"Leave now! I told you to leave!"
Liz kept moving back and forth between me and Mom. She seemed unable to decide what to do—or rather, who to save. I don't think Mom was hurting physically the way I was. So why did Liz scramble over to her too? My mind was already too blank and my muscles too limp to muster any voice. My eyelids followed the rest of my body — only half open; I fought to keep them that way. The hot substance that flowed out of me, from the place where it burned so much, began to pool behind my back, almost like a small puddle. I felt like I was floating in it, the way Liz described floating in the sea. I felt my mind leave and return, over and over. My body didn't feel physical anymore; it felt… wrong. I couldn't tell whether what I was seeing was my world or reality. Off to the side, I saw figures and vibrant colors dance and whirl along the still blackness, slowly lifting themselves up with the help of the coral pink. At least no voices reached me. Only this silent dance, made for me and me alone. Made of colors only I could see.
I remember Liz asking if I felt sad about being blind, but I told her I didn't. Because I'm not bound by this physical world and the shapes attributed to its contents. I have my own vision; I can see too. Darkness doesn't consume my mind; vibrant colors do. Fierce red, delicate pink, pale blue, light purple, dark green—all these colors made my world, my colorful world that only I dared to be a spectator to.
"Stay with me, ####! Come on!"
The bright pink came back for me; Liz knelt over my body and pressed something against my burning stomach. The texture was too rough to be her hands and too cold to be any other part of her. I assumed it was a cloth; she was pressing it against my stomach and wrapping me from behind. Only then did I give up fighting against my brain. I wonder why I didn't do so when Mom was there. Why didn't I pass out immediately, instead of fighting to stay conscious? I think it was because I wanted to hear Mom say something… Even if she only told me happy birthday, I wanted to hear her say it. Words I heard almost every time a parent comes to visit their child in the hospital: "I love you." I wanted to hear Mom say it, and I wanted to say it back…
"I love you…"
* * *
I think it was raining hard when I woke up again. I felt a bit strange, especially in the lower part of my body—almost uncomfortable in my own skin. It was the first time I'd ever felt anything so unpleasant, but I got used to it soon enough. I've always adapted quickly, though this was the first time it was related to something inside my body. I took my time, opening my eyes and slowly stretching to release the tension that had built up in my muscles from not moving for what I think was a while.
"You're up? Never mind…"
I knew that voice… That expression, and that way of saying "You're up?" It was Mr. Evan. I didn't even need to turn around to know a lively green was beside me. Mr. Evan's green. The doctor who'd cared for me for as long as I could remember. Every time something went wrong, or my breathing became heavy and unregulated, he would always work what felt to me like magic on me, and everything inside me would return to normal. He said, "There's nothing magical; it's all medical."
"How are you feeling?"
His voice was calm and gentle, just the way he had always spoken to me. He had never raised his voice at me. I thought of him as an older brother… I think that's the best way to describe him. An older brother. I told him that once; I asked if he could be my older brother, and Mr. Evan said yes. That day I was happy the whole time, despite it being heavy with the operations and all the other things they do to my body.
"Good… My lower body feels a bit… weird?"
I heard a few scribbles before he answered.
"Mhm… mhm. It's normal, but don't worry—nothing that will last too long."
Hearing Mr. Evan say this weird feeling wouldn't last long really relieved me; otherwise, I would have paid it much more attention. Although my bottom felt heavy and strange, the rest of my body was drowned in a heavy soreness, like a rusty robot that hadn't been used in a while. I moved left and right, trying to stretch, but I still couldn't shake it.
"You slept for about… four months. That's after the operation."
"What happened?"
Even though I asked him, I still had only fragments of the past events, and I couldn't make them out because they appeared out of order. They were too vibrant and colorful to be real and too dark and painful to be fake. Sometimes I would see Liz's pink stirring ripples around the other colors in the room, but at the same time I would see Mom's newly absorbent black making its way past those colors. And speaking of Mom's black… I don't think she died, or came anywhere close to dying, except when she tried to jump from the window—but why did her color still stay black?
"You don't remember?"
"No… not much."
It was easier to deny than to explain to Mr. Evan that I saw all these colors and fragments mixing together in disarray. I could tell he went back to scribbling, silently this time.
"Well, if you don't remember, don't force it. Your memory will return eventually. The operation was successful, but try to move a bit less. We wouldn't want the wound to reopen, would we?"
I shook my head, and Mr. Evan patted me slightly before turning around. "Now that I see you're feeling well, I'll take my leave—may I?"
Even though Mr. Evan told me not to make any rash movements, I still reached out and grabbed him, almost falling off the bed, but Mr. Evan caught me.
"There we go, m'lady."
He held me up with both arms by my torso, as if I were nothing. When I think about it, Mr. Evan must have been really strong—abnormally strong for a simple doctor. If I had to guess, I'd say he was really muscular and had light brown hair… well, the hair part was what Liz told me.
