Chapter Three – Okeanos, Sea of the Isolated Finale.
"The spirit of exploration is bursting forth!"
A bronze-bearded dwarf pushed through the dense jungle, muttering to himself. In pursuit of ancient treasures and ruins, he jumped into a plane and landed on this nameless island.
"If everything works out, the cover of 'National Geographic' will be in my pocket, consider the ale already poured!" he exclaimed.
Quickly moving his short legs, he passed through the thickets and finally stopped before the entrance to a cave where, according to his calculations, the treasure lay.
"Here! If I'm not mistaken, it's right here…"
"Hey, my good sir!"
Behind the dwarf, whose cry of delight almost made his beard fall off, a stranger's voice sounded.
"Savage? Or a ruin guardian?" the short man thought as he turned around. His gaze fell upon a man in a red suit, over which a leather jacket was thrown, and a fedora hat was placed on the red mask.
"Listen, you're in the wrong world. Azeroth is two blocks down, Mr. Dwarf."
Deadpool sized up the guest with an appraising look.
"That's what I thought, it doesn't look much like Azeroth!" he replied. "Thank you! I suppose it's time for me to go back."
The dwarf pulled a stone covered in runes from his pocket, rubbed it with his palm, and disappeared in a flash of blue smoke.
"Hey, author! Stop throwing everything into one pile. This is 'my' fanfic! All attention on me! Got it?!"
Ah, yes, of course. It's quite strange to hear this from a guy in the costume of a well-known archaeologist… but alright, I'll be more careful.
"That's good. So, where were we? Ah, yes. The Ark."
Deadpool, dressed as an antique seeker, recalled the events that happened immediately after landing on the island.
"Are you saying that the sage's treasure that Drake is looking for is the key to defeating Heracles?" Ritsuka asked.
Francis Drake nodded.
"That goddess let slip: 'If the treasure is worthy of her touch, then divine power or immortality is within reach.' Hearing this, I remembered a rumor."
"A rumor?" Mash asked.
Drake continued:
"It was back in the days when I was obsessed with treasure hunting. In Fortune, some fool was shouting at the top of his lungs that the sage's treasure was cursed."
The story she told boiled down to the following:
His captain had also gone to the ends of the earth for this treasure. On a certain island, the treasure was guarded by a sage. He warned: "Do not touch the Ark." The captain ignored the prohibition, touched it – and disappeared. One after another, people tried to claim the trophy, and all vanished without a trace. The fool fled in terror and tried to warn the others, but they took him for a madman.
"I myself thought it was nonsense, but the words of that goddess made me think."
"Can we be sure?" Emiya's voice was heard. "If it's true, we'll defeat the great hero Heracles. But if not…"
Drake slammed her hand down on the table with the maps.
"We'll find out when we check. We have no other ideas anyway. It's sink or swim!"
"...In short, I'm stuck here because of this story," Deadpool grumbled. "Although they'd better look elsewhere."
Walking through the cave, he accidentally stepped on a protruding slab. Spears immediately flew out of the walls.
"Oops."
He didn't even try to dodge, and was pierced through. Of course, thanks to his healing factor, he remained alive.
"Old-school traps," he chuckled. "Do you really think I'm scared…"
The next step activated a press mechanism: the walls instantly closed, flattening Deadpool.
"Ow… Now that hurt."
Flat as a sheet of paper, Deadpool smoothly descended to the floor, and then with a quiet "pop!" returned to his original form.
"Dear readers, do not try to repeat this at home. Life is priceless! Protect nature, damn it! Oops, I think that's from another opera."
Having bypassed the traps, he heard Ritsuka's voice in the communicator:
"Wade! We found the Ark. It's in the forest, in the very center of the island."
"Eh, too bad. I was just getting into it… I wanted to run away from a giant rolling boulder. Alright, soon…"
Deadpool casually leaned his hand against the wall and accidentally pressed a protrusion. The ground beneath his feet trembled.
"Oh, did I jinx it?"
A rolling boulder is a classic trope in stories about exploring ruins, on par with minecarts. Deciding to enjoy the adventure to the fullest, Deadpool froze, waiting for the stone.
However, the boulder fell not from the front, but directly onto his head.
"Ah, so the spawn point was here…"
A deafening roar sounded. The stone crashed down, turning Deadpool into thin pizza dough.
"Damn it…! No more Indiana Jones."
He furiously threw aside his crumpled hat.
◇
"Oh, here he is."
Finally reaching the place, Deadpool joined Ritsuka's group, who were standing before the guardian of the Ark – a green-haired shepherd.
"So this is the Ark? Wow, it looks solid." He lowered his voice:
"Now I understand why those guys with the swastika were so obsessed with it."
Before his eyes was a small chest cast from red gold. The sage's treasure, the Ark of the Covenant. A key capable of ending twelve lives of the great Heracles.
"Is it true that if you touch it, you disappear?" Mash asked.
The shepherd replied with a condescending smile:
"The word 'disappearance' isn't quite right here. It's more like complete erasure. It's a dangerous thing, capable of destroying existence itself. Fortunately, I can at least hold it by the handles."
The shepherd pointed to Euryale, standing next to Ritsuka, and added:
"But if a being of divine rank touches it… the whole world will disappear."
