The moment of weakness lasted a bit longer than it's called, roughly from the 23rd second. After that, I pulled myself together. Hm, turns out I can still experience vivid emotions that overpower reason. Surprised, genuinely surprised. And then came the realization that maybe it's not all over yet and there's a chance, but the dark side of my mind just shook its head at that and said I should at least see how it all ends.
Switching to the nearest clone from the site of my shameful death. I rushed there, activating "Enhanced perception" to find her if she'd gone far from that spot, and it took only a minute to reach her—and she was already not alone. All I could do was freeze on a branch and watch this farce.
"What are you doing here?" a heavy male voice asked.
After the question, Caster collapsed to the ground, drained. The man stood there for a bit, then approached, picked her up in his arms, and walked away.
And here I am, standing and watching this. Watching and unable to figure out where I went wrong? Like, THIS is the start of one of the romantic lines in this anime?! THIS? Where are the emotions?! Where's everything?! And I can see she's conscious! And this guy isn't getting a knife in his body! I'm slowly starting to burn up inside, but I don't know what to do or how to fix it all. Just some random guy is carrying away the girl I liked on his arms somewhere, and I have to swallow it? But I can't just kill them now...
Another minute of boiling, conflicting thoughts in my head, but I can't pick anything and just watch them. At some point, I decide to split my consciousness into a conditionally good and light-believing part—yes, I have that personality side!—and an evil rational half. And a debate starts between them, because truth comes from argument, and this trick has saved me more than once.
Darkness. "And you're just gonna swallow this? She killed you!"
Light. "I don't know..."
Darkness. "Are you serious right now?"
Light. "Well, that's how it seems to me."
Darkness. "Oh, abyss. You do realize you're acting like the ultimate Japanese MC trope?"
Light. "Hey, that's a low blow! And besides, they have important plot significance."
Darkness. "No way? And what is it? Remind me? Don't answer, I'll remind you myself. Mostly, she either becomes the strongest and gets beaten by a crowd, losing, or gets killed right at the start or something. You get that she's dead meat either way?! Why are you hesitating?! Plus, she always killed the most civilians! So come on, let's save the poor souls!"
Light. "True, but... I don't want to become a villain."
Darkness. "You're serious? Have you seen what we look like right now?!"
Light. "...."
Darkness. "Okay, let's clarify one thing. Forget that the train left a long time ago, oooh so long ago, and we should've thought about it back when we killed that little birdie as kids. And after everything we've done or will do, that's out of the question!"
Light. "Well, we could stop here? It's not too late to fix everything and get a good ending!"
Darkness. "Fix what? And no, that's not rhetorical— I really don't get it."
Light. "I don't know, I thought you'd suggest something..."
Darkness. "You do realize love is a myth? We created our own ideal and believed in it, but it's not true! She is nothing special!"
Light. "Magical power."
Darkness. "Khm... I meant her inner world and personality! She's nobody! We are EVERYTHING!"
Light. "Possibly."
Darkness. "You do realize we just need to find some girl and have sex with her? We'll forget her almost immediately! Sublime feelings are nice, but flesh is stronger!"
Light. "But it wouldn't be the same."
Darkness. "Not an elf? Not a 'Heroic Spirit'? That's the issue?!"
Light. "Possibly."
Darkness. "Why me? Where did I sin?! And no, that was rhetorical! Here's the deal: let's just go kill the guy, fuck her, then kill her! All in the best traditions of the era she came from!"
Light. "But we're not barbarians."
Darkness. "...."
Light. "And still, killing the girl we liked who just turned us down—we'd fall even lower, and it'd bring us suffering and torment later, messing with our mental health and sanity."
Darkness. "You realize that's all bullshit? Only death and cruelty can be turned into power! That's how you gain authority and might!"
Light. "We'll gain authority and might?"
Darkness. "Khm, no, I got that from some propaganda. I admit I get carried away sometimes."
Light. "...."
Darkness. "Fine, suppose. Forget our experience with painful rejections, first love stupidity, and immunity to all that pink mush from way back. This now is just our 40-year-old life-beaten guy hormones under attack from this body's hormones. Got it?"
Light. "Possibly."
Darkness. "You still think we should wipe our tears and let them go? Forget feelings, remember they're our enemies—and potentially fucking strong ones! And right now, they're weak! What should any sane person do?"