"I can't go?"
I shook my head, still lifted in his arms. "Now, now. I have a lot of work to do. Big brother Evan would love to stay with you all day, but I'm really busy."
"Then when will you come back to see me?"
I know I was acting spoiled, but I couldn't help it. I wanted big brother Evan to come see me more often, but when he did, it was only for a few minutes. I wanted to talk to him more. I wanted Mr. Evan to describe himself the way Liz did, and play games with me, and teach me new things, and even tell me about being a doctor too, and… and…
I started crying; soft tears rolled down my cheeks. I was acting too spoiled… Big brother Evan wouldn't come to see me anymore if I kept crying like that, but I still couldn't stop. They flowed and flowed, like the rivers Liz described. And like a river's current, I couldn't swim against it.
"There, there. I know a lot happened, but I will be there for you."
He placed me on my bed and stroked my hair back and forth.
"More… More than before?"
"Yes. More than before."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
He grabbed my hand, folded all my fingers except my little one, and brought it closer to his. I felt the difference between our fingers. His were rougher, bigger, and, most of all, warmer. Mine were tiny and cold.
"With this, I can never break my promise. Wherever and whenever—if you call me, I will come."
"Wherever?"
"Yes. Wherever. You could be in England and call me, and before you can even blink, I will be there. That's my promise to you, ####."
With his hands, he wiped my already-dried tears, then helped me lie down in bed. Only then did I hear the suffocated screams of the sea. Its lullaby had turned into this aching scream. I knew it was raining, and I knew the blinds and the windows were closed.
"Big brother…"
"Yeah?"
"Can you open the blinds and the window?"
For a second, he paused; the lively green remained motionless. Then he turned to me and pulled the blanket over me, tucking it around my neck to keep me as warm and comfortable as possible.
"Your hearing is as sharp as ever… But no can do. The cold is already settling in, and it's even raining today. Wouldn't want you to become sick now, would I?"
I shook my head again. I kept hearing the waves intensify. There were screams begging to be released from behind the window, almost like they were thumping against it to be freed. Still, I did my best to ignore it, because I didn't want to cause trouble for big brother Evan.
"Good girl… Would m'lady allow me to take my leave now?"
"Big brother Evan…"
"Yes, m'lady?"
"Will Liz come to see me?"
"…"
"Will she?"
"No. Not anymore."
I didn't understand the sudden shift in his tone. The gentle, caring attitude he always had when he talked to me was nowhere to be found, but I knew big brother Evan didn't mean to be that way. But why wouldn't Liz come to see me? She came almost every day, and we would talk for hours. Why did his tone suddenly shift when Liz was mentioned? I couldn't understand, but I decided to keep quiet. I had held Mr. Evan back from his work long enough.
I was jealous of sharing my big brother with the others, but I shouldn't act too spoiled. So I waved toward the green as it floated away and disappeared behind the darkness.
"It's almost ten! So sleep well!"
His voice from behind the door made me smile, and just as he'd ordered, I closed my eyelids and prepared to fall asleep. I thought it would be easy, given how sore and tired my body felt, but surprisingly I kept wiggling around in bed, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. I didn't know if it was because all the memories were piecing together in my head, or because big brother Evan's promise made me happy. I felt like it was a mix of both.
About thirty minutes later, I heard knocking at my door. I was still wavering between the dream world and the real world, so I couldn't really answer. Even without an answer, the door opened, and my eyes widened at the same time.
It was the same pink I knew so well, the one I could recognize even among a thousand other shades. The caring pink that had taught me how to build my world. The person who was always by my side, no matter how much time passed. It was Liz… Liz had come. Without a sound, she crept to my bed and brushed her hand through my hair.
"So it's true… I'm glad… I'm glad you're alive."
I could hear her softly weeping, but I didn't know why. I thought she had been by my side during those four months I was unconscious, but hearing Mr. Evan's tone at the mention of Liz, that way of thinking probably wasn't the best way to interpret it. Her voice cracked with tears, but she kept it low, as if hiding from something or someone.
"I'm truly glad…"
Her hand ran along my back before she pressed her body against mine in a warm embrace. For me, it seemed like I had only seen her yesterday at most, but it must have been a whole different story for Liz. I wanted to ask her what happened after I lost consciousness, but I didn't want to interrupt her moment. Her wet jacket dampened my blanket as she held me tighter.
I wrapped my arms around her body too and let her cry on my shoulder, as she had always done for me. This time it was my turn to give her a shoulder to cry on.
Just as her weeping died down, she lifted her chin from my shoulder and held me by the shoulders. Her tone had completely shifted—more intense and urgent. At the sound of her voice, I knew something wasn't right. In those four months, something had happened to Liz.
"Do you want to come with me, ####?"
"What…? Where?"
"Anywhere you want. Let's live… together."