At these words, everyone, including Euryale, froze in shock.
"Wow, we've got a ready-made Infinity Gauntlet here…" Deadpool muttered, barely containing his surprise.
"So, what opens with a goddess's touch is not a treasure at all, but…"
"...The end of the world," the shepherd finished. "That's why I guard the Ark. And I warn everyone who wanders here. Although you are the first obedient children who heeded my words."
Drake was annoyed that it wasn't piles of gold and jewels, but stopping the pursuing "Argo" was more important now.
"We need this thing!" she declared. "Only then can we defeat the great hero Heracles in one fell swoop."
"Well, my role is to guard and warn," the shepherd replied. "I don't care who touches it, as long as it's not a divine being."
Permission granted. Now all that remained was to lure Heracles from the "Argo" and make him touch the Ark of the Covenant.
"And also, you two."
While they were planning the operation to lure Heracles, the shepherd addressed Ritsuka and Mash.
"Could we talk when everything is over? I have a matter for you."
"Yes."
"Of course," they replied.
Ritsuka felt something strangely familiar about this green-haired shepherd. As if he had seen this face somewhere before…
"Hey, kid, stop dreaming about vulgar things," Deadpool teased him. "Or your hair will grow too fast."
Coming to his senses, Ritsuka waved his hands in confusion, denying such thoughts.
"So, the plan is this," Drake summarized. "Red Pants, you go ahead and provoke Heracles. When he chases you, I and Archer will provide cover. And you and the goddess will hold off the White Witch. As soon as we separate Heracles from the others and put him in front of the Ark – it's in the bag. Any questions?"
Deadpool raised his hand.
"Yes, Red Pants."
"Can I touch some boobs?"
"As much as you want."
Drake, without batting an eye, straightened her shoulders in response to this absurd and ridiculous question. However, the chest he touched did not belong to her at all.
"Squeeze-squeeze…"
Deadpool, with an unperturbed expression, squeezed the firm chest of the Red Archer, accompanying his actions with onomatopoeia.
Somewhere in the forest, an explosion rang out. An enraged Emiya, who had already plunged an arrow-sword into Deadpool's head, drew his bowstring, aiming "Caladbolg" directly at that insolent face.
"Even if I'm destined to return to the Throne of Heroes, I'll kill you right here!"
"Wait! Emiya!"
"Calm down, Emiya-ma… I mean, Senpai!" Mash and Ritsuka struggled to restrain him.
"So what if a guy touched another guy!" Deadpool yelled. "You're a damn racist for despising other people's sexual preferences!"
"Ah, you scoundrel!"
The quarrel was in full swing when a familiar furious roar was heard from the coast.
"■■■■■■…!"
Heracles and the White Witch arrived on the "Argo."
"Everyone to your positions!" Drake commanded, and the squad immediately sprang into action.
"So they're here?" Jason looked around the island with his usual arrogance. "What a drab hole."
Hector, who had been hiding on the "Golden Hind" until then, appeared before Medea with a report.
"It seems they've docked and gone for some Ark of the Covenant. They say with its help they can take down Heracles."
"Ark of the Covenant…" Medea mused. "A treasure of sages and a cursed relic that erases the very existence of anyone who touches it."
Jason merely laughed confidently.
"Ha! And with that they hope to stop my Heracles? Even if touching it promises oblivion, he has twelve lives in reserve!"
"All twelve will disappear at once," Medea muttered softly.
Soon, Ritsuka's group appeared in their field of vision.
"They came themselves? Well, you've saved us the trouble of searching. Heracles, it's your turn! Show them your valor. Kill them all!"
"■■■■■■…!!"
Earth and sky trembled from the roar. Before Heracles, who had come ashore, Deadpool suddenly appeared.
"Hello! Long time no see. You probably don't remember me, but I remember you very well."
Heracles ignored the greeting. He gnashed his teeth, and his stone sword-axe trembled slightly from barely suppressed rage.
"Come on… Attack, trash bag! Attack, blockhead! Attack, evil snake! Attack, useless bum! Attack, you runt with the heart of Ilia…"
"■■■■■■■■■■■■…!!"
Deadpool's long tirade had an effect. Flaring up with indescribable fury, Heracles lunged at him with a thunderous roar.
"Now I'm outta here before they rip my balls off!" the mercenary yelled.
As if in a mad version of "Tom and Jerry," the two Servants disappeared into the forest thicket.
"It's a decoy," Medea cut in. "Hector, after them."
Hector, who had been watching the scene with a vacant look, nodded lazily and stepped ashore.
"We won't let you pass!" Mash, Ritsuka, and Euryale blocked his way.
"Ha! You think dividing us will change anything?" Jason smirked. "Hector, teach these upstarts a lesson. You'll chase after Heracles later."
"Then I'll help…" Medea began to descend, but Jason roughly grabbed her and pressed her against the bulkhead of the deck.
"Your task is to protect ME! Only me, understand?!"
Medea nodded submissively to Jason's fanatical cry.
"That's more like it. That's my Medea. Yes, you must protect only me."
Jason's expression became arrogant again, and he casually touched her cheek.
"Ho-ho… Take it easy with the lady," Hector said, twirling his spear with a leisurely air, assuming a combat stance. "Well, since it's turned out this way, I'll have to reciprocate."
***
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