chapter 151
The restaurant was exactly as beautiful as Haru had expected.
Soft lighting reflected off polished tables, the quiet hum of conversation blending with the gentle music playing somewhere in the background. The hotel had clearly been designed for people who valued privacy, and the restaurant was no different. The tables were spaced far enough apart that conversations remained mostly private, while discreet staff moved around the room with practiced efficiency.
Normally, Haru would have appreciated the atmosphere.
Tonight, he barely noticed it.
He sat across from Raiven, watching him look through the menu.
They had been separated for days, and Haru had imagined this reunion countless times during his trip. He had imagined Raiven smiling when he saw him. He had imagined surprising him at the agency, wrapping his arms around him and complaining about how much he had missed him.
He had imagined everything except this.
Chang-seo walking out of the same hotel.
Raiven following him minutes later.
Haru lowered his eyes to the menu.
He didn't want to ask.
Not yet.
Maybe there was an explanation.
There had to be.
Raiven could have had a meeting. Chang-seo could have been there for something completely unrelated. The fact that they had left the building around the same time didn't automatically mean anything.
Haru knew that.
He repeated it to himself several times.
Still, his chest remained tight.
"You've barely looked at the menu."
Haru looked up.
Raiven was watching him.
"I am looking."
"You've been staring at the same page for five minutes."
Haru gave him a small smile.
"I'm tired."
Raiven's expression softened.
"You should have gone home."
"I wanted to see you."
The words came naturally.
They always did when it came to Raiven.
Something in Raiven's face changed.
"I missed you too."
Haru smiled.
They ordered dinner, and Haru began talking about China. He told Raiven about the fans at the airport and how shocked he had been to see so many people waiting for him. He talked about the fashion event and the Chinese phrases he had learned, laughing as he explained how nervous he had been when fans actually spoke to him.
Raiven listened quietly.
He smiled when Haru laughed.
He asked questions.
He seemed interested.
But something was missing.
Haru couldn't put his finger on it.
Maybe it was because he had become accustomed to reading every little change in Raiven lately.
After everything that had happened, he couldn't help it.
"Did you practice today?"
Raiven's hand paused around his glass.
"Some."
"Just some?"
"I had other things to do."
Haru looked at him.
"What things?"
Raiven lifted his eyes.
"Work."
The answer was simple.
Too simple.
Haru looked away.
"Right."
Their food arrived shortly afterward.
For a while, the conversation returned to safer things.
Haru showed Raiven pictures from his trip. Raiven complained about one photograph where Haru had been wearing an outfit he apparently considered too revealing. Haru laughed and reminded him that half the room had been wearing similar clothes.
"I was sexy, though."
Raiven shook his head.
"You enjoy making me jealous."
"Maybe."
"At least you're honest."
Haru smiled.
It was almost normal.
Almost.
Then a waiter passed their table.
Haru's eyes briefly drifted toward the entrance.
Nothing.
He looked back at Raiven.
He tried to continue eating.
He couldn't.
The image returned.
Chang-seo.
Walking out of the hotel.
Raiven.
Following him.
Haru put his fork down.
"Raiven."
Raiven looked up.
"Hm?"
Haru hesitated.
The question had been sitting inside him since the moment he stepped out of the taxi.
"What were you doing here?"
Raiven went still.
It was subtle.
Almost invisible.
But Haru noticed.
"I told you. I had work."
"Here?"
"Yes."
"What kind of work?"
Raiven's jaw tightened.
"Haru."
The way he said his name made Haru's stomach sink.
"What?"
"Can we not do this here?"
Haru stared at him.
"Do what?"
"Interrogate me."
"I'm asking you a question."
"And I'm answering it."
"No, you're not."
The words left Haru before he could stop them.
Raiven looked around the restaurant.
"Haru."
His voice was quieter now.
Haru lowered his voice too.
"Chang-seo was here."
Silence.
Raiven's expression changed.
Only slightly.
But it was enough.
Haru watched him carefully.
"You saw him."
Raiven didn't answer.
"You saw him leave."
Still nothing.
Haru's heart began pounding.
"Did you come here to meet him?"
Raiven's eyes hardened.
"Not here."
Haru blinked.
"What?"
"I don't want to talk about this here."
"Why?"
"Because we're in public."
Haru leaned back slowly.
That wasn't an answer.
It was avoidance.
The same avoidance that had been haunting them for weeks.
He suddenly felt foolish for trying so hard to convince himself that everything was fine.
He had spent weeks watching Raiven withdraw.
He had noticed the apartment becoming messier.
He had watched him lose himself in work.
He had heard him whisper Chang-seo's name in his sleep.
And now he had found them leaving the same hotel.
Yet Raiven still wouldn't tell him what was happening.
Haru's appetite disappeared.
"Let's go."
Raiven frowned.
"What?"
"I don't want to eat anymore."
"Haru—"
"Let's just go home."
Raiven stared at him for a moment before slowly standing.
Neither of them spoke while they left the restaurant.
The elevator ride was silent.
So was the drive home.
Haru sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window at the city passing by.
Raiven kept both hands on the steering wheel.
Neither looked at the other.
The silence became heavier with every passing minute.
When they finally reached the apartment, Haru walked inside first.
He removed his coat and placed it on the chair.
Raiven followed.
The door closed behind them.
For several seconds, neither moved.
Then Haru turned around.
"Why did you meet him?"
Raiven's expression hardened.
"I told you I don't want to talk about it."
"You didn't tell me anything."
"I said I don't want to talk about him."
"Then when are you going to talk about it?" Haru asked, feeling impatient and angry. After all the space he had given Raiven, maybe he was reaching a breaking point. He didn't want to be on the other side of the window, helplessly watching his own boyfriend disappear.
Raiven sighed and rubbed his forehead.
