Itachi remained outwardly cold and calm. The target had finally shown up, walking right into their hands. Just stall until the rest of Akatsuki arrived. Then they could complete the main mission: elimination.
But all his instincts screamed at Uchiha to run. It wouldn't work out. The mission was doomed from the start. He'd just seen the Green Beast under Seventh Gates sent flying with one lazy slap. Itachi noted with Sharingan that Gai was alive, though unconscious. One hit, and an elite S-rank jonin under the most powerful kinjutsu was effortlessly downed. The client hadn't lied about this Saitama's abilities. They were facing a Kage-level shinobi, maybe higher.
For several seconds, Uchiha tried trapping the "target" in genjutsu. No luck. None of Sharingan's demonic illusions worked. The bald guy seemed oblivious to his manipulations. All attempts blocked.
"What's with your eyes?" Saitama asked, raising a brow. "Tired? You look kinda sickly. Probably sit at the computer too much and don't get out enough."
"Saitama! Get away from him!" a shout rang out.
The bald guy turned and stepped aside.
"Anko, you're late again," Saitama said. "I already finished. Just saved one of ours," he waved at Itachi.
Uchiha gave a indifferent glance to the new player—a young woman in a cloak with purple hair. Kunai in hand. Her whole demeanor screamed tension. Like a coiled spring ready to strike.
"Mitarashi Anko," Itachi nodded. "What a surprise. We didn't expect our target to be accompanied by the Snake Sannin's student."
"Saitama, get away from him now," Mitarashi's eyes widened in horror. "He's the enemy!"
"What? Enemy?" the bald guy didn't get it, looking back at Uchiha. "But he's got a Konoha forehead protector?"
"Scratched out!" Anko cried. "He's a rogue ninja. Itachi Uchiha..."
"Hm... scratched out, huh?" Saitama mused, eyeing the brunette's hitai-ate closely. "Hm, I thought it was just cracked."
"..."
"..."
"In any case," Uchiha began after the pause. "Anko-sem pai, if you just leave, you can survive. We only need the bald one..."
"Heh-heh, new players on the scene?" Kisame grinned, approaching Uchiha. "Where'd the beast go?.."
Saitama squinted at the big guy with grayish-blue skin emerging from the trees. Then rolled his eyes, like trying to remember something.
"Where's Gai?" Mitarashi frowned. "What'd you do to him?"
Uchiha's lip twitched slightly, and pointing at Saitama, he said:
"Nothing. Your companion knocked him out."
"Huh??" Anko stared at the pensive Saitama in confusion. "Saitama, did you attack Might Gai?"
The bald guy didn't answer. Fixing a stern gaze on Kisame, he said:
"I feel like we've met before."
"You total idiot?" Kisame's eye twitched. "You attacked your own, and now you can't even remember me? Even though you saw me minutes ago! Guess your brain's as smooth as your bald head..."
"Yeah, I'm bald! Problem?!" Saitama yelled.
A powerful killing intent descended on those present. Comparable to a tailed beast's, maybe stronger. Itachi and Kisame's breath caught; Mitarashi trembled. But seconds later, it vanished, and Saitama reined himself in.
"Yeah, I'm bald," the guy nodded. "And you," he jabbed a finger at the swordsman. "Graybluefac pale dude. Got it?"
Hoshigaki bared his teeth viciously, gripping his sword comfortably and assuming a fighting stance:
"Itachi, can I kill him myself?"
Uchiha placed a hand on his partner's shoulder and shook his head. Then signaled to stall. Kisame nodded subtly. Backup was almost there. Two against this bald guy would be tough. Genjutsu immunity, super strength, super speed. Worst, Uchiha couldn't sense or see his chakra at all. If Saitama snuck behind and wanted to knock him out, no Sharingan would save the brunette. Unless preemptive Susanoo armor. But that was overkill.
Meanwhile, Hoshigaki trembled slightly from irritation. He barely held back from attacking their target. The bald guy got under his skin with everything: looks, behavior, voice, manner...
"Don't get so worked up," Saitama waved. "Ever tried tanning? Girls love a tan. Or hit a solarium."
