Hearing that Dr. Wren Baek had asked for Benjamin's hand in marriage, Charles's face drained of color.
"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do," Benjamin said, sounding defeated. "I spoke to Madam Wagner today. She said I should just be honest about my feelings."
In Charles's mind, the map of the four kingdoms, the missing files, and the dead doctors all blurred into the image of Dr. Baek standing at the altar with Benjamin — the man he desperately wanted to protect and the man he desperately wanted for himself.
"In all honesty, I don't trust him," Charles said. "And for your own sake, neither should you." He paused. "He appeared just out of nowhere." He didn't have any conclusive evidence that Wren had ulterior motives. He felt ashamed as he knew he was saying this out of some form of jealousy.
Charles forced himself to take a breath, before continuing, "Do you have feelings for him? Are you… involved with him?"
"It's not like that at all," Benjamin replied quickly.
"You should just reject him, then," Charles said cheekily, trying to lighten the mood, but also hoping Benjamin would agree with him. "Unless… unless you like him," Charles followed up when Benjamin didn't respond.
Benjamin just shook his head.
Benjamin wondered if he should just come clean about his feelings, his feelings for Charles. Maybe that would finally drive Charles away. That was his goal after all, wasn't it?
I said I needed to get away from him. I should just tell him how I feel. I should be straightforward and honest like Wren.
After what seemed like a long silence, Charles asked, "Are you tired?"
Benjamin nodded. "You?"
Charles nodded. "We should both rest. Let's call it an early night," he said, standing up slowly, his movements stiff. Charles felt as if the weight of the day was finally breaking his spirit.
I guess I won't have a chance to tell him today. I'll have to try again another time, Benjamin thought, though he felt an ounce of relief.
Before Charles turned to leave, he looked at Benjamin once more. "But before I go, Benjamin, I just wanted to say… If you want to be with him... you should."
With that, Charles turned and walked away, his heart heavy. He wasn't ready to hear Benjamin admit to liking another man, and he certainly wasn't ready to see him hand his life over to a stranger.
Charles didn't like the idea of leaving Benjamin alone like this, but he had already assigned his personal guards to a rotating schedule around the clinic. Tonight, Felix was currently on standby.
"Wait!" Benjamin said loudly as he quickly followed behind Charles and caught his arm. "Would you... would you like to go stargazing tomorrow night? We haven't even tried the telescope yet."
"I'd like to, but I can't tomorrow," Charles said, not meeting his eyes. "The day after should be fine." He cast a small grin at him.
He left quickly, his footsteps echoing down the stairs, leaving Benjamin alone on the terrace with a half-finished pitcher of juice.
** ** ** ** ** **
Pain seared through Benjamin's left leg.
"Almost done. Please, stay still."
"No more, no more, I can't!" Benjamin shouted. He could hear nothing but a piercing ringing in his ears.
Benjamin woke up and felt his left thigh. He felt the raised, long vertical scar on his skin. He traced the jagged line up and down.
That morning, his left leg suffered a heightened sensitivity. It's all in my head. It's because of that dream. His body felt sluggish and his mind foggy.
The clinic was quiet that day. He only saw two patients. When he closed up, he picked up a few astronomy books and read about the constellations, trying to keep himself occupied.
However, there was an uncomfortable feeling of emptiness in his chest, as if a sinkhole were dropping into an endless pit. Or perhaps it was a heaviness that weighed on him and made every breath feel like a chore.
Whenever Benjamin closed his eyes, the darkness showed him things he wanted to forget. Spilled blood, screams echoing in a void, hands dragging him into dark depths, and a maze of long, dark hallways under flickering lights.
Each time he woke up, he squeezed his eyes shut until he fell asleep again. He didn't want to be awake. He wanted to sleep until the emptiness in him was filled with anything else—fear, guilt, or even shame.
It was already noon when he decided that he should wake up. It was Sunday, but Charles would not show up until much later. Benjamin waited anxiously, pacing the floor as if Charles might appear anytime soon. He tried to read, but none of it registered.
