Disclaimer: I do not own the anime/manga "Naruto" or the movie "Troy" (2004). The only thing I own is this alternate/parallel story, which I wrote for fun.
The Trojan Warrior
Part 1: Unexpected Winner
"Speaking"
"Thinking"
"Rasengan!" Attacks / Abilities / Chakra / Jutsu / Magic / Techniques
Reading / News / Intercoms
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TROY
3200 years ago.
After decades of war, Agamemnon, the King of Mycenae, forced the kingdoms of Greece into an alliance. Only Thessaly remained unconquered.
Agamemnon's brother, Menelaus, the King of Sparta, was weary of war. He sought peace with Troy, the most powerful rival of the nascent Greek nation.
Achilles, one of the greatest warriors the world had ever seen, fought for the Greek army, but his disdain for Agamemnon's rule threatened to shatter the fragile alliance.
... ... Unlike Achilles, Naruto was a low-profile warrior... (but the few people who knew him knew perfectly well that he was someone to be respected on the battlefield.) He fought for the Trojan army since he was a child, so he had a special loyalty to Troy and its monarchy... but his main problem would be that he would be in the eyes of the Greek gods, who would not be happy with this intruder.
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Two mighty armies were about to clash in a battle that would be a complete massacre for both sides and would be forever etched in the annals of history...
Humankind is obsessed with eternity. And so, we ask ourselves: Will our actions survive through the centuries? After we die, will people wonder about our names... who we were... did we fight bravely... did we love passionately?
The two armies were almost upon each other when suddenly the Spartan army halted, observing expectantly the movements of their enemies, the Trojans.
"Keep advancing."
A Trojan general ordered from his horse to the men under his command.
The soldiers, hearing their commanding officer, obeyed and continued advancing, until suddenly the Trojan general's horse stopped, and he shouted something to his men.
"Halt!"
The same high-ranking officer shouted to all his men, and they did as their superior ordered, staring intently at their enemies with decidedly unfriendly expressions.
After a few minutes of silence, a chariot carrying a man named Triopas finally set off toward the deserted area between the two armies. Agamemnon followed suit, moving toward the area at a moderate pace. But when they were only a few meters from each other, the chariots stopped about three meters apart. The two kings then stepped out and began walking for a few seconds until they finally came face to face.
One looked at the other with utter superiority, while the other only had a sad and weary gaze, tired of fighting this long war. Slowly, Agamemnon began to look up at the sky, listening to the cawing of the crows circling the battlefield... until suddenly the King of Mycenae finally decided to speak, but he addressed Triopas with a rather mocking and ironic tone:
"The crows are happy."
Agamemnon commented with a smile, awaiting a response from his enemy.
"I told you yesterday, and I'll tell you again today..."
Triopas paused, almost instantly letting out a weary sigh.
"Take your men from my land."
The white-haired man warned again, tired of repeating himself.
"I like your land..."
Agamemnon paused briefly, then suddenly nodded.
"We're going to stay."
The chestnut-haired man paused again, shifting his gaze to the Trojan warriors.
"I like your soldiers..."
The same man paused once more, turning his gaze from the Trojan soldiers to Triopas, noticing the latter's frown.
"They fought bravely yesterday... Not well, but bravely..."
The brown-eyed man emphasized the last part sarcastically, causing his Trojan counterpart's eye to twitch.
"Especially that young man with the strange name, Noratu or Narsuto? Either way, I'm sure that boy will accept a lucrative deal without hesitation."
The chestnut-haired man chimed in with the same smile on his lips.
"He's Naruto, and he'd never fight for you."
Triopas corrected him with barely contained anger, which his enemy ignored with a mocking laugh.
"Hahaha! That's a good joke, Triopas. It's obvious that if I offer the boy women and fame, he'll undoubtedly fight on my side."
Agamemnon affirmed, emphasizing the words with a confident smile.
"I doubt it."
Triopas thought with a smile, knowing full well that Naruto would fight for Troy until the end of his days.
"And my soldiers will never fight for you."
The white-haired man commented with a serious expression.
"If that's what the Messenians, the Arcadians, and the Ephesians said... now, they're all fighting for me."
The brown-haired man said with complete superiority and arrogance.
"You won't have the whole world, Agamemnon..."
Triopas stated the obvious to his Spartan counterpart, but the latter's mocking laughter stopped him for a few seconds, though it didn't prevent him from continuing his comment.
"It's too big, even for you."
