Meridian and I were back in the forest in the same clearing on the same log.
I gave him a thumbs up and he gave me a shaky smile.
I closed my eyes.
— — —
I was back in the white void.
The clone was lying on his side while playing a console game. It looked to be an FPS of sorts.
His head spun back with that same jagged grin. "Back so soon? I was certain that the last ass-whooping would've kept you down a few days. You know, seeing as you're a coward."
I remained silent as I sat cross-legged.
My clone stood to his feet and kicked his console aside.
"Silent treatment, huh?" He mussed, as he watched the console disintegrate. "Yeah, I remember when you used to do that a lot back in the day."
He turned to me. "Like that time you ignored Saori's calls after she started dating your best friend. Do you remember how confused she was?"
The clone walked in circles around me. His heavy footsteps echoed in the void.
"She just wanted to check on you." He sneered with a laugh.
"She didn't even know why you were mad. Of course in your infinite wisdom, you just decided she'd done it on purpose. She didn't deserve a chance to explain herself."
I clenched my jaw, but stayed silent. This was nothing but a mental projection.
A distraction from my goal.
The clone continued his taunts. "I remember how you smiled at her missed calls and unread messages. It felt good to see her suffer, to see her distraught."
He stopped behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
"Then one day, the messages stopped." He squeezed my shoulders. "Remember how scared you got? How you panicked at not being the center of her world?"
My heart began to thump hard. Like a pounding drum.
The clone leaned closer, his lips near my ear. "You went to her house. You had to know why she stopped texting you."
His voice dropped an octave. "At her house, you saw the lights were on. But instead of knocking at the door like a normal person, you went around back to her window."
My breath began to shake and my lips trembled.
"You peeked through a gap in the curtains to see your best friend comforting a crying Saori. His hand on her back as she wept about how much she missed you. How she loved you."
He chuckled softly. "You were so excited to hear that even with her boyfriend at her side. She still spoke of you. And that's when you learned the truth…"
"…they were never dating."
I gritted my teeth and shoved the clone off me. "Stop! I'm done, get me out of here! Get me out of here!"
I waved my arms in a panic.
The clone laughed. "Your best friend was at his best performance that night. He told Saori everything she wanted to hear! How he was there now, how she didn't need to worry!"
"Shut up!"
The clone didn't stop. "All she needed to do was let go. To let him take care of her…" his grin grew wider. "…and he certainly took care of her, didn't he, Kenji? After all, you watched."
I couldn't breathe, my chest was too tight. It's like the world was closing in on me. It pressed me on all sides.
Air… I need air.
"You watched the love of your life fall for another man." His voice echoed in every direction. "You watched him put his hands on her waist. You watched as she cried into his shoulder."
I curled into a ball and clamped my hands over my ears. "No! Stop! I don't want to hear it anymore, please! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"
"You could have stepped in, Kenji. You could have let her know you were there. You could have been the hero!" The clone threw his hands in the air and confetti rained down.
Tears swelled in my eyes as I held them shut. "I don't wanna be here anymore, okay? You win, please, please stop. I give up!"
The clone appeared in front of me. "Of course, you give up. Just how you gave up the only good thing you had. You're a coward, Kenji. That's all you'll ever be. You're too scared to face reality so you hide in your head and spin these lies."
"You tell yourself, 'I didn't turn away the love of my life, she was stolen' Or 'I'm not a lonely loser, this world is just full of sluts and bullies'."
"I'm sorry…" my lungs seized, my chest felt as if it were being crushed. "I'm so sorry, Saori."
The clone kicked me. I rolled back while holding my side. The pain, why does it hurt so much?
"Too late for that, though I can't help but feel bad for the poor girl. Imagine how she feels knowing you died alone? How she wasn't there to help you, because you wouldn't let her."
He knelt beside me. "I told you, Kenji."
"A day of confidence can't fix 17 years of being this version of yourself."
He grabbed my throat and squeezed. "Stop embarrassing us, for both our sakes."
He tightened his grip. My vision filled with black spots before blurring. It hurts.
It hurts so much.
"Let go."
CRACK!
My head lolled to the side as my eyes went white.
— — —
My eyes snapped open. I gasped and clawed at my neck as I greedily sucked in air. Soon I started to choke.
"Lafayette!"
"I can't…" I gasped and collapsed. "I can't, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't… I…"
Meridian's hands were on my face. His thumbs wiped away the tears that streamed down my cheeks. "You have to breathe, okay? Please breathe."
My fingers dug into the earth as I pushed my face against Meridian's chest. "I'm a fraud!" I cried.
"My whole life I've been nothing but a fraud! I thought the world was full of hate, but it was me! I hated the world, and I treated everyone like shit because of it! And now… now I'll never get to say sorry. My parents, my friends, I can't ever apologize for this pathetic loser."
Meridian wrapped his arms around my head and held me close. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he looked around the dim forest. "It's okay," he whispered. "You're going to be okay."
I cried in his arms for what felt like hours. The words, 'I'm sorry' left my lips like a mantra. I couldn't stop saying it, because it was all I felt.
Eventually, there was a light that shone through the trees. "Meridian, Lafayette!"
Meridian looked up. "I'm here, father! Please hurry."
Phillip stepped into the clearing with a ball of light in his hands. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes held a smidge of surprise.
"He cries?"