The general had put out the red carpet for the chopper. A row of ceremonial soldiers saluted, then in unison, played their trumpets.
A massive american flag flew overhead.
John waved to the crowd of reporters and onlookers. "Thank you! Thank you all!" He pointed to someone in the crowd "Hey, merry Christmas!"
"It's July 4th John." Chad politely reminded him.
"Oh aha!" he laughed "Happy fourth!" He gave a thumbs up, nodding.
The general gestured invitingly. "This way John. We have a limousine ready to take you home."
John walked over and got in. The general held the door, "Thank you for your service son. God bless you." He said, shutting the door and cuffing the roof twice.
The driver stepped on the gas pedal. The tires spun in place, then the car sped forward, out of the airport – and into San de Union, the capital of the free world.
"Soft piano playlist, activate."
He pulled his phone out. Checking his upgrade timers, then the weather app, then he scrolled for a while.
"Welcome home sir."
The car stopped and a maid opened the door. "Mr. Ironfuck, welcome back."
"Thank you, Elizabeth."
"Well of course sir." She bowed slightly. "And how can I accommodate you?"
John Ironfuck thought for a moment, "well," he said, trailing for a moment.
"Please prepare two PB&J's and cut the crusts off." He thought, "and a cup of milk." He added.
"Well okay John, I'll have that prepared for you."
"Why thank you miss Elizabeth." He jogged up to the front door and immediately made a 90-degree turn into the house.
"First, I'll slay on the guitar!"
Inside the Ironfuck Manor, there was a plethora of novelties. One such was a band room with John's most favorite guitar's, drum sets - all his cool speakers and music posters. This was the music room. And if someone pulled up a poster – specifically the Village People poster, it would reveal a red button. If you pressed that button, a wall would flip, revealing a piano.
"Hey yeah, come on baby!" John slung on a guitar and just started ripping Cliffs of Dover like a total badass.
His fingers were moving fast as shit "Hell yeah man!" he deftly reached out and snagged a Sprite from a sneaky minifridge.
Then he started absolutely destroying Eruption.
|Give us John|
II
A snowy mountain in the far east. A panda rubbed Its back against the trunk of a Cherry Blossom. Inside a massive fortified strategic pagoda compound, A man in a red military suit paced his office. A Chinese officer stood at rapt attention, awaiting acknowledgement.
The officer had entered the office, thirty minutes prior. He had been standing at attention ever since – till even now. His feet were aching. His knees – oh long gone man, calcified probably.
|Give u|s John|
IV
In the cramped jungles of Junglistan, Juan Carcrash, Brazilian Supreme Renegrenadier – clocked in on the job.
"Ey el command, you getting this?" He nodded at the rebel Junglistani training camp. "I should light up all these foo's, no?"
"Si senor Carcrash, smoke them dudes."
"Ey sup dudes!" with AK in hand, he slung down a vine, right into the middle of the training camp.
V
Hey! That was my pre-write. What the actual hell man.
VI
A hand pierces the Universal Veil. Send us John.
VI
Woah, not cool. That did not happen. Like, what would that even mean dude? John doesn't want to go anywhere.
God damn, now we're back here again.
Anyways…
Yes, there he sat, still as a bowl, or a mouse?
Um?
"Still as a mouse under a microscope." The officer said, then clutched his mouth, flinching.
Oh fuck.
"The domineering Chinese General turned around. He was known as "The Red Shadow". His eyebrow rose as he looked side long at the impudent officer.
"What did you say just now? I heard you speak American."
No, no, man I'm new to this. Why do I always fuck this shit up? I bet if I had, oh I don't know – 2.8 million years' worth of experience, it'd be easy for me too.
A man in a green suit – yes, it was green. He was pacing around in his Chinese office. He smoked a cigar, and observed a painting. "Just beautiful how he crossed the Delaware." He wiped a genuine tear of admiration from his cheek.
The soldier who had been standing in the room shifted his foot and checked his watch. "Right sir." He shrugged. "About the guy - why him? For what?
"Because he must become Ren," he said. "And he must become Dao of the Tao," He pointed and then spat, "with the chow" for some reason.
He flicked his baseball cap, smirking like he knew a silly secret.
"Yes sir! As you command." the soldier saluted, then ran in some direction.
The floor was concrete. Sharp footsteps could be heard, clicks echoing in the halls. An officer marched into the office in a flawless white uniform. He was carrying a briefcase. "General." He said, opening the case, displaying hundreds of dollars' worth in cash.
The front of the case had a large dollar sign on it, as well as a cross and bones sign. It also had a sign of
"Thank you, son," Buck Hardman said, grinning ear to ear, he looked like a shark and that kind of scared the officer, but he hid it well.
Buck pressed his hand into the officer's shoulder, pointing at the door. "Go along now."
The officer bowed, "Yes sir."
Buck pressed his hand to his ear. "Radio check. Major? Report."
VThe radio operator saw a light shine out Ifrom space, and he gained knowledge.
"We need to get John." He picked up his radio.
A hand pierces the veil and God Emperor Yong Die Yan Di enters the UniverseI
VIII
Strange, I don't remember scene breaking?
We're still here.
"Shit" Buck said. There was a voice, but it was heavily scrambled. He had to get a better signal.
Buck pressed his fingers to his lips and whistled sharply.
A screech echoed from down a hallway. An eagle rounded the corner, scratching the walls as it flew into his embrace. "Eaglo!"
"Caw-caw!" it said, wrapping it's arms around him."
Buck Hardman pressed his finger to ear and spoke softly. "Who's this speaking on this radio?"
"This is Major Joseph Smith" His voice was calm, "I respect your intelligence Mr. Hardman. I just had a recent report come in from Portal Tech Unit 2"
"Go ahead son" Buck said.