The blue-eyed man explained the last part with a hint of mockery directed at the King of Mycenae, but the latter also decided to continue his 'game'.
"I don't want to see another massacre..."
The brown-eyed man paused, staring boredly at some random point.
"We must resolve this war in another way."
Agamemnon paused again, this time pointing his scepter at his Trojan counterpart.
"Your best warrior against my best man."
The chestnut-haired man proposed a rather 'generous' offer that could prevent a total massacre of the Trojan army, just as the Spartan one had.
Triopas analyzed the offer for a few seconds, wondering if it was a trap set by Agamemnon, but seeing the man's expression and knowing he wasn't lying, he decided to give his opinion.
"And if my man wins?"
The white-haired man asked curiously, wanting to know what his people would gain if their best soldier won the fight, which he obviously would, since he already knew who he would choose.
"We leave Thessaly immediately... I am a generous man. If my man wins, you can keep your throne, but Thessaly will be under my command... to fight me whenever I decide."
Agamemnon explained seriously, though inwardly he smiled wildly, knowing he had this duel between his best warriors and the man he had in mind already won. With a strange smile, he patiently awaited the response of his enemy and future reluctant ally.
After analyzing his enemy's words for a few seconds, Triopas nodded to the King of Mycenae, accepting the deal that could end this long, three-decade-long war.
"Naruto!"
The King of Thessaly shouted to his army, awaiting the strongest warrior under his command.
Upon hearing that name, the Trojan soldiers hesitated for a moment before urging a certain warrior to join them, but since these were direct orders from their king, they had no choice. Almost instantly, the shouts of the Trojan soldiers echoed across the battlefield, for one way or another, a duel to the death would decide the fate of both nations. After that, Triopas turned to the chestnut-haired man to see what expression he had on his face, which turned out to be one of total annoyance because that young soldier wanted him on his side, but he had no choice but to accept without complaining and have his champion face said Trojan warrior.
After a few seconds, Naruto emerged from the crowd of Trojan soldiers with a calm, perhaps even amused, expression. He was young (18), with a slightly tanned complexion and above-average height (1.90m), possessing a well-defined and muscular physique (which was admired and envied by many men, and attracted the attention of all the women in Greece and the surrounding areas, who gazed at him with lust and desire). He had spiky black hair with a strange gray sheen and two strands framing his forehead. His striking black eyes reflected a touch of mystery and boredom. But there was something that made him unique: the three whisker-like markings on each cheek, giving him a wild appearance. His attire consisted of Trojan army armor, but without the typical leather skirt and battle helmet. Instead, he wore white trousers, a light red sash, and strange boots made of an unusual, elastic, and very durable material. It was certainly a rather peculiar and striking outfit for a Trojan soldier, but the boy didn't care how others looked at him. As long as he was comfortable, he didn't care what they thought or said behind his back.
The dark-haired man passed through his companions, who made way for him, cheering loudly. He then began to advance with slow, dramatic steps until he stopped a few meters from Triopas and Agamemnon, waiting with a bored expression for the old man's orders.
"That's my man."
The white-haired man pointed with his right thumb and a proud/confident smile because he knew he would win this deal, and finally, the brown-eyed invader would leave his people and land in peace.
While the chestnut-haired man nodded, quite impressed, he undoubtedly respected the young Trojan warrior for his incredible fighting style on the battlefield and for how ferocious he was in hand-to-hand combat against his soldiers, tearing them apart with his fists without giving them time to counterattack. So, with a grimace and a grudging reluctance, he decided to summon his champion and put an end to this whole mess once and for all... but of course, only if he won this bet.
"Achilles!"
The King of Mycenae called out loudly to his men, slowly turning to face his army, waiting for the warrior he had summoned to appear quickly... but it was in vain, because he never came.
Upon hearing the name of the hero or 'demigod,' Naruto formed a somewhat psychopathic smile, because he would undoubtedly enjoy defeating that damned Spartan and humiliating him in front of everyone present. Triopas looked at all of Agamemnon's soldiers, seeing if Achilles would appear before them... but he never did. The young Trojan warrior with spiky black hair made a face of complete disappointment, seeing that this 'Achilles' was a complete coward for not wanting to face him in a fight.
"Naruto, you have that special effect of instilling fear in many heroes."
The King of Thessaly remarked with a somewhat mocking smile directed at his enemy, for under his command he surely had the most powerful warrior in all of Troy and possibly in the entire known/explored world.
