Several weeks have passed since Ayae started studying here.
And I'm still surprised at how quickly she managed to make friends.
It took me months to stop feeling like a stranger when I first entered high school. Earning people's trust wasn't easy. I was always more of an observer than a participant.
But Ayae is different.
She has that light aura… as if rejection doesn't exist in her world. She talks to anyone without fear, without overthinking her words, without worrying about what could go wrong.
I guess that's why she was the one who spoke to me first that day.
I remember.
I was heading home after playing video games with Kunze.
Same as always. Routine.
I got thirsty and walked into the neighborhood store.
That's when I saw her.
At first glance, she looked like a child. Small. Slim. But when she lifted her gaze… her eyes were so clear, so alive, that I completely forgot what I was there to buy.
"Hi, I've seen you near my house," she said with a smile that didn't feel forced. "We're neighbors. I moved in today with my parents."
"Oh… really? I hadn't noticed," I replied awkwardly. "I hope you can make good friends here. Starting over must be stressful."
"Yeah… it's sad leaving friendships behind," she admitted. "But it's also exciting to meet new people. By the way… you still haven't told me your name."
I laughed.
"Itsuki. Nice to meet you."
"Ayae. And I hope we become very good friends."
She smiled.
And that smile stayed with me.
I returned to reality when the science teacher began explaining our final project of the term.
A research report. In pairs.
I was about to ask Ayae if she wanted to work with me… but she was already sitting next to another girl.
I was glad to see her managing on her own.
Though… I don't know why, but I feel like that girl doesn't look at me kindly.
I tried asking Kunze.
"I thought you were already pairing up with Ayae," he said.
"I wish that were the case," I replied with a faint smile. "But I'm glad she's socializing so quickly."
Kunze couldn't either.
Then I thought of Monika.
We almost never work together. She avoids misunderstandings, especially because she has a boyfriend.
Even so… she accepted.
Too easily.
Saturday.
Monika stood in front of my house.
No one else was there.
And when I realized that… I felt something strange. A mix of nerves and hope that I tried to ignore.
She walked in.
She looked beautiful. Her brown hair fell softly over her shoulders. Her brown eyes carried that calm expression that always weakens me.
We sat on the couch. I had my laptop. She searched for information.
I tried to focus.
I tried not to think about the fact that I had been in love for five years with the person sitting less than a meter away from me.
After a while, she leaned closer under the excuse of showing me something on the screen.
She could have sent it by message.
But she didn't.
She stayed too close.
My breathing changed.
She finished explaining… and didn't move.
She rested her head on my shoulder.
The world stopped.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered.
Her voice trembled.
"I'm sorry for making you wait so long… for not thinking about what you felt when I couldn't return your feelings…"
I felt moisture on my shirt.
She was crying.
"I've liked you for a long time… I always liked you… but I was afraid you'd change. That if we started something, you'd stop treating me the way you do now…"
Every word was something I had waited five years to hear.
Five years.
And yet…
I didn't feel happy.
I felt frustrated.
"I've always loved you," I said calmly, even though I didn't feel calm at all. "But you're happy with him."
She hugged me tighter.
"That doesn't mean I don't love you…"
That's when I understood something painful.
Loving two people isn't loving properly.
"I don't want to be selfish," I continued. "Loving someone also means letting them go. And if he makes you happy… then I'll choose that."
I hugged her.
We finished the project in silence.
When she left, she gave me a hug she had never dared to give me before.
And that hurt more than any rejection.
I was lying in my bed.
I remembered the first time I confessed to Monika.
She told me she didn't want a relationship because she needed to focus on herself and her studies.
Days later, she started dating someone.
She told me how happy she was.
I listened while smiling… even though inside I felt like trash. Like someone insufficient. Unimportant.
In the end, that someone became her current boyfriend.
Now I don't know if her words were ever sincere.
I don't know if I'm her "right love at the wrong time."
I don't know if I'm just emotional backup.
That night, I dreamed.
I dreamed of my mother.
Of my good and bad grades.
Of the constant fear of not being enough.
They tell me I'm smart.
They tell me I'm kind.
They tell me I'm the ideal guy.
But I don't feel okay.
I'm not alone… but I feel empty.
I'm not ugly… but I don't like myself.
I'm not useless… but it never feels like enough.
I want to be loved.
But when someone does… I don't believe it.
Monday arrived.
I was in the lab when I heard footsteps behind me.
It was Natsuki.
Her gaze was different. Cold.
"Itsuki… I need to talk to you."
"What's wrong?"
"You did the report with Monika at your house, right?"
"Yes, but—"
"I'm her boyfriend's cousin."
Something in the air tightened.
"How can you guarantee nothing intimate happened?"
"What kind of question is that?!"
"Answer me."
"We didn't do anything. Monika is my friend."
Natsuki stepped closer.
"Maybe you don't look at her with lust… but you look at her with love. And that's worse."
Her words were sharp.
