Kazuto, Lira, and Selene had barely finished breakfast when a town crier ran through the streets shouting:
"Bandits! Bandits on the trade road to Westbridge! Merchants missing! Travelers warned!"
Kazuto froze. "Finally. Something to do."
"Yes," Lira said, "finally, an actual hook. Try not to die."
Oh, don't worry, I muttered. Death is optional today. Embarrassment is mandatory.
Selene adjusted her glasses, which made her eyes nearly vanish in the morning sun. "I'll need time to prepare. And quiet. And a clear line of sight. And preferably a soft cushion for proper posture during casting."
"…We don't have that," Kazuto said.
Exactly, I said. This is going poorly already.
The trio reached the road in question. Smoke curled faintly in the distance. A merchant caravan lay toppled, carts overturned, goods strewn everywhere.
"And that's our cue," Lira said.
Kazuto gripped his iron sword. "Right. Let's move."
A rustle from the trees. Leaves snapped. Something large moved in the shadows.
From the brush emerged… not just one bandit. Not three. But a heavily armored man, far larger than any of the usual cannon fodder, wielding a wicked-looking axe. His armor gleamed, but not tastefully—just enough to make him look serious.
Kazuto gulped. "He looks… big."
Understatement of the century, I said.
The bandit raised his axe. "Intruders. Interferers. Annoyances. I will enjoy this."
Lira whispered, "That's a lot of adjectives. And I think he's exaggerating."
Selene muttered something under her breath, fingers tracing a rune in the air. "…If I skip a single step, it will be very bad."
Yes, Selene, I agreed. But you always skip a step anyway.
The fight began.
Kazuto charged. Sword wobbled. The axe swung. He barely dodged, rolling to the side.
Lira moved fluidly, dagger flashing. She struck at the bandit, but he parried with the edge of his axe, ignoring physics in a way I found mildly irritating.
Selene raised her staff. "Do not move!" she commanded in her high, scholarly voice. Then began the chant.
Ah yes, I said. She's going full-ritual. Prepare for waiting.
Kazuto groaned. "Do I just… wait?"
Yes. And panic. Always panic.
The bandit swung. Lira flipped aside, slicing lightly at the edges of his armor. The iron sword did slightly less than nothing.
Selene completed the first step of her spell. "…Second step," she whispered, glasses reflecting sunlight like twin moons of judgment.
Kazuto muttered, "This is going slowly."
"Too slowly," Lira added. "You've got to buy her time."
And so begins the "stall for the slow mage" battle trope, I said. Predictable, but at least it's mildly entertaining.
Finally, after several seconds that felt like an eternity, Selene finished chanting. A glowing bolt of fire shot from her staff, hitting the bandit's chest. The impact sent him staggering.
Kazuto charged. Sword connected. The bandit roared and fell to one knee.
Lira landed a precise strike on his shoulder, and the bandit finally dropped his axe. Smoke rose from his armor where Selene's fire had scorched it.
Kazuto exhaled. "We… won?"
"Technically," Lira said. "We survived and the enemy isn't moving toward murder anymore."
Selene blinked behind her glasses. "…Efficiency is acceptable."
Yes, yes, I muttered. They've survived. No one is dead yet. I'm proud. Kind of.
Afterward, the merchants groaned in relief and handed over a small pouch of coins as thanks. Kazuto looked at it skeptically.
"…That's it?"
"Early-game economy," Lira said. "Don't get used to it being fair."
Selene adjusted her glasses again. "…Next time, I may require a chair to sit while casting. This standing business is suboptimal."
Kazuto groaned. "Every time we fight, it's like babysitting her."
Correct, I said. And yes, that is part of the humor of this chapter.
They walked back to Westbridge, tired, slightly singed, and with bruised egos intact. The plot had moved. A threat had appeared and been neutralized. The world felt vaguely more real.
And I, the narrator, felt slightly more justified in my existence.