"What? You're Sarutobi Asuma? Son of the Third Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen, one of the Guardian Ninja Twelve protecting the Daimyo and heir of the Sarutobi clan, is that really you?!"
Jiraiya's accidental exclamation made the two "enthusiastic" customers currently scrubbing Asuma's back tremble with joy.
To them, this was no different from finding out the person you're chatting with is secretly a princess!
It made the taboo thrill even more intoxicating!
"That's right, I'm Asuma, but keep it low-key. I brought my team here on a mission."
Hearing the voices of "admiration" behind him, Asuma felt a little smug.
What pleased him was that among those three titles, one finally belonged to him personally, not just relying on his father or clan.
"Wait, that voice just now sounded familiar—is that you Jiraiya-sama?" Asuma called out toward the figure on the other side of the steam.
"You two beasts, release Asuma! Come at me if you dare! Hehe!"
Hearing Asuma's voice and seeing two "alluring" silhouettes in the mist, Jiraiya tore off his towel with a heroic roar and pounced directly through the steam.
"Huh?" Asuma turned his head.
Under his horrified gaze, Jiraiya—naked as hell—lunged toward the two "attendants" who had been scrubbing his back, dragging both of them into the hot spring pool with a mighty splash.
"Take this! And this—wait... what is that? OH NO! OH HELL NO!"
Jiraiya's voice shifted from heroic laughter to agonized screams in a bizarre, soul-crushing transition.
The two men attacked by Jiraiya weren't angry.
After emerging from the water, they wiped the moisture from their faces and looked at Jiraiya with sparkling eyes.
"Are you the legendary Sannin, Jiraiya-sama?"
To them, Jiraiya was the ultimate catch.
A "Daddy" figure with famous reputation and a rugged, wild personality.
What these two didn't expect was that Jiraiya actually "shared" the same preferences as them (or so they thought, since he jumped on them naked).
"Jiraiya-sama, since you've offered yourself so passionately, we'll graciously accept!"
"Jiraiya-sama, you're even wilder than the rumors!"
"HELL NAH! GET AWAY FROM ME! RASENGAN!!!"
Jiraiya, utterly terrified for his chastity, unleashed a Rasengan directly into the hot spring water.
BOOM!
Using the massive recoil of the explosion, Jiraiya launched himself backward like a rocket, flying out of the hot spring area entirely.
With a loud thud, he landed right at the front desk in the lobby.
Naruto, Boruto, Konohamaru, and Shikamaru stood frozen, staring dumbfounded at the legendary Toad Sage sprawled awkwardly on the floor.
"Summoning Jutsu!"
Jiraiya frantically summoned the Mount Myoboku contract scroll and wrapped it around his naked body like a toga, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.
Though disheveled, he had at least preserved his dignity (barely).
'This Land of Hot Water is terrifying,' Jiraiya thought, shivering.
'What in the world is going on?'
He had assumed a place called "Hot Water" would have a robust and well-established "adult entertainment" industry for men.
How could things turn out like this?
Now, looking around properly, he realized this establishment didn't even have mixed-gender baths—the one he had just charged into was a dedicated "Men's Paradise"!
If only he had used his omega rinnegan-level peeping skills to check the sign before charging in!
"Jiraiya-sama, what happened?"
Asuma, having dressed at the speed of light, rushed out a moment later.
Looking up, he saw the four kids standing there, traumatized.
"Well, at least nothing serious came of it," Shikamaru remarked with a sigh, realizing he had dodged a massive bullet by leaving early.
Later, at Jiraiya's strong insistence, the group moved to a totally boring, regular inn to stay.
The ordinary inn had mediocre business and almost no guests.
But that made sense—most people came to the Land of Hot Water to enjoy the "special" hot springs.
Why else would anyone visit if not for that?
However, sticking to his principle of never giving up on a mission until the very end, Asuma continued chatting up the locals about the Evil God Cult.
Surprisingly, he found a lead at this boring inn.
The innkeeper revealed that the fanatics of the Evil God Cult had left the country years ago, which was why it had been so difficult to gather intel recently.
But he did have a secret story to share about the local culture shift.
"Back when the cult's madmen wreaked havoc across the country, they would approach people indiscriminately, asking if they wanted to join the Evil God Cult. Regardless of the answer, the outcome was always a gruesome death. No one survived an encounter."
The innkeeper leaned in, whispering conspiratorially.
"At that time, I was just a waiter. One day, that scythe-wielding maniac showed up. He killed the owner and slaughtered all the staff downstairs. I was delivering dinner to a guest upstairs when I heard the screams. Terrified, I dashed into the guest's room to hide."
"Just then, the killer appeared at the doorway. He looked inside, saw the scene, gave a look of pure disgust, and left without killing us."
"Why?" Asuma asked, intrigued.
"Because the two guests in that room were men... and they were 'busy' with each other. The killer, apparently, had a massive phobia of 'filth' or perhaps just hated seeing a true love. Well, whatever it was, the sight of two men playing horse made the murderer retreat in nausea."
"Originally, heterosexuality was the norm in this country. But after that incident spread, everyone realized that same-sex couples were immune to the killer! To survive, many people... adapted. And well, habits stick."
The innkeeper finished his nostalgic tale with a reminiscent expression.
Asuma returned to the room utterly bewildered.
'What in the world?' Asuma thought.
'Did the Evil God Cult's killer actually have a 'straight' obsession? Is that why dad suggested that the cult might have collected his hemorrhoid blood for a ritual? Because it came from a straight man?'
"Huh? What's going on here?"
Asuma snapped out of his thoughts and noticed that the others in the room weren't eating the food on the table.
Instead, they were sitting in a circle, staring at him solemnly.
"Waaah! Uncle Asuma... Grandpa's dead!"
Konohamaru burst into tears and threw himself into Asuma's arms.
"NANI?!"
Asuma's pupils trembled with shock as he looked at Jiraiya in disbelief.
"Yeah." Jiraiya nodded gravely, the comedy of the evening vanishing instantly.
"Who did it? Did Orochimaru pull another surprise attack? Or did the Evil God Cult actually manage to curse him using his hemorrhoid blood?!"
Asuma couldn't accept this!
The 'Konoha Crush' had been resolved, so why would something like this happen now?
And to die from hemorrhoid curses seemed... unlikely.
"It's getting late today, Asuma. Calm down and get some rest. I'll tell you the details tomorrow."
"Sigh."
Everyone returned to their respective rooms and the atmosphere turn heavy.
...
In the Wind Country desert.
By the time Makoto finished explaining about the Otsutsuki and his origins from twenty years in the future, deep night had fallen.
The desert night was exceptionally cold.
Surrounded by nothing but rocks and sand, there were no trees to make a fire.
Fortunately, the warm-hearted and considerate Uchiha Hikari used the legendary, inextinguishable Black Flame to provide everyone with a heat source.
Itachi was probably weeping somewhere.
The ultimate visual jutsu, capable of burning anything, had been reduced to a campfire!
"Come here! No talking back!"
Temari pulled Makoto over with a classic tsundere attitude, forcing him to rest his head on her lap.
"Hmmph, dont missunderstand, it's not because I like you or anything, your head is just... heavy!"
...
Meanwhile, back at the Inn.
Inside a dark room.
Boruto clutched his head, gritting his teeth in sudden agony.
"...The memories in my mind are getting blurrier. Why? Especially Shikadai—I can't even remember what his face looks like anymore!"
Boruto pressed his hands to his temples and shouted internally.
'Momoshiki! What is happening to me?!'
------
Rip Shikadai T.T