When Su Yaoyao woke up the next morning, the first thing she checked was the floor.
No dead assassin. No bloodstains.
In fact, her room smelled faintly of lemon and expensive incense. The broken door from yesterday had already been replaced with a new one made of polished rosewood, carved with even more intricate phoenixes than the last one.
"Mom works fast," Yaoyao muttered, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
She sat up, a spark of hope igniting in her chest.
Yesterday, her father, Prime Minister Su—the biggest villain in the empire—had stormed out of the house in a murderous rage, threatening to purge the Minister of War without any actual evidence.
Best case scenario, Yaoyao thought, sliding out of bed and shivering on the cold floor. Dad busted into the Minister's house, killed him in cold blood, and got arrested by the Imperial Guard. The Su Clan is disgraced. Game over. I go home today.
It was a grim thought, sure. But compared to living in a world without flush toilets or iced lattes for the rest of her life? It was a sacrifice she was willing to let her fictional father make.
Worst case scenario, she continued her mental flowchart. Dad chickened out and just yelled at the guy.
She got dressed with the help of four maids who seemed terrified to breathe too loudly around her. Apparently, her bravery during the assassination attempt had become household legend overnight.
"Young Miss," the head maid whispered, fastening a jade belt around Yaoyao's still-very-flat waist. "The Master and Young Master have returned from their... excursion."
"Oh?" Yaoyao tried to hide her excitement. "Are they in chains? Are they being dragged away for questioning?"
The maid looked confused. "Chains? No, Young Miss. They are in the main hall, having breakfast with the Madam."
Yaoyao's heart sank. Breakfast? You don't eat breakfast if you've just been arrested for treason.
She rushed out of her courtyard, ignoring the maids telling her to walk with decorum. She needed to see the damage. Or rather, the lack of damage.
The main hall of the Su residence was ridiculous. It was larger than her high school gymnasium back home, supported by pillars of red lacquered wood and decorated with priceless vases that Yaoyao was terrified of sneezing near.
Sitting at a table long enough to land a plane on were her three family members.
Madam Shen was at the head, looking immaculate as always, calmly peeling a lychee.
On her left sat Su Jian, still wearing his armor from yesterday. He looked like a golden retriever that had just successfully hunted a bear—covered in dust, slightly manic, but incredibly proud of himself.
On her right sat Prime Minister Su. He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he held himself with a smug satisfaction that made Yaoyao's stomach churn.
They didn't look ruined. They looked victorious.
"Baobao!" Madam Shen spotted her first, waving a manicured hand. "Come sit. You need to eat. You look like a gust of wind could kidnap you."
Yaoyao shuffled to the table and sat down. "So... how did the purge go? Did we do a lot of crimes? Did we anger the Emperor?"
Please say yes. Please say we are enemies of the state.
Su Jian slammed his fist on the table, rattling the teacups. "It was glorious, sister! Father was magnificent! A true dragon among men!"
Prime Minister Su coughed modestly, sipping his tea. "It was merely necessary housekeeping, my son."
Yaoyao looked between them. "What happened to the Minister of War? Lord Liu?"
"Lord Liu," Prime Minister Su said, his voice dripping with disdain, "is currently enjoying the hospitality of the Imperial Dungeon's lowest level. He will likely not see the sun again."
Yaoyao's eyes widened. "You... you just threw him in a dungeon? Without a trial? Isn't that illegal? Isn't the Emperor furious?"
Yes! Abuse of power! This is villain behavior! The plot is progressing!
Madam Shen sighed elegantly. She dropped the peeled lychee into Yaoyao's bowl.
"Husband, tell your daughter the truth. Stop trying to sound cooler than you are," she scolded lightly. "You almost ruined everything."
Prime Minister Su wilted slightly under her gaze.
Madam Shen turned to Yaoyao. "Your father, in his infinite wisdom, decided to kick down Lord Liu's front gate with fifty Black Feather Guards. He was shouting about assassination and demanding Liu's head on a platter."
Good, good, Yaoyao thought. That's highly illegal. Very villainous.
"However," Madam Shen continued, "when they burst into Liu's study, they didn't find him plotting an assassination. They found him panicking near his fireplace, frantically burning a stack of ledger books."
Yaoyao blinked. "Ledger books?"
Su Jian jumped in, unable to contain his excitement. "Yes! Father saw him burning papers and immediately assumed it was proof of the assassination plot! Father grabbed him by the throat and was about to—" Su Jian made a violent chopping motion with his hand—"administer justice right there!"
"But then I arrived," Madam Shen interrupted smoothly. "Just in time, I might add. I had to physically restrain your father from committing murder in front of fifty witnesses. Honestly, dear, you have zero subtlety."
Prime Minister Su grumbled into his tea.
"And thank goodness I did," Madam Shen said. "Because I took a closer look at those half-burnt ledgers containing the assassination proof."
She paused for dramatic effect.
"It wasn't proof of an assassination plot," she revealed. "It was proof that Minister Liu has been stealing money from the Northern Army's food budget for the last three years. He was using the soldiers' rice money to buy rare, imported koi fish for his garden pond."
Silence filled the hall.
Yaoyao stared at her mother. "Wait. What?"