"The planar gate is stable, but we've diverted power from emergency sources. Several cities have lost power. Again, the gate is stable."
"Wait, a plane-a-who?"
"Don't worry about it sir. We've got to extract a target and bring it from one place to another.
"Well okay Joseph go ahead and write a check mark on my Bingo card. I'll be on my way."
He unhugged Eaglo, then looked seriously towards the sky. He looked really handsome. "I wouldn't want to be the guy who messed with me." He said, laughing with a rueful smile.
"You think?" Joseph said, allowing a polite chuckle to escape his controlled state of being.
Buck Hardman pulled a set of car keys out of his pocket, pressing them twice, it beeped and then screeching to a stop came his Flying Atomic Motorcycle.
Rolling the throttle twice, the engine roared to life, fire flared out the exhaust pipe.
"Routing the address and portfolio to your comms now, sir."
He twisted the bike around, leaving a black scorch mark on the concrete. Yipping away, Buck pressed his finger to his ear. "En route to military grade capture point"
"A-okay over here. Yeah, I've seen that guy's work. He's got potential." Joseph hummed politely.
"How much is a little snot drinker like that worth?" He asked.
"That chub?" Buck giggled. "Oh, I don't know. Bout' six or seven dollars."
"Oh yeah? That'll set you up. Man could live a good life on that much."
"I thought so too – realistic if living humbly.
"Right." Joseph said.
"Oh, okay Major Smith, I see the mansion. - Wait," he paused, staring at the house.
"No. It's clear, I just had to fart."
"Yes sir."
Buck jumped down, then sneakily approached the front door of the mansion. With a quick turn of the doorknob, he was in.
Damn. John was good with the guitar, Buck noticed. "That's fucking badass dude." Buck mumbled.
Buck put aside his emotions and walked past the coat room. The room was surprisingly small, he noted.
He turned into the next closest room, closer to where he could hear John playing.
Once he got there, he paused, then cursed. For whatever reason, John had installed a massive roller coaster tube system that connected every other room in the house. So basically, you walk in, hang up your coat, then go and jump in a hole.
There were like, dozens of fucking holes he could jump into.
"Which fuckin' hole is it?" Buck thought.
"Damn!" Buck cursed, taking his badass $499.99 CompressCorp helmet off. He pulled a shotgun out of the sack and pumped it. "I'm coming for you John Ironfuck!" and he jumped down a pipe.
III
John laughed as Elizabeth applauded his performance. He turned the game off.
"I'm glad you're having fun John. Here are your sandwiches."
"Nuclear bike detected." A monotone robot voice said. An alarm went off.
"Oh shit! John said, open that closet door and get the missile launcher" John said, scrambling up from the couch, diving across the room.
This was his music room, so he had limited munitions here.
Bullets flew through the wall as Buck opened fire throughout the house as he tumbled down a chute.
John guessed where he was then shot back, but none of the bullets hit Buck.
Buck started firing back but somehow his bullets knew where to go!
Ouch! John yelped.
"Oh crap! Every man for himself!" John said, grabbing a go bag next to the door."
"Valhalla!" He yelled, sprinting and jumping through a window – backflipping across a hedge.
Buck was right behind him. He'd jumped out a window too!
John hurrahed with all the courage he could muster, then pointed his guns at Buck Hardman.
John knew this man. Hell, he'd grown up listening to stories of him. This man was a famous Navy Seal. Trained by John Shotgun, patron saint of close combat.
John knew this was it.
"Come here boy!" Buck said. Blasting the guitar, then the gun out from John's hand. His motorcycle came crashing into the ground – maybe it malfunctions?
"Oh god damn it, there goes my ride, John…" He pointed, "John Whateverthefuck." He headbutted John to the ground, he pointed a finger at Elizabeth, who had appeared helplessly.
Bucks finger turned into a finger gun.
"You got something to say, girl?" He rolled his tongue in his mouth. Elizabeth quivered slightly. "Please! I've got a dog!"
"Good, somewhere to send the bones." Buck pressed his thumb to his pointer finger and made a clicking noise with his tongue.
A crack echoed through the air, bouncing off of distant mountains.
Elizabeth shouted in pain as a hole ripped through her chest. "Oh," she cried, "you've killed me!"
"Yes." Buck said. "I've killed you till you are dead" he said menacingly.
Buck Hardman grabbed John Ironfuck by the scruff of his neck. "Come on small fry. Your ass is going to LaLa land."
"We're doing a prisoner exchange and I have the coordinates here."
John snored into Buck's hand. He was out cold.
"Eeugh." Buck shook his head, going back into the mansion, finding his motorcycle. "God damn, all this work." Buck said.
He dragged the dang ol thing outta the house and sat it upright. Then, he took a seat and slapped the side of the engine a few times. "Right as rain." He said, happy with his girl.
He carried John all the way to the exchange point. "There were two guards on the other end. Their eyes were thin. Why is that? He thought, as he pressed John through the other side.
"I'm thirsty. I could go for a $1.99 Founding Fizz." He told them, smiling strangely.
"If it's liquid you want, perhaps this will satisfy your thirst, sir." One pulled out a flask with an amber gold liquid.
"Thousand-sun divine elixir, this will transform your-"
"Not a fan of orange. Got anything red, white, and blue?"
They scoffed. Pulling a glass bottle out. It was small, and swirled with red, white and blue. Stars even sparkled from within. "Liquid freedom." His eyes glowed.
"With this," he intoned, "The western world can sleep safely tonight." Then he uncorked it and drank it whole, burping.
"Just let me know who's next." He said, turning away.