Ritsuka Fujimaru couldn't shake off a strange feeling of weightlessness. Darkness loomed before his eyes, but soon it dissipated, revealing an ancient building. Right in front of him, two women were fiddling with some mechanism.
"You know, if Cable finds out about this, he'll twist your head off," said the short-haired girl with a boyish appearance, handing over the hastily repaired device.
"If you keep your mouth shut, there won't be any problems. Besides, he threw it away himself. And what falls is lost, law of the jungle," replied the one who received the mechanism. It was none other than Deadpool.
"Alright, I'm off to business. Goodbye!"
"Bye, Wade!" The girl with a purple streak in her hair, standing next to the short-haired one, smiled radiantly and waved to him.
"Ciao, Yukio!" Deadpool bid farewell just as playfully (?) and vanished.
"It feels like we've gotten into trouble."
"Maybe we shouldn't have helped him?" The two girls, left alone, felt a vague unease, anticipating impending disaster.
The scene changed. A focused Deadpool attached the device to his belt, took a deep breath, and pressed the button with a cheerful cry. The space around him distorted, and the world rapidly spun in reverse.
"Vanessa!"
The moment the fierce man was about to pull the trigger, aiming at the woman, Deadpool appeared out of nowhere – *poof!* – and with a precise throw of a table knife, pierced the villain's head.
"Wade?"
"Vanessa! If we have a son, name him Peter! Remember! Peter Parker Wilson!"
Following this, Deadpool activated the device again.
"Hello, Wolverine! Long time no see. Forget about this misunderstanding. I'm just... cleaning up the timeline." He riddled the ugly monster standing in front of the beast-like man with steel claws with bullets with particular feeling, turning the creature into a bloody sieve.
"Finally... Now I'll become a superstar!"
"Oh no, my friend. That won't happen. I'm saving you, my Canadian buddy." After shooting the actor in the head, who was ecstatic, clutching a script titled "Green Lantern," Deadpool gave him sincere advice as if to himself and launched the device again.
"Peter! 'X-Force' is disbanded! Go home!"
"But..."
"No excuses! Go home and play your Pokémon!"
"Oh... Okay. To be honest, I was a little scared myself. Goodbye!"
"Go on, Peter. Live long and prosper."
Finally, he instructed the young man named Peter, who had safely landed by parachute, to return to a peaceful life, and barely held back a tear as he watched the departing youth.
"Now all that's left is..."
Deadpool pressed the device's button once more. However, something went wrong: the device overloaded, and instead of the intended point in space, he was sucked into the distorted, broken underside of reality.
"Hey, what the hell?! Supersonic Warhead, you little brat! Is it broken already?!"
Deadpool's body stretched and contracted; limbs seemed to detach and reattach as he was tossed through the interdimensional vortex.
He crashed into a hypothetical space – a world of absolute emptiness and nothingness. Believing he was stuck in a time tunnel, he frantically clicked the overheated device, but it remained unresponsive.
"Damn it, you bastard! My plan was perfect. Perfect! Damn it, how could everything go so wrong in an instant..."
In this desolate place, Deadpool didn't hold back his words, unleashing his anger on an unseen opponent.
"Outlander..."
Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice sounded behind him. A ball of blinding light approached him.
"And what kind of plot twist is this? Aren't we in 'Deadpool 2' anymore? How did this happen? Has 'Dark Phoenix' already been released?"
While Deadpool spouted incomprehensible phrases, a vague human silhouette began to emerge from the glowing sphere that had approached closely.
"Oh, salvation! The Avengers sent an evacuation team for me. Captain Marvel, you're awesome! Come on, hurry, drag me to headquarters."
However, the ghostly figure merely touched Deadpool's left chest with his palm, right where his heart beat. Nothing happened.
"Uh... If you've fallen for me, I regret to inform you: my heart is taken. By both boys and girls. I'm not picky, but I strictly adhere to monogamy... in both directions. Or is it bigamy? In any case..."
"What an amusing creature. I will give you something interesting." From the thunderous voice, generously seasoned with echo, Deadpool covered his ears. The figure took a ring from his finger and pressed it directly into the mercenary's chest.
"Whoa, take it easy! What did you shove into me? A wedding ring? Was I forcibly married?! Oh god! Don't tell me it's green!"
"The seed has been planted. When it sprouts, the great games will begin."
The creature's words were complete gibberish to Deadpool.
"So you mean... you implanted an Alien egg in me that will one day break through my chest? And what should I name it? Deadpooleen? Elipool? Dead-alien-pool?"
"And now, go. Mistake of creation."
The figure pushed him in the forehead, and space twisted inside out again, drawing Deadpool into an endless fall.
"If you're sending me, send me to the world of Dead or Alive! I want to hang out with hot sisters!"
During the prolonged fall, the distortions disappeared, and a city engulfed in flames appeared below. With a dull "boom!", Deadpool crashed into the ground, and at that very moment, Ritsuka's eyes snapped open.
"Was that... a dream?"
"Fou... Fou..."
Stunned by the strange, surreal vision, Ritsuka felt Fou lick his cheek and realized he was lying in his own bedroom.
"Good morning, darling." A familiar voice sounded very close. Sensing something was wrong, Ritsuka slowly turned his head. Deadpool lay beside him under the same blanket with a languid smile, striking a seductive pose.
"Aaaaaah!"
Ritsuka jumped up in horror and felt a strange coolness. Feeling himself, he realized he wasn't wearing his Chaldea uniform. With a sinking heart, he looked under the blanket – fortunately, his underwear was still on.
