Zane the Shadow-Walker, wielder of the Cursed Blade of Requiem, kicked open the massive obsidian gates of the Demon Fortress.
He struck a low, dramatic pose, his spiky hair blowing in the ash-filled wind. Behind him stood his elite party: a brooding rogue, an overly serious cleric, and a mage who exclusively wore dark purple cloaks.
They were the First Summoned Heroes. King Aldric had summoned them six months ago. They had spent half a year grinding levels in the poison swamps, unlocking their ultimate edgy backstories, and preparing for this exact moment.
"We are here!" Zane growled, his voice dropping a full octave for maximum cinematic effect. "We have breached the impenetrable fortress of Malakor! Today, we slay the Vanguard of the Apocalypse and rescue our beloved Kings!"
The rogue squinted, lowering his twin daggers. "Uh, Zane? Why are the walls painted coral pink?"
Zane blinked. He looked around the courtyard. The terrifying spikes of the fortress had been replaced with potted palm trees. There was a faint smell of coconut oil and grilled basilisk beef in the air.
"It is a demonic illusion!" Zane declared, gripping his legendary sword. "Stay sharp! The bloodthirsty Demon Generals could be torturing the Kings right behind this very door! We breach on three! One. Two. THREE!"
Zane kicked the heavy iron door of the Staff Barracks off its hinges.
"UNHAND THE MONARCHS, FOUL BEASTS! YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS—"
Zane froze. The dramatic boss music playing in his head violently scratched to a halt.
Inside the dimly lit barracks, there were no torture racks. There were no blood sacrifices.
There was a giant, flattened skull functioning as a poker table.
General Pavan, General Karthik, and General Aman were huddled around it. Pavan was currently holding a glowing magical recording crystal up to his face like a vlog camera, his demonic wings twitching with raw, unfiltered hype.
"WHAT IS UP, EIGHT KINGDOMS!" Pavan was screaming into the crystal, his energy completely off the charts. "We are back with another absolute banger! Today, we've got the Kings of Humanity in the barracks, and the stakes are CRAZY! Aldric just pulled a Draw Four, which means he has to eat the legendary, Class-S Hellfire Pepper!"
"Do it, Al! Eat the pepper!" Karthik roared, slamming his spiked fists on the table while Aman laughed so hard his massive horns shook.
Sitting across from them, King Aldric and King Vane were sweating profusely. Aldric was holding a glowing, violently red pepper that was literally smoking. He looked terrified, but not of the demons—he was terrified of the spice.
"I can't!" Aldric wept, his royal dignity completely gone. "My royal stomach lining! I'm going to need a glass of milk!"
"No milk!" Aman grunted, crossing his massive, armored arms. "That's against the rules of the challenge! Eat it or Karthik gets to draw on your face with a permanent marker!"
Zane the Shadow-Walker stood in the doorway, his legendary sword trembling in his hands. His entire edgy worldview was crumbling. "What... what is happening here? Kings Aldric! We are here to rescue you from this brutal captivity!"
King Vane looked up, squinting at the spiky-haired teenager in the doorway. "Zane? Is that you? Look, lad, your timing is terrible. Aldric is about to eat the pepper. Shut the door, there's a draft."
Zane's jaw dropped. "A... a pepper?! You are fraternizing with the enemy! I will slay these monsters myself!"
Zane let out a dramatic battle cry, glowing with dark, edgy energy. He raised his sword and charged at General Pavan.
Pavan didn't even drop the recording crystal. He just sighed, looking incredibly annoyed that someone was ruining the shot.
Before Zane could even swing his blade, a blur of white fur rocketed out from under the card table.
YIP!
Marshmallow, the tiny, fluffy Fenrir pup, leaped into the air. The puppy clamped his tiny, adorable jaws onto the edge of Zane's legendary, indestructible Cursed Blade of Requiem.
With a sickening CRUNCH, the puppy bit a massive, crescent-shaped chunk entirely out of the mythical steel.
Zane stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at his broken sword, then down at the fluffy, cloud-like puppy who was happily chewing on the indestructible metal like it was a dog biscuit.
"My... my Cursed Blade," Zane whispered, his edgy persona completely shattering into pieces. "It took me eighty hours to farm that drop."
Suddenly, the temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees.
The door to the barracks swung open wider. Leo stepped in, wearing a fresh floral shirt, holding a half-empty coconut drink. His eyes were shadowed, and his smile was gone.
Pavan, Karthik, and Aman instantly sat up straight, terrified. The Human Kings stopped breathing.
"Hey," Leo said, his voice dangerously quiet. "Maya finally got Elara to take a nap down the hall. And then somebody kicked a door open and started yelling about reigning terror."
Leo took a slow sip of his coconut. He looked directly at Zane.
"Was that you, Spiky?"
Zane took a step back, his survival instincts screaming that this man in the floral shirt was more dangerous than the Demon Lord and the Gods combined. "I... I am Zane the—"
Smack.
Leo didn't even punch him. He just flicked Zane in the forehead.
The kinetic shockwave sent the edgy hero flying backward out the door, across the coral-pink courtyard, and directly into the decorative fountain with a massive SPLASH. The rest of his edgy party immediately dropped their weapons and threw their hands in the air, surrendering to the man in the vacation shirt.
Leo sighed, rubbing his temples. He looked at Pavan, who was still awkwardly holding the recording crystal.
"Keep it down," Leo ordered. "And someone get Aldric a glass of milk, he looks like he's going to pass out. I'm going back to the pool."
As Leo walked away, Pavan slowly turned the crystal back to his face.
"Alright guys," Pavan whispered, terrified but still dedicated to the content. "Make sure to smash that like button. We'll see you in the next one."