By that time, I had started getting used to hostel life.
It wasn't home.
It probably never would be.
But it had become familiar.
I knew the routine now. I knew which classes were worth paying extra attention to, which corners of the campus were quiet, and which people I could sit with when I didn't feel like being alone.
My life had become predictable.
Wake up.
Get ready.
Attend classes.
Study.
Talk to friends.
Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.
But there was one thing that had changed more than anything else.
My confidence.
Before my board results, I had never really thought twice before participating in anything.
Debates?
I would participate.
Songs?
I would perform.
Dance?
Why not?
Any competition or activity?
I would at least give it a try.
I wasn't afraid of failing.
But after seeing that 76% on my result sheet, something inside me had changed.
I didn't stop because someone told me I wasn't good enough.
I stopped because I started believing it myself.
My studies were still okay.
Actually, if I looked at the numbers objectively, I was still doing better than most of my classmates.
But I didn't feel good about it anymore.
I felt average.
And sometimes confidence doesn't disappear because you suddenly become worse.
Sometimes it disappears because you stop believing that you're capable of being better.
That was exactly what had happened to me.
In my Class 11 section, I had a few good friends—Sahin, Raghav and Ajay.
They made school life easier.
We talked, joked around, helped each other with studies and complained about classes together.
But even with them around, I still missed two people from my old life more than I could explain.
Sayan.
And Abhi.
They weren't just old classmates.
They were connected to a version of me that I sometimes missed.
The version of Sarthak who was confident.
The version who didn't overthink everything.
The version who could stand in front of people without wondering whether he was good enough.
I didn't know how much I missed that person until I started living without him.
Then one day, something completely unexpected happened.
My cousin Shreyashi, who had also been my classmate in my previous school, met me.
She was still studying at my previous school. I had already moved on to another high school for Class 11, while she had chosen Arts and continued there.
We started talking normally, and somewhere in the conversation she mentioned that some of our old classmates were going to the school to get their APAR IDs.
Then she asked me,
"Tu chalega?"
I didn't even think.
"Haan."
She looked at me.
"Itni jaldi?"
"Haan yaar, jaana hai."
She probably thought I was simply excited about meeting my old classmates.
She didn't know the real reason.
The moment she said old classmates, one person immediately came to my mind.
Payel.
I hadn't seen her in five weeks.
Around one month and five days.
I knew the exact amount of time because I had counted it.
Five weeks without seeing her.
We had talked.
We had messaged.
We had still been a part of each other's lives.
But seeing someone through a screen and seeing them standing in front of you are two completely different things.
And suddenly, I had a chance.
A real chance.
To see her again.
When I returned to the hostel that evening, I couldn't hide my smile.
Subhra noticed immediately.
"Kya hua Sarthak babu? Itne khush kyun ho?"
I tried to sound casual.
"Nothing yaar. Just going to the previous school tomorrow to get some documents."
Before Subhra could say anything, Rohit jumped into the conversation.
"Ohooooooooooooooooooo! Payel ka pati kal Payel se milne jaa raha hai!"
Everyone started laughing.
I looked at him.
"Ruk ja saale. Tereko agar aaj maine Ganga kinare laash bana kar nahi bheja na, toh mera naam bhi Sarthak Chatterjee nahi."
That only made everyone laugh harder.
Rohit looked completely satisfied with himself.
"Bhai, sach bol. Kal kya pehenega?"
"School jaa raha hoon, shaadi mein nahi."
"Haircut?"
"Rohit…"
"Perfume?"
"Chup kar."
The entire room was laughing.
I laughed too.
But underneath all that joking, I was nervous.
Really nervous.
I hadn't seen Payel in five weeks.
What would I even say?
Would she be happy to see me?
Would we talk normally?
Would it feel awkward?
Would everything feel the same?
I didn't know.
That night, I couldn't sleep properly.
I kept turning from one side of the bed to the other.
Every time I closed my eyes, my mind started imagining the next day.
Sometimes I imagined myself simply saying hello.
Sometimes I imagined us talking for hours.
Sometimes I couldn't imagine anything at all.
At one point, I looked at the clock and laughed quietly at myself.
"Pagal ho gaya hoon kya?"
Eventually, somehow, I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual.
I got ready and left for my previous school.
As soon as I entered the school grounds, I felt something strange.
Everything looked familiar.
The same building.
The same corridors.
The same classrooms.
The same atmosphere.
But I wasn't a student there anymore.
I was in Class 11 now, studying at another high school.
I had come back only because I needed to collect some documents with my old classmates.
And Payel...
She was still a Class 10 student there.
For her, this was still her school.
For me, it had already become a place filled with memories.
That difference felt strange.
I walked through the familiar corridors, remembering how many times I had walked through them before.
Then I saw them.