Without a doubt, he held the ace up his sleeve to win this long and bloody war that had claimed the lives of thousands of soldiers and civilians on both sides. However, unlike Agamemnon, the blue-eyed king did not use the young soldier to invade other nations out of greed; he only summoned him when necessary, as on this occasion when the lives of thousands of soldiers were at stake.
"...Watch your words, old man."
The brown-eyed king warned with an angry expression, as he did not like to appear a complete fool in front of his enemy.
In response, Triopas shrugged with a small, mocking smile on his lips... but suddenly they were both interrupted when a Spartan soldier rode toward them on horseback to deliver an important message to his king.
"Lord Achilles is not with the men."
The greek soldier said seriously, with a hint of fear, because he knew this news would provoke his king's wrath.
This message was undoubtedly like an arrow to the knee for Agamemnon, who immediately fixed his murderous gaze on the poor soldier.
"Where is he?!"
The chestnut-haired man demanded, his voice thick with anger; he was clearly furious.
"...We already sent a boy for him."
The same soldier replied, somewhat nervously, swallowing hard, but he managed to mask his nervousness just in time with a serious expression.
Upon hearing this, Naruto decided to do something that left more than one person speechless. He lay down on the hot sand, his hands behind his head, improvising a pillow, and almost instantly closed his eyes. He preferred to rest a while and wait for his opponent. Triopas, on the other hand, chuckled softly at the carefree attitude the dark-haired man had in front of so many people, although on the other hand, the young warrior had always been like that since he was a child.
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A boy on horseback rode towards the tent where he had been ordered to bring Achilles, still asleep in his tent. When he arrived at a gallop, he dismounted with an agile leap and slowly entered the tent with great caution, looking ahead because he saw the Greek warrior... but he wasn't alone. Two very beautiful women were sleeping with him, completely naked, as was the warrior. The boy slowly approached the sleeping blond warrior, crouched down to his level, and was about to touch him to wake him up when Achilles, without opening his eyes, stopped him with his own hand, grabbing the boy by his rags, giving the latter one of the biggest frights of his life.
The Greek opened his eyes with difficulty and, seeing that it was just a child, let go.
"I had a wonderful dream..."
The blond warrior paused, suddenly sighing with exhaustion.
"Magnificent."
The blue-eyed man grunted, irritation evident in his voice, then turned his head away, avoiding the boy's frightened gaze, who longed to remain asleep in Morpheus's arms.
"The King sent me to see him. He needs—"
But the boy was suddenly interrupted by the Greek soldier.
"I will speak with your king in the morning."
Achilles said irritably; he undoubtedly wanted to go back to sleep and return to his precious slumber.
"But, sir... it's already morning."
The boy revealed a hint of fear in his expression. The blue-eyed man sighed deeply upon hearing this.
"They are waiting for you."
The boy insisted to the Greek, because if he returned to the battlefield without the warrior, the king would surely kill him... (swallowing hard) Something he would certainly prefer to avoid at all costs.
Achilles turned his head again, looking at the boy, then roughly removed the hand that had been encircling his muscular back. It belonged to a blonde woman with whom he had had sex the night before. He then got up from the makeshift bed he had fashioned from animal skins, his expression clearly angry, leaving the two beautiful women to continue resting after a very intense night with the famous Greek hero.
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A Good Moment Later
The boy helped the Greek by holding his shield and spear, while the Greek mounted the horse the boy had ridden to his tent.
"What they say about you is true... they say your mother is immortal, that she's a goddess {he hands the helmet to the Spartan} that no one can kill her."
The boy commented with enthusiasm and innocence.
"I wouldn't bother using a shield if that were true."
Achilles revealed seriously, before putting his battle helmet on his head.
"The Trojan soldier who awaits you... is a young warrior who punched many Greeks to pieces during yesterday's fight. I wouldn't dare face him."
The boy said with a small shiver running down his spine, as just thinking about it almost made him wet his pants.
"That's why the world will forget you, boy."
The blond boy assured him with a small smile, though unbeknownst to him, these words would mark him for life.
In response, the boy remained completely silent, unsure how to reply to the Greek's words. Seeing that the boy wouldn't speak again, the blue-eyed man decided to leave and fight this Trojan soldier, who would obviously kill him easily with his sword in front of everyone and return victorious to his tent to sleep... oh yes, he'd also have another round with the girls... but what Achilles didn't know was that this would be the first fight he would lose, and of course, it wouldn't be the last.
