5
—His consciousness continued hearing the sound of things breaking.
Bones being chewed, his brain being crushed, his eyes bursting and
splattering like overripe grapes.
His skull. It was his skull that shattered. And inside, all those important
things jumbled together.
It all combined as his consciousness and memories turned into the color
of flesh and transformed into vomit.
It was a head-splitting pain— As he thought that, his consciousness
sneered at him.
Your head is already split, and everything inside it is already splattered.
You lost the part that lets you feel pain a while back already, so what are
you talking about?
His brain for storing memories was crushed, his organ for thinking
destroyed, and all the crucial bits for just maintaining vital functions had
burst. What was there other than death?
People who ended up like that died. So naturally, Subaru Natsuki had also
—
"—rusu. Barusu. Get ahold of yourself."
His untethered consciousness was grabbed by the root and forcibly
dragged to a bright place.
When he got back, the first thing he sensed was someone else calling his
name. It wasn't just a voice. He could feel a gentle slapping on his cheek.
And the gravelly feel of sand in his mouth.
"Barusu, wake up already. Don't make me burn away your eyelids."
"—Ngh."
Hearing such a frightening threat as the first thing upon waking, his
consciousness quickly surfaced.
Guided by that voice, his consciousness rose from a sea of darkness,
breaking the water's surface—
"—Are you up, Barusu?"
Right in front of him, he saw Ram's face, her pink eyes narrowing.
" "
Dangerously close. Close enough to feel her breath. Close enough their
lips might accidentally touch. Of course, Ram had no intention of something
like that. It was just that the surroundings were dark, and they couldn't see
each other's faces without being that close.
One breath. As Subaru exhaled, Ram slowly moved away. The darkness
coloring the world felt unreal, and Subaru grabbed a handful of sand to
double-check that he was really there.
And also, he could tell that he had died and reset again.
"I…I…"
Confirming his heart was beating, he took his time remembering what had
happened.
The moment of death was always intense, and the perfect memory of it
was as unpleasant as ever. Stepping through it, though, he traced the steps he
had taken leading up to his death—
"Ugh…"
The vivid memory of the insignificant argument that had set him off, that
had turned into a shouting match and then a murderous spree suddenly reared
its head.
"Barusu?"
"Ugh, eh…gaaah."
Ram looked suspicious of Subaru's condition, but he didn't have the
mental capacity to answer her. His eyes were spinning in nausea.
When it came to his own death, he was a veteran. He had experienced
more times than he could count on two hands. But that didn't mean he was
used to death, either.
That applied to his own death, too, of course, but it was the same for
others as well. For his comrades and friends or anyone else.
He was scared of dying himself, but the thought of someone he knew
dying was enough to tear at his heart.
—All the more so with how gruesome Ram's death had been. That was
the worst shock of all—and something he had never experienced before.
"…Ogh, geh, geh-hoh, gah-ha."
He desperately tried not to remember it, but that was no different than
trying to remember it.
Ram's gory fate, trusty Patlash's vicious act. The more he tried to forget
them, the more vividly he saw the clumps of pink hair sticking out of the land
dragon's fangs and the remnants of her head lying on the ground.
As a result, he couldn't hold back the nausea welling up inside him, and
he vomited into the sand.
But his stomach and throat couldn't recover from the shock of that death.
He just hunched over, spasming as drool slipped from his mouth.
"…All that after waking up? How pathetic."
A cold voice fell on Subaru as he bent over on all fours in the sand,
desperately gasping. Ram was right beside him, looking down at him. Her
cold attitude just reminded him of their argument right before he died.
Remembering the rage and murderousness that had swelled in him for no
reason, the argument that had turned into a fight to the death…the way he had
been overcome by his impulses, his chest ached, and he got scared.
What if something like that happened again—?
"Don't you dare bite down."
"—Ngh."
With that one preface, Ram held his chin with her finger.
Subaru froze in surprise, but paying that no heed, Ram opened his mouth,
and looking bored, she stuck her white finger down his throat.
"…?! Oh, eough."
"I knew you were a bungler through and through, but if you can't even do
this much, how are you any better than a baby."
Subaru's throat was violently assaulted.
But because of that, his stomach and throat that had only been spasming
adapted to that new shock and naturally ejected the nausea that was welling
up inside him.
All that came out was gastric juices and saliva, but it made Subaru feel
far better than before he had been able to get anything out.
"Eh-hoh, geh-ha…haah…huu… Sorry… I'm okay now…"
"Oh? Well, I'm gwad you were able to feel bwetter."
"Y-you…"
Subaru wiped his mouth on his sleeve as Ram shrugged and responded
with baby talk.
He had his complaints with that attitude, but it was true that his inability
to perform that natural bodily function put him on the same level as a nursing
baby. He didn't have any ground to stand on to argue with Ram's hand still
gently patting his back.
It was a hard-to-understand, awkward sort of thoughtfulness.
"You can stop with the hand. More importantly, this is…"
"You remember the light from the watchtower and the crack in space
shattering, right? We were swallowed up in that fissure and ended up thrown
out here."
Ram gestured at the surroundings with her chin as Subaru escaped her
hand on his back. Hearing that, Subaru was struck by a surprise that was late
to register.
