No one remembers the first time they opened their eyes.
No one.
Not even me.
Usually, everything begins around the age of three... before that, there is nothing.
The first thing I heard was a woman's voice:
"Disgusting..."
And the first thing that remained in my memory about her was the smell.
Sharp, piercing... then it disappeared quickly, as if it had never existed.
I should have held onto it more tightly if I had known it would later become something resembling nostalgia.
Something warm... or at least, that was how it seemed.
Less unbearable than that darkness, and the heavy air pressing against my chest.
"Waa... waa..."
[Don't leave me...]
I do not know who I was calling.
Nor who she was.
"Waa... waa..."
[It's suffocating...]
But I wanted her near me.
That smell of alcohol.
"Waa... waa..."
[I don't want to suffer.]
After countless faces, places, and scents, I obtained my first desire.
Then I understood why some memories remain trapped in darkness.
In truth, for a small creature who had not yet reached the age of three, there was no such thing as desires.
No desires, only needs.
[Hungry.]
Needs fulfilled through someone else's will.
My needs had not been fulfilled yet, and I did not know how many more lives I would have to wait.
I knew only one thing: whenever the pain reached the point of becoming unforgettable, everything around me changed.
The place, the smell, even the faces.
From being thrown into a suffocating garbage dump to sleeping in the heat of an oven.
The details I remembered were too small and sometimes unclear.
But I always woke up somewhere different.
Then the pain suddenly disappeared.
"The prince was born into a large and somewhat kind family. He was truly happy."
A quiet, gentle voice.
The smell of food and milk.
"Things only began to change when the young prince was kidnapped by a selfish demon."
"Ahgoo... ahgoo..."
The person holding the book in their hand smiled.
"From that moment on, everything became worse. The kind mother left, and the older brother began to change."
"The father and even the sister no longer cared about what happened to the prince."
"The demon child grew up to become a terrible prince, hated by everyone."
"For everyone's happiness, the evil prince had to die."
[Death.]
For the first time, I knew what was missing.
I knew...
The meaning of death.
"The evil prince who wanted to ruin the beautiful empire died, just like any story with a happy ending."
"Waa... waa..."
The person looked worried. It was a woman.
"Why are you crying? Didn't you like the story? Perhaps it was too dark..."
"Don't worry, it isn't over yet."
The woman continued reading.
"Everyone thought they would live happily ever after, until Vilia Siners appeared and brought the end of the world."
"She was even more evil and cruel, a woman who stood upon everything the demon prince had built to destroy it all... the end."
[What? That's it?]
"The ending is tragic as well. That's unfortunate. At least the older brother, Edward, managed to bring justice for his younger brother, William."
I frowned.
"Who writes things like this? This sounds like a web novel trying to be tragic... This isn't something for children!"
I criticized it with annoyance.
"Waa... waa..."
"Oh my, your mother will come to take you soon, so stop crying."
There was no use in regretting it, right?
Memory was nothing more than a prison trapping me.
I told myself that countless times, trying to move past what I heard before seeing, what I saw before speaking, and what I felt before understanding.
But I was wrong.
Because I failed to understand the word "early."
What was I supposed to do?
Prevent myself from being born? Refuse to open my eyes?
It was meaningless.
I wanted not to remember, and that was exactly what happened.
But who would have thought that two entire lifetimes...
The first one I lived as William,
and the second one I am living now,
were nothing more than a story read by a nanny to a child before sleep.
And the irony was that it was the only story ever read for me,
or perhaps only to stop me from crying.
...
That was the last thing I remembered.
The nanny's voice disappeared.
The smell of milk disappeared.
Then the pain returned.
It was burning, stinging, something that could be remembered.
I opened my eyes to the ceiling of my room, and Edward was there, just as I expected.
Unlike the first time, he was not crying. He was calm.
Looking at me with his lips curved upward and his eyes shining.
"Are you alright?"
I almost laughed. From his smile to everything else, nothing showed genuine concern.
I did not answer him. Instead, I looked at the intravenous drip in my hand.
"You know, I was worried. Isn't the least you can do to reassure me?"
I gathered my thoughts and spoke:
"Does my silence bother you that much?"
"I think so. Your heart stopped for 22 hours... don't you think that's unusual?"
I tightened my grip on the blanket.
The place was quiet.
Without a single sound.
"No."
Only him and me.
Edward muttered sadly:
"That's cruel. Every moment I waited for you, I felt like I was dying."
My chest hurt for a moment as I looked at him.
At my brother.
I knew what he was saying was true. He had never lied to me.
