The living quarters above the Royal Oak Pub are cluttered with the typical chaos of a family-run establishment. Julia Troughton stands at the kitchen counter, methodically chopping vegetables while keeping one eye on the clock. Oliver moves around the room with unusual energy, straightening cushions and moving newspapers into neat piles. Barney sits in his usual armchair, the evening paper spread across his lap.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
You're on a mission today, aren't you? I haven't seen you this animated since... well, I can't remember the last time, actually.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Kathy's coming for dinner. You'd love Kathy, Mum. I mean it. Dare I say that you'll get on like a house on fire. She's different from anyone I've ever brought round before.
He picks up a framed photograph from the mantelpiece, wipes it with his sleeve, then puts it back in the exact same position.
BARNEY TROUGHTON:
She's got a university degree hasn't she? That's what you said the other day when you mentioned her. What's she studying again?
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
She's doing a degree to be a teacher. Primary education. She's brilliant with kids, apparently. Got all these ideas about how to make learning fun and engaging. We're working on a gentleman's agreement, actually. I help her with her course work sometimes—you know, give her a different perspective on things—and in return, she helps my image. Makes me look a bit more respectable, you know?
He grins, but there's something genuine beneath the bravado.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Luther won't like her. You know how he is with your girlfriends. Always has been, always will be. I don't know what it is, but he's never approved of any of them.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
When has Luther liked any of the birds I've pulled? Seriously, when? If it was Andrew bringing someone home, he'd bloody jump to the moon and back. He'd probably throw a parade down the high street. But me? Everything I do is wrong in his eyes.
Barney shifts in his chair, clearly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation.
BARNEY TROUGHTON:
Now, that's not entirely fair, Oliver. He didn't like Maxine either at first, if you remember. Granted, that opinion went down even further when you did your thing with her cousin. That didn't exactly help matters, did it?
Oliver stops his frantic tidying and turns to face his stepfather directly.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
I'm sorry, Barney. It's all I can say, isn't it? I messed up badly with Maxine. I know that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. But Kathy has made me a better man, and I've only known her for five months. Five months! She makes me want to be better, to do better. She doesn't take any of my nonsense, and she challenges me in ways nobody else has. She's smart, she's funny, she's got her whole life planned out. And somehow, for reasons I still can't quite fathom, she's chosen to spend her time with me.
The door to the living quarters swings open and Luther Troughton enters, carrying a crate of empty bottles from downstairs. He sets them down heavily near the door.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
What's this now? What's all this commotion about? I could hear you from downstairs, Oliver. Going on about something or other.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
My bird is coming round for dinner. Kathy. I've mentioned her before. She'll be here in about an hour, so I'm making sure everything's presentable.
Luther snorts derisively.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
Another slapper, is it? What's this one then? Bottle blonde? Fake tan? Too much makeup and not enough sense? I've seen the type you go for, Oliver. I've got a photograph of her somewhere that you left lying around. Typical blonde piece, probably not much going on upstairs if she's willing to go out with you.
The room goes silent. Oliver's face flushes red, and he takes a step toward his father.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Shut the fuck up, you fat retard. How dare you? You haven't even met her! You've looked at one photograph—ONE—and you think you know everything about her? You don't know anything! Better yet, let's go outside right now and I'll beat some sense into that thick skull of yours. Come on then! Let's go!
He's advancing on Luther now, fists clenched. Julia drops her knife and moves quickly between them.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Break it up! Both of you, right now! The last thing Kathy needs to see when she arrives is you in a police car, Oliver. And as for you, Luther, you should know better than to judge someone you've never even met. What's gotten into you? You're behaving like a child!
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
I'm just saying what everyone's thinking. Look at his track record, Julia. The boy can't keep a relationship going for more than a few weeks before he does something stupid. Why should this one be any different?
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Because I'm different! Because she's different! But you wouldn't understand that, would you? You've already made up your mind based on absolutely nothing. You saw one photograph of a blonde woman and decided she must be stupid, or easy, or whatever ridiculous stereotype is rattling around in that head of yours!
Andrew Troughton enters from the other room, drawn by the shouting.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
Ladies, ladies, please! You don't have to fight over me. There's enough of me to go around. I can be both of your side chicks if that'll keep the peace.
He's grinning, trying to defuse the tension with humor.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Rather kill myself, golden goose. Honestly, I'd rather throw myself off a bridge than listen to another one of your attempts at comedy.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
What does that mean? Golden goose? What are you on about now?
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
You know exactly what it means. King of Dad's affections, aren't you? You get the easy route through life. Everything handed to you on a silver platter. You bring someone home and it's all congratulations and smiles. I bring someone home and suddenly she's being called a slapper before she's even walked through the door!
Andrew's expression hardens.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
Has something happened that I'm not aware of? Because this sounds like more than just the usual family bickering. If something specific has happened, you'd better explain it properly, Oliver, because the next defamatory thing you say about me or about Dad is gonna get your jaw knocked in. I mean it.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
You want to know what's happened? I'll tell you what's happened! If you'd brought Kathy home, Dad would have been so excited he'd have had a bloody seizure on the floor. He'd be epileptic with joy. But because I'm bringing her here, because it's me introducing her to the family, somehow that automatically condemns her to being a slapper in his eyes. That's what's happened! That's the reality of being the disappointment son!
