The war did not come to pass. This astonished everyone who had been certain it
must, and surprised no one who had been attending closely to how much the citizens of
both nations actually liked one another when they were not being actively instructed
otherwise.
There were weeks of tension, naturally. Emergency sessions in both governments,
shouted debates in parliamentary chambers, resignation threats delivered with theatrical
conviction, and one memorable incident in which a senior Republican carrot challenged a
Fruit Kingdom lemon to a formal duel, both of whom were talked down by a very tired
Whole Milk who had been mediating for fourteen consecutive hours.
But the war did not come.
The Frozen One — Cryovak — remained in Shelf City. She set up a counter-archive
of historical documents in a small office on Tier Two and began publishing monographs
arguing for a more nuanced reading of the founding siblings' disagreement. She and
Avocado met, once, for coffee on neutral ground. Whole Milk characterised the meeting as
'productive in the manner of two people who will never agree but have elected to be
interesting to each other.'
Pepperoncini was tried by the Pantry Authority — the first formal criminal trial of a
cartel operative in Shelf City's history. Investigator Asparagus presented an evidence file
that had taken him approximately forty-eight hours to compile and would take the defence
attorneys six months to challenge without success. The trial was considered, by those who
followed such things, to be a landmark.
Cider Vinegar testified voluntarily. Her statement on the operation behind Fennel's
death was the most detailed piece of evidence the prosecution had. She was not prosecuted.
She was, instead, given the seat at the table she had asked for — in the informal trade
network advisory body that the New Accord established. She attended the first meeting in
the same intensely practical manner she had attended everything else, and was noted by
the other attendees as 'extremely well-prepared.'
Vinaigrette attended the second meeting. She and Don Baguette sat on opposite
sides of the table, which Sergeant Chickpea, who was also present, described in her
personal log as 'the most inherently threatening seating arrangement she had ever
observed in a committee setting.'
⁂
Three months after the broadcast, representatives of every faction in Grovia
convened in Shelf City's Great Hall to affix their signatures to the New Accord. It ran to
forty-seven pages. It was considerably more particular than the original, and contained —
this being the provision insisted upon most strenuously by the Cereal Confederation — no
sealed articles whatsoever.
CAPTAIN CORNFLAKE: "Article Twelve giveth us formal recognition. Three
centuries of waiting. I intend to be insufferable about it."
WHOLE MILK: "Thou wert already insufferable. Now thou shalt have the
paperwork to justify it."
TURMERIC: "Let the record show that the Spice Syndicate's contribution of
intelligence was essential, and ought to be named as such in the official historical
account."
MANGO: "Let the record likewise show that the Kingdom's cooperation was
entirely voluntary, and reflecteth our essential reasonableness as a people."
AGENT KALE: "Let the record show that not a one of thee is as subtle as thou
believest thyself to be."
Avocado signed as an independent witness. He shook Kale's hand afterward.
AVOCADO: "I did not apologise enough, at the beginning. I apologise again
now."
AGENT KALE: "It is noted. Thou did what V asked, and what the moment
required. I would have done the same."
AVOCADO: "Wouldst thou?"
A pause. An honest one.
AGENT KALE: "Probably. I would have apologised more promptly."
He laughed. She had not previously seen him laugh. It suited him.
DIRECTOR BROCCOLI: "Well done, Kale. Thou hast found the document,
unmasked the conspiracy, prevented a war, solved a murder, documented a
three-century deception, given standing to two criminal organisations and a Ghost
Market, and apparently made something approaching friendship with the enemy's
intelligence service and the head of the Peeler Mafia in the doing of it. Regulation
taketh a dim view of most of that."
AGENT KALE: "I shall note it in my report."
DIRECTOR BROCCOLI: "Also — well done for not wilting. I was not entirely
confident thou wouldst hold."
AGENT KALE: "I am a dark leafy green, Director. We are remarkably resilient
under pressure."
DIRECTOR BROCCOLI: "Quite so. Take a week. Thou hast earned it."
She did not take the week. There was already a new dossier upon her desk. She
made a cup of tea, opened the dossier, and set to work.
Without the window, the markets of Shelf City moved and murmured with the
sounds of commerce and coexistence. Fruits and vegetables haggling companionably side
by side. Cereal and dairy sharing tables without incident. Condiments drizzled freely over
everything, and none asked whether it was politically appropriate to do so. The ghost
market, or a portion of it, had been licensed. Cider Vinegar was attending committee
meetings. Vinaigrette had been photographed at the New Accord signing, which the
Republic's press had covered under the headline: HISTORIC CEREMONY ATTENDED BY
SURPRISING RANGE OF PARTICIPANTS.
It was, she thought, pressing her pen to the first page, a very good beginning.