"Hey there, kids. It's Deadpool."
Yeah, yeah… I know, you're all curious. How did the crazy movie psycho end up in a place like this? And in some "underdeveloped game" without a ceiling, where even – whisper it – [Noble Phantasm animation skip] wasn't included.
It's a long story, really.
Our Negasonic Teenage Warhead got a time-jumping gadget from cyber-Thanos, and I decided to use it to fix my crappy life. Check out the post-credits scene in the second "Deadpool," it's all there.
Saved my beloved Vanessa, saved my beloved reputation, sent that jerk who ruined my career to heaven… Although no, it's more like I pulled him out of that green hell abyss, that's more accurate.
A damn sexy Canadian, all me.
And Peter, my buddy, I brought him along too.
So, it was time to go to Vanessa's and binge-watch "Netflix" all day, so I spun my little wrist-mounted TARDIS, and then this happened…
"I come to, and I'm riding a fiery, horned unicorn from hell around the neighborhood. Purely… like Ghost Rider."
"That wasn't a unicorn," Ritsuka quietly interjected, looking at the man in the red suit.
He was passionately describing the situation to the void, calling himself "Batman."
"What?" the stranger asked.
"Not a unicorn?"
"It was a burning car."
"Yeah?" A embarrassed sigh escaped from under the red mask.
However, the awkwardness didn't last long. "Batman" immediately shook his head and indignantly shouted:
"Hey! A man is busy here, giving a monologue, and you butt in without a shred of tact! Where did you learn manners? Did Takeuchi train you? Or did Nasu put you up to it?!"
Ritsuka and Mash just blinked in astonishment, unable to understand a word of this tirade.
[Hello? Hello?! Anyone alive?! Fujimaru-kun? Ritsuka! Mash?! Are you alright?!]
The silence of the burning ruins was pierced by an emergency call from the communicator on Ritsuka's wrist. On the screen appeared Romani Archaman, the chief physician of the medical team, who was trying to restore communication in Chaldea amidst the chaos. He frantically checked the condition of the Master who had successfully performed a Leyshift.
"Doctor Roman! We're fine. Senpai is also unharmed."
[That voice… Mash?! Mash, is that you! And… the forty-eighth Master. So… Ritsuka Fujimaru? Ritsuka, is that you? Alive! Thank God…]
Since there was sheer horror all around, Romani exhaled with relief upon seeing both of them. However, his gaze immediately caught the huge shield in the girl's hands.
[Mash, did you… become a Servant? Oh god. I thought the experiment failed, your Servant was silent…]
"I thought so too. But at the very last moment… I just wanted to save Senpai… I reached out my hand… and when I woke up, I was like this."
[I don't know how it happened, but it's a great stroke of luck. Right now, the only ones who can help you are Mash and one more…]
Romani frowned, looking at the radar. Another Servant reaction was detected very close to Ritsuka and Mash. And the owner of this reaction didn't keep them waiting, looking directly into the communicator's lens.
"Hello, Doctor. By the way… which one are you?"
[Waaah!]
Romani almost fell off his chair from the unexpected appearance of the red mask, which had brazenly intruded into the frame. Judging by the signal near Ritsuka, it was clearly a Servant. But among the Heroic Spirits he knew, there was no one in a tight red leotard.
[You scared me… Who are you? A Servant? Or a local? Or maybe…]
"I am Iron Man."
[You're lying! Brazenly lying! What Iron Man?! The one I know at least doesn't wear leggings!]
"And before that, you said you were Batman…" Ritsuka chimed in.
"Shut up, male version of Rin Tohsaka!"
[Okay, fine! First of all… Mr. "Iron Man"? How long have you been here?]
Romani understood: if they continued like this, human history would collapse in record time. They needed to quickly assess the situation in Fuyuki.
"No idea. I woke up, and I was here. Skeletons everywhere, the city on fire… Hmm… Did I end up on the set of "Hellboy"?"
[One moment! There's another signal very close by! Perhaps it's a survivor of the explosion!]
Another survivor. A reaction was detected just a couple of blocks from them.
[Ritsuka, Mash! I'm sorry, but check who's there. Maybe this person can help us understand what's happening.]
"Understood, Doctor. Senpai, let's move."
The communication cut off, and Mash and Ritsuka hurried to the indicated spot. The red Servant, also known as "Iron Man," slowly followed behind.
"By the way, keep in mind. That "reroll" of yours or whatever that casino is called… forget it. Since I'm here, the 6-star Grand Deadpool, consider humanity already saved."
"Fou!"
While Deadpool was broadcasting into the void with a very pleased look, a fluffy creature appeared on his shoulder.
"Oh, what a cutie. Want to be my pet? It's decided! From now on, your name is Fluffy. Well, Fluffy, shall we catch up to these rookies?"
"Fou! Fou!"
"Good Fluffy! Here's some jerky for you!"
It seemed Fou-Fluffy had taken a liking to the mercenary. Deadpool pulled a piece of dried meat from his pocket and hurried after Ritsuka and Mash, who had run ahead.
Meanwhile, Olga-Marie Animusphere, the director of Chaldea and head of a noble family, was darting through the ruins of Fuyuki, trying to escape the skeletons wielding swords.
"What is this?! The Leyshift was successful, so why am I here alone?! Where are the other Masters? Where is Team A?!"
