Chapter 35: The Price of Howard's Collection
Howard wailed, "That's not all! If I want my allowance restored in three months, I have to follow my mother's demands: I must clean every window in the house, inside and out, until they sparkle—even the tiny, decade-old dust-covered window in the garage!
I also have to sort through all the expired TV Guide magazines she's hoarded in the attic, arranging them by year and month, claiming she wants to sell them to nostalgia collectors... I feel like my hands, these hands used to operate precision instruments and design space station equipment, are about to be corrupted by cleaning solutions and piles of old paper!"
He suddenly lifted his head, sweeping his hopeful gaze over every friend present, his voice pleading. "Guys! You can't just stand by and watch me suffer! You have to help me this time! This weekend! Just this weekend! Come to my house and help me finish these awful chores! I'll buy you pizza! The kind with extra everything!"
The moment he finished speaking, he was met with four simultaneous, unequivocal rejections:
"No!"
"Not happening!"
"Absolutely not."
"Proposal rejected. It lacks rationality and appeal."
Howard's face instantly collapsed. He tried to argue, "Hey! Aren't we friends? Have some compassion!"
Leonard crossed his arms. "Helping you clean out your mother's TV Guide hoard? Howard, that goes beyond normal friendship—that enters 'blood brother' territory."
Raj chimed in, "Plus, who knows what's hiding in those magazines... probably spiders or worse..."
Sheldon added, "Furthermore, 'pizza with extra everything' is a vague and subjective concept that cannot be quantified, making it insufficient for equivalent exchange."
Howard looked at his "heartless" companions, gritted his teeth, and seemed to make a huge decision, his voice trembling. "Fine! Fine! You vultures! I... I'll give each of you one item from my personal collection!...Of course, not those 'special items' in my nightstand drawer!" He emphasized this point and drew the line.
The proposal made the air silent for a second.
Raj's eyes lit up first, and he eagerly spoke. "I want your out-of-print Babylon 5 Shadow Fighter model with the light-up feature and interchangeable parts!"
Howard gasped as if stabbed. "No! Absolutely not! That's a limited edition of 500 San Diego Comic-Con exclusive! I waited in line for six hours to buy it! Dream on!" He shook his head vigorously and then tentatively suggested, "...I can trade you that equally out-of-print but slightly more common Doctor Who TARDIS alarm clock?"
Raj pouted, clearly dissatisfied, but seeing Howard's near-tears expression and considering the TARDIS alarm clock was still pretty cool, he reluctantly grunted, "...Fine, the TARDIS alarm clock. But it has to actually work!"
Leonard immediately made his demand. "Then I want your copy of Action Comics #800, the one signed by the artist."
Howard looked as if he'd been stabbed in the heart. "Leonard! That's one of my prized possessions! You're ripping my heart out!" He protested in anguish, then managed to squeeze out a flattering smile, "Look... I have a brand-new, first-print set of The Dark Knight Returns, mint condition. How about that? You know that's worth serious money too!"
Leonard stroked his chin and considered it. The first-print edition of The Dark Knight Returns was indeed solid; although it couldn't compare to the signed Action Comics, its collectible value was still high, and he wanted it. He nodded. "...Deal. But you have to throw in that replica Firefly cast-signed poster."
Howard winced painfully, but to escape the cleaning servitude, he reluctantly agreed, "...Fine! Take it!"
When it was Sheldon's turn, he rubbed his hands together with a smile he didn't even realize he had, saying, "I want that first edition Star Trek Technical Manual you own, the one printed in 1975 with slight cover wear but intact pages." That was an item in Howard's collection Sheldon had coveted for ages.
Howard was stunned, not having expected Sheldon to ask for that. He was extremely reluctant. "The Starfleet insignia section in that book is essential for detailing my Enterprise model... Uh, how about I trade you the expanded edition of the Dune Encyclopedia plus a complete set of The Flash graphic novels?" He tried to compensate with volume.
Sheldon replied expressionlessly, "No. I already own many Flash comics. The content of the Star Trek Technical Manual has specific reference value. Alternatively, you can keep it, and I will keep my weekend."
Howard looked at Sheldon's uncompromising gaze, knowing the guy was serious, and could only sigh, "...Fine, the manual is yours. You better take care of it!"
Finally, it was David's turn. He smiled, looking at Howard's near-bankrupt state, and made a relatively "merciful" request. "I'll just take that unopened, limited edition Team Fortress 2 collectible figure set."
Howard breathed a sigh of relief. Compared to the previous "bandits," David was practically a saint. Although he liked the figure set, it wasn't irreplaceable. "No problem! David, you're the best!" He agreed hastily, afraid David might change his mind.
And just like that, a collection redemption agreement based on Howard's "painful sacrifice" and his friends' "precision strikes" was reached.
Howard looked at the four companions who'd instantly transformed into shrewd negotiators, wearing a mournful expression, as if he could already see his beloved treasures being moved out of his room one by one.
He complained bitterly, "You highway robbers... Saturday, 9 AM sharp, don't be late! Finish early so you can take my 'ransom' and get out! And David, don't forget you promised to take me to visit Polaris..."
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