I think this was the part where I started trying to unfeel everything.
Not suddenly.
Not dramatically.
Just… slowly.
Quietly.
"I don't like him."
I said it again.
And again.
And again.
Like if I repeated it enough, it would finally become true.
Because liking him didn't make sense.
Not when he joked about Aisha being better than me.
Not when he couldn't even answer a simple question about Sabrina.
Not when everything felt so unclear.
So I decided something.
I would stop.
Stop noticing him.
Stop thinking about him.
Stop caring.
Simple.
Except it wasn't.
Because no matter how much I tried…
I kept noticing things.
The way he looked at me sometimes.
Not directly.
Not obviously.
But enough.
The way he talked to me.
Slightly different.
Slightly softer.
Or maybe I was imagining that.
The way he always seemed to be around.
Same places.
Same timing.
Like those "coincidences" again.
The way conversations with him felt easy.
Too easy.
And I hated it.
Because every time I noticed something—
I immediately tried to cancel it out.
"It doesn't mean anything."
"He's like that with everyone."
"You're overthinking."
Over and over again.
And then there was Aisha.
Every time.
Every time I talked to him—
She was there.
Interrupting.
Joining in.
Turning around from her seat just at the right moment.
"Hey—what are you guys talking about?" she'd ask, like it was nothing.
And just like that, the conversation would shift.
I'd go quiet.
He'd respond to her.
And I'd just… stand there.
Watching.
Like I was no longer part of it.
It happened so often that I started expecting it.
Like something that was just meant to happen.
And maybe that's when I started convincing myself of something else.
That I didn't matter in this.
That whatever I thought I noticed—
Was probably wrong.
Because if it was real…
Would it feel this one-sided?
I tried to remember all those moments.
All those thirty-six.
And for the first time…
I started questioning them.
Maybe they didn't mean anything.
Maybe I just made them mean something.
Maybe I saw things that weren't really there.
Because if they were real—
Then why did it feel like I was the only one affected?
So I told myself again.
"I don't like him."
And this time…
I tried harder to believe it.
But no matter how many times I said it—
Something in me still wasn't convinced.