"Hey there. I'm Touma Parker. Yeah, a transmigrator who is currently 100% done with responsibilities.
Right now, I'm perched on one of the tallest skyscrapers in New York. My suit is half-shredded—ironically, it's that pathetic suit Norman Osborn wore when he tried (and failed miserably) to be a 'web-head' in the recent comics.
I'm in a state of self-destruction. See, I've been through the ringer with the typical Spider-Man romances. Black Cat (Felicia)? She was in love with the Spider, not Touma—who, by the way, goes by Peter here. Captain Marvel? I helped her kick the booze and the smokes, only for her to get jealous of my powers. Please... as if she has any idea what I go through. Kitty Pryde? She couldn't handle the damn pressure.
And then there was Gwenpool. That was... a weird one. She showed up trying to recreate her comic stunts, but it didn't fly here. We fought, but all those years of pirating One Piece back in my home world paid off! Shout out to Nii-san Katakuri for the training. It was special for a while, but she felt 'trapped' by the narrative and left. Didn't even let me say goodbye to Jeff. Then there's Mary Jane and her 'classic' husband... yeah, we know how that goes, and For some reason that I don't know how, I repeat, I DON'T KNOW HOW, I had an affair with the symbiote Toxin, don't ask me, ask Ben Tennyson's grandfather Max, he was responsible for this hehe~.
At least I had my 'Aoi Todo,' Wade Wilson. Sure, we've stabbed each other a few times, but we're two idiots in a pod. But Natasha? That one hurt the most. Imagine finding real love only to be tossed out like trash. I moved on, but honestly? Only one woman could ever leave me... how do I put this? Fully loaded. Spider-jokes, haha.
Anyway, I was on patrol when I found the Fantastic Four fighting Sorcerer Supreme Doom. I jumped in, pulling a Batman Beyond move like in the Joker movie, but Doom warped me back to the Stone Age. For most Spideers, that's a nightmare. For me? Opportunity. I knew the heavy hitters were coming eventually, so why not train in the most brutal era of the world?
I spent about two years there. I even found a local... you know Pickle from Baki? Imagine that, but with a massive chest and skin so tough it looked ready to trigger a dinosaur extinction. I called her Pickle because, well, why not? We fought, then we bonded, and things happened. But God, I hate the FF.
When they finally showed up to 'rescue' me, I asked to bring my girlfriend along. Reed Richards—the 'Smartest Man Alive'—started rambling about the space-time continuum. I just told him to shove it up his ass.
That idiot and his family—whom I once had a crush on Susan, but I was too shy and got treated with disgust—constantly mess with time. They traveled back just to get Ben's powers back, but when I want something? Suddenly it's a 'risk.'
Now, I'm running from S.H.I.E.L.D. because Maria Hill thinks I'm a 'threat to society.' Bitch, kiss my arachnid ass. I've literally thrown myself in front of a train to save people.
Well, that's my story. It was fun while it lasted. Goodbye, New York! Good luck without your Friendly Neighborhood Spider.
P.S.: Wade, don't try to revive me. I've already 'slept' with Death to ensure this favor. There's a stack of emergency cash and a spare suit under my bed for you."
The Narrator's POV
As our protagonist finishes his suicide note while clinging to the ledge, he tucks the paper into a tear in his damaged suit. He takes a calm breath, releases his wall-crawling grip, and enters a free fall.
"I'm coming to see you, Aunt May... Uncle Ben..." he whispers, embracing the dark.
The sound of impact echoes. Everything goes black. Then, his eyes snap open. He sees his own body in the third person. He looks different now: pink hair with purple streaks, piercing red eyes, wearing a leather jacket over a black turtleneck.
"You know, Death... I appreciate our 'intimate' moments, but seriously, just let me cross over this time," Touma says, reaching for a cigarette. He searches his pockets for a lighter but finds nothing.
"But I am not Death. I am the one and only—"
"Mxyzptlk? Aren't you from DC?" Touma asks, dropping his cigarette in shock.
"Well, that saves me the introduction! I'm from the building next door, if you catch my drift. And I want you, my boy, to come over to my side!" the 5th-dimensional imp chirps.
"Neither dead nor alive am I going there," Touma says flatly.
"But why?"
Touma points to his corpse as a crowd begins to gather, ignoring the two spirits. "I'm done with the hero life. Do you know what it's like to do everything and be treated like garbage? I made a difference, sure, but I've had a Hitler-prototype (JJJ) slandering me daily, a villain hitting on my Aunt, another stealing my body, and on top of it all... I'm a cuckold. I'm out."
"Fair enough," Mxy muses. "But what if we make a deal?"
Touma narrows his eyes. "What kind of deal?"
"The person you love most will eventually be brought to you, at my whim. But you have to work for it."
Touma stays silent, hearing exactly what he wants to hear. "Fine. But I have conditions. First, my suit gets an upgrade with a Friday-level AI. Second, organic webbing and a 20% boost to all my stats. And most importantly: DO NOT MESS WITH MY LIFE LIKE THE LAST ONE!"
"Easy! But I'll definitely drop by for a visit," Mxy laughs, snapping his fingers.
Touma vanishes in a flash of red light. Below, the crowd parted violently. A man in a red and black mask shoved everyone aside.
"Spidey?" Deadpool whispered. A civilian reached out to touch the mask on the corpse, but Wade punched him squarely in the face.
"Nobody touches him," Wade growled, picking up Touma's body with a gentleness that seemed entirely alien to the Merc with a Mouth.