The Northern Continent—Frostbite Coast—welcomed us with an embrace colder than the reply speed of a crush who had already lost interest. The wind here didn't merely blow; it bit, tore, and slipped through every gap in our clothes, as if it were searching for loose change hidden inside.
The Iron Belly docked at a pier completely encased in thick ice.
"Well, this is as far as my sea taxi service goes," Captain Barbarossa said while shivering inside his thick bear-fur coat. "I'm not going any farther. My squids will freeze into squid popsicles if I stay here too long."
He tossed a small pouch to me. "Some dried salted fish for supplies. Try not to freeze to death, Hell Chef."
"Thanks, Captain. Don't miss my cooking too much," I replied, waving goodbye.
The iron ship turned back, leaving the four of us—Elena, Seraphina, Lila, and me—standing on the silent pier. Lila had wrapped herself in five layers of robes until she looked like a walking ball of yarn. Seraphina and Elena seemed to endure the cold thanks to their mana auras, but me? I was wearing nothing but a thin T-shirt and a cheap fake-leather jacket.
"C-c-cold…" My teeth chattered like a broken typewriter. "System… please… heater…"
[Ding!] [Automatic Body Heating is unavailable in Extreme Zones.]
[Suggestion: Purchase proper clothing or hug your pan, which is still warm from absorbing lightning yesterday.]
I pressed the black pan against my chest. Warm.
This black pan really was best waifu.
We walked toward the only building at the harbor: a convenience store made of ice blocks, with a sign reading:
"MR. PING'S SHOP: SELLING WARMTH AT CHOKING PRICES."
Inside, the shopkeeper turned out to be a Penguin-type Beastman. He wore a monocle and a bow tie.
"Welcome, kwek!" he chirped. "Looking for fur coats? Special discount today! Only 5,000 Gold per piece!"
"Five thousand?!" I yelled. "Is that the price of a coat or the price of a kidney?! In Odelia, they cost 500!"
Mr. Ping adjusted his monocle. "Supply and demand, kwek. It's minus thirty degrees out there. Buy, or become an ice statue in front of my shop. Kwek."
We checked our wallets. After the "Oyster Sauce Squid Incident" and the ship repairs caused by Lila's explosions, we had only 200 Gold and a few silver coins left.
"Damn capitalist penguin," I muttered.
Elena stepped forward, trying to negotiate. "Mr. Ping, we are envoys of the Central Guild—"
"Don't care, kwek. Cash, or get out."
I pulled Elena back. "It's useless, Miss. This man's heart is already frozen. We'll use another method."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my last gacha ticket.
"System, I need something hot. Very hot."
[Spinning…]
[Congratulations! You obtained: "Dragon Breath Medicated Oil."]
[Description: A legendary rubbing oil. One drop makes your skin feel like it's burning in hellfire for 24 hours.]
[Warning: Do not apply to eyes or sensitive areas.]
I smiled slyly.
"Mr. Ping, how about a trade? I have a warming potion from the Far East. One small bottle is worth more than all your fur coats."
Mr. Ping stared skeptically at the tiny bottle. "That little liquid? Don't scam me, kwek."
"Try one drop on your wing."
I dripped a single drop onto Mr. Ping's wing.
Three seconds later—
"KWEK?! KWEK! HOT! IT'S HOT! I'M BURNING!"
Mr. Ping ran around the shop, flapping his metaphorically smoking wing.
"Well? Warm enough?" I asked casually.
"This isn't warm! This is incineration! I want it! I'll take everything! Take whatever coats you want, kwek!"
Deal complete.
We left the shop wearing thick, warm white Yeti-fur coats, while Mr. Ping enthusiastically rubbed the medicated oil all over his body, sighing in pleasure (which was… disturbing to hear).
The journey to the Second Seal took half a day of climbing icy mountains on foot. A blizzard blocked our vision, forcing us to hold hands so we wouldn't get separated.
"According to legend," Seraphina shouted over the wind, "the guardian of the Second Seal is an Ancient Ice Queen who sealed herself away after suffering heartbreak."
"Heartbreak?" Elena asked. "Who could be stupid enough to hurt someone that powerful?"
"No idea. They say her lover left to 'buy cigarettes' a thousand years ago and never came back."
We arrived before a magnificent palace made of blue ice crystals. Its gates towered twenty meters high, guarded by ice warrior statues that looked disturbingly alive.
As we stepped into the main hall, the temperature dropped sharply. Even our Yeti-fur coats couldn't stop the bone-piercing cold.
At the far end sat a woman upon an ice throne. Her skin was pale like porcelain, her long white hair trailing across the floor, and she wore a beautiful light-blue dress. Her eyes were closed.
[SYSTEM ALERT: Boss Area Detected.]
[Name: Queen Eira, The Frozen Heart.]
[Status: Waiting for a reply that never comes.]
[Threat Level: Ancient Yandere.]
"Yandere?!" I panicked internally.
