Naruto's terrified scream pierced the quiet night like a banshee.
Look, don't blame Naruto for screaming like that.
Put yourself in his shoes: you kindly invite a guy you just met to crash at your place.
You fall asleep and have a weirdly vivid dream about taking a massive dump that just won't break off... only to wake up and find that "friend" playing with your dick.
Isnt that terrifying?
...
Meanwhile, outside.
While touring Konoha with Naruto earlier that day, adult Sasuke had suddenly remembered what Tsunade said in the office: 'Call the Third.'
Since the Third Hokage should definitely be dead in this timeline, that command stuck in his brain.
Why would she say that?
So, Sasuke had ditched the group to gather intel.
After confirming that Sarutobi Hiruzen was, in fact, alive and kicking, Sasuke still didn't return to the hotel.
Instead, he stayed in the shadows, monitoring the situation. He suspected Urashiki might have arrived early and messed with the timeline.
Then, he heard the scream.
Hearing Naruto's distress, adult Sasuke disregarded his current weakened state and instantly flickered outside Naruto's window.
He was ready to kill.
He prepared to smash through the glass... but then he realized there was no enemy chakra inside.
Peeking through the window, Sasuke froze.
He saw Boruto's hand inside Naruto's boxers.
He saw Naruto's face contorted in pure horror.
'...What the actual hell is happening here?'
"Sa... Master! Save me!"
Boruto was practically crying, spotting Sasuke's silhouette outside the window and begging for a lifeline.
But after confirming there was no threat to life—just dignity—Sasuke instantly vanished.
'Hell nah.'
It is significantly easier to figure out why the dead Third Hokage is alive than to unpack whatever that was.
...
Back inside.
"What master?! Don't think you can trick me into turning around, you pervert! Die! Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
Naruto didn't believe a word he said.
He'd been having a nice dream about beating the crap out of Sasuke, when suddenly "Dream Sasuke" started groping him, startling him awake.
And then he finds this guy—who he graciously brought home—hands-deep in his personal space!
Bang bang bang bang bang.
The tiny bedroom instantly filled with Naruto's clones, and the beatdown commenced.
"Ah!"
"Oh!"
"Oof!"
Ironically, this ass-kicking successfully fulfilled Boruto's lifelong repressed desire to actually be disciplined by his father.
Ten minutes later, Boruto was tied with ninja wire and thrown into a corner.
For good measure, Naruto stuffed a pungent, sweaty sock into his mouth to shut him up.
Naruto clapped his hands, satisfied that the sexual predator had been neutralized.
He pulled his pants up properly, tightened his belt to the max setting, and went back to sleep.
...
The next morning.
Naruto decided to drag Boruto to the Hokage Building.
He was going to report this freak and cancel the mission so he could get back to training!
"Please! Don't! I'm innocent!"
Boruto spat the smelly sock out of his mouth and hurriedly begged for mercy as Naruto dragged him down the street.
He hadn't slept a wink.
He'd spent the entire night tied up, tasting foot sweat, desperately thinking of an excuse.
Finally, he had one.
"Innocent? Innocent?! Then explain what the hell happened last night!"
Naruto stopped walking, turn around, crossed his arms, and glared at Boruto.
"Last night... I was already asleep. But suddenly, a strange, dark Chakra flowed from your side to mine. I thought you had wet the bed..."
"You're the one who wets the bed, asshole!"
"Don't get mad yet, let me finish! After that strange Chakra hit me, I felt like I couldn't control my body. There was a voice whispering in my ear, tempting me, and then... my hand just moved on its own! It was a possession!"
Boruto spoke with the most pitiful, puppy-dog expression he could muster.
"Whispering in your ear?" Naruto froze.
He stroked his chin thoughtfully.
Could it be? Did the Nine-Tails' Chakra leak out? causing this guy to act like that?
"If that's the case... then it might not be your fault..." Naruto stepped forward and untied Boruto.
He had thought all along that this guy gave him a familiar, brotherly vibe—how could he be a pervert? It had to be the Fox.
'That damn Fox! How despicable.'
'Not only does he mess with me, but now he's harassing my friend too?'
"Alright. To make it up to you, I'll take you to Ichiraku Ramen." Naruto took out his wallet, counted his crumpled bills, and sighed.
As they walked through the streets of konoha, heading for breakfast, they coincidentally ran into a certain Hyuga girl.
"Oh, look. That's Hinata."
"By the way, her younger sister went out of the village with Makoto-san for training. Man, I'm so jealous."
"I won't fall too far behind, will I? I don't want to lose to a bunch of little kids later," Naruto muttered, once again getting depressed about his lack of training.
Boruto looked up, saw the girl, and his brain short-circuited.
"MOM?!"
"EIGHT TRIGRAMS: AIR PALM!"
BOOM.
A shockwave hit Boruto square in the chest, sending him flying backward to land face-first in the dirt.
Boruto was dazed.
Struggling to peel himself off the ground, he looked up and saw someone he had only ever seen in framed photos in his home.
'Uncle Neji?'
'Wait, why is he here? Did he come back from the dead just to beat my ass? Is this some kind of family tradition?'
"Neji! What the hell? Why did you hit him?"
Naruto jumped in front of Neji, who was already winding up for a second strike.
"Naruto, move! Do not stop me! I must protect Lady Hinata and exterminate this pervert!" Neji shouted, his Byakugan veins bulging.
"Pervert?"
Hearing the term, Naruto paused. "Oh. No, Neji, you've misunderstood. There were special circumstances when he reached into my pants last night."
Naruto assumed Neji had used his Byakugan to spy on his house and saw the incident.
"WHAT?! He reached into your pants?!" Neji looked horrified.
Hinata looked even more horrified!
'No wonder...' she thought, her face turning red.
'No wonder I felt a connection to him... is he... is he my love rival?!'
"Then he must be eliminated immediately! Eight Trigrams..."
"Stop! Wait! Even if you want to kill me, at least tell me why!" Boruto scrambled up, shouting desperately at his dead uncle.
"Hmph. Whatever." Neji snorted coldly, turning his nose up. "Gai-sensei bought Kakashi's favorite novel, Icha Icha Paradise, to understand his rival better. I accidentally read some of the content..."
Neji pointed an accusing finger at Boruto.
"There is a pervert character in that book named 'Puerko.' He calls the women he lusts after 'Mommy.' He runs around saying disgusting things like 'Mommy, hit me' or 'Mommy, i want milk'!"
Neji glared. "When this guy just saw Lady Hinata, his first reaction was to call her 'Mom.' Don't think I didn't hear it! This person is exactly that kind of sick fetishist described in the sacred texts of perversion!"
"Things in books are fake! How old are you, believing everything you read in a smut novel?!" Boruto yelled, his face burning.
There was no other way out—he couldn't explain why he called her Mom, so he had to attack the logic.
"Fake? Ha!" Neji scoffed. "Yesterday, outside the bathhouse, Jiraiya-sama himself stated that his novels are based on reality. His next book is going to be about the First Hokage and Madara!"
Neji took a combat stance. "Since Kakashi is a fan of Jiraiya-sama's work, it must be highly accurate. Don't try to gaslight me, you creep!"
"Prepare to die, 'PUERKO'!"
Neji broke free from Naruto's grip and leaped high into the air, aiming for the kill.
------
Neji tryna hide the fact that he read porn!