It's like the end to the means
Fucked type of message that sends to the fiends
That's why he brings his own needles
And get more cheese than Doritos, Cheetos or Fritos
Slip like Freudian
Your first and last step to playin' yourself like accordion
- Madvillain, Accordion
///
6 / 1 / 2016
"May I ask a personal question?"
"Shoot."
"You said you eventually put caring for Rumi above all else. May I ask how you managed that?"
He pauses for a moment, strokes his chin a little in a thinking pose, "Well. I'd be lying if I said it was easy."
"Could you elaborate?"
"The first few months were the hardest, I'd say. I was overwhelming myself. On the one hand I wanted to find her parents' killer. So I obsessed over it. Tried to find people with the description that matched him. He had worn a mask, and Rumi...was in no shape to really recount events clearly. It was difficult, but I persevered. At the same time, Rumi herself was growing more and more detached from reality with each passing day. At first, she couldn't sleep. Then, she wouldn't eat much. Then, she wouldn't even look at me. Then, she'd barely say a word to me. Soon enough our conversations became virtual monologues on my end. I came to resent her, eventually."
"Resent her?"
"I'd like to say I was wholly devoted to her recovery from the very beginning. Truth is I made many missteps along the way. I'd overwork myself to the point of forgetting meals, which would make her even more guilty. I'd try to fill the air with conversation and she'd never be able to come up with much of anything in response. I'd never spend enough time with her, even then. Always going around the clock doing whatever. Remember, we were both still in college at the time. I'd grow impatient, but I'd always keep it tucked away from her. I told myself she should never notice me breaking at the seams, because she needed me to be her rock. But really, I was trying to run away from everything I was feeling at the time. It all came to a head, eventually."
"What do you mean by that?"
He smiles sadly, "I ended up losing my temper at her. Just once. I was furious over something I don't even remember. After that, she wouldn't just stop speaking to me. She stopped speaking, in general. That was the point where I decided to focus all my efforts on her and her recovery. The cops found the killer two months later."
"I'm sorry to dredge all these memories up."
"No, it's fine."
"How is she now? Where is she?"
"Kanazawa. She's living with her sister and her husband. She's apparently doing just fine. Even got a job working as a waitress."
"That's nice to hear."
"Why did you want to know?"
"Because...," I rub the back of my head. "I...made a promise to Kana."
"Okay."
"It's a personal promise. I don't feel comfortable talking about the promise itself. But...I've broken it, twice now. And I feel like shit for doing it. I feel like I'm half-assing things. I said I'd do all these things after she died and I've just kinda floundered around, doing exactly what I said I'd never do again."
"If you're not gonna tell me about the promise itself, that's your prerogative. But you'll have to get a firm grasp on the behaviors you indulge in before you break said promise. Recognizing how you feel beforehand, and working to resist the temptation."
"...I promised I'd never," go into Palaces again, "I promised, I'd--"
"You don't have to tell me, if you feel uncomfortable."
"I hurt her. Before she died I hurt her. I did things I'll never forget. I did it in a fit of panic and anger and not knowing what the hell the future held. And I promised...I'd never do to others what I did to her. I broke that promise twice over, now. Every time I broke that promise, I felt like I was doing it to someone who deserved it."
"That doesn't really explain much..."
"I'm sorry. I'm sure this must be supremely confusing for you."
"One thing at a time. We're working through it together. You're opening up, at least. Though, I would like to know, as your probation officer, if you are getting into any physical altercations in school."
"Nothing of that sort."
"That's good to hear, but...in that case, how do you hurt these people? And what makes you think they deserved it beforehand?"
I rub the back of my head, trying to figure out how to word things, "Let's just say, I pull up a mirror to show them what they are."
He narrows his eyes, "Were they really so deserving of that?"
"Absolutely. But because I felt they deserved it I was willing to break that promise twice over."
"I'd prefer it if you didn't get into conflicts in school. You need to keep your head low, now more than ever."
"I know. I'm working to correct that. I don't want to keep breaking that promise. I see her all the time."
"You see her?"
"In the corners of my room. In my classroom. For hours. Before it'd just be an instant. Maybe peppered throughout the day. Spread out. But now I see her in blocks. Constantly looking at me."