"Underwear?!"
Deadpool was under the same blanket, and he himself was only wearing underwear. Ritsuka's mind raced. Then, as if realizing something terrible, he looked at Deadpool again with a deathly pale face.
"Finally, you've paid attention to me~♡"
"Aaaaaaah!"
Ritsuka screamed so loud that it seemed Chaldea would shake to its very foundations.
◇
Some time later.
In the farthest corner of the infirmary, Romani sat huddled in a ball, Ritsuka's face showing that of a person whose mind had completely shattered. He trembled with fear and muttered incoherently, "It's all over... My spiritual purity is defiled... No one will marry me now... Heh-heh-heh..."
He looked so detached that he would occasionally start giggling quietly to himself.
"Mash... pet my head... I... I'm traumatized... mentally..."
"Yes, Senpai. I'm here now, don't worry. Good, good~"
The deranged Ritsuka snuggled up to Mash, accepting her gentle pats. Mash herself was deeply worried about Senpai's condition, but seeing him cling to her and ask for affection, she continued to stroke his hair with a tender smile.
"Okay. Right now, I'm going to throw you out of Chaldea. The slope there is quite steep, so while you're rolling, you'll have plenty of time to think everything over before you fall into the Antarctic waters. And I'll pick you up in exactly twelve hours. Deal?"
Meanwhile, at Chaldea's emergency exit, Da Vinci-chan, with an unnaturally wide smile and a bulging vein on her temple, was interrogating Deadpool.
"M-mm... M-mph!"
Deadpool was tightly wrapped in thick ropes and chains, a blindfold over his eyes, and a gag with a ball in his mouth. He desperately tried to object, but only drooled because of the gag.
"Last time you spread foolish rumors, and now you've completely broken our only Master!"
"M-mph!"
Despite Da Vinci-chan's angry reprimand, Deadpool writhed violently, trying to break free from his bonds.
"No mercy this time. To make such an idiotic joke... You'll sit in icy water and think about your behavior."
As soon as Da Vinci-chan opened the emergency exit door, an icy wind and a furious Antarctic blizzard rushed in.
"M-m! M-mph! Ooooh!"
Sensing his demise (though he couldn't die in principle), Deadpool thrashed desperately, but in vain. Da Vinci-chan's face radiated such bloodlust that she seemed genuinely intent on finishing him off.
"Da Vinci-chan! No! Stop! Enough! Ritsuka has come to his senses!"
If she had only pushed him slightly, he would have tumbled down the cliff endlessly until he plunged into the icy abyss, but at the most opportune moment, Romani appeared and stopped her.
"Roman! This guy deserves it! I want to put him through a meat grinder, but since he won't die, at least I can vent my frustration like this!"
"Enough. Mister Pool has surely realized everything. We have more important things to do."
Romani reminded her of the Grand Order and the restoration of singularities, trying to calm Da Vinci-chan. Since she was still bothered by the guilt of having to entrust such a dangerous mission to children, she finally poked Deadpool's backside with the tip of her staff with all her might.
"Aaaah~!"
When the storm subsided, the miraculously saved Deadpool, the still-shocked Ritsuka, and Mash, who continued to comfort him, boarded the leukocyte transfer platform, preparing for departure to the next singularity.
"Mister Pool. Later, you will have to apologize properly to Senpai. Your jokes have crossed all boundaries," Mash cast a reproachful glance at Deadpool.
"I only took off his clothes! Only his clothes! Yes, the situation was ambiguous, but I didn't do anything like that, did I? I actually have a couple, even two: one man and one woman. Why would I bother this runt?" Deadpool tried desperately to justify himself. He just wanted to undress the guy and create a steamy atmosphere to scare him. Ritsuka was indeed scared, but Deadpool hadn't expected him to completely lose his mind.
"When we finish restoring humanity, I'll personally contact the Clock Tower and make sure you're recognized as a 'Preservation Target' and marinated in formaldehyde for the rest of your days," Da Vinci-chan warned him, still seething with anger, quite seriously.
"Now, now, everyone calm down. The next singularity is North America. Mr. Pool, these places should be familiar to you."
Roman hurried to change the subject and set the target coordinates. North America, a vast landmass known as the United States. A place with an amazing, albeit short, history: alliances and feuds between indigenous peoples and colonists from England, the gold rush, the Civil War.
"Oh! America! The land of immigrants! Hollywood! Broadway! The Seventh Fleet!"
For Deadpool, these were native lands. Of course, it was right under his native Canada. He was already anticipating how he would drop by home at the first opportunity and have a proper good time.
"In America, magic developed differently than in England. On one hand, the beliefs of the indigenous peoples, and on the other, the unique traditions brought by settlers from all over the world," Roman explained, launching the transfer process.
"The year is seventeen eighty-three. The time when America declared its independence. The beginning of a long path to superpower status."
"E pluribus unum! Out of many – one!"
Following Roman, Deadpool quoted the Latin motto. "E pluribus unum," the principle laid down at the founding of the USA. From many states – one nation, the very concept of the American federation.
"Remember, Deadpool. I'm watching you. Always."
As the device charged and Roman pressed the start button, Da Vinci-chan flashed her eyes, placed two fingers on her eyelids, and then pointed them at Deadpool.
"Yeah, your mom is the Mona Lisa!" At the very moment of dematerialization, Deadpool showed her his middle finger and muttered under his breath.
The next moment, Ritsuka's group was transported to the point set by Roman on the North American continent.