I was having a good morning.
Which, in hindsight, was a cosmic red flag.
Harry was practicing levitation—successfully this time, meaning the chair was floating upright. Sirius was pretending not to cheer. Lupin was pretending Sirius wasn't pretending. Alice was upside-down on the couch for no reason other than commitment to chaos. Rosalie was judging all of us in silence.
Peace.
Then the system chimed.
That sound.
The ding that only ever meant one thing.
Trouble.
"…System," I said carefully, "why do you only ever activate when my life is stable?"
[New function unlocked: Quest System.]
I froze.
"…There are quests?"
Alice flipped upright instantly. "QUESTS?"
Rosalie's eyes narrowed. "I don't like that word."
Neither did I.
"System," I said, "define 'quest' before I start panicking."
[Narrative-mandated objectives imposed by higher-order entities.]
"…That did not help."
The Quest Giver Reveals Themself (Unfortunately)
A new window unfolded in front of my face.
Big.
Golden.
Smug.
[MAIN QUEST INITIATED]
Quest Giver: Multiversal Overseer
Designation: Author
Additional Notes: Bastard
I stared.
"…Excuse me?"
Alice snorted so hard she nearly fell off the couch again. "IT CALLED THEM A BASTARD."
"I didn't do that," I said quickly. "The system did. That's worse."
The quest details continued scrolling.
Quest Title: Statute of Secrecy: Final Act
Objective:
Prevent a full-scale war between Muggles and Wizards.
Failure Condition:
Collapse of Statute of Secrecy → Global conflict → Magical + Non-magical extinction.
Time Limit:
Before irreversible exposure.
Reward:
???
I read it.
Once.
Twice.
"…That's it?" I asked. "Three question marks?"
[Reward classified.]
Rosalie crossed her arms. "That's suspicious."
"No," I corrected. "That's hostile design."
Alice leaned over my shoulder. "Maybe it's a surprise reward!"
"I hate surprises," I said. "They always contain trauma or paperwork."
I leaned back and stared at the ceiling.
"So let me summarize. A multiversal being—" I pointed upward aggressively, "—kidnapped my soul, reincarnated me, handed me shadow god powers, froze a vampire universe, dropped me into magical Britain, and now wants me to solve magical geopolitics."
[Correct.]
"And if I don't?"
[Extinction.]
"…Cool. Cool cool cool."
Harry raised his hand timidly. "Um… that sounds bad."
"It is," I said. "But we'll fix it."
Balance Patch Notes (I Was Not Consulted)
The system chimed again.
Oh no.
[Quest balance enforcement initiated.]
"…System," I said slowly, "define 'balance enforcement.'"
[User power exceeds narrative tolerance threshold.]
Alice gasped. "Adam—"
Rosalie stepped forward. "Stop."
Too late.
The pressure hit.
Not physical.
Conceptual.
Like the universe itself had looked at my stat sheet and said absolutely not.
Shadows recoiled—not vanished, but muted.
My authority—compressed.
[Authority: Shadow Monarch — Locked.]
[High-tier shadow dominion — Sealed.]
[Shadow Realm access — Restricted.]
I gritted my teeth.
Pain flared—sharp, brief, humiliating.
Then—
Another message.
[Personal Dimension: Access Maintained.]
I exhaled sharply.
"…Good," I muttered. "That stays."
For clarity—because apparently the universe cared now—
The Shadow Realm and my Personal Dimension were not the same thing.
The Shadow Realm was authority. Conquest. Dominion.
The Personal Dimension was mine.
Home.
And I wasn't letting anyone take that.
The Final Insult: Patch Includes De-Aging
The system wasn't done.
Of course it wasn't.
[User physical parameters adjusted.]
"…Adjusted how."
A reflective surface formed.
I looked.
Shorter.
Smaller.
Hands that were definitely not adult hands.
"…System."
[User age recalibrated: 11 years old.]
Silence.
Then—
Alice collapsed laughing.
"I'M SORRY—" wheeze "—YOU'RE ADORABLE—"
"I was six-foot-five," I said flatly. "I paid taxes in spirit."
Rosalie stared at me like reality had personallys just personally offended her.
"…I am not prepared for this."
Harry tilted his head. "You're my age now."
I glared at the sky.
"You did this on purpose."
[Narrative symmetry achieved.]
"I will overthrow you eventually," I promised calmly.
Emotional Damage (Critical Hit)
Alice crouched in front of me, grinning. "This is great! We can all go to Hogwarts together!"
"I am a former multiversal anomaly," I snapped. "I commanded shadows that swallowed gods."
"And now you need school robes," she said sweetly.
Rosalie sighed deeply.
"…Your shoulders were broader before."
That hurt.
That really hurt.
I slumped onto the couch.
"So," I said to you, rubbing my face, "recap: world-ending quest, no visible reward, sealed powers, eleven-year-old body, and homework."
Harry looked up at me. "You'll still help me, right?"
I smiled despite everything.
"Always."
Name, Identity, and One Last Laugh
An owl swooped in.
Dropped a letter directly onto my head.
Rude.
I opened it.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
We are pleased to inform you that…
Adam Universe
Age: 11
I stared at my full name.
"…They really committed to that."
Alice clapped. "ADAM UNIVERSE! That's such a main-character name!"
Rosalie pinched the bridge of her nose. "Merlin help us all."
I leaned back, staring at the ceiling of my personal dimension—still mine, still safe.
Quest active.
Authority locked.
Personal dimension intact.
Eleven years old.
"…Yup," I said tiredly. "This is definitely a main quest."
Somewhere beyond reality—
The Author laughed.
And one day?
I'd laugh back.
[Chapter Fifteen Complete.]