"I see...," he starts scribbling down notes. "Okay. Have you been sleeping well as of late?"
"No. For like four hours each night."
"Have you been taking any medication?"
"No."
"If anything, you probably should...how long have these hallucinations lasted?"
"Since the day she died."
He purses his lips, then. "It's very serious, then. Does she do anything other than...stand around, as you say?"
"Just stands around somewhere and looks at me. Sometimes she says things. But they're mostly just things she'd said to me before, when she was still alive."
"Can you describe her appearance for me?"
"A lot of the time, I see her skinned alive. Other times she's in a white nightgown, her wrists open and eyes hollow."
"I can put in a recommendation for some medication."
"How bad is it? Give me the full story."
"People often see auditory or visual hallucinations of a person they're in the middle of grieving. The most common form of this is mainly a sense that they're there--a feeling. Hallucinations of this nature..."
Dear God. "What...?"
"Do you often feel like your thoughts are disorganized? Like, your thoughts are hazy and the like?"
Oh no. "Sometimes, I forget things. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, my head kinda...blots out certain parts of my memory. What's happening to me?"
"Calm down."
"God, what--what's happening to me? Am I going to lose it? Am I going crazy?" What the fuck am I saying, of course I have, after everything I've seen I'd be crazy if I didn't go crazy--
"Listen to me," he places his hands on my shoulders. "We can get you through this."
"Do I have something like schizophrenia?"
"I can't say for sure. We'll have to talk more. You'll have to guide me through what you feel."
"I'm scared."
"Anyone would be. That's a sign you've still got a strong foothold on yourself. Listen to me, Kazuya. You're still going strong. You just need to keep going."
"Ever since I started breaking that promise I've been seeing her more and more," I huff, breaths heavy and labored and fearful, "this is my punishment, this is what I deserve, isn't it?"
"You don't deserve this, Kazuya."
"I hurt her, I hurt her and because of that she died, because of that she cut her wrists open and stared up at me and allowed the blood to pool into the bathtub and I couldn't--"
"Kazuya, please. She wouldn't want to see you this way."
"Even after I hurt her...? Even after everything I did...!?"
"There's nothing you can do for her, Kazuya. You loved her. And I'm sure she loved you back. She wouldn't want you to keep blaming yourself. She wouldn't think you deserved any of this."
"I do," I begin hyperventilating again as I hunch over in agony, "I do deserve it, goddammit, you don't even know, I...I..."
He suddenly goes into the kitchen, comes back with a glass of water which I down in three gulps.
"Th-thank you."
"I'll go ahead and make dinner. Once you've had your fill, we can continue talking. You need a break."
"Can we talk day after tomorrow, instead?" I heave. "I...I feel like I need time to sort my head out."
"Sure," Maruki says, Kana standing right behind him.
.
.
.
6 / 2 / 2016
"Oh, good. You haven't gone home yet." Kawakami approaches me after classes are over. "Niijima-san's looking for you. Could you head to the student council room right away? She says she wants you to fill out some paperwork."
What? "I...don't understand."
"Telling me that isn't gonna get you out of this. The student council room is on the third floor, next to the library. Got it?" then she turns away and mumbles something about how it sucks that as a teacher she's doing errands for a student, and leaves the room.
I don't like it. Not one bit. Niijima's not a girl to take Fuck You for an answer, it seems. The shit I pulled with Kobayakawa's obviously on her mind, considering in a half-lucid state I beat his ass in front of her no less than a day before he got hit by a car.
Something rings in the back of my head. Telling me if I choose to just leave I'm fucked anyway. So might as well get it over with.
"Ah. Earlier than expected. Have a seat."
She and I sit across from each other, in this lone student council room, and she mutters, "I'll get straight to the point. Mr. Kamoshida and Principal Kobayakawa. Won't you tell me the truth behind what happened to them both?"
I'd make some kind of a snarky remark, drive her up the wall and get myself the hell out of here. But nothing's coming to mind.
