Chapter 51: The Judge, The Jury, and the Donkey-Car (Part 1)
[A/N: Two things happened in the last 48 hours. First: I'm finally feeling better! I hung out with the boys and they were dying to see what kind of "comedy" I've been writing. They weren't expecting the absolute Chinese brain rot I delivered! One of them actually tried to hit me with a "Thousand Years of Death," but I blocked it and countered with a point-blank fart to his face. Toon Force is real, guys.]
Second: My girlfriend was sticking to me 24/7 while I was sick, so of course, she caught my cold. Now the roles are reversed and I'm the one taking care of her. It's a "sick-date" kind of week! Enjoy the chapter!]
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
[A/N: you know 2 think happened in my life in 2 day first thing I am not that's it anymore so in real life me and boys try to hangout and and there was very eager to laugh what kind of comedy I write but they did not spect they going to hear Chinese bullshit and one of them try to give me( thousand Year of death) luckily I stop him on time and i fart on his face.
And second think my GF sticking to basically 24/7 when I am sick so se cut a cold too now I am take caring of her ]
The morning of the UA Sports Festival didn't smell like destiny. It smelled like burnt toast, strawberry glitter, and the impending collapse of the space-time continuum.
I was currently hovering four inches off the kitchen floor, vibrating at a frequency that made the milk in Izuku's cereal bowl dance the macarena. My white gloves were snapped tight, my yellow pinstripe suit was glowing with a literal "Main Character" sheen, and I was busy packing a suitcase with items that no hero-in-training should ever own: three dozen rubber chickens, a portable black hole, and a "Get Out of Jail Free" card signed by a guy named 'The Author.'
"Sunny, please sit down," Mom sighed, though she was smiling. She was used to it. "You're making the toaster nervous."
[TICK-TOCK-SWEAT]
The toaster was indeed sweating. Actual beads of water were rolling down its chrome finish.
"Can't help it, Mom! The script is humming!" I chirped, my head doing a 360-degree spin before snapping back into place. [TWANG!] "Today is the day the world realizes that UA doesn't just stand for 'Ultra Academy,' it stands for 'Unmitigated Absurdity'!"
Eri sat at the table, wearing a tiny version of my signature fedora. She held up a pair of heavy-duty, industrial-grade earplugs. "Sunny-nii, I'm ready. I have the silence-plugs."
I leaned down and poked her nose. [HONK!]
"Good girl, Eri-chan. Keep 'em close," I warned, my eyes turning into two tiny, glowing caution signs. "And Mom? Don't forget yours. When the bass drops today, I'm pretty sure the neighboring prefectures are going to think Godzilla is hosting a rave."
Izuku walked in, looking like he'd stayed up all night memorizing the chemical composition of dirt. He was muttering so fast that his words were physically manifesting as subtitles around his head. "If-I-utilize-the-vectors-of-the-impact-while-maintaining-a-30-degree-angle…"
"Izu-chan, breathe!" I yelled, pulling a giant wooden mallet out of my pocket and lightly tapping him on the head. [BONG!] The subtitles shattered like glass. "Forget vectors. Today, we're going for vibes."
"I'm trying, Sunny!" Izuku squeaked, clutching his backpack. "But the whole world is watching!"
"Exactly!" I grinned, my teeth doing a [DING!] of white light. "And we wouldn't want to give them a boring show, would we?"
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
Ten minutes later, we were approaching the UA gates. Well, Izuku was walking. I was moonwalking on the air beside him.
Suddenly, my Fourth-Wall Sense™ started screaming. It wasn't a tingle; it was the sound of a slide-whistle falling off a cliff.
"Heads up, Izu-chan! Incoming narrative hazard!"
I looked up. The sky didn't just have clouds; it had a literal hole in it. Two figures were screaming toward the pavement at terminal velocity. One was Himiko Toga—currently transformed into a perfect replica of me, pinstripe suit and all—and the other was Aqua, whose blue hair was trailing behind her like a panicked waterfall.
"SUNNYYYYY! SAVE MEEEE!" Aqua wailed, her face a mask of snot and divine terror. "THEY'RE GAINING ON ME! THE INTEREST RATES ARE COSMIC!"
"I'M NOT DYING IN THIS SUIT!" Toga-Sunny yelled, trying to use a cartoon umbrella to slow their descent. [POP!] The umbrella immediately turned inside out.