Her thoughts were jumbled. Forty-eight people… no, forty-seven, not counting that fool who managed to fall asleep during her opening speech. Not a single one of them was visible. And, even worse, there wasn't a single Servant they were supposed to summon. Only hellfire and a closing ring of the dead.
"Lev! If only Lev were here!"
Olga-Marie swallowed her tears. Left alone, without a Master and without a Servant, she felt cornered and completely helpless. Professor Lev Lainur – a colleague and a pillar of support she could rely on – had always been by her side. But now he was gone. He disappeared in the flames of a sudden explosion.
"No. Lev. Help me. I don't want to die."
She found herself in a dead end. Her spirit was not strong enough to passively await death. Until now, as the director of Chaldea, she had tried her best to show the decisiveness befitting her status, but this mask had never become her true nature.
"I don't want to die!"
With this desperate cry, a skeleton loomed over her, raising its bone sword.
"Director!"
The blade froze. Hearing a dull thud, Olga-Marie squeezed her eyes shut, then slowly opened them.
"Ma… Mash?!"
Mash. She was alive. And, what's more, she had managed to perform a Servant summoning that was considered a failure. To be precise, she had successfully undergone the fusion process, becoming a Demi-Servant.
"Director Olga-Marie!"
Another voice rang out. This meant the Master was also alive. Unable to hold back tears of joy, Olga-Marie rushed towards him. However, the Master was not at all what she had imagined.
"You?! The forty-eighth Master?!"
"Fujimaru Ritsuka at your service… yes!"
Olga-Marie's face contorted with despair again.
"And to think I had to meet exactly this klutz…!"
However, denying reality was a waste of time. Now they had to use any available resources.
"What are you waiting for? You're Mash's Master! Quickly deal with these creatures!"
"Ah, yes! Mash!"
Ritsuka was a little offended that the director hadn't greeted him with much enthusiasm, but the primary task was to restore order. He ordered Mash to destroy the skeletons.
"Mr. Pool, now!"
"Pool?"
While Mash, not yet accustomed to the power of a Demi-Servant, focused on defense, Olga-Marie watched in bewilderment as a red-skinned Servant in a tight suit suddenly spun in the air and landed, firing pistols left and right.
"One, two, three! Good Deadpool. Four, five, six! Bad Deadpool."
Each bullet took down a skeleton. But there were too many enemies for firearms, so he drew twin swords from his back.
"Meet my new friends. One is named Fucking, and the other is Shit. Together, they'll give you a total Fucking Shit! Yee-ha-a-a!!"
Deadpool darted among the skeletons, swinging his blades. From the outside, his movements seemed chaotic and absurd, but the precision with which he struck the enemies' weak points proved that this was by no means boasting.
The battle ended in five minutes.
"Thank you, thank you. That'll be ten dollars for the show."
"Incredible…"
Looking at Deadpool, who was bowing to an imaginary audience as if after a brilliant performance, Olga-Marie couldn't hide her astonishment.
"Hmm. I take back my words, forty-eighth. I didn't think you had the talent to summon two such strong Servants at once."
"Uh… excuse me, but Deadpool is not my Servant," Ritsuka replied, sweating from awkwardness, as the director shifted from anger to mercy.
Olga-Marie shifted her gaze to the red Servant, who was already enthusiastically collecting a dinosaur figurine from the scattered bones.
"Not yours? Then he's local? No, in the materials about Heroic Spirits that I know, there was no one in a red leotard. Was the information incomplete? Or… who are you, anyway?"
Olga-Marie's head was spinning with unanswered questions.
"I am Gru…"
"No! Deadpool! His true name is Deadpool!" Mash hastily cut in front of him, quickly introducing her ally.
The director felt a growing headache from this atmosphere, to which she couldn't get used, and tiredly rubbed her temples.
Soon, she managed to restore contact with Doctor Romani. She learned news from Chaldea, details of their Leyshift to Fuyuki, and received a brief report on Deadpool.
"I see. So, Professor Lev after all…"
[The other Masters are in critical condition! Under the current circumstances, we cannot provide them with assistance…]
"They're still breathing, so freeze them immediately! So we can begin treatment once the situation stabilizes. Quickly!"
[Yes, Director!]
Olga-Marie took a deep breath. She convinced herself that it was precisely now, as the head of the organization, that she had to remain calm. She bore the heavy burden of responsibility as the director of Chaldea's Institute for Human Survival and the head of the Animusphere family.
"Hey, I don't want to ruin the dramatic moment, but something is suspiciously glowing on that mountain," Deadpool said.
As soon as he finished speaking, a pillar of purple light shot up into the sky from the Fuyuki mountain valley. The echoes of this power were felt even here.
[A super-high concentration of magical energy has been detected in the Fuyuki mountains. Possibly…]
"That's where the cause of all this chaos is," Olga-Marie finished for him.
The target was determined. But, judging by the magical pillar, there was surely a strong Servant lurking there.
"Prepare yourselves. To get out of this predicament, I desperately need you, forty-eighth Master, Fujimaru Ritsuka."
Hearing her words, Ritsuka glanced at the Command Spells on his hand, then at his Servant – Mash, and nodded resolutely.
"Guys, did anyone forget to turn off the boiler at home?"
Deadpool shattered the atmosphere of determination in an instant. Enraged by his inappropriate chatter, Olga-Marie launched a Gandr at him, which precisely pierced his backside.
"The boiler is serious! We need to save electricity!"
"The light is ours, but the gas is foreign!!"
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan