidewalk. They giggle happily, holding hands...
He feels envious.
...
Sounds of the night surround him. Cars cruising past, groups of people laughing down the sidewalk, the buzzing of streetlights... Taking it all in leads to introspection...
"What am I doing...?"
...
...
The days tick endlessly by.
Dribbling down the field, Sirius flashes past his teammates. With the goal in sight, he winds back a shot and strikes the ball... And it barrels straight into the arms of the keeper. He missed. His fellow teammates let out quiet "awhs", but don't linger on it.
But Sirius does. He curses himself.
-You can't even make an easy shot...
Catching his breath, he looks around. No one is watching. They've already moved on. With no witnesses and not a single thought, he walks off the field. He gathers his things and goes to his vehicle. No one notices.
Sitting quietly in the cramped car, his phone dings. A small sense of hope lingers in the back of his mind, maybe someone noticed. Testing his theory, he picks up the phone.
{Father: Don't forget you are coming to my house tomorrow.}
No one noticed.
...
-I don't want to go home.
He drives to his mother's house and walks through the door. His mom is watching TV with a glass of wine in her hand.
"There's my perfect son!"
-Perfect...
Sirius smiles sullenly, "Hi, Mom."
The sight of his mother always makes him feel bad for her. She doesn't look poor or anything, in fact she is quite pretty, but she always appears stressed out. After the divorce, her financial situation took a turn for the worse. Now, a single mother of two with no one to assist her and a poorly paying job, it's easy to see why she's tired. Her job chains her to constant stress, working her most weekends and late nights. Despite everything, she always acts so cheerful around her children.
"How was your day?" She pauses her show and sets down her drink.
"Pretty good, I wasn't really feeling soccer today though."
"Aww, how come? You've always loved soccer."
"I know, I just wasn't feeling very... soccery today."
"Do you remember when you were little- you got the ball and ran entirely down the field, but forgot to shoot the ball, so you ended up dribbling all the way to the next field over?"
Sirius lets out a forced little chuckle. "Ha, not really..." The mentioning of older memories never fails to sadden him.
"Ahh," she releases a long sigh. "Good times, good times. You were such a funny little man." She pushes off her chair and walks over to him. "And now you're my funny big man." She pinches his cheek and scrunches her nose. Sirius gives her a closed-lip smile in return. His mouth feels weighted. She examines his face before smiling herself. "You're such a great kid."
She treks back over and falls into her chair. Sirius holds where she pinched him, his smile slowly fading into a frown.
-Stop it...
No amount of affection makes him feel anything.
He takes off his bag and heads upstairs. He passes his brother who is sitting on the steps.
Sirius collapses on his bed, and watches the ceiling fan spin.
-I'm so tired...
Floorboards creak and wind rattles the windows. He's lived in this house for years. But it doesn't feel like a home.
Nowhere does.
Holing up in his room only drives his isolation further. His colorless cave is the only retreat from everyone and everything. The spinning ceiling fan is no different than a clock.
Idle days are spent rotting in this room. Leaving it only leads to wasting away in public... That's worse than corroding alone. So why not decay on his own?
Days, weeks, and even months all meld together. The same routine, the same clothes, the same food... nothing ever changes. Mundane days blink into everlasting nights. The smallest of abnormalities are welcomed with the only shreds of emotion he has to offer.
He knows his life isn't a tragic one. There is no abuse, no life-changing loss or abandonment... Only a viscous emptiness that tears him apart.
He puts on his mask in front of family and friends. Pretending that he cares for them. Pretending that he's happy.
The boy has become quite the actor.