Chapter 44: The Temple of Gloom and the Great Wedgie Renaissance
[A/N: Today's question: What are you all eating? My parents decided to fry up some chicken, but we had two versions: "Normal" for my girlfriend and "Atomic Fire" for me (made with 500k Scoville hot sauce).
Naturally, in a move straight out of a cartoon, she accidentally ate one of mine. The comedy that followed was priceless. Let's just say her reaction was more "Toon Force" than Sunny's! What's on your plate today? Hopefully something less life-threatening!]
(Izuku Midoriya POV)
I have spent fifteen years living with Sunny Midoriya. In that time, I have learned to categorize his smiles.
There is the "I just ate a lemon" smile, which usually precedes a localized rainstorm inside the kitchen. There is the "I found a penny" smile, which usually means he's about to buy a literal mountain of bubblegum. And then, there is the smile he was wearing this morning.
It was wide. It was jagged. It was the kind of smile that didn't just break the fourth wall; it took the fourth wall out to a nice steak dinner and then left it with the check. It was a cartoon villain smile—the kind that usually involves a spinning mustache and a railway track.
"Sunny?" I asked, clutching my backpack as if it were a shield. "You're doing the thing. The 'Handy Wendy' thing."
Sunny didn't look at me. He was currently busy polishing his white gloves with a piece of sandpaper that made a [SQUEAK-SHINE] sound. "Izu-chan, my sweet, innocent, plot-relevant brother. Today isn't just a day. Today is a Production. We've got guests coming. Uninvited guests. Guests who think that wearing a dozen hands on their face is a 'fashion statement' and not a cry for a very expensive therapist."
"Handy Wendy?" Ochaco asked, tilting her head as she joined us at the door. "Is that a new villain? Or a cleaning service?"
"Both, if I play my cards right," Sunny chirped. He reached into his ear and pulled out a tiny, vibrating alarm clock. [DING-A-LING!] "The narrative is shifting, folks! We're transitioning from 'High School Slice of Life' to 'Home Alone: UA Edition.' I've got traps to set. I've got physics to ignore. I've got a blue-haired man-child to gaslight into thinking he's actually in a 1940s serial adventure!"
Beside us, Noko Shikanoko—our resident deer-human-anomaly—let out a long, loud sniff of the air. Her antlers suddenly glowed a soft, neon pink.
"Sunny-boy," she said, her voice sounding like it was being filtered through a bag of grain crackers. "The vibrations are wrong. The deer-force is telling me that today requires a high level of 'Brain Rot' that even I cannot sustain while conscious. I must depart."
"Going back to the Deer Realm, Nokotan?" Sunny asked, leaning against a literal cloud that had drifted into the hallway.
"I need to nap on my friend's lap," Noko announced, her eyes glazing over. "The continuity is getting too thick. If I stay, I might accidentally become a serious character, and my contract strictly forbids character development."
With a [POP!] and the smell of fresh forest floor, she vanished, leaving behind a single, perfectly toasted cracker.
"Well," I sighed, adjusting my yellow backpack. "At least the deer is gone. Now we just have to deal with the reporters, the impending doom, and whatever 'contract' Sunny is currently writing on a giant piece of parchment."
"Don't worry, Izu-chan!" Sunny grinned, his teeth doing a [DING!] that blinded me for three seconds. "By the time I'm done with the press, they'll be more afraid of a pair of white gloves than they are of Endeavor's temper!"
(Sunny Midoriya POV)
I love the smell of a plot hole in the morning.
As we approached the UA gates, the air didn't smell like cherry blossoms or academic excellence. It smelled like desperation, cheap coffee, and the collective sweat of three hundred reporters who thought "Is All Might a good teacher?" was a question that required a federal investigation.
"Reporters," Himiko hissed, her messy buns vibrating with predatory intent. "They're so loud. And their blood tastes like... bitter deadline stress. I don't like it."
