Surrounded by that darkness, I continued to think of the results of this battle. Would I win? "Lose?? Tie, maybe??" The uncertainty and anxiety plagued my mind, and my eyes wandered around my surroundings.
The more I waited, the faster my heart beat. The moment everything went blank was the moment I let my guard down. My mind had given up, although I wished to persevere; subconsciously, I didn't.
My grip on my pistol loosened, and it fell to the ground. My eyes began to ache, and my knees went weak as I fell to the ground. I hadn't even fought Adrian one-on-one, yet I already knew defeat was inevitable. A tear slid down my cheek as I looked down.
What the hell do I do… I thought to myself, How do I win…, my anxiety continued to build up. I heard footsteps approaching and my eyes lifted upwards towards Adrian, who had been looking down at me with that same tired old face.
"I expected more from someone like you, Caspian," Adrian said before stomping on my chest and looking down on me. I shrieked in pain while my hands tried to push his foot off, but Adrian just pushed harder. Eventually, I felt my fingers being crushed under his boot, as I let out a bloodcurdling scream. Adrian looked down at me with that same tired expression, as if he were doing this to pass the time.
"I can't believe a little kid like you was born as a null-bearer," Adrian added on, "Your potential is astonishing, but potential without refinement accomplishes nothing." He was right. Even though I had this much potential, I still could never beat someone like him. But I refused to let this guy walk over me. My face changed, and those thoughts of me losing completely faded. Finally, I felt that same sensation when I killed that old man in that bar. That feeling I had sought so deeply had finally returned to me. I smiled, in an almost grueling way, and the look on Adrian's face finally changed from his natural tiredness to one of acceptance but also rejection.
"I like that look, Caspian," Adrian said, "But you are still nothing but a rookie waiting to see the horrors of this world." Adrian stomped his foot down on my face, and all went black.
Did I lose? Was my determination all for nothing?
I'm sorry, Mother… I guess I could never live that normal life, I thought to myself. That darkness finally faded, and my eyes came back to the light. I was greeted, not with the sight of the sky, but with Nyra pinned against the wall by a pole through her abdomen. Her lifeless eyes stared with a deafening silence, and blood leaked from those eyes like tears, and looked dead into my soul, her hands still curled, as if they were reaching for something. I looked down at my hands, and they were stained with blood, but it wasn't my own—the woman whom I viewed not only as a mentor but also as my friend was now dead. I removed the pole from her abdomen, carried her to the ground, and looked at her body. I wanted to cry at that moment. I wanted to show some proof that she meant something to me, but I couldn't. I couldn't cry, not because I wanted to look strong, but for a petty reason.
Cough
I turn towards the noise and see Adrian on the ground, severely wounded. He looked up at me with an almost delighted smile.
"I guess you weren't just potential… but you are proof that all you are is a mindless killer," Adrian said, his face slowly losing emotion, like a doll.
"Mindless killer? What do you mean… YOU ARE THE MINDLESS KILLER!", I yelled in anger while glaring at him with a face that showed nothing but absolute hatred, "YOU KILLED NYRA! SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!"
"That's where you are wrong, Caspian," Adrian added, "You are the one who killed her… demon." The moment I heard him say those words, the once antagonized face I had, faded into one of absolute confusion and denial.
"I-I-I killed her?", I said, my eyes in utter disbelief, "I couldn't have… I would never…"
"You proved that you and I… are the exact– ", before he could finish his sentence, my fist flew into his face. I looked down on him with a feeling I never felt before. It was a feeling I couldn't describe… it felt like rage, yet it wasn't; it felt like despair, but it wasn't. I embraced this feeling, not in comfort but in necessity.
I pummeled Adrian's face over and over, my expression still emotionless. In that moment, I became the demon Adrian said I was, but I don't regret it. I wanted him dead more than anything else; I wanted him to die in the most painful way possible. Even if it resulted in my destruction. I slammed my foot onto his chest and looked at him with nothing but a cold and disgusted look.
"See… you aren't human…" Adrian said before adding, "You are just a demon trying to blend in… or perhaps you are the devil himself–". I didn't give him a second; I released almost all of my karma onto his body, but the moment it left my body, it felt like my insides had ruptured. Adrian screamed, high, blood-curdling, and inhuman, but instead of stopping, I leaned in further. A sadistic smile filled my face. I had become the monster that Adrian said I was, but I didn't care. I forced more karma onto him, ignoring the pain ripping through me, increasing the pressure until Adrian's body finally gave up and shattered, leaving nothing but a husk of what he once was. I thought I would feel complete, I thought his death would bring comfort, but it brought anything but that. In fact, I felt ( nothing at all? ), I walked toward Nyra's corpse, her eyes, which used to have such an ecstatic look, now looked into my own eyes, lacking that ecstatic expression it once held. I carried her corpse and walked through the once crowded Reinos District, now absent of any of the joy and happiness it once had. Memories of the short but memorable times with Nyra came to the surface of my mind, as if it were reminding me of the grave sin I committed, a sin so unforgivable that no amount of repentance could save me from the hell that awaited me.