"Can't answer that? Ah, of course. There's no way you'd admit to such things. Even though it's obvious. That day you barged into the principal's office, you accused him of involving his own students in drug-trafficking, well before cops could conduct any sort of formal investigation on school grounds. I saw how Kobayakawa reacted after you'd confronted him. Once you'd run out the door he started screaming, holding his head, suddenly on the verge of tears. He ran out the door, tried to chase you down and he screamed horribly. In moments I saw him break down. Apologizing for something, over and over again. I asked him what was wrong, he wouldn't tell me, he said he'd make sure to tell the cops, tell them he'd reveal everything. After I pleaded with him to tell me what was going on, he screamed and fled to his car, driving away from the school."
Why is my left hand shaking?
Why's the whole goddamn room pressing down on me?
Why is Kana standing behind her?
And why's she smiling?
"I think I misread you, then. Back in the Big Bang Burger. Your criminal background as well as your general disposition led me to make assumptions about you that couldn't have been further from the truth. You're not just a delinquent with a criminal record. You're far worse."
Suddenly it comes, it comes in the form of a chill running down my back and hairs dangling over my head, "Yeah, yeah, I'm the Devil, or whatever bullshit Sakamoto told you. Now, is there a point to any of this, or can I leave? I've got flowers to tend to--"
She opens her phone, gives a smile as she presses the screen.
"What the hell's the matter with you!? Once ya got a taste of Kamoshida, you just couldn't help but throw yourself to another one, huh? You expect me to believe you had nothing to do with Kobayakawa!?"
"He used to be yakuza."
"What...?"
Stupid.
Fucking stupid asshole. She was right fucking there and you were so stuck on yourself you couldn't even see her. How could you let fucking Niijima sneak up on you?
I'm explaining everything I knew of Kobayakawa from his Palace on the recording. I have too much data surrounding him and his double life and it's now wretchedly obvious I'm the man responsible.
"You asshole. You couldn't try to leave him alive!? You just—you just had to make him—"
"I didn't have to do anything at all. I just did it. I wanted to do it."
"Why!? Goddammit, why!?"
"Why not? Honestly. Why not? Because it's wrong?"
Makoto Niijima keeps an impassive look and it's obvious she's relishing this. My left hand won't stop shaking as the recording keeps going on and I listen to myself like a dumbass, but I keep my eyes on her all the while and keep the urge to smash that phone at bay for just a little while longer. Don't fucking lose it. Destroying her phone won't fucking do anything, she's already saved the file on her goddamn laptop because why the fuck wouldn't she? She'd have to be as stupid as me, I, the guy who talked his ass off about this bullshit in the middle of the goddamn day because I'm so goddamn sad all the time—
"So it's okay if you do worse to them than they ever did to anyone else, is that your logic? You think you can just do whatever you want, so long as you drag people like them down along with you?"
"They had it coming for all their lives."
"What happens when someone decides you have it coming, too?"
"Then they'd better not pussy out halfway through."
Her eyes are firm as the recording ends in a ruffling noise. "What could all this mean? Was it blackmail? Hypnosis? How could you coerce people into confessing? Into driving them to suicide? Won't you tell me how you did it?"
I exhale, trying to conceal my gut reactions to the visions filling my head at this very moment,
"I reserve my right to remain silent."
She smirks proudly, "That's virtually an admission of guilt, you know."
"It's my right."
"You're trying to say this proves nothing, aren't you?" She scoffs, eyes narrowing, "I'll speak plainly, then. I believe you are responsible for the incidents surrounding Suguru Kamoshida and Sohei Kobayakawa. Now what would the police think, if they heard this recording? You'd undoubtedly be thrown back in prison. That much is obvious. But you're not the only person implicated, are you?"
I couldn't give a shit about going back to jail. But she knows exactly what she's done. Fucking deranged and stupid, that's all you are. "You leave them out of this."
"You dragged them into this in the first place."
"They don't have shit to do with my mistakes. You can't just threaten to drive them out of this school for what I did."
Her voice turns sterner, she rises from her seat and glares, "It's made perfectly clear, within this very recording, that Ryuji Sakamoto, Ann Takamaki, and Kasumi Yoshizawa were involved in some fashion with Suguru Kamoshida's suicide attempt. For as much as Yoshizawa and Sakamoto may regret collaborating with you, in the end they're just as responsible for Kamoshida as you are."
"No they are not. You don't know what you're talking about."
"Even if you're the only one expelled and sent to prison, it's not like the rest of them will be unscathed."
What the hell am I saying?
Who gives a fuck about those three!?