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Another Good Moment Later
The Greek soldiers welcomed Achilles by striking the bottoms of their spears against the ground in a gesture of encouragement and respect. When the blond warrior emerged from among his comrades, he frowned as his opponent lay on the ground, seemingly unconcerned by his arrival on the battlefield. Dismounting, he began to walk gracefully toward the dark-haired man... but was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by the voice of the King of Mycenae.
"If you'd like, we can fight tomorrow so you can sleep?"
Agamemnon offered with a slightly annoyed look, as they had been waiting 'quite some time' for the arrival of the rebellious Spartan.
"For your recklessness, I should flog you!"
The chestnut-haired man warned loudly, looking down at the ground in clear anger.
This caused the blue-eyed man to stop dead in his tracks and give him a look that, if it could kill, would send the brown-eyed man six feet under.
"Why don't you fight him?"
Achilles challenged the King of Mycenae, then turned to leave and let them sort it out themselves.
"Achilles... Achilles..."
An old man called out to the rebellious greek soldier, causing him to stop in front of the Greek army.
"Just look at their faces. You can save thousands today. You can end the war with a stroke of your sword. Think of the songs they will sing in your honor. Let these men survive and return home to their wives."
Nestor asked the blue-eyed man, who was grimacing at the weary faces of his comrades and his enemies.
"Imagine a king who fights his battles. How I'd like to see that."
The blond man growled loudly, then slammed his spear into the ground.
"Of all the warriors favored by the gods, I hate him more than any other."
Agamemnon spoke, his fists clenched, trying to control his anger.
"We need him, my king."
Nestor remembered the brown-haired man with a calm expression.
"For now."
The brown-haired man said with a grimace, since he preferred Naruto to be part of his army and not the troublesome Achilles.
With Naruto
The dark-eyed boy was still resting peacefully on the sandy ground, not giving the slightest thought to the fact that this 'Achilles' had finally arrived to fight him... but he was suddenly jolted from his half-asleep state when the old man's voice called out to him.
"Naruto, it's time."
Triopas said loudly enough to make the dark-haired boy's eyes snap open.
"Hmph, I'll finish this in one hit, old man."
The dark-eyed boy assured him with a blank expression, while at the same time he jumped up, staring intently at his opponent who began to walk towards him.
The King of Thessaly ignored the boy calling him old man, since he had been doing so since childhood and it was a habit.
"Aren't you going to bring a sword or at least a shield?"
The white-haired man asked with a raised eyebrow, since the young warrior was unarmed for his upcoming fight.
"I won't need it in this fight."
The dark-haired man replied, not caring much about his safety, as he slowly began walking toward his enemy.
The older, blue-eyed man, upon hearing this response from the boy, simply shrugged, having expected such words from the young man. But before the young Trojan soldier could engage the Spartan in battle... Triopas stopped him, placing his right hand on the boy's shoulder.
"I understand... then, when this is over, you will receive your reward."
The King of Thessaly affirmed with a serious expression.
In response, Naruto nodded at the old man's comment, then began walking again toward his enemy, who was now almost within range. When they were a considerable distance apart, they both scrutinized each other, trying to discover a weakness that would give them a slight advantage.
"So you're Naruto... in person you're not so intimidating-"
But suddenly the blond was interrupted when the dark-haired boy started running towards him with his fist outstretched.
When Achilles began to talk about trivial things, and knowing that he would take his time, the dark-eyed boy decided to move forward with the fight, taking the lead against the Spartan, who was obviously a little surprised that the boy had interrupted him so rudely. But instead of getting angry, a smile of pure arrogance formed on his lips because he had finally found an opponent who made the decision to attack first and not the other way around, as always happened.
The blue-eyed man blocked his opponent's punch with his shield, generating a loud crack that echoed across the battlefield. The blow had been so powerful that it sent him reeling several steps back, but that was the least of his worries. When he glanced at his shield, it was dented in the center, shaped like the fist of a certain dark-eyed boy. This, of course, left the Greek soldier slightly agape in shock, as his shield was made of metal strong enough to withstand a hail of arrows and even a few spears.
Seeing that he had stunned the blond boy, Naruto broke into a crazed grin. In a swift motion, he punched the latter in the stomach, causing him to spit out saliva and leaving his eyes rolled back in his head from the force of the blow, which knocked all the oxygen out of his lungs. But the torture for the Spartan soldier didn't end there. His opponent then grabbed him by the head, lifting him off the ground like a feather.
"You're not worth it, weak Greek."