Luther opens his mouth to respond, but Andrew holds up a hand.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
He was wrong to say that. Completely out of order. Apologise, Dad. Now. You owe Oliver an apology, and you owe this Kathy an apology too, even though she hasn't arrived yet.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
I don't need you telling me what to do, Andrew.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
Yes, you do. Because you're in the wrong here. Completely and utterly wrong. So apologise.
Luther looks around the room. Julia is staring at him with her arms crossed. Barney has put down his paper and is watching expectantly. Even Andrew, his favored son, is waiting for him to back down.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
Fine. Fine! I'm sorry, Oliver. I shouldn't have said what I said. I don't know the girl, and it wasn't fair to judge her based on a photograph. There. Happy now?
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Not particularly, but it's a start. And for the record, Kathy is doing a degree. A proper degree at a proper university. She's going to be a teacher. She's got ambition, intelligence, and a future ahead of her. She's not some random girl I picked up in a club. She's important to me.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
I'm gonna see if she's available to chat before she comes over. After all, she's going with my son, so I should get to know her first. Get a sense of who she is before she walks into this madhouse we call a family.
She moves toward the telephone on the side table.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Mum, you don't have to do that. She'll be here soon enough.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
I want to, love. I want her to know that at least one person in this family is approaching her arrival with an open mind and genuine interest. What's her number?
Oliver reluctantly recites the number, and Julia begins to dial.
BARNEY TROUGHTON:
You know, Oliver, I think it's good that you've found someone who challenges you. Who makes you want to be better. That's what a proper relationship should do. It shouldn't just be about the superficial stuff.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Thanks, Barney. That means a lot, actually. More than you probably realize.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
I still think you're moving too fast. Five months isn't very long to know someone.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
And here we go again. Here we bloody go. Can you not just be supportive for once? Can you not just say "well done, son, I'm happy for you" without adding some kind of caveat or criticism?
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
I'm trying to be realistic! Trying to protect you from making another mistake!
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
I don't need your protection! I need your support! There's a difference, but you've never understood that, have you? You think the only way to be a father is to constantly point out flaws and potential problems. Well, I've had enough of it! I'm doing something good here. Something positive. And you can either get on board or you can keep your opinions to yourself when she arrives!
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
Oliver's right, Dad. Sometimes people just need support, not lectures. I'm sure Kathy is lovely. And if Oliver says she's important to him, then we should respect that and give her a proper welcome.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
When did you become so wise?
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
I've always been wise. You just don't usually listen to me when I'm defending Oliver.
Julia hangs up the phone, smiling.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Well, I've just had a lovely chat with Kathy. She sounds absolutely delightful. Very polite, very articulate. She's looking forward to meeting everyone, though I did warn her that we're a bit chaotic. So she's well-versed in managing disorder.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
See? See what I mean? She's perfect. She's absolutely perfect, and Dad was ready to write her off before she even got through the door.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
I want you to mean it. I want you to actually give her a chance. Not just say the words but actually follow through with actions. Can you do that? Can you treat her with respect and kindness when she arrives?
Luther shifts uncomfortably, clearly not used to being put on the spot like this.
LUTHER TROUGHTON:
Yes. Yes, I can do that. I will do that. If she's important to you, then I'll make an effort. A proper effort, not just going through the motions.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Good. Because I've invited her to come a bit early so we can have a cup of tea before dinner. Just us women. I want to make sure she feels welcome and comfortable before the full family dinner experience.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
You're wonderful, Mum. Absolutely wonderful. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for being supportive and open-minded.
BARNEY TROUGHTON:
What should I wear? Should I change my shirt? I've been working downstairs all day, and I probably smell like beer and old wood.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Yes, Barney, please change. And maybe have a quick wash as well. First impressions matter, and we want Kathy to see us at our best.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
I'm going to tidy my hair. Make myself presentable for Oliver's future wife.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Don't say that! You'll jinx it!
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
Why? Are you planning to mess this one up too?
The room goes silent again. Oliver stares at his brother.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
That was uncalled for.
ANDREW TROUGHTON:
You're right. I'm sorry. That was a cheap shot. I'm just trying to lighten the mood, but I went too far.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
Yeah, you did. But I forgive you. I'm too happy to stay angry right now. Kathy's coming, and I'm going to introduce her to my family, and it's going to be wonderful. It has to be wonderful.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
It will be, love. It will be. Now, everyone go and make yourselves presentable. We've got less than an hour before she arrives, and this place needs to look like people actually live here, not like we've been burgled by very tidy thieves.
The family disperses, each heading off to prepare for Kathy's arrival. Oliver remains in the living room, looking around one more time to make sure everything is perfect. Julia approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
She must be very special for you to be this nervous.
OLIVER TROUGHTON:
She is, Mum. She really is. I know I've said that before about other girls, but this time it's different. This time I mean it with every fiber of my being. I love her.
JULIA TROUGHTON:
Then that's all that matters. The rest of us will come around. Even your father, stubborn as he is. Now go and change into something nice. And for heaven's sake, comb your hair properly.
Oliver grins and heads toward his room, leaving Julia alone in the living room, already anticipating the evening ahead.