Elena stepped forward, drawing her sword.
"Guardian of the Seal! We are here to inspect the stability of the seal!"
Queen Eira opened her eyes. They glowed icy blue—empty, yet filled with rage.
"Humans…" Her voice echoed beautifully, yet lethally. "So noisy. I am waiting for someone."
She raised her hand. Hundreds of ice spears formed in the air, aimed at us.
"Leave. Or become part of my statue collection."
"Wait, Your Majesty!" Seraphina cried. "We mean no harm!"
"All men mean harm!" Eira glared at me and Lila
(Lila is a girl, but she was so bundled up it wasn't obvious).
The spears shot forward. Elena leapt ahead, deflecting them with her greatsword.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
"She's strong!" Elena shouted. "Rian! The pan!"
I prepared to throw my pan—but suddenly my Corruption Meter pulsed violently.
[Corruption Meter: 0.65%]
[Soul Resonance Detected.]
A thin black aura leaked from my body.
Queen Eira abruptly stopped her attack. The ice spears froze midair, mere centimeters from Elena's nose.
Eira descended from her throne, floating toward us. Her gaze locked onto me—or rather, onto something inside me.
Her anger faded. Her lips trembled. Her eyes grew misty.
"This aura… this rotten yet nostalgic stench of darkness…"
She stopped right in front of me, ignoring Elena entirely. Her icy hand touched my cheek.
"Darling?" she whispered. "You've come back?"
Silence.
Elena dropped her sword.
Seraphina stared slack-jawed.
Lila stopped chewing on an ice cube.
"…Huh?" I blinked. "Sorry, Auntie. Wrong person. I'm Rian. A cook."
"Don't lie!" Eira pinched my cheek hard.
"Your face is different—more… average, admittedly. But your soul! That's Astaroth's soul! My boyfriend who said he was going out to buy cigarettes a thousand years ago and never returned!"
"ASTAROTH?!" Elena and Seraphina shouted in unison.
Astaroth was the name of the Ancient Demon King who destroyed the world in the previous era.
Cold sweat poured down my back.
"I swear, Auntie! I'm not Astaroth! I'm just… possessed a little!"
Eira didn't care. She hugged me tightly.
"So cold. So tight. Like hugging an industrial refrigerator."
"At last you're home! I've waited so long! Look—I froze the entire continent to welcome you! Romantic, right?"
"Y-yeah… very romantic… I feel like I'm about to die…"
My face was turning blue from hypothermia.
Suddenly, Elena grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of Eira's arms. Her face was bright red, imaginary steam coming out of her ears.
"Hold it right there, Ice Granny!" Elena snapped.
"He's Rian! My party member! And he's NOT your boyfriend!"
Eira looked down on Elena with disdain—the gaze of a woman sizing up a romantic rival.
"Oh? And who is this rough girl wearing scrap metal, Darling? Is she… your mistress?"
The temperature dropped another ten degrees. The floor began to crack.
"Mistress?!" Elena drew her sword again, this time pointing it at Eira.
"Watch your mouth! I'm his—his caretaker! No, his partner! His commander!"
"Tsk, excuses." Eira flicked her hair.
"Move aside, Tin Can. I want alone time with my Darling. We have a thousand years to make up for."
She snapped her fingers. A massive wall of ice formed between me and Elena, Seraphina, and Lila—separating us.
I was alone with Eira.
"Well then, Darling," Eira smiled sweetly—and terrifyingly.
"Tell me. Why did you take so long? And why did you bring that burnt pan? Is it a gift for me?"
The black pan at my waist trembled violently. It did not like being called burnt. It floated up, pointing its handle at Eira like it wanted a duel.
"Oh? Even the pan wants to fight?" Eira giggled. "How adorable."
Behind the ice wall, I heard Elena screaming while pounding on it.
"RIAN! DON'T FALL FOR IT! REMEMBER THE MISSION! AND DON'T YOU DARE KISS HER!"
I swallowed hard.
This situation was more dangerous than being surrounded by Hellhounds. I was trapped with a yandere Ice Queen who believed I was her deadbeat ex, while my knight companion was raging outside—out of jealousy (or commander-level possessiveness).
"System," I whispered. "Is there a Log Out option?"
[None available.]
[Suggestion: Become a highly skilled playboy to survive. Charm her until she lets her guard down.]
I took a deep breath.
Alright. Showtime.
I looked into Eira's eyes and put on my most handsome face (according to me).
"Eira, my beloved," I said in my deepest voice.
"I didn't return because… I was searching for the perfect engagement ring for you. And this pan… this pan is the material for that ring!"
The pan dropped to the floor.
CLANG.
It fainted from shock at being used as a pickup line ingredient.
Eira blushed.
"R-really?"
"Of course. But… my friends outside are carrying the rest of the gift. So, could you please lower the wall?"
Eira smiled.
"Hmmm… alright. But kiss me first."
…I'm dead.