When he finally heard the rhythmic beating of hooves on the soft ground outside, he ran to the front door.
There was Charles, mounted on a black horse with another in tow. He had a bag slung over the saddle. He offered a smile and waved. Benjamin quickly grabbed his own bag and rushed to lock up the clinic.
"Do you want to race?" Charles challenged.
"Loser carries back both bags," Benjamin countered.
They rode off in a fury, Charles taking the lead through the unpaved trail. Benjamin followed closely and passed Charles at the bend toward the forest, his heart finally beating with something other than dread.
Benjamin pulled his reins to a halt at the forest entrance.
"How was that?" Charles asked, pulling up behind him.
"It was great. Exhilarating. I should get a horse," Benjamin said, heaving.
"You can have her if you want. You should build a stall first," Charles said as he dismounted.
"She's too fine a horse for me. I'll just find one at an auction if I ever build a stall."
They carried their bags into the forest, following the unpaved trails until they found the hidden opening in the shrubs. It led to a clearing with a perfect, unobstructed view of the sky. Benjamin rolled out a thick blanket.
"I brought one too," Charles said.
"We can use one to lie on and one to cover ourselves if it gets chilly," Benjamin suggested.
Benjamin brought out a box with cheese, crackers, and grapes. Charles brought out a bottle of wine and two silver cups.
"We did good," Charles said.
Benjamin lay down first, looking up. The sun was sunsetting, bleeding dark red and orange hues into a sky filled with clouds of gray and deep blue.
Charles lay down a foot apart from him. He had only suggested the race because he'd noticed Benjamin's sullen face at the clinic. The silence between them stretched out, unusually long. Usually, they were comfortable in each other's silence, but today it felt awkward.
"Have you been really busy with preparations for the ball?" Benjamin asked eventually.
"Yes… We have to leave earlier than intended, about 4 days earlier or so… I was just told yesterday… You're planning on coming right?"
Benjamin chuckled. "Ah, that does seem troublesome. I'm sorry to hear that. I still haven't decided. Do you need to know by a certain date?"
"As long as you tell me before we depart," Charles said, and flashed a small smile. "So, how has everything been for you?" Charles asked, hoping to hear about the marriage proposal and whether Benjamin had made a decision.
"Work was slow… There's just been a lot on my mind."
Charles poured the wine and raised his cup. "Shall we make a toast?"
"A toast to my dear friend Benjamin, who's going to get married soon."
Benjamin gulped the wine, nearly choking. "What?"
"I meant, aren't you?" Charles laughed, though the sound was a bit forced.
Benjamin sipped his wine quietly, his gaze fixed on the darkening sky. "Actually, there's something I wanted to tell you."
"I..." Benjamin began, his heart racing. "I have feelings for someone else."
Right after he had said that, Benjamin lost all the courage he thought he had, and quickly picked up the hand-held telescope and hid behind them. "Oh, I see the stars now. I'm going to take a look."
Who do you like? Charles thought.
Charles watched as Benjamin adjusted the telescope, his hands shaking slightly.
You deserve the world, Benjamin. I hope you end up with someone who will give you more than that. Someone who sees how brilliant you are and understands you. Someone who will hold you tenderly when your nightmares leave you trembling. Someone who accepts every single part of you, without question.
"I see Orion's Belt. It's that way," Benjamin said, pointing and passing the telescope.
"Ah, I see it."
Benjamin turned over on his side to look at Charles. If he knew how I felt, would he run away?
He turned back to the stars. "Seeing the stars… it makes you feel small, doesn't it? It reminds me of the vast expanse of the universe, and how we're just a small part of it all."
"It makes the things we think are significant feel... less so," Charles agreed, as he looked at Benjamin's profile under the starlit sky.
"Charles, the thing is… I…" Benjamin couldn't bring himself to say it. He didn't know whether he was afraid that Charles would reject him or leave him and cut him off completely. "The person I like… we… we could never be together…"
That was all Benjamin could muster at that moment.