Kisame gripped Samehada tighter. But Itachi shot a warning glance at his partner. Clearly, the Baldy was deliberately provoking Kisame. The latter was sensitive about his skin color and lack of appeal to girls, and Saitama hit it spot-on. Plus, he'd pretended not to remember Hoshigaki, though Itachi had seen via crow how the bald shinobi dispersed two of the swordsman's clones minutes ago.
"This Saitama... pretty cunning," flashed through Itachi's mind. "But why isn't he attacking now?"
"Saitama, why'd you attack Gai?" Anko yelled, spotting the body in the green jumpsuit afar. Seconds later, she was beside the Konoha jonin, checking his pulse. Assessing Might's state, she concluded he was stable, though unconscious, but needed aid soon to avoid complications.
"Well," Saitama hesitated. "They were fighting, and the green guy's lookin' wild. So I broke it up that way. How was I supposed to know what Gai looks like? You didn't show me a pic!" the guy protested.
"Fighting?" Kisame drawled. "You call an S-rank shinobi deathmatch a fight?.."
Uchiha exhaled in relief. He sensed two chakra sources behind him. Backup had arrived. He and Kisame had stalled well with this weird bald guy. Now, immobilize the target and let Hidan wound the opponent for the ritual.
"O-ho-ho, Itachi! Can't handle some bald fuck?" a smug voice came from behind Itachi. "I'll sacrifice him to Jashin-sama right now."
"Hidan, stand down!" Uchiha ordered. But the priest ignored him. Blink—and Hidan appeared beside the bald guy, roaring "Fuck you, baldy!" and swinging his scythe.
The next moment, Itachi's Sharingan captured an unbelievable scene. Three crimson blades hurtling at Saitama's neck. The guy doesn't react. But as the scythe nears inches from his body, the bald head blurs, and the crimson blades shatter into fragments.
"He broke artifact weapon blades with his teeth? At that speed... Possible?" raced through Itachi's mind.
Hidan stared in shock at the handle left in his hands.
"What the fuck?!" he roared. "What the h..."
What the Jashin priest wanted to say next was mere speculation, cut off by Saitama's kick. The mercenary's body slammed into a tree and slid down like a ragdoll. Killing him was impossible, but knocking out? Sure, though briefly.
"And who's this thug?" Saitama scratched his bald head.
"So that's our moneybag," Kakuzu rasped, stepping from behind Uchiha.
"Moneybag?" the bald guy didn't get it. "Where?"
"You're not in a hurry," Itachi drawled displeased, seriously watching their target. Right now, the guy was looking around for the bag Kakuzu mentioned.
As the Akatsuki quartet... well, trio now assembled, the mercenaries spread out, encircling their prey.
"Hm... so they lied about the bag," Saitama struck a thoughtful pose, eyeing the mercenaries.
Anko wanted to slap her face again, but in this serious situation, it was dumb. So, the logical question: what now? Three S-rank shinobi against them. And not weak ones. Uchiha supposedly wiped his whole clan solo. The fish-man was recognizable as the Swordsman of the Mist with his infamous sword.
Plus, what about Gai? Why did the mercenaries want Saitama specifically? And what should she do? Anko was mission commander. Saitama should obey her, but from the start, the bald shinobi turned it into a circus, not taking enemies seriously.
"Though..." she pondered, eyeing the knocked-out gray-haired guy who'd been shocked when Saitama broke his weapon. That shinobi downed by one casual kick.
Yes. Underestimation had let the bald guy take one out easily. Judging by looks and first impressions. But now they knew better—no repeat mistakes. Still, Mitarashi had to admit Saitama's level was sky-high for her. One spar with the bald guy showed: different weight classes. The kunoichi knew she couldn't help him now.
"Anko," Saitama turned to the kunoichi. "Grab Gai and get as far as possible."
"But..." Mitarashi started.
"Trust me," unlike his earlier antics, he was dead serious now. Even the dumb expression vanished.
"Finally dropped that stupid mask," Anko thought.
"Well, looks like no choice. Retreat with Might and trust Saitama..."
The bald guy continued, scanning the enemy shinobi:
"These guys wanna play Sonics. Could be dangerous for you and greenie. So go."
