June lay on her bed, exhausted, eyes heavy but sleep nowhere in sight.
She weighed the question in her mind, would replying make her feel better, or would it tear something open she'd spent months trying to close?
She wanted to respond. To ask him why.
Why he hurt her. Why he never apologized. Why he was reaching out now, after all this time. She told herself she was almost over him. Not completely. Maybe a little.
When they were friends, they used to text late into the night. Not about but mostly about her.
Now, she didn't know what to say to him at all.
For a long time, June had blamed herself. She should have known. He had never really talked about himself, never let her see past the surface. Mystery, she realized too late, had been his shield.
She used to think that if she'd known him better, if she'd asked the right questions, things might have ended differently.
After the second encounter, she had been avoiding him for awhile. Her past experience with friends had taught her not to trust anyone. She believed no matter how lonely she was, nothing good came out of being around people. That way she didn't have to deal with the noise that followed.
One time she had left early for campus, she was still avoiding him and everyone connected to him. He was a first year student, what did he have to worry about? He still had enough time to party around while she had a lot of work to catch up on.
Towards her classroom, she spotted Dexter.
He stood in one of the corners talking to a group of boys, he seemed to be in a good mood, he laughed really loud and hard. Their eyes met for a bit, he raised his hand to wave and she turned away immediately and hurriedly entered class. Dexter came in after her
"Hi blue!"
June was irritated. Blue, who said he could her that. There was something about him that she didn't like... He gave up a familiar aura that she couldn't trust.
She had decided, no, she wasn't going to talk to him or his friend Smiley: she didn't bother to learn his name.
"Well I guess you won't talk to me either." Dexter said with his voice sad. " I just thought we could be friends too"
Friends, June thought. What good did they bring?
A few minutes later Smiley face came in, he dashed past Dexter without saying hi to him and straight up to her.
"hey, did I annoy you in any way, " he asked anxious.
She instead put her earphones in, pulled out a her notebooks from her bag to study.
"Well am staying here till you talk to me." He said as he pulled a seat from a nearby locker and sat right Infront of her. His hands on his cheeks leaning on her locker.
Dexter tried to talk him out of it. He still failed. He was determined. He wasn't moving until June spoke to him.
June's body tensed up. She never liked to be watched. Moreso by this strange guy. Her legs shook vigorously and she sweated excessively.
Furious, she got up, picked her books up, water bottle and stormed out of the class.
After a while, June felt some one was following her. She looked back and saw him. " The hell"
She moved even faster and this time was careful not to trip. He followed closely not trying to catch up just watching her.
This was even more terrifying, why was he following her. She clearly didn't want to talk to him. He should have understood that. She wanted her old life back.
She finally arrived at the library, he still came in. Didn't sit next to her. Just from a point where he could see her.
What a strange guy he was!
He sat there still, his emerald eyes on her till he lost to sleep. quietly watching her study until he dozed off. June peeped at him from the corner of her eye, his eyes were at her. And he didn't seemef not to notice her stealing peeks.
She glanced up from her books. He was asleep, the window light shone on him clearly making him uncomfortable. Her eyes lingered longer than they should. Why was he still here?
She pulled out her jacket and put it over the window next to him, picked up her books and bottle and left the library.
He seemed tired. June saw it through his eyes. Maybe he could sleep comfortably and she could leave without being followed.
June thought about it. She was right then. She should have stopped at that that day. She should have kept her distance from him completely. She should have stopped at the jacket.
She let him in because he helped her, because he stood up for her maybe a lot of times but especially that one time
That day, she was too busy running away from smiley face that she didn't see the guy she hated come her way
"You been ignoring me?"
She heard that voice, the voice that made her body quiver in fright.
It was him, Bob. The one who always asked for her number. Who gave her dirty looks in class, who bumped into her so hard that she fell and smirked like it was nothing. Who never seemed to hear when she said no.
"I said hi the other day," he continued, voice loud and sharp. "You run off instead. That's not very nice."
She froze in place.
She really wanted to smack him so hard, mostly on his face, and wipe that stupid pride off his face.
She wanted to say something to him. Something like "get lost, you creep!"
But like always, her mouth couldn't make a sound. Her feet were trembled so hard she couldn't back away.
He took a step closer while his friends hyped him up. "You just like playing hard to get."
Her grip on the books trembled.
Maybe she could hit him and run off... what about the aftermath.... maybe she could stand up for herself once. Maybe this was the tim....
"Hey!"
Someone yelled loudly from behind. A different but familiar voice.
It was him, Smiley.
He walked up fast to her, face serious. No grin this time.
"She's not interested," he said, standing between them. "get lost."
Bob scoffed, moved in closer, sizing him up. "Who the hell are you?"
"Get lost creep! She doesn't want you here."
They stared at each other intensely. Then Bob laughed out loud and sarcastic.
"Whatever. stupid first years." he jeered as he treded off taking his friends with him.
June remembered how she felt that day, frozen in place. Her heart beat really fast. She was really terrified of him.
Then he looked at her. "Are you okay?"
Her voice was still gone. She couldn't find words to answer him.
" Look...I wasn't following you," he said, softer this time. "Its just you seemed uncomfortab--"
Junes emotions gave way and tears rolled down her cheeks fast. "Why'd you help me?"
He didn't answer. He just looked at her.
That day she was more embarrassed than angry, she couldn't stand up for herself and this guy, she knew, she felt it, this guy who was more dangerous than Bob helped her, now she owed him.
And moreso, she cried Infront of him.
He slowly moved towards her, her sweater in his arm. He reached out his hands to pull her into his embrace.
June stepped back. He instead handed her sweater and started to speak again.
" Blue, you are scared of me too... I will stop bothering you okay. Just say the word."
That should have been it. She should have ended it then. A lot went through her mind at that time. She gathered her thoughts to say something to him. All she said was...
"My name's June...not Blue."
He smiled at her again.
For some reason, his smile seemed to calm her down. The shaking stopped,her breath steadied. It felt like she could lean on him... just for a moment.
"Ryan," he said. "My name's Ryan."
Dear Diary,
I can't seem to stop crying. My eyes are swollen now, my throat is sore.
I've been holding on to this for so long. I keep crying for him, for what could have been. It's like my heart just won't let him go.
I just want to sleep. But I don't want anymore nightmares.
~June