The dark-haired man grunted with an expression of utter disappointment, then threw him like a sack of potatoes at the feet of the Greek soldiers, who watched with expressions of pure fear as Achilles was defeated so easily by an unarmed boy.
Although there were several who showed complete respect for the young Trojan for having defeated the best man in their ranks and also for having the mercy to spare his life. The dark-eyed man was about to turn around and walk towards his comrades, who were waiting to congratulate him on his great victory... but an authoritarian and undoubtedly annoyed voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Hey, boy. You haven't finished off Achilles yet."
The King of Mycenae pointed at the blond man who was still unconscious on the ground, while his companions stared at him with their mouths wide open because they still couldn't believe that the blond man had been defeated so easily by the Trojan warrior.
"No, he's not worth killing... his destiny isn't to die by my hand."
Naruto replied with a cold stare, his eyes fixed on Achilles' unconscious body, while simultaneously giving the King of Mycenae an annoyed look.
"As you wish, it's your decision, kid..."
Agamemnon half-heartedly accepted the young Trojan's words, because he would have liked to see him behead that damned, arrogant rebel soldier.
"By the way, what's your name?"
The brown-haired man asked with a calm expression, as he wanted to hear the young warrior's name face to face.
"Naruto."
It was the simple reply from the dark-haired man, who this time wore a bored expression on his face.
The answer puzzled the King of Mycenae and the other Greek soldiers, because he didn't name his father as was traditionally done. But shrugging his shoulders, he said nothing about it, not wanting to earn the boy's hatred and turn him against him; quite the opposite.
"Since you won this fight against my champion, and because I am a man of my word, I invite you to come with me to Sparta. We will make a peace treaty between our two cities."
The brown-eyed man offered with a fake smile, for inwardly he was grinning like a venomous snake.
The dark-eyed man remained silent, pondering the fat king's offer. Surely there would be plenty of food, and that alone would "buy" him off, so to speak... but before accepting, he turned his head toward Triopas to hear his opinion.
"Relax, Naruto. You can go if you want. Besides, it would be wise to watch Prince Hector and Prince Paris's backs."
The King of Thessaly commented with a small, gentle smile, as the boy was surely captivated by the food that would be served at the grand banquet.
"Very well, I accept."
The dark-haired man said with a carefree expression, turning towards a small oasis to drink some water and refresh himself, leaving behind several people with bewildered and incredulous expressions.
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Port of Sparta - Greece
A group of fishermen were loading a large quantity of fish onto a Trojan ship, which they were provisioning with ample supplies for the long voyage home.
"We are brothers! Friendship! We are brothers! Friendship! YES!"
This is what the Spartan soldiers and their Trojan counterparts were saying aloud, their expressions overjoyed, for at last the long and bloody war that had taken so much from them was over.
Men and women alike ate and enjoyed themselves, their expressions so happy that for a moment they thought they were dreaming, because no one had yet grasped that the war was over. Suddenly, however, they were all interrupted by the King of Sparta, who struck the wooden table with his heavy hand to get the attention of those present.
"Princes of Troy. On our last night together... Queen Helen and I bid you farewell."
Menelaus bowed his head slightly in respect, for like everyone else, he too was weary of the war.
Both Trojan princes returned the bow in mutual respect, while all around them, the excited shouts of soldiers from both sides could be heard, now at peace and, of course, eager to have fun all night long.
But there was a young soldier leaning against a nearby column who couldn't care less about the words of the fat king's brother (even though he was also obese, just like him), since Naruto couldn't eat anything at that moment. This was because he was being sexually harassed by a group of women who were flirting with him and urging him to go to bed with them for a wild night of sex.
"We had conflicts, it's true. Sparta and Troy, we had battles, and very intense ones!"
The blond adult said loudly, his fist clenched and extended upwards.
These words once again sparked an emotional outburst from everyone present, who enthusiastically pounded their hands on the large wooden table in support of the King of Sparta.
While the blond king continued his impassioned speech, the young, dark-haired man sighed with an annoyed expression, finding himself the center of attention for this bothersome group of women. They hadn't left him alone since he entered this place, where all he wanted was to be able to enjoy all that delicious food (pork, chicken, fish, etc.) in peace and drink water, because that purplish-red beverage was undoubtedly disgusting and he obviously disliked it due to its horrible sour/bitter taste.
"But I have always respected your father. Priam is a good king and a good man. I respected him as an adversary, and I respect him now as an ally."
The older, blue-eyed man commented with absolute sincerity.
Once again, the soldiers of both sides (now allies) banged on the table in high spirits, clearly delighted to be enjoying this grand banquet.