She never figured out who "Sonics" were but ignored the triviality. Nodding firmly, she hoisted the unconscious Gai over her shoulder and retreated via upper paths.
"We lettin' 'em go?" Kisame asked.
Uchiha nodded at his partner's question:
"Our target's right here."
"What about the jonin bounty? Why not finish him?" Kakuzu grumbled, eyeing the relaxed bald guy watching the mercenaries with detached interest.
"Less talk," Itachi said coldly. "Kisame, your move. Set the battlefield."
Hoshigaki bared his triangular teeth in a predatory grin. He tossed his sword up, formed a seal, and announced the jutsu:
"Suiton: Explosive Wave!"
A massive torrent of water jutsu blasted from the swordsman's mouth; Kisame seemed an endless water source. No skimping on chakra—he caught his sword and perched atop the artificial "waterfall." The element soon flooded kilometers around, submerging surrounding trees halfway up.
Kakuzu and Uchiha first leaped to trunks, then settled on the new lake's surface.
"Where'd he go?" Kisame shouted, scanning the vast lake. "What the hell? Why can't I sense his chakra?"
"He's underwater," Uchiha replied grimly.
Hoshigaki laughed:
"Idiot! Underwater, he's easy prey..."
"Don't get cocky or toy with him," Itachi said. "Remember what happened to Hidan."
"Psh, c'mon," Kisame said, creating four water clones. "We got combo-zombie; can't kill us. Psycho'll wake soon, and we'll tie up this bald guy."
The swordsman's clones submerged. Seconds later, Kisame winced:
"They're... dispersed..."
Suddenly, a bald head surfaced. The mercenaries tensed. They expected Saitama to stand on water and charge, but he just... slowly swam. First breaststroke. Then floated starfish on his back, muttering about waterparks and great vacations. His face pure bliss.
"What the hell's he doing?!" Kakuzu snapped. "This Saitama's mocking us?"
"He's not mocking," Itachi noted seriously. "He's lulling our vigilance. Stay alert..."
A minute later, the usual swearing Hidan joined the main Akatsuki group. His scythe useless now, the priest drew a spike for ritual self-wounding.
With Hidan back, Kakuzu acted:
"I'll start. Cover me if needed."
The treasurer shed his red-clouded cloak, tossing it aside. Leaning slightly, he used "Jiongu." Stitches on his body split, and four black-tentacle monsters burst from his back. Each with a mask. Two charged forward; Kakuzu began seals.
"On my mark, everyone jumps up," Kakuzu said.
"Fuck. Who died and made you boss?"
"Hidan doesn't need to jump," the treasurer snapped irritably.
Next instant, a massive water pillar crashed on Saitama. Then the second monster unleashed "Raiton: Gian." On cue, all mercenaries (except Hidan) pushed off the lake and leaped skyward. The water surface crackled with countless blue-violet lightning bolts.
When the jutsu ended, Akatsuki landed back on the water and heard Hidan furiously cursing his teammates with choice epithets—the mildest "fuckin' herring," "old cunt," and "red-eyed bastard." The dark god's priest especially railed at his partner for not warning about Raiton on water...
Suddenly, their target's bald head resurfaced.
"You're fucking kidding me, right?" Hidan exclaimed, eyeing Saitama's impassive face. It seemed the bald guy hadn't taken even the slightest damage.
Saitama surfaced from the water. Spitting out a thin fountain from his mouth, he began pondering what to do next.
These guys in cloaks had decided to give him some water attractions. But if bystanders were around, they'd be in serious trouble. If the mercenaries went all out, they might hit residential areas in the Land of Waves. These ninja techniques would be extremely dangerous for ordinary people.
And Saitama was getting annoyed that he couldn't stand on the water's surface. That wasn't cool at all. His opponents were looking at him strangely. Plus, monsters had popped out. Two were heading straight for him now.
Black tendrils shot toward the bald guy. It wasn't clear what these tendrils wanted to do to him, but it was probably nothing good. He'd read some erotic manga that started just like this once.
Gulping noisily, he decided to attack first, right from the water.
