The lights were off and the twins finally fell asleep and the older ones were upstairs in bed as well. My wife laid silently on the bed scrolling through her phone as I sat at my desk playing Wonder Rivals before bed.
A night I thought would be like any other, a couple games before cuddling the missus and recovering from my surgery. Yet this time, the woman I've loved deeply for eleven years sat at the edge of the bed.
"Hey, we need to talk." She said in a low voice.
With the tilt of my head, I remove my headphones quickly despite being in the middle of a teamfight.
'Eh? Is something wrong?', I turned my head away from the monitor and peered into the darkness at her slumped yet resolute visage.
Millions of thoughts race through my head within seconds yet my mouth moves on it's own and speaks before I could form a coherent thought.
"What's wrong honey? Are you breaking up with me or something?", I say in a half joking manner.
Unexpectedly her replies comes, "Yeah..."
'Eh...? EHHHH!?? We have five kids though. I know I've been in a slump since I lost my job but what? A divorce?'
My thoughts are racing again and I struggle to find words to say. I let my body move by itself as every cell in my body panics and I try to comprehend what exactly is happening. My head turns to my monitor and my hands move like they always do.
"Let me finish this. We can have a serious conversation afterwards.", I say in order to buy time to figure out what to do next.
She patiently sits there and I can feel her stare upon me. I know it's wrong to continue playing but my thoughts were racing for a resolution to fix this disaster. I eventually ended up winning the match but I knew I was stepping onto a real battlefield.
I took off my headphones and with a swivel of my chair I faced her. This time I stared deeply into her eyes while taking in every tiny detail of her face. From the way her long blackish brown hair slightly covered her face and the expression told me she was done. This was it.
She never did this before in all the eleven years of being together. In fact, she rarely told me what was wrong. It was something we fought about constantly. How she would never tell me what was bothering her. How she would say she was fine and get annoyed if I tried asking too much. We'd fight and go to bed as if nothing ever happened. So the moment I saw I looked in her eyes, I knew she was finally being open with me. Despite the sinking feelings in my guts, I was happy she was finally willing to speak up with me. It was a rare chance to hear her true thoughts.
"Okay...you want to break up? Tell me what's wrong?" I barely manage to say as my heartbeat thumps louder and louder.
"I love you, I do... but I love you as the father of our children. I don't love you like I used to." She says calmly.
Pain. The gut feeling has sunken to such a degree it becomes hard to breathe. My chest tightens and my mind races. For the first time in a long time the thoughts that seemed like a never ending raging rapid stills.
I open my mouth but a pause happens and my mouth moves again by sheer instincts, "Okay, can you tell me why?"
"I've tried for eleven years but I'm tired. I've taken care of the kids, you, your mother. I can't do this anymore.", She blurts out.
'My mother....of course. Her recent erratic behaviors have gotten far worse since we moved. To the point she was hurting herself physically and picking fights whenever possible. I've never gotten along with her but in a sense of duty to care for her as her son she's been stuck with us since the beginning of our marriage. I loved my mother but we were like cats and dogs that couldn't even be in the same room.'
Another thought races side by side, 'You haven't been doing well at all either, man. Ever since your brother betrayed you and got you arrested which made you lose your job you've been struggling with depression.'
The headphones continuously echoes out with the sound of victory on Wonder Rivals.
'You've slacked off and left everything to her again, idiot. Of course she wants to leave you. You're pathetic and worthless. She's going to leave you just like everyone else in your life has.'
I stand up and walk towards her before getting on one knee and place my hand on hers but she pulls away. It's only been seconds since she last spoke.
"I'm sorry, honey." I slowly say.
It was my fault. All of it. Memories were flashing before my eyes of all the wrong I've done to her. The horrible things I've said in jealousy and anger. How I moved our entire family across the country to try to build a better future and mend my broken relationship with my brother. How I failed and had to come running back to her family for help. All of this and more.
'You have to change, you can't be like this anymore.', my inner thought loudly yet calmly says.
"Ever since our last fight before we moved back to my mom's I've been thinking about this...." She says softly with her eyes tinged with tears.
'She's been thinking about leaving me for six months? Dammit! Were there any signs? No...? Yes? Fuck. Where did all of this go wrong?'
"You've been thinking about this for six months?" I ask dumbstruck, "Why are you doing this just now then?"
"I was giving you a chance and I can't do it anymore..."