He had fulfilled one of my wishes as well.
I smiled and forced myself to speak sarcastically.
"Are these Edward's true feelings?"
He opened his eyes.
"They are my feelings."
I kept my tone the same.
"When you speak like that, you sound disgusting."
He raised his hand and held my cold hand.
"There are things we should not remember, so we do not have to feel the pain."
The sensation inside me grew stronger. For a moment, I thought I had a heart.
"Since when?"
He brought his face closer to mine.
"Since the second beginning."
My stomach slowly twisted as I listened.
"What matters is that he wanted this."
His blue eyes shone, and tears fell from them, while his words came out disconnected.
"That child was desperate in his regret, and because of that, he sacrificed everything in exchange for your return."
I remained silent, keeping the same expression.
"During the past few days, I tried my best to imitate his final moments of regret, but I ruined it."
...
"Why?"
My temperature rose again as I resisted the confusion.
"Why would he do something like this? Why would he go through all this trouble?"
If the person who took everything from me sacrificed everything for my sake...
Then I wanted to know the reason.
Edward was no longer here, and that did not matter.
He leaned closer and whispered into my ear.
"Because he hates you."
"..."
"Don't understand? Fine, that child simply hates you."
His eyes widened, and his smile grew at the same time.
"What could be worse than giving life to someone who wants to die?"
I blinked several times.
What came out of his mouth was unbelievable.
For the first time since I woke up, I could not find sarcasm to hide behind.
"That child did not save you because he loves you."
He tilted his head and clapped his hands together in understanding.
"Sorry, that was my mistake..."
His smile froze and became cold.
"Your memories were supposed to return at this point, but it is fine."
With a snap of his fingers, the pressure inside me increased.
"I will remind you myself."
My head felt like it was going to explode from the chaotic flashes of memory.
No clear image came through.
Only hands, bleeding profusely.
The sound of metal grinding against bone.
[Arghh-]
And someone laughing while choking on their own blood.
I knew that person.
Because I was looking through his eyes.
"Do you remember who tried to break the shackles now?"
He grabbed my chin tightly with his hand, forcing me to look up at him.
"Do you understand now?"
I gritted my teeth.
"Who is the devil..."
My breath hitched.
Something deep inside me trembled.
"You... are him."
No one remembers the first time they opened their eyes.
No one.
Not even me.
Usually, everything begins around the age of three... before that, there is nothing.
The first thing I heard was a woman's voice:
"Disgusting..."
And the first thing that remained in my memory about her was the smell.
Sharp, piercing... then it disappeared quickly, as if it had never existed.
I should have held onto it more tightly if I had known it would later become something resembling nostalgia.
Something warm... or at least, that was how it seemed.
Less unbearable than that darkness, and the heavy air pressing against my chest.
"Waa... waa..."
[Don't leave me...]
I do not know who I was calling.
Nor who she was.
"Waa... waa..."
[It's suffocating...]
But I wanted her near me.
That smell of alcohol.
"Waa... waa..."
[I don't want to suffer.]
After countless faces, places, and scents, I obtained my first desire.
Then I understood why some memories remain trapped in darkness.
In truth, for a small creature who had not yet reached the age of three, there was no such thing as desires.
No desires, only needs.
[Hungry.]
Needs fulfilled through someone else's will.
My needs had not been fulfilled yet, and I did not know how many more lives I would have to wait.
I knew only one thing: whenever the pain reached the point of becoming unforgettable, everything around me changed.
The place, the smell, even the faces.
From being thrown into a suffocating garbage dump to sleeping in the heat of an oven.
The details I remembered were too small and sometimes unclear.
But I always woke up somewhere different.
Then the pain suddenly disappeared.
"The prince was born into a large and somewhat kind family. He was truly happy."
A quiet, gentle voice.
The smell of food and milk.
"Things only began to change when the young prince was kidnapped by a selfish demon."
"Ahgoo... ahgoo..."
The person holding the book in their hand smiled.
"From that moment on, everything became worse. The kind mother left, and the older brother began to change."
"The father and even the sister no longer cared about what happened to the prince."
"The demon child grew up to become a terrible prince, hated by everyone."
"For everyone's happiness, the evil prince had to die."
[Death.]
For the first time, I knew what was missing.
I knew...
The meaning of death.
"The evil prince who wanted to ruin the beautiful empire died, just like any story with a happy ending."
"Waa... waa..."
The person looked worried. It was a woman.
"Why are you crying? Didn't you like the story? Perhaps it was too dark..."
