A woman standing next to a bed. For the past week, the curtain had been placed, and so, the lack of luminosity was creating a gloomy ambiance. It was even worse if you took a look at the form shaping the blanket in silence.
Sunny couldn't stand the way she looked at him.
Day after day, he prayed in silence that she just… stopped.
'Don't look at me like this…'
But the next day, she was even worse than the day before. So much emotion in her gaze, so much weight… so much hope.
'Please… Stop… I… '
After a moment, he just stopped looking at her. Her golden eyes were striking him at his very core. Sunny was doing the only thing that he was skilled at: fleeing. Now, he didn't even eat outside his room, using the famous excuse of limiting his movement to recover quickly.
No greetings were exchanged this day; this was… suffocating. Jeanne looked like she wanted anything except being like this again. Her hand moved but stopped, as if she wanted to touch his hair, playing with a strand like there was no problem anymore, no danger. Just peace.
But Sunny didn't even see it, hiding under his blanket. In his "hideout," he is cut off from the world as much as he can be. Everything was reduced to only darkness, coldness, and noise, but he was still hearing the doctor's action.
As she took a long breath, her voice started to tell a story.
-"You know… Your clothes—we didn't buy them for you… It was from someone else."
Talking like this sounded like it was exhausting, like she was forcing herself to be someone else. Still, she didn't stop, pushing through her only hope. Especially now that she saw the form moving under the cover. He was listening; it was not too late.
-"They were in a cardboard… Of things that I wouldn't have to use anymore. Because, once, I had a family. A little one, but still, we were happy. I had a husband and… a child, a boy your age. I was already working with the Immortal Flame clan, but I stayed in my own apartment, waiting to buy a house. To let them out of the danger."
Her voice was melancholic, smiling sadly just by having the thought of that. Her happy dream, one that could never come true. Sunny, on his side, was still silent, but an eye was now looking at her. Even now, he was on his defense.
But she kept telling her story:
-"One night, while I was here, our neighbor's kid had fallen asleep, only to never wake up again. Dead in her First Nightmare. No one saw it coming, and… No one was alive when I arrived with Lady Ashe…"
Her eyes were like a screen to those memories, one that Sunny was capable of imagining. The building was on fire, and she felt the heat of the flame as she rushed to find two corpses or what was left of them. She couldn't feel the pain as her skin started to roast. Scar that she might still have on her back.
-"Since that day, I didn't know how to live without them, so I didn't try to. I kept working until my body broke, only to continue immediately after I woke up. Creating the persona of Caretaker to act as if nothing happened. Feeling anything was hurtful, so I stopped doing that as much as I could. Talking was leaving me only helpless, so I changed my way of speaking until it became natural to me… "
A trembling breath was taken from both sides.
-"And still, I'm talking to you, Sunny. Not because you're taking over my son but because you remind me of him. I will love him until my last breath, and seeing someone this young going through the same thing that I do… And still being able to keep trying… I smiled without noticing it. I know that talking will not bring anything back, but I want to listen to you. The same way that people stood by my side even when I was a shadow of what I once was."
An invitation was given.
-"So please… can you talk to me, Sunny?"
…
No response. Silence was her beloved once more, but she just smiled at him. She gave him a hand, and she hoped that… No, she knew that he wanted to take it, and she would be here. Now or after. Here or outside.
As she walked away, reaching for the doorknob, a small voice revealed itself from behind her.
-"I didn't want to… I-I tried to, but…"
Without a word, she retraced her steps back to the bed. Jeanne was seeing some movement, but what mattered the most was the voice that tried to reach for her. As a healer, a woman, and a mother, she had to answer that call. Children who asked for help are the bravest of them all.
The doctor's hand was holding a corner of the blanket, pulling it slowly to give Sunny a chance to move and stop her if he wanted to. But he didn't; the view that was offered to Jeanne did make a knot in her throat.
A crack had been formed, and now, it was spreading until the mask was destroyed.
In front of her was a child. Not the hard and somewhat cold-hearted kid that clashed with Ashe, but the child that was beneath all of this. There was no effort to hide anything, no fear of having it being used against him. No, just a sobbing child holding a pillow, trying to find comfort.
Here was the same kid that mourned for his mother every day. Missing her voice, her touch, and her beauty.
Sunny did not make eye contact with Jeanne; his shaking breath was giving him a hard time forming a sentence. But still, after a week of cold shoulder, he talked to her.
Incomprehensible wording, holding nothing logical, but she didn't urge him. It was hard, but her finger moved, followed by the rest of her hand as it started to pat his back in a slow circular movement. He did not reject her; on the contrary, it was making him even more vulnerable. Accepting it without hesitation.
-"Take your time… I'm here; I won't move…"
Her voice was cracking; this vision was not something that any parent should see. Even if it is not their own blood… It hurt as much.
-"I don't know… I-I don't know what to do… I… Rain… I need to save her… But…but… I…"
-"Mom told me once that… L-love was the best strength that someone could ask for… but… Did she die because she… Didn't love us enough? Or… Is it me? She died because I didn't love her enough…"
-"Now… M-My only family left… My sweet and innocent little sister... is with people that aren't even her family because of me… So… Why…"
-"W-Why should I be saved…? Be seen…? While she is suffering because of me…? I have let down everyone I cared for… I don't deserve to be here… W-What if it happens again? My place is in the—"
She knew this sensation too well; she had been living with it for 5 years now. But she wasn't alone while facing it; she had someone to tell her that she was wrong by thinking like this. Sunny? He had been alone against the world since his mother died, having to take care of his sister until she was adopted. With no one to tell him that he was not at fault, that he deserved to be loved.
