That day, Lucifer rebelled in Heaven, and our illustrious Adam was… on Earth, doing whatever nonsense he usually did.
According to the sacred texts, Lucifer was second only to God. Refusing to bow to God's son Adam, he led a third of the angels into rebellion during God's second slumber. Unfortunately, thanks to Adam's apple and careful persuasion—and a chain of unknown consequences—Comrade Lucifer rebelled earlier than planned, right at God's first rest. And even more unfortunately… God woke up.
Adam watched fallen angels rain down from the sky in disbelief. "Brother—why aren't you covering yourself?" he shouted, furrowing his brow. This was supposed to be a long war—why start off like this?
"No choice. God's awake. Take care of yourself! Come visit me if you can!" Lucifer called, disappearing into the ground.
"Curse you! Visiting me from Hell?!" Adam roared, half-angry, half-amused.
Soon, black-winged fallen angels poured from the clouds, plunging into the earth alongside Lucifer. The ground shook. In the sky, a massive magical sigil appeared.
"The Millennium Accord is struck!" a booming voice echoed across Heaven and Earth.
Adam had no clue what the Millennium Accord entailed. In reality, it was an agreement: Heaven and Hell would fight once every thousand years, and neither side could start a private war during that interval. But Adam had bigger problems—God had appeared, accompanied by a host of angels, including the long-admired Gabriel.
"What happened?" God's face was the same shade of green as last time.
"Uh…" Adam hadn't prepared. Panic set in.
"I suspect he conspired with Lucifer—otherwise, how else would he have apples?" Gabriel blurted, his sword still dripping golden and black blood.
Adam's mind clicked into gear. Humility time. He bowed, hands crossed over his chest, and said:"I admit I was once disrespectful. But it was only because I… truly love you. Love is innocent, my Lord. As for conspiring with Lucifer… you, of course, will judge that."
God blinked. Adam—Adam!—the one who dared call the Old Man by his first name, was now humbly speaking.
Baskets of apples were brought forth, one after another, dozens in all.
"All-powerful Lord! If you believe Lucifer stole these apples for me, punish me! I am guilty." Adam clasped his hands, internally thanking the centuries of Hollywood blockbusters that had trained him for this Oscar-worthy performance.
Gabriel and God were speechless. Even all the apples in Heaven wouldn't total this many. Adam noticed sweat forming on Gabriel's brow.
Finally, God said:"Gabriel, you've committed the Original Sin of suspicion. Lucifer could not have stolen all these apples. Adam, to clear your name, tell me—where did you get these apples?"
"Right this way, my Lord," Adam led God and the angels to the apple orchard.
Adam explained that he had secretly planted apple seeds when he first ate one. In truth? Not a chance—how could he have known God would uproot the tree? But the explanation sufficed; God was used to Adam's creativity.
Meanwhile, many fallen angels who had crashed during Lucifer's rebellion were obviously not colluding with him. The 'explosive-induced amnesia' suffered by the fallen angels? Purely an accidental side effect of humanity's 'warm welcome'.
As for humans who had eaten apples? God could do nothing. Expelling them from Eden? Disasters? These humans could survive outside Eden and even blow up immortal angels. Better to let them be.
According to scripture, eating the apple marked humanity's departure from divine guidance. With knowledge and desire, humans became the prize over which Lucifer and God would contend.
"Now, my Lord, the misunderstanding is cleared. I have one more request—could you create females for us, so humanity may propagate?"
Women! Adam's eyes sparkled as he glanced at Gabriel—who blushed furiously.
"All right. Time to provide a companion," God said after brief thought.
And so humanity slept. When they awoke, God had fashioned women from Adam's rib—one for each man. Eve, of course, went to our hero Adam.
The humans now had partners. The population could finally grow beyond two thousand and one.
Meanwhile, Adam had bigger problems: tens of thousands of angels in the sky, tens of thousands of demons underground. Angels urged virtue; demons tempted vice. Humans? Just over four thousand. Chaos ensued.
Every human now met multiple angels and demons daily. Saints became devils; devils became saints at dizzying speeds.
Lucifer and God's incarnations often came seeking Adam.
"Two's company, three's a crowd, but four is a party. Someone go fetch Gabriel so we can start the poker game!" Adam quipped, stone-faced amid the chaos.
※※※
The first Angelic War ended with hundreds of thousands of angels fallen, becoming demons. Heaven and Hell made a thousand-year war pact. Both sides were immortal. Anger unending, they competed for humanity.
Humans, possessing body, soul, and spirit, were caught in the crossfire—a valuable but weak prize.
Adam, ever busy, juggled daily visitors seeking guidance: angels for virtue, demons for forbidden knowledge. He was practically a master teacher to demons.
This chaotic arrangement quickly required moderation. God and Lucifer agreed to send only 200 representatives each, and no human could be harassed continuously. Adam, ever human-centric, called it harassment.
At last, Adam's ears enjoyed peace—at least for a few days between rotations.
And now, our focus turns to Eve, beautiful, clever, gentle, dignified, and elegant—crafted from Adam's rib.
God had altered her hair and eyes at Adam's request. Adam's temptation was overwhelming, but we'll skip the sensitive bits here.