"Fear not, Toga-chan! And you too, Aqua, stop trying to sell 'Holy Press Passes' to that pigeon," I commanded.
I snapped my fingers. [WHIRR-ZIP!]
I didn't just change my shape; I unraveled. I turned into a long, silk-lined pinstripe scarf. I wrapped myself comfortably around Himiko's neck, draped over Izuku's shoulder, and looped around Aqua's waist.
"I am now the Scarf of Destiny," I muffled from the fabric. "Carry me into the fray, my disciples! Let us witness the tragedy of the 'Boom-Boom Boy'."
At the front of the gate, Katsuki Bakugo was currently undergoing a total volcanic meltdown. A woman with a microphone was shoving it so close to his face she was practically checking his tonsils.
"Young man! You're in the same class as the 'Toon Boy'!" she shrieked. "Can you confirm the rumors? Is it true that you were forced to perform a synchronized dance in a bunny girl outfit for international views?"
Bakugo's face went a shade of purple that shouldn't exist in nature. "IT WASN'T A CHOICE! THE SCRIPT WAS BIASED! MOVE OVER, YOU EXTRA, BEFORE I BLAST YOUR CAMERA INTO THE STRATOSPHERE!"
"Another question!" another reporter yelled, pushing forward. "We've seen the 'Rabbit Hole' video! Our analysts have been studying your physique! Can you give us your three sizes? The fans on Hero-Reddit are dying to know if the fishnets were custom-tailored to your—"
[POOF!]
Bakugo's head didn't just get red. It literally expanded like a giant, over-inflated balloon. [CREAK... CREAK... POP!]
His head exploded into a cloud of orange glitter, only to immediately reform with a loud [BOING!], his hair looking like a very angry pile of mashed potatoes.
"I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!" he roared, but the reporters weren't listening. They had spotted us.
"Look! It's the brother! And the blue-haired girl! And... wait." The lead reporter froze. She looked at the scarf around Himiko's neck. The scarf had a pair of white-gloved hands and was currently holding a miniature cup of tea.
"Is that... him?" she whispered, her voice trembling.
The memory hit the crowd like a 50-ton weight. I could see the phantom pains in their waistlines. Last time the press had tried to storm UA, I had initiated "Operation: Wedgie Renaissance." I had turned the entire gate into a giant, sentient clothesline and hung every single member of the paparazzi by their undergarments like a row of soggy laundry.
"RUN!" someone screamed. "THE GAG-BOY IS IN SCARF FORM! IT'S A STEALTH ATTACK!"
"Too late, ya mooks!" I yelled, unraveling from the girls like a whipped-out tape measure.
I grew to twenty feet tall, my white gloves expanding until they were the size of mattresses. [SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!]
The comedy of the situation was exquisite. I didn't need a Quirk; I needed a sense of rhythm. I dived into the crowd, my hands blurring in a 24-frame-per-second whirlwind.
[RIIIIIIIP!]
[YOINK!]
[SNAAAAAP!]
One by one, the reporters were hoisted into the air by their waistbands. I didn't just wedgie them; I attached them to a row of cartoonish, polka-dotted trees I had grown from the sidewalk specifically for this purpose.
"HO-HO-HO!" I laughed, snapping a pair of suspenders on a cameraman. "The trees are in bloom early this year! The fruit is particularly loud and annoying!"
"SUNNY! WE'RE LATE FOR CLASS!" Izuku screamed, grabbing my giant gloved thumb and trying to pull me toward the gate.
"A magician is never late, Izu-chan!" I chirped, snapping back to normal size and adjusting my pinstripe vest. I looked at the dangling reporters, who were currently swinging in the breeze. "I'll see you guys at the evening edition! Don't forget to hydrate! Gravity is a suggestion, but hygiene is mandatory!"
(Third Person / Classroom POV)
The atmosphere inside Class 1-A was a mixture of standard high school nerves and "Sunny-induced" exhaustion. Shota Aizawa stood at the front, looking like he had personally tried to fight a blender and lost.