[CRUNCH-SQUISH-SPLAT]
They didn't hit the ground. They hit me.
I was driven into the sidewalk like a tent peg. My body flattened into a two-dimensional pancake, my eyes popping out and wobbling on the concrete. [BOING-WOBBLE].
"Ugh…" I groaned, my voice sounding like a record being played backward. "Is there a reason my co-director and a useless goddess are skydiving without a permit?"
Toga snapped back into her original form, sitting on my flattened chest. "Sunny-kun! Sorry! Aqua-chan saw a man in a suit holding a clipboard and assumed he was a High-Level Debt Collector from the Heavens!"
"HE HAD A CALCULATOR, SUNNY!" Aqua screamed, clutching my flattened arm and shaking it. "A CALCULATOR! HE WAS GOING TO DIVIDE MY DIGNITY BY ZERO!"
Behind them, a very confused mailman stood ten feet away, holding a delivery notice.
I let out a long, wheezing sigh. I reached into the air, grabbed the "Inflation" pump I keep for emergencies, and stuck it in my mouth. [FOOMP-FOOMP-FOOMP].
My body snapped back to its 3D glory, tossing Toga and Aqua into the air before they landed gracefully on their feet. Aqua was still vibrating, her eyes spinning in circles.
"Quiet, you two," I said, my voice dropping into that warm, "Chaos-Dad" tone. I reached out and gave both of them the Ritual Head-Pat. [SQUEAK-SQUEAK].
Aqua immediately melted. Her bones turned to jelly, her eyes went misty, and she let out a long, blissful sigh. "Oh… the divine friction… the debt is gone… I am a cloud…"
Toga leaned into the pat, her messy buns bobbing. "Thanks, Sunny-kun. I needed the frame-rate stabilization."
"Let's go," I grinned. "We have a festival to break."
[Izuku Midoriya POV]
The 1-A waiting room was a pressure cooker.
Usually, the atmosphere before a Sports Festival is heavy with rivalry. But with the "Chaos Crew" involved, it felt like the backstage of a circus that had just been hit by a glitter-bomb.
Mina was currently practicing her "Acid-Slide" across the ceiling. Kaminari was using his electricity to charge a portable DJ booth that Hatsume Mei had built out of a microwave and a dream. Bakugo was sitting in the corner, aggressively beating a pair of drumsticks against a reinforced steel practice pad, his face a mask of pure, concentrated homicide.
"I'm gonna murder the rhythm," Bakugo muttered. "I'm gonna blast the tempo into the sun."
"That's the spirit, Kacchan!" Sunny chirped, appearing behind him out of a literal hole in the floor.
Jirou looked up from her bass, her earphone jacks twitching. "Sunny, do you ever use doors? Just once? For the novelty?"
"Doors are a structural trope, Earbuds! I'm a post-modernist!" Sunny laughed.
He looked around at the crew. Momo was creating a series of "Emotional Support Flags" for everyone. Tokoyami and Dark Shadow were wearing matching "Chaos Crew" bandanas. Toru was… well, I assume she was smiling. Nokotan was standing in the middle of the room, chewing on a wooden desk.
"Delicious," Nokotan said, her antlers glowing. "It has notes of mahogany and existential dread."
Suddenly, the door slid open. The temperature in the room dropped forty degrees. Shoto Todoroki walked toward Sunny, his gaze cold enough to freeze a volcano.
"Midoriya," Todoroki said.
Izuku and Sunny both looked up. "Yeah?" they said in unison.
Todoroki ignored me. He looked directly at Sunny. "From an objective standpoint, I am stronger than you. But you… you ignore the rules. You turn combat into a joke. I want you to know: I will not be laughing. I will defeat your 'Gag' with pure, unadulterated power."
The room went silent. You could hear a pin drop—or in this case, you could hear Nokotan swallowing a drawer.
Sunny didn't blink. He just reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a giant, oversized carrot. He took a loud, echoing bite. [CRUNCH].
"Ehh, what's up, Ice-Pop?" Sunny asked, his voice doing the Brooklyn drawl.
"I'm serious, Midoriya," Todoroki hissed.