" "
Subaru had already died three times while trying to clear the Auguria
Dunes. But his restart point this time was different from the previous two
points. It had moved from right before they had faced the flower garden
aboveground to the starting point of the sand labyrinth after being separated
from Emilia and the others.
"You look pathetic."
Subaru's face had stiffened as he realized what had happened when
Ram's finger suddenly touched him. Looking toward that warmth, he saw
Ram nodding, her expression unchanged.
"Don't get flustered. Just calm down. What happened, happened. Right
now, we have to keep our heads about us and accept the situation we are in.
Though that might be asking a bit much of you."
" "
Ram's soft voice and the warmth of her finger gradually helped him get
through the panic that hit him as he kneeled on the cold sand.
Ram's thoughts and Subaru's internal confusion were not quite in
alignment, though.
Ram was thinking of the fact that they had been seemingly warped away
and separated from their companions, while Subaru was dwelling on the
combined facts of his previous death and that the reset point had changed, but
they were both coming to grips with heavy shocks.
Finally, Subaru digested what Ram was saying—and her thoughtfulness—
and slowly exhaled.
"…Ram…"
"What?"
"Your finger feels nice…bgh?!"
"Don't push your luck, you Barusu."
"Could you please not use my name like it's some kind of insult?!"
Subaru ate a slap as payment for his careless comment and complained
with teary eyes. But Ram was hurriedly wiping her finger with sand, ready to
shoot that request down immediately.
Just when I think she's being oddly nice, suddenly this is the treatment I
get.
But Subaru experienced a heartfelt sense of relief at an exchange with her
that was like normal.
It had not improved the situation at all, but even so, it felt like a weight off
his chest.
Because of that, though, there was one more thing he wanted to say, before
the scenario started moving again.
"—What?"
Seeing Subaru looking at her, Ram furrowed her brow dubiously.
Looking into her pink eyes, Subaru took a deep breath.
"Ram, the reason I grabbed you when this happened is because I was
holding on to you before the world started shattering and because in that
moment you were the weakest person and the person closest to me, and
um…"
" "
"—Why did you grab me and not Rem?"
Hearing his explanation, Ram's face merged with that of the Ram who had
interrogated him earlier.
It was very clear that none of them were in their right mind when that
unnatural fight broke out. They were not calm, and all sorts of little things
amplified and turned into a murderous rage. It had been an impossible
situation, the worst sort of thing that could happen, caused by such extreme
densities of miasma.
But Subaru didn't believe there wasn't some lingering truth spoken in that
moment, either.
"In the moment, I wasn't weighing you and anyone else in the scales. I
didn't have the composure to do something like that, and my lackluster ability
to act in an extreme situation is al—"
"Idiot."
"Huh?"
Subaru was desperately trying to explain himself when Ram interrupted
him with just one curt word. Subaru looked up at that unexpected response
only to have Ram's finger touch his nose. Or rather, she had pointed her
finger, and he had stuck her finger into his nose by looking up. A sharp pain
hit him.
"Gaaah!"
"I'm sick and tired of your driveling excuses— It's pointless to keep
blaming yourself. There's no meaning in searching for someone else to
blame, either. You have things you should be doing instead of wasting time
like that."
Heaving a sigh, Ram picked up the lantern next to her. She tapped the side
of it, and the ragmite ore inside started faintly glowing, breaking the darkness
of the labyrinth.
"We already wasted enough time with you spilling your stomach all over
the sand."
"I know… What about the others?"
"They are separated for the most part. Other than you and me and… Ah,
looks like they're back now."
He wiped his mouth with his sleeve while hating himself for the
shamelessness of asking a question he already knew the answer to.
Looking up, the light of the lantern Ram was holding ran into another
lantern's light. Anastasia and Patlash had come back after looking around
their surroundings.
—Subaru's heart shuddered at the gallant and menacing visage of the land
dragon that appeared in the light.
"How stupid can I be…"
Gripping his own chest strongly, Subaru gritted his teeth, swallowing the
weakness that was welling up inside him.
There was no reason for him to let himself be held back by that crazy
friction now. The fact that he had been killed by Patlash had left a deep, deep
scar on his heart.
Still, he had come face-to-face with people who had killed him plenty of
times before.
"Right, it was the same with Rem and Ram, too. At first…"
At this point, Ram had even shown him a bit of kindness, even if it could
be a bit difficult to understand. And Rem had done so much to support him,
had saved him from despair.
Their relationships had been bad at first, and they had both not only tried
to kill him, but even actually killed him before.
Compared to that, what had just happened with Patlash wasn't even a
result of her real feelings.
"—Thank goodness. So you're awake, Natsuki."
"Thank you for going to look around. Did you find anything?"
Ram and Anastasia started talking.
They were going to start discussing what to do going forward and how to
get through the sand labyrinth. He needed to join in and let them know. To
make sure that tragedy didn't happen again.
" "
I'm past the fact that I died and the ef ects of what happened leading up
to that. So the pain and sense of loss I'm feeling are just my imagination
and not real.
Winning out against all of that is my battle, and I have to get through it
with everyone safe.
In order to do that, he needed…
"—Fight, Subaru Natsuki. You don't have time to be trembling in fear."
He swallowed his fear and took a deep breath. In order to correct the
mistakes he had made in his previous round, in order to change things this
time.
" "
The black land dragon was looking at Subaru with concern in her eyes.