I can leave this place. I can just get my goddamn bag and leave her here, let the po-po swipe in and take me away in handcuffs. Juvie isn't even all that different from school anyway. It'll be another year, maybe ten or more, but I can endure. Whatever this bitch thinks I am, I'm not so stupid that I'd let myself become her fucking dog for the sake of three people who I don't even know, who don't know me, and who don't even like me.
So why aren't my goddamn legs moving my body out the door.
"You said you haven't had a future in two years. You may not care about what happens to you. But you don't strike me as someone who'd abandon your friends."
"They aren't my friends."
Her eyes have grown emboldened, with a ferocity beyond anything I could have ever imagined coming out of someone like her. "Then why don't you just leave?"
"What the fuck do you want from me? You could've given that recording to Sawamura or the cops. Hell, your sister's a prosecutor. You could've given it to them at any time. Instead you approached me with it first. So you obviously want something."
"I'm certain you're responsible for Kamoshida's leap off the roof. But I'm not quite sure you're responsible for Kobayakawa's death. Too many mitigating factors."
"Like what?"
"For one thing, if he intended to kill himself in the first place, why did he make the effort to approach a police station? Did he really need to go all the way there to throw himself into traffic? He lives near a highway. Now we can chalk it up to general mental instability, but from what I could tell of him, he expressed a desire to confess before anything else."
"What're you getting at?"
"I don't think he planned to kill himself at all. And considering his ties to yakuza, him suffering a hit-and-run just as he's about to make a confession is rather... convenient. Tell me, did you intend to have him thrown into traffic? Or did you intend to simply make him own up to his crimes?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't remember."
She smirks, "I thought you were smart enough to come up with better excuses."
I smile a smile that doesn't reach my eyes. "Sometimes I remember things. Sometimes I don't."
"Did you want him to die?"
I shake my head. "I didn't really care what happened to him."
"Did you want Kamoshida to die?"
"I didn't care what happened to him, either."
"And you don't regret any of it?"
"I'd do it again and again."
"You're willing to take that on your conscience?"
"You want remorse, talk to Sakamoto."
"How could you?" she scowls.
"The others wanted him to confess his crimes. Takamaki in particular wanted to make him live. Thought it'd have been too easy for him to just die. But it didn't matter to me either way. The school is better off without Kamoshida. Whole damn world's better off without him. "
"Everything that you've said is true. But he deserved a fair trial."
"According to who."
"The law!"
"Who gives a shit."
"Excuse me!?"
"You and I both know if nothing happened to Kamoshida he'd be raping more girls right under your nose, all the way 'til fucking retirement. You and Kobayakawa and the rest of the fucks on the sports teams woulda kept their heads down until graduation. The law wasn't there to stop him because he was the law."
"So that excuses what you did!?"
"I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you the truth. But if you're so fucking stupid that you can't even wrap your head around that--" I damn near yell at her, "--Kamoshida had sex with kids in order to boost his goddamn ego. Because I got rid of him, the students you care so goddamn much about can finally be free to bitch about all the shit he put them through. And you can sit right here, complaining about how I did a helluva lot more to stop him than you ever did. If silence is an admission of guilt, then you and everyone else in this fucking place deserve a goddamn life sentence."
She purses her lips, and her voice creaks.
It looks like it takes all her strength to say it, but she does:
"You're right," and she leans back in her seat, folding her arms. "The truth about Kamoshida must've been covered up by the whole school. I had my suspicions, but...I felt couldn't do anything about it. That's what I'd tell myself. But the reality was I didn't do anything. The truth is, had I cared enough, I could have done something."
"And this is your idea of atonement. I know you like to kiss the teachers' asses, but..."
"What are you talking about!?" she cries, infuriated.
I smirk and make my voice high-pitched, "Principal Sawamura, I found the guy who drove Kamoshida to jump, now please gimme a letter of recommendation."
"I'm not doing this for a letter of recommendation, I'm not doing this for the teachers or their approval!"
"Coulda fooled me. You let that fucking wide load treat you like a dog on a leash--"
"You don't know what I've--"
"You chose to ignore Kamoshida--"
"Shut up! I--"
"--you chose to ignore Kamoshida, the whole school knows you're bending over backwards for some fucking reason—"
"I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR MY SISTER!!!"