"I am tired, Haru."
"So am I."
"Then don't do this tonight."
Haru stared at him.
"I just came back."
Silence.
"I came straight from the airport because I wanted to see you."
Silence.
"I thought you were going to be at the agency."
Silence.
"I saw Chang-seo leave the hotel."
Raiven's face tightened.
"And then I saw you come out."
Silence.
"Then tell me what happened."
Raiven looked away.
Haru felt something inside him crack.
"Why can't you just tell me?"
"Because it isn't that simple."
"Then explain it."
"I can't."
"Can't or won't?"
Raiven's eyes snapped toward him.
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is that I'm your boyfriend."
The room went quiet.
Haru's voice trembled despite his attempt to keep it steady.
"I shouldn't have to find out things like this by accident."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Then tell me."
"I said I can't."
"Why?"
Raiven's breathing became heavier.
"Because this isn't about us."
"Then what is it about?" Haru almost yelled, but his voice broke.
"It's about me."
And there it was, out in the open—the wall around Raiven that Haru had been trying to get past now solidified in front of them.
Haru stared at him.
"Because he is my past."
"Then why is he still affecting you?"
Raiven went silent.
The question landed harder than Haru expected.
Haru's voice softened.
"I see it."
Raiven looked at him.
"I see what happens to you whenever his name comes up. I saw you outside the hotel. You looked completely different."
"Stop."
"I'm not trying to attack you."
"Then stop asking."
"I'm asking because I'm scared."
That made Raiven pause.
Haru swallowed.
"I'm scared of losing you."
Raiven's expression shifted.
Haru continued before he could stop himself.
"I already watched you disappear slowly. I have watched you become distant. I watched you stop eating properly. I watched you stop going to practice. I heard you say his name in your sleep."
Raiven's face went completely still.
Haru immediately regretted saying it.
But the words were already out.
"You heard that?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"It doesn't matter."
Raiven looked away.
Haru stepped closer.
"How long have you been dealing with this?"
"I don't know."
"That's not an answer."
"I don't know, Haru!"
The sudden sharpness in Raiven's voice made Haru stop.
Raiven immediately looked remorseful.
He lowered his voice.
"I'm sorry."
Haru shook his head.
"No. Don't apologize."
He turned away.
"I'm just tired."
Raiven moved toward him.
"Haru."
"I said I'm tired."
"Please."
Haru turned around.
"It's been a long day."
Raiven stared at him.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"Anything." His voice was almost a plea.
"I don't know how."
Raiven's eyes filled with frustration.
"I met him."
Haru froze.
"What?"
"I met Chang-seo."
The words were quiet.
But they seemed to fill the entire apartment.
"Why?"
Raiven didn't answer immediately.
Haru waited.
"Why did you meet him?"
"He contacted me."
"For what?"
"It's nothing."
Haru let out a disbelieving laugh.
"Of course."
"Haru."
"No, seriously. Of course."
He rubbed his face.
"I spent the entire trip missing you. I was excited to come home. I wanted to surprise you."
Raiven tried to get closer, but Haru stepped back.
"And while I was gone, you were meeting him."
"It wasn't what you think."
"Then what was it?"
Raiven's silence answered more than his words could.
Haru stepped back.
"Do you still have feelings for him?"
Raiven looked genuinely shocked. For a moment, he seemed almost unable to believe that Haru could ask him something like that. His answer didn't come immediately, not because he was unsure, but because the question itself had caught him off guard.
"No."
"Then why?"
"I told you, it's complicated."
"That's the answer you always give. It's almost like you think I'll settle for it."
Raiven's expression hardened.
"Then stop pushing me. It's suffocating."
The words hit.
Haru stared at him.
"Is that what you think?"
"I didn't mean—"
"No."
Haru shook his head.
"Say it."
Raiven fell silent.
"You think I'm a problem because I ask questions."
"That's not what I said."
"But that's what you meant."
"I am just exhausted."
"So am I!"
Haru's voice finally broke.
"I am exhausted from wondering what is happening to you."
Raiven's eyes widened.
"I am exhausted from trying to figure out when you're going to disappear into yourself again. I'm exhausted from pretending that I'm not afraid every time you look distant. And now I come home and find you leaving a hotel with the person who caused you so much damage, and you still expect me to just accept that you don't want to talk about it."
Raiven looked down.
"I didn't want to hurt you."
Haru's anger faltered.
"Then you should have told me."
"I was trying to handle it."
"Alone."
Raiven didn't answer.
Haru closed his eyes.
There it was.
The same problem.
Raiven trying to carry everything himself.
Raiven deciding what Haru could handle.
Raiven protecting him by keeping him outside the truth.
Haru suddenly felt the distance between them more clearly than ever.
"I can't do this tonight."
Raiven looked up.
"Haru."
"I need to sleep."
"We can talk tomorrow."
Haru walked toward the bedroom.
Raiven followed a few steps behind.
"Haru...?" Raiven called out.
Haru stopped.
He looked back at Raiven.
For a moment, neither said anything.
"I'll sleep in the guest room tonight."
Raiven's expression fell.
"Haru, please."
"I don't want to fight with you anymore."
"I'm not trying to fight."
"I know. I just..."
Haru's voice was quieter now.
Raiven didn't move.
Haru looked away.
"I love you."
The words hurt more than anything else.
"But right now, I need some space."
He picked up a pillow and walked toward the guest bedroom.
Raiven remained standing in the hallway.
"Haru."
Haru stopped at the doorway.
He didn't turn around.
"Goodnight, Raiven."
Then he closed the door.
For the first time since they had started dating, Haru chose not to sleep beside him.
And on the other side of the door, Raiven stood alone in the quiet apartment, staring at the closed door as though he had only just realized how far apart they had become.