"I know you are! That's your whole thing!" Sunny laughed, leaning against the air as if it were a solid wall. "But here's the thing, Shoto-kun. Me and Shika-chan over there? We're not in the festival."
Todoroki paused. The whole class froze. "What?"
"Nezu-chan and I had a little chat over some high-grade cheddar," Sunny grinned, snapping his gloves. "He realized that if I participated, the insurance premiums would cause Japan to go bankrupt. So, he made an executive decision."
Sunny pulled a golden badge out of thin air and pinned it to his chest. It read: OFFICIAL NARRATIVE JUDGE.
"Me and Nokotan are the exclusive judges for this year's Sports Festival!" Sunny announced, his voice suddenly echoing with a booming, orchestral reverb. "We aren't here to win. We're here to score."
A collective wave of terror washed over Class 1-A.
"Wait," Kaminari whispered, his face going pale. "You mean… you're the one deciding if we pass?"
"Exactly, Sparky!" Sunny's eyes turned into two spinning slot machines. "And I should warn you: I don't accept 'Normal' as a passing grade. If you want a high score, you better bring the Calamity!"
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The stadium was a sea of screaming fans. The air was vibrating with the voice of Present Mic, which was currently loud enough to shatter glass in the next city over.
"ARE YOU READY, UA?!" Mic roared. "WE HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THIS YEAR'S CEREMONY! APPOINTED BY THE PRINCIPAL HIMSELF, PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST JUDGES: THE BOY WHO BROKE THE WORLD, SUNNY MIDORIYA! AND THE DEER WHO DEFIED THE HEAVENS, SHIKANOKO NOKO!"
I stepped out onto the main stage, Nokotan walking beside me. I was moonwalking, obviously. Nokotan was occasionally stopping to lick the camera drones.
I looked up at the VIP seats. Mom and Eri were sitting right next to All Might. Mom was waving frantically, her eyes teary. Eri was wearing her earplugs and holding a sign that read: GO SUNNY-NII! DON'T BREAK THE ROOF!
All Might looked at me and gave a thumbs-up, though he also looked like he was praying to every god he knew.
On the stage, Midnight was standing in her hero costume, holding her whip. I skated over to her, stopping inches away.
"Looking sharp today, Nemuri-chan!" I chirped, pulling a single purple rose out of her ear. [POP!] "Is that a new fragrance? It smells like 'Property Damage Liability' and 'A Very Successful First Date'!"
Midnight's face went a shade of red that would have put a tomato to shame. "Sunny! We are on national television! And for the last time, it was a business dinner!"
"The lobster didn't think so!" I winked at the camera.
The stadium screens zoomed in on us. I could hear the murmurs of the crowd.
"Is that kid flirting with Midnight?"
"Is this even legal?"
"Wait, he's a judge? We're all gonna die!"
"Alright, alright!" Midnight cleared her throat, trying to regain her composure. "Now, please welcome our Student Representative to give the opening pledge… Izuku Midoriya!"
Izuku walked up to the mic. He looked at the 100,000 people staring at him. He looked at the cameras.
[FREEZE]
He didn't move. He didn't breathe. He literally turned into a marble statue. I could see the 'System Error' message flashing in his eyes.
"And… he's gone," I muttered. "Next!"
"The representative is… Katsuki Bakugo!" Midnight yelled.
Bakugo stepped forward, but he didn't even make it to the mic. A group of students from Class 1-C and 1-H suddenly swarmed the stage.
"DRUM GOD! GIVE US AN AUTOGRAPH!"
"HOW DO YOU MAKE THE CYMBALS EXPLODE?!"
"WE LOVE THE FISHNETS, BAKUGO!"
"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU EXTRAS!" Bakugo roared, his palms popping. "I'LL BLAST YOUR FACES OFF!"
The crowd cheered. They thought it was part of the act. Bakugo was so busy fighting off fanboys that he couldn't give the speech.
"Option three!" I chirped. "Tenya Iida!"
Iida marched to the mic, his engines revving. He began his speech. Ten minutes in, he was talking about the historical significance of posture. Twenty minutes in, he was explaining the proper way to lace a hero boot. Thirty minutes in, the entire audience—including the Pro Heroes—was fast asleep. Present Mic was literally snoring into his microphone.
"Okay, that's enough of that!" I shouted, pulling a giant hook out of the air and dragging Iida off stage. [YOINK!]