Of course, the sister. "What does your sister have to do with your negligence?"
She speaks like she hates admitting it. But it's less the act of admitting itself, and more the fact she's admitting it to me. "My older sister has a commendable job. She's a much more remarkable person than I'll ever be. A lot happened after we lost our father three years ago. It's just been the two of us, since then... but since I'm still a child, I'm nothing but a burden to her."
I narrow my eyes, "That's why you were willing to do whatever the teachers asked of you?"
"I wanted to show that I could be useful!" she shouts, her voice wavering and her eyes blistering. "To my sister, to the students, to the teachers, to myself, I wanted to increase my standing so I'd be able to lighten the load off my sister's back! I didn't think it'd come to any of this! And now innocent people are—are stuck in this mess, all because I let monsters like Kobayakawa and Kamoshida run around doing whatever the hell they wanted."
My left hand begins trembling as I see Kana hovering behind her, cupping her hands along her face, her hairs crawling over her shoulders. She can't contain the sheer spite in her eyes.
"I want to be perfectly frank with you. What you did to Kamoshida disgusts me. As far as I'm concerned you're a danger to everyone around you. A vindictive borderline-psychotic, willing to engage in the exact same behaviors you condemn the second someone crosses you. But in the end...you can't stand by whenever you witness people trying to use their power and authority to harm others. You won't just turn away and hope it isn't true, like I did. And you're not afraid to do dirty work if it's required of you. That's why...I need your help."
"My help?"
"Whatever your methods are, I'd like to clarify something. Judging from Kobayakawa, it seems possible for you to simply make your victims feel so much remorse for their actions that they turn themselves in. So to speak, you can give them a change of heart. Is that correct?"
I lean my head back. "That depends. Why do you ask?"
"So you're saying it's not impossible. What do you mean by it depends?"
"It's a process you won't understand, even if I tell you."
She folds her arms, leaning back in her seat, "Try me."
I hiss as I see a girl, skinned alive, wearing purple robes and holding the bones of her dead child. "If you're extremely, emotionally depressed and unstable, that complicates things."
"I see. Would you be able to change the heart of a yakuza boss?"
Holy shit. "You're targeting the yakuza?"
"Yes, I am. But you didn't answer my question. Would you be able to change their heart or not?"
"Why do you even—?"
"It was as you said. Kobayakawa had been using his own students to distribute narcotics for him. He'd been at that for a very long time. But despite his death, his employers have only grown bolder. Without Kobayakawa's input, they've begun targeting students from various schools, including our own, for the past two weeks. This group seems to be the cause of the rise in phishing scams. Once you're in their sights, they won't stop threatening you until they get what they want. They'll force you to take part in their scams, threaten your family, and ultimately destroy your life."
"How'd you become aware of this?"
"I was approached by a student whose identity won't be disclosed here. She'd been forced into this by Kobayakawa, and after his death she was threatened again. Sent a letter telling her that if she snitched, she and her family would be sent into Tokyo Bay, wrapped in bodybags and tied to cinderblocks."
"And in her desperation she approached you, not Sawamura or any of the other teachers?"
"She's an...acquaintance, let's just say. She's had terrible experiences with Kamoshida. Doesn't trust the teachers. Though Sawamura did catch on to rumors of the yakuza's continual exploitation of students..."
"And you're taking care of it? Not him?"
She scowls. "In that respect...he's quite similar to Kobayakawa, I'd have to say."
"This isn't like Kamoshida or Kobayakawa, you realize that."
"Of course I do. If this could simply be resolved by calling the police, I'd have done it already. But the victims are being threatened not to testify, so police can't get a grasp on the situation. If I or the teachers were to report anything, it would jeopardize their lives."
"You say, as you coerce me into jeopardizing my life."
"I know that you want nothing to do with me. I know that I'm doing things I'd never do otherwise, but I'm desperate. There's no one else I can approach to ask for help, because the second I bring this up to any authorities, the yakuza will do unthinkable things to the victims and their families. You're the only one who can help me put a stop to this."
I growl at her, "If you want justice or whatever, you should've asked the other three to do this shit for you."
"Really? Honestly, Hikawa. For all your bluster about how you don't believe in right or wrong, everything you've done up to this point clearly shows that you don't even believe that."
