"What do you want to be when you grow up?" a friend asked me.
I thought about it for a while, racking my brain to think of what I wanted to be.
"I'm not sure."
"Ok then what makes you happy? What do you enjoy?" He spoke softly.
I couldn't remember the last time I had enjoyed anything in my life. Nothing brought me such pure joy that I could see myself doing it for the rest of my life.
"Can't think of anything, sorry." I replied. "How about you tell me what you want to be. Maybe I'll get some inspiration."
"I want to be an Astronaut and go to the moon." He said looking up at the night sky.
We were sat on top of a hill, drinks in hand.
He continued.
"It's the ultimate freedom. Don't you get wore down by this fucked up world we live in?"
He looked towards me.
"Sometimes I think of running away too. Just anywhere but here. Then I remember that no matter where I go the same problems remain. To get away from it all you'd need to go out of this world." He looked up "That's why I want to become an astronaut. To experience that freedom at least for a time."
I understood what he meant. The city we lived in was overrun by gangs, all fight for space, importance and relevancy. Living here was like experiencing the worst of humanity; it was clear that God had favourites and that we weren't one of them.
"I think my dream," I started "I mean I want to help you become an astronaut. I want to be your right-hand man. That's what I'll be when I grow up, Julius".
Julius looked shocked for a second, then smiled wider than I had ever seen before. Though I was colourblind, Julius was the closest thing to light I'd ever known.
I raised my bottle offering a toast to Julius. He grinned and raised his in response.
"To going to the moon," he said.
"To going to the moon."
Our glasses touched with a satisfying clink.
We were sixteen then. The world, however bad, still could be our oyster.
The next two years were spent preparing for Julius to become an astronaut. We studied maths and physics extensively, started running, going to the gym and swimming to get into the right physical condition. We even played flight simulators to get a feel for what it might be like. Those two years I saw how happy Julius was to be pursuing his dream. Through everything he smiled, the simple fact he was progressing towards his dream was enough for him. It made me happy seeing him this way.
Julius died shortly after his eighteenth birthday.
The gunfire came from nowhere. One second Julius was beside me, the next he wasn't. I don't remember much from that time. The funeral, the tears, the sadness. They were all a faded memory.
All I remember was signing up to work in the government clean up operation. They had seen how bad our city had got and decided that promising to clean up cities around the country was a good way to win the upcoming election.
Of course, cleaning meant killing off every gang member in the city. It was a lonely job. The training was brutal, those who couldn't make it through either quit, were cut, or died before they saw the end. We learnt how to kill efficiently using blades. We were sent out in either solos or duos to clean up the streets.
The worst burden a person could carry was guilt. Killing in comparison was easy.