*Boom*
*Boom*
The two black-thread creatures were obliterated by two punches from Saitama. And one of the mercenaries dropped to his knees, clutching his chest...
"Kakuzu!" the gray-haired guy shouted.
The masked man raised his hand:
"I'm fine. But two of my hearts are destroyed. Now Raiton and complex Suiton techniques are beyond me."
"Alright, take a break, Kakuzu," the man with triangular teeth grinned. "We need to take this bald bastard from a distance."
"Stay vigilant, Kisame," the red-eyed guy said coldly.
"I'm always vigilant, Itachi. Suiton: Thousand Man-Eating Sharks," Kisame said. After forming the seal, he pressed both hands to the water. Streams of chakra flowed from each finger, forming into countless translucent creatures resembling large sharks.
Obeying Kisame's will, they surged toward the bald guy, who was still keeping himself afloat on the water.
"Damn," Saitama muttered. "These little fishies might rip my clothes. And I don't have a spare."
He started thinking intently. A memory from a manga he'd read as a teen suddenly surfaced in his bald head. That manga was about a guy struck by lightning who gained super speed and became a superhero. Saitama recalled how in one chapter the guy ran across water...
"Hm... maybe I should try running on water too?"
Meanwhile, the sharks formed a massive wave hurtling uncontrollably toward Saitama.
"Heh-heh-heh, looks like the bald guy's shit himself," Kisame drawled, holding the concentration seal.
"Kakuzu," Itachi began, ignoring his partner's assumption. "As soon as the wave covers the target, hit the area with everything we've got."
"I'm five times your age, boy," Kakuzu rasped, summoning the thread creature's heart back into his body. Then another creature emerged from his torso. "So don't teach me how to fight."
All four Akatsuki and the thread monsters positioned themselves atop trees, away from the future epicenter of the techniques. Hidan, surprisingly, stayed silent and off to the side. The priest was useless for now. So only Kakuzu, Kisame, and Itachi would attack. Once the target weakened, Kisame would dispel the surrounding lake to let Hidan perform his ritual.
As the shark wave reached its target, something strange happened. This Saitama suddenly burst from the water and ran across it. And his speed was unbelievable. Only the trail of water spray trailing behind him like a long white tail allowed tracking his movement—and even that with difficulty.
The chakra creatures swarmed after him, but they had no chance of catching the bald guy.
"Damn it," Hoshigaki grimaced. "He took off. He's too fast..."
Before Kisame could finish, Saitama spun around and leaped into the air, hovering right over the center of the shark swarm.
"Two-Handed Series of Normal Punches."
All the chakra creatures, along with hundreds of tons of water, were simply vaporized, and Kisame's face contorted in a spasm—his eye twitched noticeably.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Hidan didn't get it. "What the hell was that just now?"
No one in the group paid the slightest attention to Hidan's outburst. A massive crater formed in the lake instantly, quickly filling with surrounding water.
Remembering what the Uchiha said, Kisame made the first move and started bombarding their target with shark bombs. Kakuzu and Itachi began forming seals, preparing a devastating combined jutsu strike.
"Futon: Pressure Damage. Katon: Zukokku." Two powerful jutsu erupted from the thread creatures' masks.
"Katon: Fire Dragon." The Uchiha kept up, unleashing his destructive technique.
The all-consuming flame wave creeping over the lake intensified from the wind technique, forming a fiery tornado courtesy of the Akatsuki treasurer. Itachi's fire dragon descended from above, fueling the inferno from the elements' union.
A monstrous explosion rang out. The Akatsuki had to retreat to avoid the techniques' rampage. Most of the artificial lake evaporated. Nothing remained of the tree trunks within a couple kilometers—not even ash. The firestorm raged for a bit until a voice sounded:
"Serious Exhalation."
All the fire was extinguished in an instant. Snuffed out like a candle. Tree roots were scattered by the monstrous wind gust along with chunks of earth. Luckily, the technique was unleashed off to the side. If it had hit the mercenaries, they'd have been blown away—at best. At worst, badly injured and unable to continue fighting.
The bald guy slowly approached them.