"Yesterday's combat training was... adequate," Aizawa droned, his eyes scanning the room. He lingered for a moment on Sunny, who was currently using his own tongue as a bookmark. "Midoriya Sunny. Stop that. It's unhygienic and biologically impossible."
"I'm just keeping my place in the narrative, Teach!" Sunny chirped.
"Whatever," Aizawa sighed. "Now, onto more pressing matters. We need to decide on a Class Representative. Do it quickly. I have a sleeping bag with my name on it."
The room immediately exploded.
"I SHOULD BE CAPTAIN!" Bakugo yelled, his palms crackling. "I'LL BLAST ANYONE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW ORDERS!"
"I believe a democratic process is the only way to ensure a stable leadership!" Tenya Iida shouted, his arm chopping the air with such force it created a localized draft.
"I'll do it if there's a salary!" Aqua announced, standing on her desk. "As a goddess, I am naturally suited for a position of absolute power and zero accountability!"
"I vote for Sunny-kun!" Mina Ashido cheered, waving her hands. "Life would never be boring!"
"The darkness requires a jester to light the path," Tokoyami muttered from the shadows. "I cast my shadow for the Toon."
"He's got my vote," Toga giggled, sharpening a pencil with her teeth. "He makes the best sets."
"I suppose his ability to manage... chaos... is a form of leadership," Momo Yaoyorozu added, looking at her notebook. "I'll vote for Sunny as well."
When the tallies were counted on the board, the results were... problematic.
Sunny Midoriya: 5 Votes (Momo, Toga, Mina, Tokoyami, and Sunny himself—who had written his name in neon glitter).
Izuku Midoriya: 3 Votes.
Katsuki Bakugo: 3 Votes.
Momo Yaoyorozu: 3 Votes.
"A tie," Aizawa muttered, not opening his eyes. "Figure it out. I'm dead to the world for the next ten minutes."
"A THREE-WAY DUEL TO THE DEATH!" Bakugo suggested.
"Rock-Paper-Scissors," Momo countered, her voice firm. "It is the only logical way to settle a three-way tie without property damage."
The tension was thick. Izuku was vibrating. Bakugo was sweating nitro-glycerin. Momo was calculating the probability of every hand gesture.
"JAN-KEN-PON!"
Izuku threw Paper.
Bakugo threw Rock.
Momo threw... a perfectly crafted 3D model of a pair of Scissors.
"I win," Momo said, her shoulders relaxing. "I shall serve as Vice-Captain."
"WAIT!" Iida screamed, looking at the board. "That means... Sunny Midoriya is the Class Captain?! This is a violation of several safety protocols! The school will be made of marshmallows by Friday!"
I stepped forward, my white gloves behind my back, my face taking on a look of profound, mock-seriousness.
"Iida-kun," I said, my voice dropping into a smooth, radio-announcer baritone. "I hear your concerns. I feel your pain. The burden of leadership is heavy. It is filled with paperwork. It is filled with 'rules' and 'regulations' and 'having to tell Bakugo to stop eating the school supplies.' It is, frankly, a total drag."
I pulled a long, golden scroll out of my pinstripe pocket. It unrolled across the floor, extending out the door and down the hallway.
"I have a proposition," I whispered, leaning in close to Iida. "A Contract. You love rules. You live for structure. You want this class to run like a Swiss watch. I, on the other hand, want to spend my time wondering if I can turn the cafeteria into a giant ball pit."
Iida blinked. "What are you suggesting?"
"The 'Shadow Captain' Protocol," I chirped. "You take the responsibility. You take the title of 'Acting Captain.' You get to talk about the rules all you want. You get to lead the lines. You get to do the paperwork. In exchange, I take none of the blame, you do my homework for the next month, and you provide a daily 'Goddess-Level' dessert to Aqua so she doesn't try to pawn the school's fire extinguishers."
