I dragged the heavy mahogany dresser across the marble floor.
SCREEECH.
I shoved it against the guest room door. Then I added a chair. Then a heavy vase. Then a statue of a weeping angel that looked suspiciously like it was judging me.
"Fortress Hiro is complete," I panted, wiping sweat from my forehead.
I double-checked the lock. It was a magical lock, reinforced with mana. I had spent 50 of my precious Mana Points just to seal it.
[DEFENSIVE PERIMETER: ESTABLISHED][INTEGRITY: 100%]
I dove onto the bed. It was soft. Clouds-made-of-marshmallows soft. Finally. After Minotaurs, debt collectors, and holy extortion, I could close my eyes.
Click.
The sound was small. Polite, even. It came from the door handle.
I froze.
Shing.
A blade—thin as a piece of paper—slid through the crack of the door. It didn't saw the lock. It didn't smash it. It simply occupied the same space as the lock mechanism, and the universe decided the lock should politely disassemble itself to avoid an argument.
The heavy dresser I had dragged? It slid aside effortlessly, pushed by an invisible force.
The door creaked open.
"Master?" Sylvia's voice floated in. "I sensed your heart rate was elevated. Are you having a nightmare?"
I sat up, clutching the duvet to my chest. "I haven't even fallen asleep yet!"
Sylvia drifted into the room. She was wearing silk pajamas that looked more expensive than my entire bloodline. In her hand, she held a pillow.
"Security check," she said, scanning the corners of the room with glowing eyes. "Assassins could be hiding in the crown molding."
"There are no assassins, Sylvia. Just us."
"That is exactly what an assassin would want you to think." She placed her pillow next to mine. "I shall stand guard. Horizontally. Under the covers."
"Sylvia, no. The rule was—"
BOOM.
The balcony window exploded. Well, it didn't shatter. The glass simply melted into a puddle of molten silica, dripping onto the carpet.
A gust of freezing night air rushed in, followed immediately by a wave of heat.
Ignis stepped through the hole in the wall. She was shivering.
"Stupid mammalian architecture," the Dragon Empress grumbled, hugging herself. Her red hair was flickering like a dying campfire. "This dimension is freezing. My core temperature is dropping below 1,000 degrees."
She looked at me. Then she looked at the bed. Her slit pupils dilated.
"Heat source," she purred.
"Ignis, don't you dare," I warned.
"I am cold-blooded in this form, Master. If I don't absorb thermal energy, I will go into hibernation." She climbed onto the bed, crawling over Sylvia like a cat. "And if I hibernate, I might accidentally release a magma flare. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
"Get off!" Sylvia hissed, trying to shove the dragon away. "I am guarding him!"
"You're pointy," Ignis complained, shoving back. "Move over, letter opener."
"Letter opener?!"
"Stop!" I yelled. "Both of you!"
Creak.
I looked at the bathroom door. I hadn't locked that one. I didn't think I needed to. Elara stood there. She was holding a censer smoking with frankincense.
"The aura in here is chaotic," the Saintess declared, walking toward the bed with the grace of a funeral procession. "I sense lust. And anger. And... unwashed feet."
"I took a shower!" I protested.
"Spiritual feet," Elara corrected. "I must purify the sleeping quarters."
She climbed onto the foot of the bed and sat in a lotus position, effectively pinning my legs down.
"I will chant until morning," she whispered. "Ommmmm..."
I lay there. To my left, a sword spirit was sharpening her finger against the headboard. To my right, a human furnace was drooling lava onto my pillow. On my legs, a nun was exorcising my toes.
I looked at the ceiling.
"System," I whispered. "Is this hell?"
[SYSTEM REPLY: NO. THIS IS 'THE HAREM DREAM'. ENJOY.]
"I hate you."
I closed my eyes. "Okay," I announced to the room. "New rule. If anyone moves, speaks, or releases a projectile weapon, I am unequipping you. Back to the void. Understood?"
Silence.
"Goodnight."
06:00 AM.
I woke up because I couldn't breathe. It wasn't a panic attack. It was physics. Sylvia had her arm draped over my neck. Ignis was wrapped around my torso like a python. Elara had somehow migrated and was using my stomach as a meditation cushion.
My left arm was numb. My right leg was asleep. But I was alive. The manor was still standing.
[SYSTEM ALERT][QUEST COMPLETE: "DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY"][STATUS: SURVIVED.][REWARD: SLOT 4 UNLOCKED.]
I wheezed, trying to extract my arm from under Ignis. "Slot 4," I gasped. "Unlock."
Might as well get it over with.
[UNLOCKING SLOT 4...][ENTITY: ROXANNE (SHADOW ASSASSIN)][SUMMONING...]
I waited for the flash of light. I waited for the door to burst open. Nothing happened.
The room was silent, except for the soft snoring of the three calamities on top of me.
"System?" I whispered. "Did it glitch again?"
[SYSTEM: SUMMON COMPLETE.]
"Where? Is she invisible?"
I looked around the room. Empty corners. Empty closet. Then, I looked at the wall next to the bed. The morning sun was streaming in through the melted window, casting long shadows. My shadow was on the wall. But... my shadow had eyes.
Two glowing, violet eyes stared back at me from the darkness of my own silhouette.
"Good morning, Master," a voice whispered. It didn't come from the room. It came from inside my ear.
I screamed. Or I tried to. Ignis tightened her grip in her sleep, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
The shadow on the wall peeled itself away. It poured onto the floor like black ink, pooling and rising until it formed a shape. A girl clad in tight black leather, with a veil over her mouth and daggers strapped to her thighs. Her hood was pulled up, hiding everything but those violet eyes.
Slot 4: Roxanne.
She knelt by the bed. "I have been watching you," she whispered.
"Since... since I summoned you?" I squeaked.
"No," she shook her head. "Since you got the key. I was in the shadow of the dumpster in the alley. I was in the shadow of the pizza box. I was in the shadow of... her." She pointed a gloved finger at Sylvia.
Sylvia's eyes snapped open. She woke up instantly, sensing the threat. "Who is there?" Sylvia demanded, summoning her blade.
Roxanne faded back into the floorboards, reappearing instantly on the other side of the room, leaning against the dresser.
"Your guard is sloppy, Sword Woman," Roxanne teased. "I could have cut his throat three times while you were drooling."
"You...!" Sylvia's hair began to float. The room temperature dropped.
"Stop!" I yelled, finally managing to free my arm. "Roxanne! No threatening the roommates! Sylvia! No killing the new girl!"
Roxanne chuckled. It was a dark, husky sound. "I like him," she said, looking me up and down. "He has good instincts. And he smells like... anxiety."
"That's my cologne," I muttered. "Eau de Panic."
I looked at the four of them. A Knight, a Dragon, a Saint, and an Assassin. And me. An F-Rank Porter with a credit card and a headache.
My phone buzzed on the nightstand. A notification from the Hunter's Guild app.
[EMERGENCY QUEST: S-RANK DUNGEON BREAK DETECTED IN SHINJUKU.][ALL AVAILABLE HUNTERS REQUESTED.][REWARD: 10,000,000 GOLD.]
Ten. Million.
I looked at my account balance. 15 Gold. I looked at the four SSS-Rank monsters destroying my bedroom.
A slow, crazy grin spread across my face.
"Ladies," I said, standing up on the bed (and accidentally stepping on Ignis). "Pack your bags."
Ignis yawned, opening one eye. "Why? Are we going on a picnic?"
"No," I pointed at the window, towards the pillar of black smoke rising in the distance.
"We're going to work."