A psychological–emotional novel
PROLOGUE...
Kuch log duniya me aise hote hain
jo bheed ka hissa hote hue bhi
bheed me shamil nahi hote.
Unki hansi sunai deti hai,
par yaad nahi rehti.
Unki aankhein dekhti hain,
par koi unhe dekh nahi pata.
Main unhi logon me se ek thi.
Aur ye kahani us din se shuru hoti hai
jab mujhe pehli baar ehsaas hua
ki shayad main hamesha se invisible nahi thi…
shayad mujhe invisible banaya gaya tha.
Woh Ladki Jo Beech Me Thi**
Meri life ka sabse ajeeb sach ye hai
ki main hamesha beech me rahi.
Na sabse aage,
na sabse peeche.
Beech me —
jahan se koi yaad nahi rakhta.
School ke corridors roz awaazon se bhare hote the.
Lockers band hone ki awaaz,
jooton ki tez footsteps,
haste hue groups.
Aur un sab ke beech
main dheere chalti thi.
Itni dheere
ki kabhi-kabhi mujhe lagta
agar main ruk jaaun
toh shayad koi notice bhi na kare.
Attendance me mera naam liya jata.
Main "present" bolti.
Teacher tick laga dete.
Bas.
Jaise meri zimmedari sirf itni hi ho —
exist karna.
Main hamesha middle bench par baithti thi.
Ye jagah mujhe safe lagti thi.
Yahan na teacher ki seedhi nazar padti,
na classmates ki zyada curiosity.
Main dekh sakti thi sabko.
Par koi mujhe nahi dekhta tha.
Ek din meri class me ek naya student aaya.
Sab uski taraf dekh rahe the.
Teacher ne introduction karwaya.
Uski awaaz confident thi.
Woh aakar mere bagal wali seat par baith gaya.
Usne mujhe dekha aur poocha,
"Tumhara naam?"
Main thodi der chup rahi.
Jaise confirm kar rahi hoon
ki sawal sach me mujhse hi poocha gaya hai.
"Mera—"
meri awaaz nikli hi thi
ki teacher ne board par kuch likhna shuru kar diya.
Us ladke ka dhyaan udhar chala gaya.
Usne dobara kabhi nahi poocha.
Us moment me mujhe samajh aaya —
meri baatein aksar shuru hone se pehle hi
kisi aur cheez me dab jaati hain.
Break time me main canteen ke bahar khadi hoti.
Log circles bana kar baat karte.
Haste.
Plans banate.
Main paas hi hoti,
par unki duniya me meri jagah nahi hoti.
Kabhi-kabhi main jaan-bujh kar chup rehti thi.
Kabhi-kabhi main bolna chahti thi.
Par har baar ek hi cheez hoti —
meri baat hawa me ghul jaati.
Ghar par bhi kuch alag nahi tha.
Sab log saath hote the.
TV chal raha hota.
Phones baj rahe hote.
Par jab main kuch kehna chahti,
toh ya toh koi beech me bol deta,
ya meri baat sunai hi nahi deti.
Dheere-dheere maine seekh liya
ki chup rehna kam painful hota hai
bolne ke baad ignore hone se.
Raat ko jab main akeli hoti,
toh mujhe lagta
meri life ek aisi kitab hai
jo likhi ja rahi hai
par koi padh nahi raha.
Ek din school me notice board par ek list lagi.
Top students.
Participants.
Special achievers.
Mera naam kahin nahi tha.
Main zyada der tak wahan khadi rahi.
Jaise kisi galti ka intezaar kar rahi hoon
jo abhi sudhar jaayegi.
Tabhi peeche se ek awaaz aayi,
"Tum hamesha yahin hoti ho."
Main mud kar dekhi.
Ek ladki thi —
meri hi class ki.
Uski awaaz me koi taana nahi tha.
Maine poocha,
"Matlab?"
Usne kaha,
"Tum dikhai kam deti ho."
Bas itna keh kar woh chali gayi.
Par woh sentence
mere andar kahin chipak gaya.
Tum dikhai kam deti ho.
Us raat main so nahi paayi.
Maine apni diary kholi.
Diary wo jagah thi
jahan main invisible nahi thi.
Maine likha:
"Shayad main waqai kisi ko nazar nahi aati."
Likh kar meri pen ruk gayi.
Kya ye sach tha?
Ya main khud ko convince kar rahi thi?
Agle din teacher ne ek question poocha.
Mujhe answer aata tha.
Poora.
Mera haath aadha utha…
phir ruk gaya.
Kisi aur ne answer diya.
Teacher ne tareef ki.
Main khidki ke bahar dekhne lagi.
Us shaam ghar aakar
mujhe ek purana school bag mila.
Usme ek folded kagaz tha.
Maine use khola.
Sirf ek line likhi thi —
meri handwriting me:
"Ek din main bolungi."
Mujhe yaad nahi tha
maine ye kab likha.
Par mujhe itna pata tha —
ye sirf ek sentence nahi tha.
Ye ek promise tha
jo maine khud se tod diya tha.
Aur us raat mujhe pehli baar laga
meri kahani me kuch aisa hai
jo mujhe yaad nahi…
par jo meri poori life ko control kar raha hai.
Mujhe yaad nahi tha maine ye kab likha.
Par us line ko padh kar
mere seene me kuch ajeeb sa hua.
Shayad main hamesha chup nahi thi.
Shayad maine khud ko dheere-dheere chup kar liya.
Aur tab mujhe laga —
meri life ka suspense ye nahi hai
ki log mujhe kyun nahi dekhte.
Suspense ye hai
ki main khud se kya chhupa rahi hoon...