Iida's engines revved. He looked at the scroll. He looked at the chaos of the classroom. He looked at the opportunity to finally, legally, tell people what to do.
"I... I accept these terms!" Iida shouted, grabbing a pen and signing the scroll with such intensity the paper caught fire.
"Excellent!" I grinned, slapping him on the back. [HONK!] "Congratulations, Captain Iida! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a mouse and a very specific set of blueprints."
(Sunny Midoriya POV)
Lunchtime at UA is usually a time for recovery. For me, it's pre-production.
I was sitting at a table with Momo and Iida. Iida was currently eating his rice with mathematical precision, while Momo was staring at me with a look of growing concern.
"Sunny," Momo said, setting down her tea. "You've been unusually quiet for the last six minutes. Usually, by now, the table has turned into a surfboard or you've started a jazz band with the cutlery. What are you planning?"
"Momo-chan, you hurt me," I said, clutching my heart as a literal 'THUMP-THUMP' sound echoed from my chest. "I'm just enjoying the calm before the storm. But since you're my Vice-Captain... here's a heads-up. In about five minutes, the 'Security Breach' is going to happen."
Iida choked on his water. "A BREACH?! WE MUST ALERT THE PROS!"
"Relax, Turbo," I said, patting his arm. "It's all part of the script. Handy Wendy is coming to play. He thinks he's sneaking in to steal secret UA data. He thinks he's the main villain of this arc."
I reached into the air and grabbed a handful of empty space. I twisted it like a wet towel, creating a shimmering, neon-rimmed portal.
"Keep the class under control, guys," I winked. "I'm going to the Director's Office. The popcorn is calling."
I stepped through the portal and landed directly on the sofa in Principal Nezu's office. The mouse-bear-thing was already there, sitting in a high-backed chair, a giant bowl of buttery popcorn in his paws.
"Ah, Sunny!" Nezu chirped, his eyes glinting with a truly terrifying level of intelligence. "You're just in time. The sensors in Teacher's Lounge 4 have just been tripped. Our friend with the 'crusty' disposition has arrived."
"Is the feed live, Nezu-bo?" I asked, hopping onto the desk and pulling a giant 1950s television set out of my pocket. I plugged it into the air.
On the screen, we could see the interior of the UA staff room. It was dark, silent, and filled with cabinets of sensitive information. A dark mist began to swirl in the center of the room. Out stepped Tomura Shigaraki—or as I prefer to call him, Handy Wendy. He was scratching his neck, looking around with a sneer that said he hadn't discovered moisturizer yet.
"Finally," Shigaraki hissed, his voice rasping through the speakers. "The secret files of UA. The weaknesses of the heroes... I'll take them all."
"He's so dramatic," I whispered to Nezu. "He needs a theme song. Something... jungle-themed."
I snapped my fingers.
Inside the staff room, the floor didn't just move. It shifted. The linoleum turned into ancient, moss-covered stone. The fluorescent lights flickered and died, replaced by flaming torches that sprouted from the walls. The bookshelves didn't just fall; they transformed into towering stone pillars carved with the faces of angry monkeys.
"What... what is this?!" Shigaraki yelled, stumbling as a vine dropped from the ceiling and nearly took his hood off.
"Welcome," I whispered into a megaphone, my voice echoing through the staff room's hidden speakers, "to the Temple of the Hidden Script! Choose your path, traveler, but beware... the Editor is watching!"
( The Temple of Doom)
Shigaraki tried to run for the door, but the door had been replaced by a giant, stone mouth.
[RUMBLE!]
"Kurogiri! Get me out of here!" Shigaraki screamed, but the mist wouldn't form. I had edited the atmosphere to be '70% Humidity and 30% Slapstick.' Portals don't work when the air is this thick with irony.
A giant rolling boulder—made entirely of crumpled-up detention slips—began to barrel down the hallway toward him.
[RUMBLE-RUMBLE-RUMBLE!]