Light. "Let them go?"
Darkness. "...."
Light. "...."
Darkness. "Are you mocking me? You realize our life isn't like theirs! And in the end, they all have to die!"
Light. "Possibly."
Darkness. "...."
Light. "...."
Darkness. "I thought trolling and bathherding were my dark side things."
Light. "Possibly."
Darkness. "Fine, from another angle. Want a joke?"
Light. "Yes."
Darkness. ""Gantz...
'Yes, my friend.
'Gantz, I noticed something.
'That all these communists are cowards?
'No, have you looked at our caps lately?
'Our caps?
'The badges on our caps... have you seen them?
'What? No... glanced...
'They're skulls! Didn't you notice the little skulls drawn on our caps?
'I.. no..
'Gantz, why skulls specifically?
'Well... maybe skulls of our enemies?
'Maybe... think that's how we're supposed to take it? But it doesn't say next to the skulls, 'Yes, we killed him, but trust us, the guy was a scum.'
'Well.. no. But...
'What do you think of when you see a skull? I'll tell you—death, cannibalism, execution. Um, pirates?
'Pirates are fun!
'I didn't say we're not fun! But fun or not—pirates are still villains! I just can't imagine what good a skull could mean!
'How about a purely Aryan skull shape?
'In that case, they depict the skull when it still has skin. But the coalition's...
'You listening to their propaganda again? Of course they'll say we're bad!
'But they didn't design our uniforms! Their symbols are actually nice—stars, stripes, lions, sickles...
'What's good about sickles?
'Nothing really, if I've learned one thing over thousands of miles of retreat—Russian agriculture desperately needs mechanization.
'Tell me about it.
'But agree, anything's better than a skull! I can't even imagine anything worse than a skull!
'Rat... anus?
'Yeah, and if we were fighting an army marching under a flag with a rat anus, I wouldn't worry so much about all this, Gantz!
*Germans look around and see skull mugs, skull socks, and much more.*
'Gantz, are we the villains?""
Light. "Hahaha."
Darkness. "So, shall we kill them?"
Light. "Yes!"
Darkness. "That's my boy)))"
*and quieter in a whisper—works every time.*
Mda, I'm still a highly contradictory personality capable of many different emotions. Self-praise lifted my mood a tiny bit more. Yeah, someone might call it bipolar personality disorder, but my two imaginary sides usually agree! So it's not that, and I'm perfectly healthy!
And really, I fell for an image, not the pe... khm, elf. I dreamed and prepared for this so long it clouded my mind, and now's actually the perfect moment to get rid of an enemy. And what was I counting on anyway? She saw me as an enemy right away—how could she not, I'm an Assassin. Take any crime, and my class can sign under it; no faith or allies for me, never will be. Heh, fine, time for business—ahead lies power and might. Possibly.
A slight smile creeps onto my face as I stay fully concealed, jump to the ground, and start casually catching up to them. Why did doubts even torment me about killing an anime character? Especially one who won't survive this war anyway? I pitied a corpse... Of course, now that I've hyped myself up and on the rush, I'll do it, and then... Then will be then. Don't think about it.
Hm, hm, hm, better think how to kill them? Test the Pistol? But he might react to simple shooting; heard of such reflexes—maybe bullshit. Knife in the back? Works, won't let him twitch—he's a pro killer, after all. Then shoot point-blank—if lucky, hit Caster too. Yeah, sounds good.
Catching up, I close in, emerging from Intangibility, and see the man twitch. But I'm still concealed! I lunge sharply, stabbing the knife into his back, emptying the clip. He topples forward with Caster; I toss the Pistol, slit his throat—always need the finisher; in this damned world, people live without hearts, but not without heads! Then shove him aside and meet Caster's gaze.
"You... should've accepted my offer. I am Hassan... the one. And today I will become STRONGER!" Following the emotional impulse, I land multiple strikes to her chest, shove my hand in, rip out the heart. Tear off the Respirator and devour it in a few bites—feeling it dissolve into particles in my mouth.
My head pounds. Need to escape. Yeah... recall the clone, back to the main body. Before losing consciousness, a simple thought hits me. "Heh, I'm a monster."
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan