Ice formed out of thin air. Massive, rectangular mirrors rose from the ground, surrounding us in a deadly dome of frozen reflection.
"Ice Style?" Kakashi's eye widened. "A Kekkei Genkai?"
Haku stepped into one of the mirrors and vanished. Suddenly, his reflection appeared in all of them simultaneously.
"I don't want to kill you," Haku's voice echoed from the mirrors, soft and sad. "But I will protect my precious person."
"Precious person, my ass," I muttered, gripping the giant sword. "He's just an abusive boss with dental issues and anger management problems."
I looked at my team.
"Sasuke, Naruto!" I shouted. "You guys handle the Ice Trap. I'll deal with the Angry Ex-Swordsman."
"You're taking Zabuza alone?!" Sakura shrieked from the sidelines (guarding Tazuna). "Kenji, you'll die!"
"I have his sword, Sakura," I hefted the massive blade. It took effort. "He's fighting unarmed. I have a giant knife. The math is in my favor."
"Die!" Zabuza charged, moving like a blur.
I grinned.
"System," I whispered. "[Observation Haki: Max Output]."
The world slowed down.
I didn't see Zabuza. I felt him. I felt the intent to kick my ribs.
I didn't block. I swung the flat of the giant blade like a flyswatter.
CLANG.
Zabuza's kick hit the steel. He bounced off, grimacing in pain.
"That's MY sword!" Zabuza yelled, offended.
"Not anymore, buddy," I laughed, swinging it again clumsily but effectively. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law!"
****
[Inside the Ice Mirrors]
While I played "Whack-a-Mole" with Zabuza, the situation inside the ice dome was dire.
"Damn it!" Sasuke yelled.
Ping. Ping. Ping.
Senbon needles rained down from every direction. Sasuke and Naruto were covered in cuts. They couldn't see Haku. He was too fast.
"Naruto!" Sasuke shouted. "Don't pass out! We need a plan!"
Naruto panted, wiping blood from his cheek. "I... I can't see him! He's everywhere!"
Haku appeared in the mirror in front of them, holding three senbon.
"It is over," Haku whispered. "I will aim for the vitals."
He threw them.
Sasuke moved. His Sharingan finally awakened—one tomoe in the left, two in the right. He saw the trajectory.
He jumped in front of Naruto.
THWACK. THWACK. THWACK.
The needles pierced Sasuke's body. He coughed blood, falling to his knees.
"Sasuke!" Naruto screamed, catching him.
"You... idiot..." Sasuke gasped. "My body... moved on its own..."
Sasuke slumped. He looked dead. (He wasn't, Haku missed the vitals on purpose, but Naruto didn't know that).
The rage built up in Naruto. The Red Chakra of the Kyuubi began to bubble.
"I'll kill you..." Naruto growled, his eyes turning red.
But then... a memory surfaced.
Kenji's voice echoed in his head: "Naruto. Rage makes you stupid. If you want to win, you don't use brute force. You use Art. You use... Distraction."
The red chakra receded. Naruto blinked.
Distraction.
Naruto looked at Haku. Haku was a boy (allegedly). A strong boy.
Naruto stood up. A wicked, mischievous grin replaced the rage.
"Hey, Mask Guy!" Naruto shouted.
Haku paused in the mirror. "Are you going to attack?"
"No," Naruto crossed his fingers. "I'm going to show you something cool."
"Kenji taught me this! He said it works on everyone!"
"Ninja Art: Reverse Harem Jutsu!"
Naruto thought Haku was a girl and used the legendary reverse harem jutsu that defeated Kaguya.
****
POOF.
A cloud of smoke exploded inside the dome.
But this wasn't the usual sexy girl.
When the smoke cleared, twenty distinct figures stood around Haku.
They were men.
But not just men. They were Gods.
They were tall, handsome bishonen with sparkling eyes, chiseled jaws, and perfectly styled hair. They were shirtless. Their muscles glistened with oil. They struck poses that belonged on the cover of a romance novel.
One was a rugged bad boy. One was a gentle prince. One was a shota with puppy eyes.
"Oh, Haku-chan~" the bishonen clones chorused in deep, husky voices. "Come play with us~"
One clone flexed his pecs. Sparkle. Another clone ran a hand through his hair. Sparkle. A third clone bit a rose. Wink.
[Critical Hit.]
Outside the mirrors, Sakura—who could see through the gaps—froze.
"Oh... my... god..."
SPLURT.
A massive fountain of blood erupted from Sakura's nose. She fainted dead away, a blissful smile on her face.
Sasuke, barely conscious on the ground, opened one eye. He saw a naked, muscular Naruto clone winking at him.
"My eyes..." Sasuke whispered. "Someone... give me sanitizer..." He passed out from pure cringe.
But Haku?
Haku, the cold-blooded tool, the weapon of Zabuza...
Froze.
The senbon dropped from his fingers. Clatter.
Under the mask, Haku's face went nuclear red. Steam actually started to rise from the mirrors.
"U-Uh..." Haku stammered, his voice jumping three octaves. "I... that... muscles..."
[Outside the Mirrors]
I was busy parrying Zabuza when I heard the commotion. I looked over.
I saw the clones.
I saw the glistening abs.
"What the..." I blinked. "He actually did it? The Reverse Harem?"
Then I looked at the mirrors.
The ice was melting. Why? Because Haku was overheating.
I saw Haku step out of the mirror, his mask slightly askew. He was staring at the clones, his hands covering his mouth, shaking.
"Wait," I said, pausing the fight.
Zabuza paused too, confused. "What is that idiot doing?"
I pointed at Haku.
"Hey! Haku!" I shouted. "That's Naruto! He's a boy!"
Naruto flinched. He looked at me. Then he looked back at Haku.
"A... a boy can be that beautiful?" Naruto whispered, he doubted his eyes.
"Wait a minute," I narrowed my eyes.
[Passive Skill: Gay Radar (Activated)][Target: Haku][Status: Extremely Flustered.][Preference: Confirmed.]
I turned my head slowly toward Zabuza.
Zabuza was staring at Haku with a mix of confusion and horror.
"Haku?" I asked. "Why are you blushing? Don't tell me?"
Zabuza too seemed to sense the abnormality as he screamed, "Haku!! What are you doing? Kill them!"
"I... I can't move, Zabuza-san!" Haku cried out. "The... the glutes... they are too defined!"
I dropped the heavy sword. It clangored onto the bridge.
"Zabuza," I said, my voice dead serious.
"What?" Zabuza snapped.
"I have a question."
I pointed at the blushing Haku, then at Zabuza (who was shirtless, muscular, and wearing cow-print).
"Is that..." I gestured between them. "...why you dress like a stripper?"
Zabuza froze.
"Excuse me?"
"You know," I made a hand gesture. "Haku likes men. Clearly. You are a large, muscular man who walks around half-naked. Are you... catering to your subordinate? Is this a 'Senpai noticed me' situation?"
The battlefield went silent.
Naruto's clones stopped posing. Haku turned to stone. Kakashi (who had woken up) covered his remaining eye.
Zabuza's face turned a color that didn't exist in nature. It was a mix of purple, red, and pure, unadulterated shame.
"I AM NOT!" Zabuza roared, his voice cracking. "HE IS A TOOL! A TOOL DOES NOT HAVE A TYPE!"
"I don't know, man," I shrugged. "That tool seems pretty interested in Naruto's abs right now. Maybe you need to up your game. Have you considered baby oil?"
"AAAAAAHHH!" Zabuza screamed, throwing his kunai to the ground. "I AM DONE! I AM KILLING EVERYONE! STARTING WITH YOU!"
[System Mission Update][Recruitment Status: Zabuza (Confused/Humiliated), Haku (Awakened to new possibilities).][Goal: 50% Complete.]
I grinned.
"Kakashi-sensei!" I shouted. "Tag in! He's emotionally compromised! Hit him with a Lightning Blade while he's questioning his life choices!"
Author's Note:Advance chapters, bonus comedy scenes, and less-filtered humor are available on Patreon.
👉 patreon.com/evilUchiha