"The fuck are you talking about?"
"You're putting on airs. Trying to drive people away from you."
"I already have a therapist, so don't go talking to me like you know me, you—"
"You're right, I don't know you. But I do know that whenever you've found someone who abuses their position of power to advance their standing, you're willing to go so far to put them down that you'd drive teachers to suicide, smash up your own hand, and risk yourself getting sent straight back to juvie in order to put a stop to them. Now you can tell me that you did all this purely for your own sake, but I don't think that's true at all."
"Do you realize how you sound right now?"
"You seem to enjoy putting down criminals who oppress and victimize innocent people, and you're willing to ensure their lives are ruined by any means necessary. But if you didn't care about their victims, like you act like you do, you would never have tried to save Shiho Suzui in the first place."
"I did that because—" the answer forms a lump in my throat and I stammer and tremble, my hands balling into fists. Gritting my teeth I choke out, "—because I couldn't..."
"Because you couldn't, what?"
"Because I couldn't just stand around and do nothing."
You know, sometimes I think Masako deserves a better mom than me.
"I, I don't," I'm hyperventilating as my left hand fucking shakes and I see her, but it's beyond anything I can stomach or accept— "You've no idea what you're asking of me."
Know that I'll always be watching over you, and despite everything that's happened, the days I was with you were some of the happiest—
"I can't. I...you don't know. You don't understand, I," I want to kill those yakuza fucks more than anything else on this earth, but, "I can't just—"
"Their main hub of activity is in Shibuya," she says, eyes stern as she gets up off her seat. "You have two weeks. Once that has passed, I'll submit everything I have to the police and the school."
"Goddamn you, what the fuck do you want from me!?"
"Whoever's running this operation needs to be stopped as soon as possible. You have to make them feel remorseful enough to confess, but only just. If you force them to kill themselves, I'll release everything."
"You don't understand what it means. It's not always in my control whether or not they live."
"Then put it under your control. Do whatever you have to—"
I slam my hand down and get outta my seat, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO!!!"
"What am I asking you to do? Something you haven't done before?" Her expression is made of steel. "Did you really think you could just get away with everything you've done?"
"No. No, I never did." I haven't gotten away from anything in the past two years.
"You began this mess. The only person you have to blame for all this is yourself."
What right do I have to talk about freedom when I'm trapped by my own stupidity and sin?
I'll kill you one of these days. Being with me will kill you.
I slump back into my seat. "Who's their boss? What's his name?"
"Nobody knows. He keeps his identity secret enough such that his cronies don't even mention him by name. They call him Sakahagi, apparently."
"I need a name to make this work. Otherwise I can't do anything."
"Really?" she queries. "Alright, then. I'll work alongside you to get his name."
I purse my lips. "Two and a half weeks."
"No, two weeks."
"Two and a half. I also need supplies."
"What kind of supplies?"
"The right kind. You don't need to worry about it."
She and I lock eyes for a moment.
"Alright, then," she smiles, turning to the door and gesturing out. "Tomorrow we'll start our investigation. I hope you don't let me down."
I'd long ago made up my mind about Makoto Niijima. She was a puppet who had internalized her own learned helplessness, to the point where she would allow others to take hold of her strings and drag her across her own life.
But I was wrong. She's something far more dangerous.
.
.
.
I hear Masako wailing. I hear Kana screaming. I hear her mother howling in madness. I hear myself, laughing, as I smash a man's face into the pavement so hard his brains come out the back of his head.
I hear it all, for the rest of the day, even when I fall back in bed and hope to God I don't wake up the next morning.
But just before I sleep I write two names in the Vortex World Navigator.
First name, nothing happens. But the second.
Sae Niijima
Candidate Found
I let myself smile just this once.
Then I bury myself in my pillow and turn to stone.
.
.
.
.
.
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NoRoleModelz Chapter Notes:
I'm of the belief that Makoto could have definitely done something, but not much in regard to Kamoshida. Especially considering her sister's a prosecutor. That said, Makoto really didn't have much evidence to support her suspicions, and she really couldn't just act too much on a suspicion in the first place.
Kazuya's an asshole, and Makoto has low self-esteem, so it's made to look pretty unfair of him to put her down a lot. Only fair she gets to wreck his shit too, lol