"Hector, Paris, young princes, please stand. Let's make a toast."
Menelaus invited the two Trojan princes, this time with a broad smile. In response, the two quickly rose, their expressions mildly pleased to try and conceal their closeness to their greatest enemy.
"It's to peace."
The King of Sparta spoke in a friendly tone, raising his wine cup to the Trojan.
"To peace, between Troy and Sparta."
Hector agreed with the Spartan King, raising his own wine cup to him with a serious expression.
This again elicited roars of joy from everyone present, but this time they banged on the large wooden table with even more force.
"May the gods keep the wild beasts in the forests and the women in our beds."
The blue-eyed King commented loudly, a wicked smile playing on his lips.
As soon as he finished speaking, he provoked another round of enthusiastic shouts from everyone, and almost instantly a catchy tune began to play, followed by a group of very attractive dancers who drove the men present wild. The men quickly rushed towards them like hungry dogs.
Although a large group of women were practically glued to a certain reincarnated ex-shinobi.
"Stop touching me..." Naruto ordered in a 'dangerous' tone, as the girls' hands were caressing his muscular torso. The reason? Simple, they were completely captivated by this young man with muscles worthy of a Greek god, and ignoring his warning, they slowly began to lower their delicate hands towards his groin.
"Come on, don't be shy, kid."
One of the women (more mature) in the group insisted with a predatory smile, while caressing the boy's muscular arm.
The dark-haired boy glanced at her, staring at her curious wavy blonde hair. Undoubtedly, this woman was very beautiful, especially with those dreamy hips, which she moved sensually a little to captivate him, although, to his annoyance, he looked away with an expression... bored?
"Don't you find us attractive?"
This time, a woman with brown hair asked with a small smile on her sensual lips, then placed the boy's left arm between her generous breasts.
The dark-eyed boy swallowed hard at the sight of those enormous breasts 'crushing' his arm like soft, warm pillows... they were the size of Tsunade-baachan's.
"I just want to enjoy the food..."
Naruto replied softly, a slight blush rising to his cheeks, shifting his gaze from the women to the table laden with food.
This simple and shy response was a lightbulb moment for the group of women, who smiled broadly, as a great idea had occurred to them that would help them a lot.
"Do you want us to feed you?"
This time, a woman with striking, electrifying blue eyes and jet-black hair asked with a flirtatious smile.
The dark-haired man stared at her for a few seconds, because this woman was worthy of a Greek goddess, with a perfect, clockwork figure... although what caught his attention most was her question about the food, which he certainly hadn't expected and which he would obviously accept without hesitation.
"Okay..."
The dark-eyed man agreed with a slightly nervous expression, while at the same time letting himself be led without resistance by the small group of women to the nearest empty table they saw, where he immediately began to eat with a small smile.
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End of Part 1
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Uploaded: 03/12/26
Updated (Corrected): ¿?/¿?/¿?
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Omake 1
Royal Palace of Troy - Several years before the journey to Sparta
King Priam's royal kitchens were usually a place of military order. Dozens of cooks, assistants, and servants moved in perfect choreography among crackling clay ovens, stone tables covered in flour, and bronze cauldrons where stews simmered to feed the royalty and the elite guard. The air was always thick, saturated with the aroma of roast lamb, rosemary, cold-pressed olive oil, and sweet wine.
However, on this particular day, the kitchens resembled ground zero of an enemy siege.
The atmosphere was one of utter panic.
"No, no, no, and a thousand times no!"
The youthful but dangerously authoritarian voice echoed through the great hall, causing two kitchen helpers to drop a basket full of ripe pomegranates to the floor.
Seated cross-legged on the main preparation table, completely disregarding royal etiquette, was a young Naruto, about fifteen years old. His usually relaxed and bored face wore an expression of pure agony and disappointment. His whisker marks seemed to tremble with indignation.
Before him, sweating profusely and shaking like a leaf in a storm, was Theron, the Head Chef of Troy, a robust man who had cooked for kings and nobles from all along the Aegean coast without breaking a sweat… until he was assigned to feed King Priam's adopted son.
"B-but, my young Lord…" Theron stammered, wiping his forehead with a flour-stained rag. "It's the richest broth we have. Beef bones boiled for two days, seasoned with the finest herbs from the slopes of Mount Ida, a touch of saffron, and..."