"Guys, you're getting too rowdy. There are peaceful civilians living nearby. Good thing there were fewer than ten and I managed to evacuate them. Anyway—be more careful."
Saitama was displeased. He stood with arms crossed over his chest. These cloaked guys with red clouds were definitely crossing the line. They needed reining in. But like in his old world, villains and monsters only understood the language of force.
The people before Saitama didn't look like monsters. Though a couple of weird masked creatures stood nearby. Deciding to deal with them right away, the bald guy suddenly slapped them, and they splattered into black goo.
The man called Kakuzu dropped to his knees again, clutching his chest.
"Hey, man," Saitama said concernedly. "You got heart problems or something? Maybe you should go to the hospital?"
"Retreat," the red-eyed guy barked.
But the gray-haired one ignored him again.
"Fucking bald atheist! You destroyed Kakuzu's hearts. In my god's name, I'll sacrifice you!"
As he tried to stab Saitama with his pike, he took an uppercut from the bald guy and flew off into the distance.
Saitama yawned and muttered displeased:
"Damn cultists."
Suddenly Kakuzu formed a seal:
"Doton: Stone Trap!"
Brown mass covered the bald guy up to his waist, hardening into stone moments later.
Kakuzu and Itachi leaped back. And behind Saitama appeared the swordsman, slamming his spiked weapon onto the bald guy's back.
"Wha—?!" Kisame's eyes widened.
Samehada's strike hit home, but there was no reaction from the sword. When the Swordsman of the Mist saw no scratch on the bald guy's body, he... was somewhat shocked. But composing himself, Kisame brought the sword down on Saitama again and again. After a dozen futile strikes, he retreated.
Meanwhile, Kakuzu fired stone bullets, but they just bounced harmlessly off the bald guy's head. Saitama caught one with his teeth and spat it back at the treasurer...
Itachi, watching the fight, realized their opponent was toying with them. Samehada couldn't absorb Saitama's chakra because he had none. At first the Uchiha thought the chakra was just well-hidden, but now the brunet understood: the bald monster didn't use it at all. He even ran on water purely with physical prowess. That's why genjutsu didn't work on Saitama, why Kisame's sword couldn't weaken him. Though the weapon hadn't damaged their target at all—except tearing his shirt.
"Guess I'll have to use Mangekyo..."
Saitama, apparently tired of standing like a statue, easily broke free of the stone trap and, instantly appearing beside Kakuzu, sent him flying after Hidan.
"Damn monster!" Kisame growled, slamming Samehada onto Saitama's head.
One of the Seven Great Swords was stopped by a palm. Kisame tried to yank the weapon free, but it was stuck like in rock.
Saitama scratched his bald head in confusion, curiously inspecting the sword.
"What the hell is this hedgehog on a stick?" he asked.
"Don't you dare insult that sword. It's Samehada, one of the legendary..."
"Kisame, retreat. Now," the Uchiha said coldly.
Saitama's fist met Hoshigaki's face, but it splashed into water spray—a clone.
Kisame emerged from a nearby puddle near the Uchiha:
"Itachi, I have to get Samehada back. She stayed with that guy."
"Find the others and retreat. I'll hold him," the Uchiha said detachedly. His eyes gleamed with the Mangekyo Sharingan pattern. "And retrieve your weapon."
Kisame nodded and vanished in shunshin. Itachi stared at his opponent. Before using his trump cards, he decided to clarify:
"There's no way you accidentally took out the Green Beast. That was your plan, right? You deliberately knocked him out so he wouldn't get hurt in the fight with us?"
The bald guy ignored the Uchiha's words. He might not have even heard them. Saitama curiously examined one of the Great Swords. He ran his hand over it, tested it with his teeth, then pondered, scratching his chin with his free hand.
Suddenly, it hit the bald guy. His eyes lit up with realization, and his face split into a wide grin.
"I get it now! What this is!" Saitama straightened proudly and pointed at Samehada. "This is..."
The bald guy gripped the Great Sword more comfortably, slung it over his back, and started rubbing it back and forth.
"This is a back scratcher!"
...
The Uchiha kept a stony expression. But the brunet was sure if Kisame were here, he'd spit blood at Saitama's declaration.