"He wasn't trying to kill you," Madam Shen shrugged. "He's just a standard, greedy little bureaucrat who got caught because your father has anger management issues."
"So..." Yaoyao's voice trembled. "Dad didn't commit a crime?"
"Of course not," Madam Shen preened. "I made sure of it. We confiscated the ledgers, arrested him properly for embezzlement and corruption, and handed him over to the Ministry of Justice this morning. It's all perfectly legal."
Su Jian beamed. "The Emperor sent a decree an hour ago! He praised Father for his swift and decisive action against corruption! He called Father the Pillar of the State! We were rewarded with ten bolts of tribute silk and a box of gold!"
Yaoyao felt her soul leave her body.
No.
Her internal scream echoed in the silence of her mind, blasting across the breakfast table like a mental shockwave.
NO! You were supposed to do a crime! You were supposed to be the bad guy! You didn't do treason; you did community service! You accidentally busted a corruption ring! Why are you like this?!
The entire table went dead silent.
Prime Minister Su, Madam Shen, and Su Jian all froze in unison. Teacups stopped halfway to mouths. Chopsticks paused in mid-air.
They had all heard it. The raw, unfiltered frustration in her thoughts.
But of course, the Filial Daughter Filter warped it differently for each of them.
Prime Minister Su's dark eyes softened with a profound, deeply incorrect realization.
She is screaming that we didn't do treason? Ah... she is using irony. She is mocking us for not going far enough. She is angry that a Minister of the court would stoop so low as to steal food from soldiers. Her heart bleeds for the common man!
Su Jian gripped his chopsticks so hard they snapped in half. His eyes lit up with bloodlust.
She said I did community service? She is insulting my violence! She thinks I was too soft! She wanted me to actually chop Lord Liu's head off right there! My sister is even more ruthless than I am... she wanted a public execution to send a message!
Madam Shen sighed, a look of impressed approval crossing her face.
Why are you like this, she asks. She thinks we were too lenient. She realizes that simply arresting him isn't enough; we should have destroyed his entire clan to prevent future revenge. My daughter has the foresight of a true matriarch.
"Yaoyao is upset," Prime Minister Su announced first, breaking the silence.
"I know!" Su Jian slammed his fist on the table, looking ashamed. "I failed you, sister! You wanted blood, and I gave you a bureaucracy! I should have beheaded him on the spot! I was too weak!"
"No, that's not—" Yaoyao started.
"Hush, Jian," Madam Shen interrupted, looking at Yaoyao with a terrifyingly proud smirk. "Your sister isn't asking for mindless violence. She is asking for total domination. She thinks sending him to prison is a mercy he doesn't deserve."
Madam Shen leaned forward, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Don't worry, Baobao. I have already arranged for his cellmate to be Big Scar Wu. Lord Liu will not enjoy his stay."
"My daughter holds me to a higher standard," Prime Minister Su bowed his head shamefully. "You are right to scold me in your heart, Yaoyao. I was too slow. I allowed this rot to fester. I am ashamed."
Yaoyao looked from her dad, to her brother, to her mom.
I am literally just asking why you aren't evil, she thought, exhausted. Why does this feel like I'm the only sane person in an asylum?
"Do not apologize for your righteousness!" Prime Minister Su stood up, his energy flaring again. "You have opened my eyes! I must work harder. I must root them all out, to create the perfect world you desire!"
He turned to leave. "I'm going to the palace. I need to speak to the Emperor about expanding the investigation powers of the Black Feather Guard."
"I will come with you, Father!" Su Jian jumped up, grabbing his sword. "I need to redeem myself in Yaoyao's eyes! I will go patrol the streets and arrest anyone who looks suspicious!"
"Wait! Stop getting more powerful!" Yaoyao cried out.
But it was too late. The men swept out of the room on a cloud of misplaced moral superiority.
Yaoyao slumped face-first onto the table.
"Eat your lychee, Baobao," Madam Shen patted her head sympathetically. "It's tough being the ambitious mastermind of the family, isn't it?"
Yaoyao groaned into the tablecloth.
She needed a new plan. The brute-force approach clearly wasn't working because Mom was too good at cleaning up his messes.
She needed to target the plot directly. She needed to target the person destined to destroy them.
"Mother," Yaoyao mumbled into the table. "Is the Royal Banquet to welcome back the Crown Prince still happening tonight?"
"Yes, of course. Why?"
Yaoyao lifted her head. Her eyes burned with renewed determination.
If she couldn't make her family destroy themselves, she would have to make the Male Lead do it for them.
Prince Zhao Xichen. The Iron-Faced Prince. The guy who hated corruption and hated the Su family even more.
Okay, Prince Charming, she thought, stabbing a lychee viciously with a silver fork. You want a villain? I'll give you a villain. Tonight, I'm going to be the biggest, most obnoxious brat this dynasty has ever seen. I will insult you until you have no choice but to exile my entire family.
"I need a new dress," Yaoyao declared. "Something that says, 'I am better than everyone here and I know it.'"
Madam Shen smirked, a terrifying glint in her eye. "Now that is the spirit. Maids! Open the west vault. We're finding my daughter something dangerous to wear."