"You're pathetic. You settle for crumbs of affection."
I didn't respond.
"If you stay close to her, I'll make sure the whole school finds out you're trying to steal my cousin's boyfriend."
My heart pounded.
"He won't stay quiet. And trust me… that won't end well for you."
Her voice lowered.
"Monika would hate you if you ruined a three-year relationship. You're not the protagonist of a romantic story. You're just an obstacle."
That hurt.
Because the worst part is… I had already decided to distance myself.
"You've been warned," she said finally. "If I see you near her… I'll make your final year a living hell."
She left.
And for the first time… I felt real fear.
Not for myself.
But for the possibility that everything I've built could fall apart because of something I never even tried to do.
I packed my things and went to the classroom.
The art teacher hadn't arrived yet, so most of the students weren't inside.
Then I saw Kunze approaching me to say something.
Kunze hesitated for a moment before speaking.
"Look… I'd like you to help me win Asia over," he said, visibly embarrassed. "I've never told you, but I've liked her for a while. I haven't been able to approach her to try anything more. I've noticed you're already close to her… so I wanted to ask for your help."
I looked at him in silence for a few seconds.
"Of course. I'll help you. After all, we're friends."
"Thanks, Itsuki."
"But if you want this to work, you'll have to ask her out."
Kunze lowered his gaze.
"That's not going to happen."
"And why's that?"
"I'm sure she'd reject me."
I sighed.
"Then… how about I invite her to a small gathering on my behalf?" I suggested. "We can invite Jeremy and his girlfriend too. It'll make more sense that way."
Kunze looked up, hopeful.
"So we just have to make sure Asia says yes."
"Leave that to me."
I walked over to where Asia was sitting.
"Hey, Asia."
"Hey, Itsuki… finally decided to talk to me."
"Sorry about that. I wanted to ask if you'd like to come to a small get-together. Kunze will be there, Jeremy with his girlfriend… and me."
Her eyes lit up slightly.
"Yes… I'd like to go."
"Perfect. Can you make it at nine?"
"Of course. I'll be there."
Classes ended.
As I walked home with Ayae, a memory returned to my mind.
It was during recess.
I was alone at my seat when I saw Asia walking toward me. She moved slowly, as if each step cost her something.
"Hi, Itsuki…" she said softly.
"Hi. Do you need something?"
Her hands were trembling slightly.
"Yes… I need to tell you something."
She took a deep breath.
"I like you, Itsuki."
Time froze.
"I like you a lot," she continued. "For a long time now. I like the way you speak, the way you help others… how you always try to smile even when you're not okay."
Her eyes began to water.
"But I know you'll never stop loving Monika."
Those words didn't sound like a complaint.
They sounded like surrender.
"That… that breaks my heart," her voice cracked. "Because no matter how hard I try, I can't compete with someone who lives in your mind all the time."
A tear slid down her cheek.
"I wish you looked at me the way you look at her. I wish I were the one who made you happy… the one who hugged you when you feel empty… the one who made you feel truly loved."
She wiped her face clumsily.
"I'm not asking you to choose me now… I just…" she took a shaky breath. "I just want to confess again someday. The day you no longer love her. When your heart is free… if it ever is."
She turned around before I could respond.
And I stayed there.
Not knowing what to say.
Not knowing what to feel.
I returned to the present and asked myself something I had never calmly analyzed before.
How did Asia start developing feelings for me?
Maybe it all began the day she asked for help with her homework.
I remember I was checking some math exercises when she approached my desk, notebook in hand.
"Itsuki… could you explain this to me? I don't understand it."
It wasn't the first time someone had asked me for help. But there was something different in her voice. It didn't sound proud or annoyed.
It sounded… insecure.
From that day on, she started sitting next to me after school.
At first, they were simple questions. Operations, formulas, small mistakes we corrected in minutes. But little by little, the sessions became longer.
I explained.
She listened carefully.
Too carefully.
Sometimes, when I lifted my eyes from the notebook, I realized she wasn't looking at the numbers.
She was looking at me.
Over time, she improved. She hesitated less in math, understood chemistry better, and even began raising her hand in class to answer questions.
Every time she did, she would subtly glance at me, as if searching for approval.
And I would just nod.
One day, while we were studying like always, she moved closer than usual.
I felt her shoulder brush against mine.
I didn't move away.
Then she gently rested her head on my shoulder.
My mind went blank.
"I feel more comfortable when I'm near you…" she whispered.
I didn't know how to respond.
From that moment, I understood that what we had was no longer just "study partners."
And yet… I never did anything to stop it.
Maybe because, deep down, I also liked not feeling alone.
At that moment, Ayae noticed my silence.
"Itsuki… you're deep in thought."
"I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm just a little tired."
She stepped a little closer.
She took my arm.
"If you're not… I'll make sure you are."
She smiled.
And for the first time that entire day…
I felt something different.
It wasn't love.
It wasn't guilt.
It was warmth.
And that scared me more than Natsuki's threat.