Shigaraki dived out of the way, his hands touching a wall. He tried to decay it, but the wall just giggled. It wasn't stone; it was grey-painted sponge. His fingers just sank in with a [SQUISH] sound.
"WHY ISN'T IT BREAKING?!"
"Because, Wendy!" I chirped over the intercom. "Decay is so 'Season 1.' We're doing an adventure serial now! Look out for the blow-darts!"
A row of tiny tiki masks on the wall puffed their cheeks. [PHT-PHT-PHT!]
Instead of darts, they shot miniature, screaming rubber ducks. Shigaraki was pelted with a barrage of [SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAKS].
He scrambled across a bridge made of literal piano keys. Every step he took played a loud, dissonant note.
[C-SHARP! E-FLAT! F-MINOR!]
"I HATE THIS!" Shigaraki roared, tripping over a golden idol that looked exactly like All Might in a hula skirt.
He finally reached the 'Altar' at the end of the room. There, resting on a pedestal of light, was a shimmering, ancient-looking scroll.
"There it is..." Shigaraki panted, his clothes covered in glitter and duck feathers. "The secret information... the core of UA's defense..."
He lunged for the scroll, his five fingers touching the parchment. He didn't decay it. Instead, the scroll let out a loud [HONK] and a golden 'Level Up' interface appeared in the air in front of him.
[ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE ULTIMATE SUCKER]
The scroll unrolled. It wasn't a map or a list of weaknesses. It was a high-resolution, full-color drawing of Shigaraki himself, wearing a maid outfit and holding a tray of cookies. At the bottom, in big, bold letters, it read: "PROPERTY OF THE CHAOS CREW. IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO THE NEAREST BARBER SHOP FOR A DECENT HAIRCUT."
"I'LL KILL HIM!" Shigaraki screamed, his voice cracking. "I'LL KILL THAT TOPHAT-WEARING FREAK!"
"Time's up, Wendy!" Nezu's voice boomed over the speakers, sounding far too cheerful. "The security systems are rebooting! If you don't leave in five seconds, the floor becomes lava! And by lava, I mean very hot, very sticky strawberry jam!"
Shigaraki didn't wait. He grabbed the scroll (mostly out of spite) and dived into a newly opened portal provided by a very confused-looking Kurogiri.
(Principal Nezu's Office POV)
The office was silent for a beat before it erupted.
Nezu was rolling on the floor, his paws clutching his stomach. All Might, who had walked in halfway through the boulder sequence, was leaning against the wall, his skeletal frame shaking with silent, heaving laughter.
"Did you... did you see his face?!" Nezu wheezed. "When the duck hit him in the eye?! It was... it was statistically perfect!"
"I have never... in all my years..." All Might coughed, a small puff of blood escaping his lips as he laughed. "I have never seen a villain look so... defeated by stationery."
I stood on the desk, my hands on my hips, my cape fluttering in a wind that didn't exist.
"Another successful day of script-doctoring, gentlemen!" I cheered. "We gave him the 'Secret Information'—which is actually a GPS-encoded tracking document that will play 'Baby Shark' at max volume every time he tries to sleep."
Nezu stood up, wiping a tear from his eye. He held up a paw. I held up a white-gloved hand. All Might, still grinning, held up his large, calloused hand.
[CLAP-BOOM-DING!]
The triple high-five created a shockwave of pure joy that shattered the office windows and turned the falling glass into a rain of lemon drops.
"Job well done, Sunny," Nezu said, adjusting his tie. "I think this is the beginning of a very... animated... school year."
"Oh, Nezu-bo," I grinned, my eyes turning into two literal spinning camera shutters. "The USJ trip is tomorrow. And I hear the 'Unforeseen Simulation Joint' is just dying for a Toon-Force makeover. Handy Wendy won't know what hit him."
[CLACK!]
[AND CUT! THAT IS A WRAP ON CHAPTER 44!]