"Don't worry, it isn't over yet."
The woman continued reading.
"Everyone thought they would live happily ever after, until Vilia Siners appeared and brought the end of the world."
"She was even more evil and cruel, a woman who stood upon everything the demon prince had built to destroy it all... the end."
[What? That's it?]
"The ending is tragic as well. That's unfortunate. At least the older brother, Edward, managed to bring justice for his younger brother, William."
I frowned.
"Who writes things like this? This sounds like a web novel trying to be tragic... This isn't something for children!"
I criticized it with annoyance.
"Waa... waa..."
"Oh my, your mother will come to take you soon, so stop crying."
There was no use in regretting it, right?
Memory was nothing more than a prison trapping me.
I told myself that countless times, trying to move past what I heard before seeing, what I saw before speaking, and what I felt before understanding.
But I was wrong.
Because I failed to understand the word "early."
What was I supposed to do?
Prevent myself from being born? Refuse to open my eyes?
It was meaningless.
I wanted not to remember, and that was exactly what happened.
But who would have thought that two entire lifetimes...
The first one I lived as William,
and the second one I am living now,
were nothing more than a story read by a nanny to a child before sleep.
And the irony was that it was the only story ever read for me,
or perhaps only to stop me from crying.
...
That was the last thing I remembered.
The nanny's voice disappeared.
The smell of milk disappeared.
Then the pain returned.
It was burning, stinging, something that could be remembered.
I opened my eyes to the ceiling of my room, and Edward was there, just as I expected.
Unlike the first time, he was not crying. He was calm.
Looking at me with his lips curved upward and his eyes shining.
"Are you alright?"
I almost laughed. From his smile to everything else, nothing showed genuine concern.
I did not answer him. Instead, I looked at the intravenous drip in my hand.
"You know, I was worried. Isn't the least you can do to reassure me?"
I gathered my thoughts and spoke:
"Does my silence bother you that much?"
"I think so. Your heart stopped for 22 hours... don't you think that's unusual?"
I tightened my grip on the blanket.
The place was quiet.
Without a single sound.
"No."
Only him and me.
Edward muttered sadly:
"That's cruel. Every moment I waited for you, I felt like I was dying."
My chest hurt for a moment as I looked at him.
At my brother.
I knew what he was saying was true. He had never lied to me.
He had fulfilled one of my wishes as well.
I smiled and forced myself to speak sarcastically.
"Are these Edward's true feelings?"
He opened his eyes.
"They are my feelings."
I kept my tone the same.
"When you speak like that, you sound disgusting."
He raised his hand and held my cold hand.
"There are things we should not remember, so we do not have to feel the pain."
The sensation inside me grew stronger. For a moment, I thought I had a heart.
"Since when?"
He brought his face closer to mine.
"Since the second beginning."
My stomach slowly twisted as I listened.
"What matters is that he wanted this."
His blue eyes shone, and tears fell from them, while his words came out disconnected.
"That child was desperate in his regret, and because of that, he sacrificed everything in exchange for your return."
I remained silent, keeping the same expression.
"During the past few days, I tried my best to imitate his final moments of regret, but I ruined it."
...
"Why?"
My temperature rose again as I resisted the confusion.
"Why would he do something like this? Why would he go through all this trouble?"
If the person who took everything from me sacrificed everything for my sake...
Then I wanted to know the reason.
Edward was no longer here, and that did not matter.
He leaned closer and whispered into my ear.
"Because he hates you."
"..."
"Don't understand? Fine, that child simply hates you."
His eyes widened, and his smile grew at the same time.
"What could be worse than giving life to someone who wants to die?"
I blinked several times.
What came out of his mouth was unbelievable.
For the first time since I woke up, I could not find sarcasm to hide behind.
"That child did not save you because he loves you."
He tilted his head and clapped his hands together in understanding.
"Sorry, that was my mistake..."
His smile froze and became cold.
"Your memories were supposed to return at this point, but it is fine."
With a snap of his fingers, the pressure inside me increased.
"I will remind you myself."
My head felt like it was going to explode from the chaotic flashes of memory.
No clear image came through.
Only hands, bleeding profusely.
The sound of metal grinding against bone.
[Arghh-]
And someone laughing while choking on their own blood.
I knew that person.
Because I was looking through his eyes.
"Do you remember who tried to break the shackles now?"
He grabbed my chin tightly with his hand, forcing me to look up at him.
"Do you understand now?"
I gritted my teeth.
"Who is the devil..."
My breath hitched.
Something deep inside me trembled.
"You... are him."