"It's too thick, Theron! It tastes like war stew, not the heavenly glory I'm looking for!" Naruto interrupted, crossing his arms and pouting in a way that didn't match the muscles already beginning to show in his arms. "And I already told you about the pasta! These wheat strands are too thick, they break when you bite into them, they don't have the right elasticity! They're soulless!"
Chef Theron stared in despair at the fine ceramic bowl in front of the boy. It contained steaming soup with long strips of boiled dough. In the Trojan chef's mind, it was a masterpiece of culinary innovation, created specifically under the boy's confused and abstract instructions.
"Sir... I tried stretching the wheat and water dough as you instructed, beating it against the table until my arms nearly gave out... but I don't understand. What is this 'Gansui' you keep talking about that makes the dough yellow and elastic? Is it the blood of some mythical beast from the East?" Theron asked, on the verge of tears.
Naruto let out a long, dramatic sigh, leaning back on the table and staring at the smoky stone ceiling.
"Kansui, Theron. Alkaline water... Ah, forget it. I guess basic chemistry hasn't been invented around here yet," the dark-eyed man muttered, rubbing his temples. Sometimes, recalling fragments of his past life was torture. His palate craved the umami flavor of miso, the perfect saltiness of soy sauce, and the unmistakable texture of Ichiraku ramen. But he was stuck in the Bronze Age. Here, people considered bread with oil a delicacy.
"And what about... 'Narutomaki'?" one of the assistants asked timidly, peeking his head out from behind a pillar. "Lord Naruto mentioned something about a white fish disc with a magical pink spiral in the center..."
(Note: I know that was invented centuries later, but it's for the sake of this story and the humor of the moment xD.)
"Yes! For the love of the gods, yes!" Naruto jumped to his feet, his black eyes flashing with an intensity he usually reserved for the battlefield. He startled his assistant so much that the latter hid again. "It's essential! It's not ramen without narutomaki! It bears my name, for Kami's sake!"
Theron swallowed hard, looking at his attendants. "My lord... we've caught the whitest fish in the Aegean Sea. We've ground them into a paste. But... there isn't a single fish in the known world that has perfectly spiraled pink flesh inside. Is it some creature blessed by Poseidon that only dwells at the ends of the earth?"
"It's not a natural fish, you old fool, it's made with... Ugh." Naruto stopped dead in his tracks and covered his face with both hands. "They don't have food coloring. They don't have bamboo steamers. They don't have soy sauce. They don't even know what braised chashu pork is!"
"It's not a natural fish, you old fool, it's made with... Ugh." Naruto stopped dead in his tracks and covered his face with both hands. "They don't have food coloring. They don't have bamboo steamers. They don't have soy sauce. They don't even know what braised chashu pork is!"
"It's not a natural fish, you old fool, it's made with... Ugh." "We can roast a whole boar in a fire pit for twelve hours!" Theron offered desperately, trying to appease the warrior who, according to rumors, had lifted a cartload of rocks with one hand last week. "We'll put plenty of honey and sea salt on it!"
Naruto lowered his hands, his expression slowly shifting from utter despair to resigned curiosity. His stomach growled, sounding dangerously like a hungry lion, echoing through the large kitchen and silencing everyone present.
"Honey… sea salt… slow-roasted boar…" the dark-haired man murmured, squinting as his brain processed the alternatives. "And instead of narutomaki… do you have octopus?"
Theron nodded briskly, seeing a glimmer of hope. "The fishermen just brought in fresh octopuses from the port, my lord! We can boil them until tender and slice them thinly. Their suckers have… well, circular shapes that look like… spirals."
Naruto remained silent for a full minute. The tension in the kitchen was palpable. No one dared to move a muscle. Finally, the boy crossed his legs, picked up a pair of thin wooden chopsticks he had carved himself with an improvised kunai, and nodded solemnly.
"Good. Theron, listen carefully. This is the most important 'S-Rank Mission' of your life," Naruto declared, pointing at the chef with one of the chopsticks. "Take the beef bone broth. Reduce it. Add sesame oil if you have it, and if not, use the fat from the roasted boar. Put in those thick noodles you made. Slice the boar meat into thick rounds and place them on top. Put the boiled octopus slices to one side, and don't forget some finely chopped wild green onion on top. Do it now!"
"Y-yes, my lord! Right away!"
The kitchens erupted in a frenzy of activity. It was like watching an army preparing for war, but with ladles and butcher knives. Theron shouted orders, assistants ran back and forth, the fire roared. Naruto watched the whole process with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face, acting like a tyrannical supervisor, nodding or shaking his head at the amount of salt or fat being added.
