I remained sunken into the sofa as Chace pulled up a chair and placed it right in front of me. I looked at him for a long time and felt that I had to do it—now, in this very moment. My eyes welled up just thinking about it.
"—You want to tell me something, Theo. Something is troubling you; I can see it. Tell me what it is."
"You know, I just... I just..." I stopped for a few seconds. I had to control myself; I couldn't break down yet. "I just... wish I didn't love you so much. I wish I didn't have you so deep inside of me, that I didn't make you a priority in my life... Because now... now it's going to be so hard for me. Now I'm going to cry for days. Now I'm going to be miserable because I have all these inexplicable feelings for you. Now... after almost two years, I've become addicted to you, and I know it's wrong. Not addicted to what you are now... but to what you were. To that Chace I could say, without fear of being wrong, loved me. But I can't say that anymore, because I'm not sure of anything. We were stable, but suddenly we collapsed. Suddenly our feelings don't matter. Suddenly we're just two people who have to see each other sometimes."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"I... I am..." I couldn't finish the sentence.
"Tell me," he said, leaving the chair to kneel in front of me, resting his arms on my knees.
"I... I'm breaking up with you, Chace. I don't want to continue with you anymore."
Silence.
...
"No."
"What?"
"No, we aren't breaking up, Theo."
"No, Chace, no... you can't go into denial now. Don't you see? Don't you see that our relationship isn't the same? That things have crumbled? Don't you see it?" I asked, looking deep into those brown eyes.
"Do you think all relationships are perfect, Theo?" he asked impassively. "No. People fight for their relationships. Just because things got ugly doesn't mean we're going to end it. We have to fight," he said confidently.
"And you think I haven't been trying? You think I haven't been fighting? I've been fighting immensely for our relationship—and I've been doing it alone. Because you're never present, you never want to talk, you act like you don't even care. You're here with me now, but at the same time, it feels like you aren't. And you want to talk to me about effort?"
"I care about you, Theo, so much... I know I disappear sometimes, but if I tell you... I'll worry you, and I don't want that."
"Do you think sending me a message once a week asking if everything is okay is 'caring,' Chace? Do you think by hiding things from me you're doing me a favor? That you're doing me good? No, not at all." I started to get angry with him. "You were supposed to tell me things the same way I do. We were supposed to always be there for each other. It was supposed to be me and you, always. It was supposed to be 'Us against the world,' but it was always just me and you in your world. Chace, look at me," I said, forcing his eyes to meet mine. "Without trust, the relationship cannot survive. Love doesn't exist."
He didn't answer.
"And you've been lying to me. But when you lie, I don't get angry or sad—I get disappointed. And do you want to know why? Because you promised me honesty above everything, above all things, and you did the complete opposite. You became just like the others. But I don't blame you. 'Promises were made to be broken'—isn't that what people say?" I asked ironically.
He looked at me, perplexed and confused.
"I have my demons, Theo. There are things that can't be said... you wouldn't understand."
"But it's not up to you to decide if I'll understand or not. It's not up to you to decide if I'll be okay or worried. If we're together, it's to share our pains and our joys, and you took that away from me," I said, breathless.
"You don't understand, Theo," he huffed sarcastically.
"You don't talk, Chace!" I said, exhausted.
"Why didn't you do this before? How long have you wanted to tell me these things that are bothering you?"
I wasn't expecting that question.
"It doesn't matter, Chace."
"It matters to me."
"Six months."
"You've been martyring yourself with this for six months, and you say we should go through things together?" he asked sarcastically.
"I stopped telling you things when you started acting like an absent son of a bitch."
He looked away.
"I'm sorry," he said after minutes of silence. "I just... I don't know what happened... I..."
"Why apologize if you aren't sorry?"
"I didn't know we were this bad. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect, but I didn't think we were this bad. Everyone has their ups and downs; we could overcome this," he said, eyes downcast.
"But we were."
"It was never my intention to hurt you... never. It never occurred to me that this could happen. I thought... I thought everything was fine, that we were going to... that we..." He couldn't finish his sentence.
"Maybe it's better this way. I'll grow, you'll grow, we'll grow," I said, my eyes welling up.
"You're breaking up with me because you think I've changed, but I haven't... but that doesn't matter now. Because I'm going to win back what I lost. That passion that you think no longer exists? I'm going to bring it back. I own my mistakes, I don't deny committing them, and I am so sorry for making you suffer. It was never my intention. But I'm going to show you that I haven't changed. I've always been here and I'm going to stay, for you."
"Chace..."
"It can't end like this."
He stood up, squeezed my hands gently, and left.
So, this was the so-called end.