"Now," I grinned, reaching into my pocket. "Let's get to the good stuff. Nemuri-chan, if you please?"
I pulled a massive, neon-lit WHEEL OF CHAOS out of my pocket. It was ten feet tall and covered in symbols like 'Anvil Rain,''Zero Gravity Dance,' and 'Mario Kart.'
Midnight spun the wheel. It whirred with the sound of a thousand chainsaws. [WHIRRRRRRR-DING!]
It landed on the image of a spiked turtle shell.
"The first event!" I yelled. "The Obstacle Race: THE BOWSER-SUNNY GRAND PRIX!"
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The starting line of the race course had been completely rewritten.
The standard UA track was gone. In its place was a gravity-defying, rainbow-colored road that twisted through the air like a piece of neon fettuccine. Giant piranha plants were snapping at the clouds, and floating boxes with '?' marks were hovering every ten feet.
"Rules are simple, mooks!" I announced, my voice echoing through the stadium. "Reach the finish line. Don't die. And watch out for the hazards!"
"What hazards?" Todoroki asked, his ice already priming.
[ROAR]
I didn't answer. Instead, my body began to grow. My yellow suit stretched until it tore, revealing a giant, spiked green shell. My skin turned orange, my hair became a mane of red fire, and I grew a pair of massive, curved horns.
I was Bowser-Sunny. And I was thirty feet tall.
"ME!" I roared, my voice a bass-boosted tectonic plate shift. "I AM THE HAZARD!"
Behind me, a herd of deer—all wearing tiny racing helmets—appeared out of nowhere, led by Nokotan. They were all holding explosive crackers.
"NUN!" Nokotan cheered.
"Now, for the demonstration!" I boomed.
Nokotan hopped onto a giant, regal stag. I, however, didn't have a kart. I reached into the air and pulled out a donkey. A normal, slightly confused-looking donkey. [HEE-HAW!]
With a snap of my fingers, I used a giant paintbrush to paint the donkey with a high-gloss, red-and-white racing stripe. I grew a steering wheel out of its neck and four exhaust pipes out of its rear.
"Behold!" I yelled. "The Donkey-Car 5000! It runs on carrots and pure spite!"
I hopped onto the donkey's back. Nokotan lined up beside me.
"On your marks…" Midnight yelled, looking at the insanity with a mix of awe and terror. "Get set…"
[BGM START: LEVEL-UP | THE FAST AND FURIHORSE | MUMBO JUMBO]
The beat dropped like a lead pipe. The frantic, electro-swing rhythm exploded out of the donkey's exhaust pipes.
"LEVEL UP!" I screamed.
[VROOOOOM!]
We didn't just move; we tore a hole in reality. The donkey-car's legs became a blur of motion, its hooves leaving flaming tire tracks on the Rainbow Road.
"I'm coming for the crown, I'm the king of the town!" the lyrics blasted as I drifted around a 90-degree turn, my spiked shell grazing the side of a giant piranha plant.
Nokotan was right beside me, her deer leaping over floating platforms with physics-defying grace. She was throwing explosive crackers like they were Mario Kart bananas. [BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!]
We hit a ramp.
"TOON-DRIVE, ENGAGE!"
The donkey-car sprouted wings. I pulled a blue shell out of my mane and tossed it behind me. It didn't track a racer; it tracked the entire race course.
[KABOOM!]
The first half of the track exploded into glitter and marshmallow fluff.
We crossed the finish line in exactly three seconds. The stadium was silent. The students were staring at the smoldering, glitter-covered wreckage of the course we had just "demonstrated."
I hopped off the donkey, which immediately turned back into a pile of carrots. I snapped my fingers, returning to my normal suit-wearing self.
I looked at the 22 students of Class A, who were all staring at me with expressions of pure, unadulterated dread.
"Alright, crew!" I grinned, my teeth doing a [DING!]. "The bar has been set! The song is playing! Who's ready to race for their lives?!"
Bakugo stepped forward, his eyes burning with a manic light. "I'm gonna blow that donkey into the next dimension, Gag-Boy!"
"That's the spirit, Kacchan!" I laughed. "Because the real race… starts NOW!"
[CLACK!]
[AND CUT! THAT IS THE END OF PART 1!]