Fifteen minutes later, a large, steaming ceramic bowl was reverently placed before the dark-haired man.
It wasn't ramen. Far from it. The broth was dark brown and thick, glistening with animal fat. The noodles were rustic and uneven. Instead of chashu, there were thick chunks of honey- and salt-roasted wild boar, and instead of his beloved narutomaki, strange slices of octopus tentacle floated on the rim, alongside fresh Mediterranean herbs.
The entire kitchen held its breath. Even a couple of royal guards had peered through the door to see if the king's fearsome son was finally going to destroy the kitchen or not.
Naruto took his makeshift chopsticks, grabbed a generous handful of noodles, blew on them to cool them, and... Sluuuuuuuurp!
The sound of him slurping his noodles scandalized everyone present (slurping food was considered extremely rude in Troy), but no one dared to reprimand him. Naruto closed his eyes and chewed. Then, he took the bowl in both hands and drank a large gulp of the thick, greasy broth.
He lowered the bowl slowly. His eyes were shadowed by his hair.
Theron began praying to Zeus, Apollo, Ares, and any other deity who would listen, preparing for his execution.
Suddenly, a comical, thick, and glistening tear slid down Naruto's tanned cheek. His black eyes widened, sparkling with imaginary stars.
"THIS... THIS IS INCREDIBLE!"
Naruto roared, leaping to his feet on the table and raising the bowl toward the ceiling as if it were the Holy Grail.
"It's not Ichiraku ramen, but by the gods old and new, it's the best bowl of meaty noodles I've had in a long time! Theron, you're a freaking genius!"
The chef let out a sigh so deep he nearly fainted from relief, falling to his knees as his assistants celebrated silently, hugging each other as if they'd survived the end of the world.
At that moment, the large wooden doors of the kitchen swung open, and the majestic figure of King Priam, in his blue and gold robes, entered the chamber, flanked by two guards. The elderly monarch surveyed the chaotic scene: his adopted son standing on the main preparation table, weeping tears of joy and noisily slurping noodles, and his head chef kneeling on the floor, sobbing with relief.
"By the gods, Naruto. What's all this commotion? We could hear you shouting all the way from the throne room," Priam said, a mixture of paternal weariness and amusement in his voice.
Naruto, his mouth overflowing and his cheeks puffed out, jumped off the table and landed comically in front of the King, holding out the half-finished bowl.
"Old man! You have to try this," he said through his full mouth, swallowing hard. "It's food for the gods. It's a thousand times better than those pigeons stuffed with grapes you nobles eat."
Priam, used to the boy's eccentricities since he'd taken him in as an orphan with superhuman strength, sighed and picked up one of the wooden spoons from a nearby table. He scooped up some of the thick broth and tasted it.
The old King's eyes widened in surprise. The intense flavor of the roasted meat, the rich fat, the salty tang of the octopus, and the hearty wheat dough created an explosion of flavor unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It was heavy, barbaric, and absolutely delicious.
"By Apollo..." Priam whispered, staring at the bowl in awe. "What is this marvel?"
"We'll call it... 'Uzumaki-Style Boar and Octopus Trojan Ramen,'" Naruto declared proudly, placing his hands on his hips and nodding.
Priam glanced at him, raised an eyebrow, and turned to the chef, who was still on the floor.
"Theron," the King ordered, wiping his mouth with a silk handkerchief. "From today onward, I want this dish served to the elite guards before every campaign. We'll call it... 'The Hero's Stew.'"
"Hey! That's not the name!" Naruto complained, waving his arms. "It has to have the word Ramen in it! It's a sacred principle!"
"The decision is made, lad," Priam laughed, patting the boy's back affectionately and handing him the bowl back. "And you'd better finish your portion. I need you with a full stomach; tomorrow you start phalanx formation training with Hector."
"Yeah, right, as if I needed some silly formation when I can break theirs with my bare fists!" Naruto muttered, sitting back down on a stool to devour the rest of his 'Trojan Ramen'.
As the boy slurped noisily, oblivious to the amused and relieved looks on everyone's faces, Theron smiled faintly. He knew his life would be much more complicated from now on, having to prepare that monstrosity of soup almost every day, but seeing the genuine smile of satisfaction on the face of Troy's most fearsome warrior, he knew it was worth it.
And so, though true ramen would never exist in Ancient Greece, the heart of a reincarnated blond ninja had found a small, greasy, and delicious solace in the middle of the Aegean Sea.
End of Omake 1