"Enough of this farce," Itachi said. He frowned.
The Uchiha had been saving those techniques for his brother, but if used sparingly, he shouldn't lose his sight. Tsukuyomi had already been used today anyway, and it might not even work on the bald guy. So only...
"Amaterasu!"
Itachi's gaze lingered for some reason on the top of their target's head—more precisely, where most people had hair.
Saitama's crown burst into black flame. Itachi figured that much fire would suffice to dispose of their target, but...
The bald guy didn't react to his jutsu at all.
The Uchiha blinked. Then again. Then once more. But the sight didn't vanish. And since illusions didn't affect Itachi anyway, he reluctantly accepted it as reality.
Here's what it looked like: the bald guy blissfully scratching his back with Samehada, while Amaterasu flame burned on his bald scalp—the fire that should consume everything it touched.
But apparently, Saitama felt no discomfort from it.
Itachi cleared his throat. The bald guy finally noticed the brunet.
"Hey, kid," Saitama said, stopping the back scratch. "You've got blood coming from your eye. You know that?"
Suddenly the "hedgehog on a stick" in the bald guy's hand screeched, writhing. It was burning with black fire. Saitama scratched his cheek and tossed the weird back scratcher aside. The guy stared uncomprehendingly at the red-eyed brunet.
"Ahem, don't you feel anything?" Itachi asked.
"Should I?"
Saitama looked around. He sensed something was off, but couldn't pinpoint what.
Soon he looked down. There he spotted a small puddle left from Kisame's jutsu.
Saitama saw his reflection in the puddle and froze. His eyes nearly bulged from their sockets in shock. On wobbly legs, he squatted for a closer look at the murky water reflection. His lips trembled, moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes.
"H-hair. My precious..."
Saitama ran his hand over his scalp hoping to feel silky locks, but felt nothing substantial...
"Uh..." He noticed something black covering his hand. "My hair's even on my palm? Hm..."
Saitama suddenly realized he'd been tricked. Looking closer, he saw it wasn't hair but some weird black flame. The hero clapped his hands—and the flame on his palm went out. Then he slapped his crown—and the strange fire extinguished on his scalp.
Damn shinobi. They'd given him hope, made him think his dream came true, but it was a cruel deception, an illusion. The bald guy slowly stood. Shadows fell under his eyes, head bowed.
"Your doing?" Saitama asked quietly.
Itachi nodded on reflex. Though later he realized that was a mistake.
An incredible killing intent crashed onto the Uchiha. He'd never felt such bloodlust. His legs buckled; he dropped to his knees. His body shook. Itachi tried clenching his teeth, mustering willpower to stand. But fear paralyzed him. No emotion showed on his face, but inside everything clenched. It felt like he'd be killed, crushed like an insect, a bug. His meeting with his brother wouldn't happen. Konoha would lose its Akatsuki agent. Everything would be lost.
Suddenly the killing intent vanished, and the surroundings echoed with a strange howling sound.
All the air seemed to deflate from the bald guy. He clutched his stomach and groaned:
"Man, I'm starving..."
Itachi was stunned. In disbelief, he stared at Saitama, who wobbled toward him.
The bald guy casually grabbed the Uchiha by the scruff, setting him on his feet, then looked at him seriously:
"Kid, we've played enough. Killing you for that stupid prank would be too easy... But I have my principles. So I'll forgive you if you buy me some food..."
Saitama patted the brunet's shoulder encouragingly and strode toward the nearest settlement.
"H-huh?" Itachi echoed, watching the bald guy go.
"Don't just stand there," Saitama called back. "Time to eat. You can tell me why the hell you needed me. And what the fuck that fish-face was doing attacking kids..."
And the bald shinobi sauntered ahead. Realizing, Itachi canceled his Sharingan, picked up what remained of Samehada, and followed Saitama. No thoughts of attacking crossed his mind.
"Kill him? Hilarious. He's a god in human form. And you don't piss off gods..."
Recalling the entire fight, the Uchiha's lips curved into something like a smile. Or rather, a nervous one. He realized he hadn't smiled in a long time. Yes. A very long time...
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: patreon.com/Granulan