Those roads were so lonely, so dark, but I didn't think anything of it. The darkness and pain I felt in my heart were the only things my mind was set on. Suddenly, a flash of light approached me, and the faint sound of an engine filled my ears; it was a car. It stopped right in front of me. Iseph came out, his eyes immediately set on me before lingering on Nyra's corpse. He looked down for a moment before walking towards me at an almost frighteningly slow pace.
"So, how did she die?" he said in a chillingly calm tone, as if he already knew the consequences that were awaiting me.
"I did it… I lost control, she died because I failed to keep my promise." Iseph placed his hand on my shoulder, an attempt to console me.
"It's fine, what about the target?" he asked.
"Adrian Reynolds… is dead, I made sure of it." My face displayed a look of absolute disgust while talking about Adrian. Iseph then helped me carry Nyra's body into the car while the two of us got into the front seats. How did he get here so fast? Did Iseph expect Nyra's death? Did he expect my victory? The more I thought about why he was there, not even five minutes after I began walking with her body. I questioned whether Iseph was truly who he really was. The drive was long and served as a way to think about my sins even more, but unlike Nyra's rough but also lighthearted driving, Iseph drove in such a serene way that I felt relieved. But I still reminisced about Nyra's driving, just another reminder that I was a monster.
Finally, we reached the Division HQ, and the tranquil garden that lingered around it still bloomed with life. The car stopped right outside the entrance to the main building as Rhex walked out, expecting to see Nyra, but instead… I came out of the passenger, opened the trunk, and picked her body up. My eyes once again went back to their lifeless state. Rhex's eyes, which usually displayed disinterest and boredom, changed. His eyes became bloodshot, and a tear rolled down his face in such a slow and wretched way.
"How did she die…" Rhex said with a wrathful tone. I stood still and looked down. I didn't want to tell him why, but Rhex of all people deserved to know why she died.
"I… killed her," I said quietly, but it was loud enough for Rhex to hear.
His face grew even more distorted before he began to yell out in an antagonising rage, "YOU KILLED HER? YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALIVE, YOU DAMN DEMON!' Every word that Rhex said was utterly and almost frighteningly true. I was a monster; I didn't deserve to live after the crime I had committed.
Rhex rushed towards me, raising his fist, but before his blow could land, Iseph grabbed his hand and looked at him, "Calm down, I know she meant something to you, but don't lose yourself." Rhex's face only grew more distraught.
"What do you mean, don't lose myself? He just killed my friend… MY DAMN TEAMMATE!" Rhex said, as tears began to roll down his face. Rhex's cries only made my own sin greater.
"THAT DOESN'T RECTIFY WHAT YOU DID, CASPIAN!" Rhex shot back. I could hear him start to break. Nyra meant more than just a teammate to him. I was ashamed of myself for losing control; for allowing whatever was inside of me to break loose. This was the consequence that Iseph tried to warn me of. Am I even human? Or a monster? Based on the body in my hands, I was starting to believe that I truly am the latter. And monsters need to either be put down or locked up before they ravage everything around them. Iseph would walk towards Rhex and pat his back, trying to comfort him, before leading him into the HQ. He then walked towards me and put his hand on my shoulder.
"I assume you know that what happened can't be changed, right?" Iseph asked, as much as I wanted to say that what he was saying was wrong, deep down, I knew that Nyra was gone for good.
"I-I know… but I don't know what to do…", I said, my once emotionless demeanor finally breaking down, like a mask being ripped off. "There's only one thing you can do, Caspian." Iseph said, "Don't let it happen again, prove that you aren't someone who loses control."
"You make it sound so damn easy." I said, my tone finally displaying an arrogance I had been waiting to show towards him, "What the hell do you know about killing your friend or teammate?"
"I know every damn thing about it, you think being part of the Concord Division is all up and no downs?" He said, "I have seen my teammates die because I was incompetent, I have seen my teammates die because I had to kill them. Don't act like you are the only one who has faced misfortune." The pent-up emotion still left over from when I killed Adrian began to fume to the surface, an undying rage that would destroy everything it set its eyes on. I threw a punch
towards Iseph's face, and it landed.
THWACK
He stumbled backward, rubbing the spot where I hit him. He looked at me and said, "You seriously need to be taught a lesson." With that, he threw a punch of his own, which I dodged with ease before countering with a kick. Iseph caught my leg, tossed me to the ground, and stomped his foot on my stomach, causing me to groan in pain. "Control your temper, idiot. Nyra died, and now look at you! You're acting like her death is a good reason to give up. What about the other members of the Division?" Iseph challenged. "What if they died? What would you do? Sit and cry in your little room because they're gone?" I glared at him, filled with pure hatred. "Shut up…" Those words slipped out, ones I never intended to say. They surfaced, revealing feelings I thought I could never express, thoughts so profound that I felt like I had broken something beyond repair. Iseph removed his foot from my stomach and walked toward the entrance, not looking back once. "Grow up. If you have a problem with this Division, then leave. We do not need someone like you." The weight of his words, combined with the burden of Nyra's death at my hands, was unbearable. It felt as if the power I believed I could control had finally overwhelmed me, leaving me destined to become the monster that Adrian claimed I was. Or perhaps that monster was me all along.