I woke up, and for a glorious, terrifying second, I thought I'd finally achieved a personal record for "Fastest Double-Death in History."
The white marble was back. The bright, shimmering light was back. And, of course, the naked statues were still there, staring at me with their marble eyes as if to say, "Welcome back, loser. Round two?"
I scrambled to my feet, my head spinning like a cheap top. My ribs didn't hurt anymore, but my dignity was in shambles. And there she was. Venus. Seated on her throne, looking as radiant as a supernova and twice as smug.
"WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?" I roared, my voice echoing through the divine hall. "DID I DIE AGAIN? AND WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!"
I didn't care if she was a goddess. I didn't care if she could turn me into a localized thunderstorm. The frustration of the last month—the hunger, the acne, the horse manure, the Amazonian beating I just took—it all came boiling out. I didn't just cry; I ugly cried. The kind of crying where your nose runs and you make sounds like a dying walrus. I let it all out while the most beautiful being in existence watched me with a look of mild concern.
Ten minutes later, I was down to a pathetic hiccup.
"Are you done crying, Arthur?" she asked softly.
"I'm... hic... I'm done," I managed, wiping my face with my tunic.
"I owe you an apology," Venus said, her expression turning uncharacteristically serious. "When I sent you to Venhus, there was a... divine synchronization error. I forgot to bestow your transmigrator's blessing. I sent you as a blank slate."
"A mistake?" I deadpanned, staring at her. You're a goddess! You literally have one job: managing people like me! That is the most cliché, low-budget light novel plot twist I've ever heard!
Venus's eyes narrowed slightly. "I can hear your thoughts, Arthur. And I suggest you stop calling me 'cliché' before I decide your third life should be as a head of cabbage."
I shut my mouth so fast I nearly bit my tongue. "Right. Sorry. No cabbage. Please continue."
With a graceful flick of her wrist, a shimmering golden light materialized in the air between us. As the glow faded, a familiar, rectangular shape floated down. My jaw hit the floor.
"Is that... a a phone?"
"It is a Celestial Interface," she corrected, though it looked exactly like the latest model from Earth, complete with a sleek titanium finish. "It never needs a charge. It has infinite signal. And it is pre-loaded with an app connected to my divine treasury."
I grabbed it out of the air. It felt heavy and real. I swiped the screen. There it was: an icon that looked like the Amazon logo, but with a golden heart instead of an arrow.
"What am I supposed to do with this junk? Call for a pizza? There isn't even a cell tower in Athens!"
"It is an inter-dimensional shopping portal," Venus explained, her voice dropping into a conspiratorial whisper. "You can buy anything from your world. Food, medicine, knowledge... even weapons. But, the currency isn't gold."
I looked at the top of the screen. Balance: 0 VP.
"VP?" I asked. "What's that? Virtual Pesos?"
"Venus Points," she smiled, and suddenly I got a very bad feeling in my gut. "Since I am the Goddess of Love and Desire, the currency is fueled by intimacy. A genuine hug from a woman is 100 VP. A kiss is 1,000 VP. And if you manage to... well, consummate a relationship? 100,000 VP."
I stared at her. Then I looked at the phone. Then back at her. "Are you insane?" I shrieked. "I'm allergic to women! My skin turns into a topographical map of the Himalayas if a girl so much as sneezes near me! You're giving me a credit card that only works if I jump into a volcano!"
"The allergy was a curse of your old world, Arthur. Here, it is merely in your mind. But your fear... that is your own to conquer. If you want to survive, if you want to become the merchant king of this realm, you're going to have to get close to them."
"I hate you," I whispered. "I genuinely hate you."
"I love you too! Now, back you go!"
She waved her hand, and the floor vanished.
"NOT AGAIN—!"
The fall was shorter this time, but the vomit was just as real. I slammed back into my body with a jolt that nearly cracked my teeth. I was back in my tiny room next to the barn. The smell of horse manure hit me like a physical blow. Outside, a horse neighed loudly, annoyed by my sudden reappearance.
It was midnight. The room was dark, illuminated only by the two moons shining through the cracks in the wood. But in my hand, something was glowing.
The screen of the phone lit up my face, reflecting in my wide, terrified eyes.
[Welcome, Arthur.]
[Current Balance: 0 VP]
[Tutorial Reward: 10 Starter VP Added!]
I looked at the "Shop" icon. A 50-cent pack of instant noodles was 5 VP. A basic first-aid kit was 50 VP. A handgun was 5,000 VP.
I slumped back onto my lumpy hay mattress, the cold sweat of my phobia sticking my tunic to my back. I had the power of modern Earth in my pocket, but to use it, I had to do the one thing that terrified me more than death.
"I have to hug a Valkyrie," I whimpered into the darkness. "I'm going to die. I'm definitely going to die."
******
A few hours later. The disappointment hit me like a physical punch. I spent half the night scrolling through the Celestial Interface, my thumb hovering over where the App Store used to be. I was hoping for a little piece of home—maybe a web novel to distract me from the fact that I was sleeping on a pile of hay that smelled like a horse's flatulence.
[Message: To unlock "External Web Browsing," please pay 10,000 VP.]
"Ten thousand?!" I hissed at the screen. "Venus, you're not a goddess, you're a corporate CEO!"
I checked my balance. 10 VP. That was my entire life savings in this world. I looked at the "Survival Essentials" tab. A single cup of Nissin Seafood Ramen was 5 VP. I could buy two meals, and then I'd be a broke, magic-less orphan again. I couldn't risk it. Not yet.
I spent the rest of the night reading "How to Talk to Women" articles cached in the phone's local memory.
Tip #1: Maintain eye contact. "Yeah, right," I muttered. "In this world, eye contact with a Knight of the Rose probably qualifies as a challenge to a duel."
Tip #2: Compliment her strength. "Sure, I'll just tell the six-foot-five lady that her biceps are bigger than my future. That'll go over great."
By dawn, my eyes were sand-paper dry. I hadn't slept a wink when a thunderous pounding shook my door.
"Wake up, Skinny Boy! The sun's thinking about rising, and so should you!"
I groaned, shoving the phone into my pocket and making damn sure it was on silent. I didn't need a ringtone going off while I was mucking stables. I opened the door to find Herbert, one of the forge-workers who looked like he ate boulders for breakfast.
"I have a name, you know," I said, trying to summon some of that New York sass, but it came out as a tired squeak. "It's Arthur."
"You're 'Skinny Boy' until you can lift a crate of iron without your knees buckling," Herbert grunted. "Wash up at the well. Breakfast is at five sharp. If you're a minute late, the dogs get your portion."
I didn't doubt him. I scrambled to the well, splashed some freezing water on my face, and tried to tame my hair. My reflection was still a disaster—acne, hollow cheeks, and a tunic that looked like it had been through a paper shredder. I patted my pocket, feeling the cold weight of the phone. It was the only thing keeping me from jumping into the well.