The blaring alarm shreds the silence. A piercing, metallic screech drills into my skull. I force my eyes open with difficulty. Ugh... damn that alarm, and to hell with my life.
Why am I still alive?
Why didn't I kill myself yesterday? Oh, right... I remember now. Because I'm afraid of death. How ironic, I crave death yet I'm terrified of it. Damn me.
The clock reads 6:05. I check my notifications. Nothing.
I throw myself back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Mindless, devoid of any passion for life, empty. Just... void. Like a barren, dead desert where no living thing exists. Just like me. A mere corpse. I have to get up for that godforsaken school.
I stand before the mirror, contemplating my reflection.
Why am I like this? Why is my life like this?
Gay, mentally unstable, lonely, ugly... maybe. But I'm not gay. I don't know... all I want is death, and only death. My eyelids are dark, even though I slept for thirteen hours straight. Is it because I slept too much? Maybe.
I dress slowly, indifferent to everything. I scratch my hand with my nails on purpose because... I grab my bag and chat with my little brother until we arrive.
I enter the classroom and take my usual seat, watching everyone around me, criticizing their slightest movements as if I'm better than them. Even the teacher isn't safe from my internal judgment. Why is it all internal? Because I can't be bothered to argue with these lower-class animals. I feel like I'm among them, yet non-existent at the same time. What a mess I am.
While lost in thought, the teacher calls out:
"Ian, how do you form a sentence in the Present Continuous?"
I stood up to answer, but the words wouldn't come, so I remained silent. I heard one of those people they call "classmates" mocking me. When the teacher let me sit back down, I flipped him the bird. He did the same, so I gave him two, until it ended with him being kicked out of class after the teacher caught him. I returned to the same boredom and that damn, pathetic teacher. To hell with him. Even the teacher acts strange or unnatural... I suspect he has a weak personality or something. Honestly, I don't care. To hell with him.
After what felt like hours, I looked through the small gap in the window beside me. The sky was overcast. It looks like it's going to rain today. I wonder, is today the day I die? Because heroes always die when the sky is gray...
"Ugh, I'm so bored. I want to die. Damn it, damn it. To hell with them, those brainless fools. Do they eat donkey sh*t or what?"
There was something I was supposed to do... but what?
I don't know... ugh, I really need a smoke.
Once the school day ended, I went to buy some cigarettes. As I walked toward the shop, people started staring at me strangely. I don't know why. They weren't long stares, but they were enough. Quick glances, then turning away, then silence. I felt something uncomfortable crawling inside me.
Is there something on my face? I ran my hand over my cheeks, then my forehead, as if searching for a mistake I hadn't committed. To hell with them all, I don't care.
God... I hate the street.
Finally, I reached the shop. While buying the cigarettes, a boy from my school walked in.
Adam.
He ordered an energy drink. I felt his eyes glued to my face while I took the cigarettes from the seller.
Adam... damn it, not now... I don't want him to see me like this.
My heart rate spiked. My chest tightened. I took my cigarettes and rushed out of the shop as if it were chasing me out.
Hah... hah... damn, he saw me.
I walked far from the shop and lit my cigarette, trying to calm myself while I thought.
Why did I feel embarrassed? I didn't do anything wrong... but his presence... his features... his hair... the way he looked at me made everything feel amplified. No, damn it... to hell with my "deviance."
I took a long drag from the cigarette... then exhaled.
Nothing calmed down.
That's when I remembered.
I forgot my morning meds.
I crushed the cigarette before it was finished and walked on, knowing that today... was not over yet.
To be continued...