Sayan came towards me first.
The moment he saw me, he hugged me.
"Bhai!"
I laughed and hugged him back.
"Kaise hai?"
"Badiya. Tu bata!"
A few moments later, Abhi joined us.
He was still studying at the same school, while Sayan had moved to Pune for further studies.
Seeing both of them again after so long felt genuinely good.
We started talking about everything.
Our old classmates.
Teachers.
School memories.
Who had changed.
Who hadn't.
We laughed about things that only the three of us would understand.
For a while, I forgot about everything else.
I felt like my old self again.
Then I heard her voice.
I didn't even need to look.
I knew it was her.
Payel.
She was standing with Shreyashi and some of the other girls, talking to them.
For a moment, I just stood there.
I didn't go towards her.
I didn't call her.
I simply looked at her.
It had been five weeks.
And after five weeks, she was finally standing in front of me again.
She looked beautiful.
Not in some dramatic, movie-like way.
She simply looked like Payel.
The person I had missed.
I watched her talk to the girls.
She smiled at something they said.
She laughed.
She looked completely normal.
And I just stood there watching her.
I don't even know how long I stood there.
Maybe fifteen minutes.
Maybe a little less.
Time didn't stop.
Nothing magical happened.
People continued walking around us.
Students continued talking.
Teachers continued doing their work.
Life continued normally.
I was simply distracted because I hadn't seen her in five weeks.
Then suddenly, she looked in my direction.
Our eyes met.
She recognized me.
And the moment she realized I had been looking at her, she blushed.
She quickly looked away.
Then she left towards her classroom.
I smiled.
I couldn't help it.
After five weeks, that small reaction was enough to make me happy.
I wanted to go after her.
I wanted to talk to her.
But before I could, a group of students surrounded me.
"Bhaiya!"
"Bhaiya, we missed you!"
"Bhaiya, hostel mein kaise ho?"
"Bhaiya, aap toh bilkul change ho gaye!"
I laughed and started answering everyone.
It felt good.
Really good.
People had remembered me.
They had noticed that I was gone.
And for a while, I enjoyed being surrounded by everyone.
But somewhere in my mind, I was still thinking about Payel.
Eventually, the crowd became smaller.
I looked around.
She was there.
I walked towards her.
We looked at each other and smiled.
"Kaise ho?"
"Fine. Tum?"
"Main bhi."
We talked for a little while.
Nothing huge.
Nothing dramatic.
Just normal conversation.
School.
Classes.
Hostel.
Life.
But while talking to her, I noticed something.
I couldn't explain it.
She was smiling.
She was talking to me.
She wasn't being rude.
Nothing was obviously wrong.
Yet...
something felt different.
Maybe I was imagining it.
Maybe she was tired.
Maybe she was uncomfortable because there were so many people around.
Maybe she was simply trying to be careful.
After all, we had decided to keep our relationship private until we became successful.
We didn't want everyone knowing about us.
So maybe this was just her way of protecting what we had.
I told myself that.
I didn't want to overthink it.
Eventually, we went our separate ways.
I returned home because it was the weekend.
But even after reaching home, I kept thinking about that meeting.
I couldn't figure out what was bothering me.
So I messaged her.
"Are you okay?"
She replied that she wasn't feeling well.
I looked at the message for a few seconds.
Then I replied normally.
"Okay. Take care."
I didn't ask too many questions.
I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
And honestly, I believed her.
Or at least, I wanted to.
But somewhere inside me, there was still a small doubt.
Not about her love.
Not about her loyalty.
Just about that moment.
Maybe it had been because everyone was around.
Maybe she didn't want anyone to notice us.
Maybe she really wasn't feeling well.
There were so many possible explanations.
So I chose the easiest one.
Don't overthink it.
We had already decided to keep things private.
That meant sometimes we wouldn't be able to act like a normal couple.
I understood that.
At least, I thought I did.
That night, I sat alone and thought about the day.
For five weeks, I had imagined seeing her again.
I had imagined being happy.
And I was happy.
I really was.
But there was another feeling sitting quietly underneath that happiness.
A feeling I couldn't name.
A question I couldn't answer.
Was she as happy to see me as I was to see her?
I didn't know.
And I didn't want to ask.
Because sometimes asking a question you're afraid of can make the fear real.
So I ignored it.
I told myself that everything was fine.
That she was just tired.
That the people around us had made her uncomfortable.
That nothing had changed.
And maybe nothing had.
Maybe I was simply overthinking.
But looking back now...
that was the first time I remember feeling it.
Not a fight.
Not an argument.
Not a breakup.
Nothing obvious.
Just a tiny change.
Something so small that I almost ignored it.
Something I couldn't explain at the time.
But something that stayed in the back of my mind.
Something felt different.
To be continued...