"Would it kill you to put on some makeup? Most girlfriends at least try to look nice when their boyfriends come home."
I feel my shoulders tense as I stare at the stack of past due notices piled on our kitchen table. "We can barely make rent this month," I whisper.
"Even the checkout girl at the convenience store manages to do a full face," he scoffs, yanking open the fridge with a force that rattles the shelves. The stale smell of leftover takeout wafts out, mingling with the damp mustiness of our basement apartment. "Stop with the excuses. You're just lazy."
I touch my bare face, feeling the tiny bumps along my jawline. A decent foundation alone costs forty bucks now. money we don't have. I can't remember the last time he spent even a dollar on me.
It's ironic, really… how he wouldn't give me a dollar if I asked.
"You make me look bad," he mutters, eyes flicking over me with disgust, "walking around looking like that."
I glance around our cramped space, at the water stain spreading across the ceiling, and the bucket to collect the leaks from the ceiling. Our relationship had become just like this apartment - damp, moldy, and crumbling from the inside out. We had passion once, I still remember his hands trembling as he slid that plastic ring on my finger 9 years ago, promising to marry me one day and give me the life I deserved.
But that disappeared faster than the cheap perfume he used to buy me.
Was it time that aged me, carving those lines around my eyes? Or the endless shifts at the diner, feet throbbing and back aching as I served drunk strangers? Or was it my emptying bank account, drained by bills that never stopped coming?
"Great," Cal sighs, slamming the refrigerator door. "Now I don't even feel like eating."
I stare at my reflection in the microwave door, distorted and dim. did my beauty fade because of you, Cal? Or do I only have myself to blame for choosing to love you in the first place, for clinging to a promise that turned to dust?
***
"whoa… what's all this? Grill stall on weekday afternoons, motel front desk on weekends, Convenience store in the mornings and the library opening shift in the nights… what the hell! Are you a robot or something?"
"Enough gawking." I tie my apron, the fabric stiff from too many washes. "Help me set up. We open in five."
"see? even now, you're only thinking about work! Are you already planning for your NPC era? "
"My what?"
She blinks. "huh…? you don't know what NPC means ?"
"no."
"dang… did you spend your entire life working or what?"
"yes."
Almost every second of my life was spent working once i became an adult. I had never taken breaks, even when I got sick. Cal and i was scrambling to build a life together, we had a plan and no support from family… and then…
*10 years ago*
"Lori… i'm so sorry. i just wanted to give you a good life, i swear… but…"
"how much?"
"huh…?"
"how much money are you owing them?"
"Are you not pissed off at me? Hit me if you want to… I know I don't deserve you. I know you hate me so much right now."
I wasn't particularly distraught when i was faced with the amount of debt he had took with my signature I trusted him with. Then, there was still hope.
So i figured we'd pay it off eventually if i worked hard enough on my part. but… he always got into fights that always led to him being sacked in less than three months so he never really contributed.
The weight of the debt rested heavily on only me. On most nights, I'd cry myself , even when my whole body ached, I hid it because I didn't want Cal to feel burdened by me… On some days I'd comfort myself with the hope that one day we would finally be free and happy again.
But over time, the weight of his debt only grew bigger and his love smaller.
"welcome in!"
"it's the Book hottie!" Tia whispers to me, a little too loudly.
"…?"
"he's just a really hot guy who comes in a to return a book and borrow another one every single night. Can I take his order this once, pretty pleaseee…?"
"go ahead."
"thanks!!" She says giggling like a child.
well… they would look good together as a couple.
"hello! what book would you like to take with you today?"
"sorry..? His gaze shifts past her, locking onto me. "Could you attend to me, please?"
"Me…?" I glance back, half expecting someone else behind the counter.
"Yes, you." He says, his eyes not leaving mine.
So much for just a really hot guy. Weirdo, more like.
"From the same section as usual?" I ask, already reaching for the scanner.
"yes. you remembered…"
"Here are the books you requested." I say, passing them onto him. His eyes never left mine, it made me feel queasy on the inside.
Why did he stare so much… is that not a rude thing..?
For the past three months, ever since I started here, he came in every night. And every night, I was the one ringing him up. I never thought it was a coincidence, maybe because he lingered in my mind at a time when I couldn't afford to think about anything except work and Cal.
"oh my gosh!! did you see how he asked you to attend to him, when i was literally standing right there?!" she says, lowering her voice but failing to hide her excitement. "it was like he didn't even notice me!"
She bounces on her toes, eyes lighting like an idea just popped off in her head. "okay, hear me out. i think you're the reason he keeps coming here."
"please…"
"anyway.…he's totally into you."
"don't be silly. let's get back to work." i adjust the stack of books on the counter, sliding one into place.
"i'm being serious! he was staring at you the entire time he was in here!"
"He's got to be at least ten years younger than me…"
"so…"
"so he's basically a kid. why would he have a crush on an old lady like me?"
"no, no! nowadays, a lot of young guys go for older women!" She waves a hand dismissively. "And what makes you think he's not interested in you?"
"I mean, you're beautiful I swear, I don't know any other woman in her thirties who's this pretty. "
"right…" I let out a deep breath, silently praying she would let it go.
"oh, come on. Maybe it's because you always wear the same outfit and never put on makeup you don't see it, but you're like, a solid ten out of ten! Hasn't anyone ever told you that?"
Tia did tell me i was pretty, every chance she got. but it was more awkwardly-embarrassing than anything else, because i knew she was just trying to lighten up the mood…but I was just an old and stale woman.
In a way, it was ironic that the only person who ever complimented me was Tia…and not the man i had been with for 13 years.
"come on, just give him a shot! you two would be so adorable together—"
"i'm taken."
"huh?!! R-really?!"
"yes."
"i had no idea! why didn't you say? oh, wow… this is new…. I mean, it tracks. i figured you were super popular…"
"so… pleaseee tell me… what's he like?" she perches on the edge of the desk with her chin in her hands, grinning from ear to ear.