Without much thinking, she took him in an embrace. He tried to leave it for a second, only to cry even more on her shoulder.
The warmth of another human being could do miracles, even melt the coldest of hearts. Jeanne was still silent, letting him finish what he had to cry, to scream, to murmur…
-"I-I don't want to go… I'm... I'm afraid, Jeanne…"
- "I know…"
-"But I ne…need to go back there…"
Sunny had forgotten the world around him, but it didn't mean that it was the same the other way around. Because standing at his doorstep was an elderly woman with a single, long, gray braided hair looking at him.
-"So why should you go back to this hell? Tell me, Sunless, what action did you do to punish yourself like this? Tell me, explain to me what you could have done differently."
Sunny looked at her in shock, while Jeanne slowly moved her head to look at the dean. She knew that she was out of line, but it was now or never if they wanted to talk to him. They had to beat the iron while it was still hot.
Ashe's voice was more than serious, as much as Sunny was with those feelings. And she respected that. He had gained her attention with all the seriousness she had in her. Going deep about himself was hard for the kid, but at least now she could act.
-"A seven-year-old boy, what could you have done to change your situation? Love is a strength; your mother was right on that. But that's not the type of strength that you use to break a tree in one move. It is not a blade, but it's the will to forge it. Isn't it by love that you survived these two years in the outskirts? Gaining strength from the love that you have for your sister Rain? And yet, you failed; you almost died."
The truth was hard to swallow.
-"To have the power of choice, you need more than love, Sunless. You need the strength to impose your will. There is no bad way to do so. By using your body as an unstoppable weapon by collecting secrets to use them as a wall to prevent people from taking action against you. Or, for Spell's sake, using money to corrupt people. Nobility is a choice that the weak don't have. It's an excuse for the strong to not act because of their cowardice."
But compared to the feeling of helplessness.
-"You want to help your sister. You need the strength to do so; now you have two options. You either stay with us and we train you, or you can return to the outskirts since you don't want to be saved."
It was nothing.
-"The choice is yours. Don't answer now. Wait a week to think about it; ask for others' opinions if you need to. But in the meantime, I… We want you to try, to give yourself a chance."
-"I know that you don't trust me or any other people here. But please, give us a chance to gain that trust. If you need time, we'll wait. Because we don't want to let you down. Jeanne doesn't want to, I don't want to, and the same goes for Plume and Dana… Just… Remember that when you're hurt, the people that cared for you will be hurt too…"
Without any word left to say, Ashe simply gave a last look to Jeanne, exchanging a nod before slowly closing the door. She could have tried to do more, to tell more, but overdoing it would be ineffective. The doctor was far better to take care of him, so now that her job was done, she could only let them stay alone.
Sunny had since stopped crying, holding the woman close to him. His whole being kept trembling, but the emptiness was now… cold, sharp. He was angry; what could he do by himself? The dean was right. And that—that was the thing that enraged him the most. This feeling that all his effort was for nothing, all this pain and solitude. All those nights alone in the dark, wishing himself a good night, in a foolish attempt to appease the heavy weight of his situation on himself. Useless because of his weakness.
He hated it.
He despised it.
-"Jeanne… Will I really die if I return there?"
The last push, the last straw, was waiting to be cut. A last hope to be at least right on one thing. That, at least, he could save himself in his state. That he was not that weak.
Jeanne took her time to respond, her hand passing through his messy hair. But she knew that she had to do it.
-"Yes. Toxic waste from the sewer… Long exposure weakened your body… Added to malnutrition… A little more time and your heart would not have been able to hold on and would have stopped beating. When I healed you… It was a gamble… I don't really heal; I accelerated your recovery… But the toll on the body can be heavy."
A moment of silence, as if she needed to process her next sentence.
-"Taking months of healing in one night… Your body almost collapsed on itself… I… That's why you needed that much time to recover. To be honest, you would need at least four more months of recovery for your heart to be back in a somewhat normal state. I had to stay awake to keep an eye on you… I was afraid that you might fall asleep and…"
No need to say more.
But if he was that much in trouble, why didn't they tell him that he needed five months to recover? No, he had the answer to that… at the end of the first month, after feeling like his body was in good shape, he would have tried to flee. They had bet that they could convince him to stay by himself…
A little chuckle followed by a dry laugh left his lips as he realized something…
-"Ashe is scary…"
-"Yes, she is… But she isn't someone bad… I just hope that you could one day see it like this… "
This old lady had predicted almost all his choices and reactions in advance. Giving a false impression of having control to let him make a choice by himself. Pushing her act to be the Grandma, only to step back. The way he wouldn't trust her, how he would try to escape after enough time, how to keep him from pushing himself… By using his own mind against him. All that for him to not throw his life away by being blinded by his goal.
He felt used, like his existence was a joke. But now, he had a glimpse of something…
-"I… I want to become like her…"
-"Tell me, Sunny… Why would you become like Ashe?"
-"She… is like… three steps ahead. If I prepare myself… can't I work my way out of the problem? No need for strength… if you don't have a problem…"
- "I see… I'm sure you can be like her…"
-"How can you be so sure, Jeanne…?"
-"Because, didn't she propose to train you?"
The rest became blurry as Sunny fell asleep in the doctor's arms… Yet, she didn't let go, still holding him in her embrace. Protecting him from the world by her presence. From her lips came a memory, a saying that came from the Outskirts, which was told to the orphan there.
-" "The weeping child shall be no more… For one must be dead to survive hell." With me… you can cry as much as you want, Sunless… With me, the child will never die... "
Cradling the kid in his sleep, the woman started to hum.
Hoping that her voice may soothe his slumber.