Aizen: "Oh my, another newcomer. @Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished, greetings. I am Aizen. Welcome."
Otto Apocalypse: "Welcome to the group, my friend. @Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished."
Forever Seventeen: "Ara, a newcomer? Quick, send a photo so big sister can take a look."
King of Heroes: "Hoh? Another new member? I wonder whether you can bring this king some fresh amusement."
Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor: "Welcome. May I ask if you are interested in learning about our funeral services? (smiling)"
Northern Northern Northern: "Welcome.jpg (Northern exclusive)"
Fujiwara Chika: "Yay, welcome! I'm Fujiwara Chika. If there's anything you don't understand, feel free to ask me. @Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished"
…
As messages scrolled across the panel, he felt a thick wave of ill intent wash over him.
His memories were blurred, but he vaguely recalled that Aizen was a character from some anime.
And Otto Apocalypse—surely from a game.
If he remembered correctly, both were the type you'd desperately want to fight using cheat codes.
As for the King of Heroes?
He couldn't quite recall, but judging by the tone… probably someone who thrived on amusement at others' expense.
The rest?
No impression whatsoever.
Wait.
What were cheat codes again?
While he was still pondering that, the chat window refreshed.
Forever Seventeen: "Why is the newcomer so quiet? That name of yours… did something happen? Come on, tell us so everyone can—"
Fujiwara Chika: "Lady Yukari is so warmhearted. Trying to help right away."
Forever Seventeen: "Now, now, I never said I'd help. I just want him to share so we can all have a little fun. (grinning)"
King of Heroes: "Yes. Speak, and entertain this king."
Fujiwara Chika: "…Lady Yukari, Uncle Gil, that's really bad for your reputation."
Northern Northern Northern: "Bad reputation.jpg (Northern exclusive)"
Forever Seventeen: "What does it matter? I'm a youkai, not a human."
King of Heroes: "Hmph. Reputation? Why would this king care for such trivialities?"
Fujiwara Chika: "..."
Aizen: "Now, now. Let us not quarrel. We have gathered here from different worlds. We ought to help one another."
Northern Northern Northern: "Agree.jpg (Northern exclusive)"
Forever Seventeen: "But I'm just a seventeen-year-old girl, you know. Hehe."
King of Heroes: "Hmm. You make a fair point."
Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor: "By the way, Uncle Gil, how has your health been lately? @King of Heroes"
King of Heroes: "Oh? You concern yourself with this king's health? There is no discomfort—merely some recent fatigue."
Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor: "In that case, would you like to consider our services? We're currently offering a twenty percent discount, a complimentary coffin, and half price for the second gravestone. (smiling)"
King of Heroes: "Unnecessary! (furious)"
—
In his palace, Gilgamesh nearly crushed the stone tablet in his hand.
Fujiwara Chika: "Uncle Gil fell for it again. I've lost count."
Northern Northern Northern: "+1"
Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor: "Don't be angry. I'm merely developing potential clients. Hehe."
In Liyue Harbor, within the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's main hall, Hu Tao swung her short legs lightly from her chair, smiling as she watched the chat interface only she could see.
King of Heroes: "You call this 'developing clients'? You are cursing this king to die!"
Fujiwara Chika: "Now, now, no fighting. You're scaring the newcomer into silence."
King of Heroes: "Hmph. This king has matters to attend to!"
With that, Gilgamesh exited the chat and returned to handling the mountain of affairs before him.
Fujiwara Chika: "@Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished, may I ask what trouble you're facing? Is something wrong with your wife? You can tell us. Maybe we can help."
He nodded slightly.
A kind one.
Forever Seventeen: "Yes, yes, tell us so we can all enjoy it."
A bad one.
Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished: "@Fujiwara Chika Thank you for your concern. My trouble is simply that my wife is destined to leave me due to certain reasons. However, I have already found a solution."
Fujiwara Chika: "That's good! Congratulations then, Mr. Tarnished. If you run into any trouble, feel free to share it here."
Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished: "Thank you."
He was now certain that Fujiwara Chika was one of the few genuinely good people in this group.
After a moment's thought, he typed another message.
Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished: "@Forever Seventeen May I ask, miss, would you be interested in coming to the Lands Between to become kindling?"
The idea had resurfaced.
Recruit someone else to burn the Erdtree.
This Forever Seventeen seemed suitable.
The King of Heroes might also work.
He didn't quite remember what a youkai was, but that didn't matter.
As long as they hadn't received the Erdtree's Grace—
And could burn.
Forever Seventeen: "Kindling? What's that? Another kind of king?"
Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished: "Yes. Kindling is the greatest figure in our world—a king who leads all people toward light."
The description sounded exaggerated.
But technically, it was true.
Burning the Erdtree was the ultimate sin. It released Destined Death and brought an end to all things.
Even after the Elden Ring shattered, none dared violate that rule. Not even other Tarnished.
In such a world, was one who dared burn the Erdtree not truly great?
Yet on the other side of the chat, Yukari narrowed her eyes.
Forever Seventeen: "My apologies, Mr. Tarnished. I appreciate the offer, but becoming a king is not for me. Perhaps you should ask Gilgamesh instead. He might be interested."
She didn't understand what kindling truly meant.
But her instincts were screaming at her to stay far away from it.
Trying to Save My Wife Tarnished: "I see. Very well. Then I shall end the chat here for now. My journey must begin."
If she refused, he wouldn't force it.
There would be other opportunities.
After all—
He had all the time in the world.