The tenderness with which the woman handled him the next few weeks alternately made Vegeta feel like an ass for his tantrum about pegging, and secretly, in the shriveled remains of his soul, delighted. The delight was dual faceted: he liked the affection she showered him with for itself, but it turned him on that she was putting so much effort into getting to fuck his ass again.
Vegeta bloomed under such care, and wanted to take care of the woman in turn, to be good for her, to be good to her. He tried to make sure all the parenting fell on him, so she could enjoy time with Trunks instead of being cut down by the scythe of tedium that he assumed caused the weary eyes of the Earth women he saw tending their offspring at parks and playgrounds. Capsule Corps had bots for much of that drudgery, and money enough to outsource that which it didn't, but the discipline, the correcting, the shepherding from task to task, nap-times, feeding, cleaning, all of that, Vegeta wanted to carry for the woman.
The woman worked long hours, so his desire to manage all the childcare was not entirely selfless. He wanted the time she had outside work to be relatively unencumbered. He wanted her.
The boys grew and their training flourished. They needed him less and less as they preferred to train together as often as with him. They became independent little creatures, roaming the planet while he mostly kept tabs on their chi. They trained with Piccolo whenever Gohan trained with Piccolo, often on the island where Seventeen made his home.
Piccolo still hadn't said a word to Vegeta about their relationship. Vegeta enjoyed how evasive and cagey Piccolo got whenever Vegeta spoke generally about relationships. Vegeta wondered how long it would be before Piccolo finally admitted his relationship to Vegeta, because with the chi skills that Piccolo had prompted him to learn, Vegeta knew full well that the two spent a lot of time together. Time in which Piccolo's chi fluctuated in a very obvious manner.
As if to make sure he wasn't bored as his parental duties lightened, the woman introduced him to cooking shows. Vegeta didn't know there was television devoted to anything as mundane as meal preparation, but somehow the humans made it entertaining and educational. Humans, much as they deserved extermination as a whole, still occasionally and pleasantly surprised him, especially with their various forms of amusing media. After that introduction, he learned there were other shows devoted to education and improvement. He and the boys devoured nature documentaries. Vegeta inhaled war and military movies and documentaries alike.
He and Panchy now openly shared their reading recommendations and had something of a book club occasionally once the boys were asleep if the woman and her father were both still in their labs. Panchy was saucier than Vegeta ever imagined, which was how they first wound up discussing the books at all.
One day, after he put the boys to bed, he returned a book he'd borrowed and Panchy caught him. She blithely mentioned the physical build of one of the male protagonists—it was a very graphic romance between two men—and when Vegeta wryly replied that he sounded eminently fuckable, Panchy tittered and demanded to make him a cup of tea. A cup of tea that wound up being predominantly ethanol.
That night, the woman went to bed alone while Panchy and Vegeta talked almost until dawn about the different tropes and things they both cared for and did not in their "trashy novels" as the woman still insisted on calling them. Vegeta was happy this woman, who had taken him in like a rabid stray cat her daughter dragged home, had found a mate. He still hoped, despite his usual pessimism, that her daughter had found a mate too. One that she simply hadn't acknowledged yet.
Panchy came into the kitchen while Vegeta watched a show about using a contraption called an instant pot. His first time trying anything, he always cooked just for himself. The woman had eaten already with the boys. Panchy said, "Vegeta, darling, you really ought to make some friends. I worry about you, cooped up with only the children and Bulma and me—"
"And Scratch!" Vegeta grumped, "And I have a friend. Piccolo is my friend. We've been friends since I came to Earth." Vegeta was less sure of this now that Piccolo hadn't told him about Seventeen for several years, but he understood waiting to see if something was going to pan out before telling anyone. Otherwise you had to tell them that it fell apart. Like a miscarriage: a relationship that never made it to term. Vegeta felt his relationship with the woman had been in the final weeks of its gestation for years. He wanted the fucking thing to be born.
"Well! Why don't you have him over for dinner when Bulma's working so late. Piccolo enjoys children. I know he babysits for you sometimes."
Vegeta smirked and without giving his increasingly gossipy nature much consideration said, "I think he's probably too busy with his boyfriend."
Panchy's mouth dropped open into a huge grin and her eyes crinkled up. She slapped his arm—this brazen habit of dealing weak arm-blows was clearly genetic—and nearly shrieked, "Vegeta! What is all this now? Piccolo, our grumpy green giant, has a boyfriend? My word! Do tell! How long have you been withholding this information?"
Vegeta glowered and finished piling his ingredients in the potentially explosive cooking vessel. He liked the danger, the heat, the pressure. Like a tiny gravity room for food. He sealed it up and turned it to the appropriate settings. With the cooking complete, according to the chipper brunette on the television, Vegeta devoted his full attention to Panchy and his newfound glee at gossiping.
She already had tea made, just like when they had impromptu book clubs. "Oooo, I've always thought Piccolo was handsome, so I'm so glad he's dating! And so tall. Goodness. I could probably do obscene things simply standing! You too, Vegeta!"
Vegeta felt his cheeks heat, but hers were pink too. She carried on, barely pausing to breathe as she set their tea on the table. She got a little stool, but he anticipated her purpose and floated up to the high cabinets. "Whiskey?" he asked.
"Of course! You know me so well. It's not too early for you, is it?"
"The woman can put the children to bed. And then she can put me to bed," Vegeta said with a chortle.
"Indeed!" Panchy said, tittering as she filled their teacups to the brim with the ethanol. Normally for their book clubs she made a drink that she referred to as a "G and T," and though Vegeta had no idea what was in it, it made him want to cry because it smelled like one of the low growing evergreen bushes he'd smelled in some of Panchy's gardens. He disliked all alcohol, but he'd grown to enjoy being a little lit up with Panchy, so he drank her bitter, shrub-smelling-beverages without complaint.
They sat and sipped. Panchy fake whispered, "Do you suppose Piccolo is getting laid?"
"By his boyfriend or in general? I discovered before I was getting laid that he did rather well amongst the humans, so I know he does get laid. He's being sneaky about the boyfriend. I only know because I had a little spat with your daughter and he beat me up to snap me out of it. That was so long ago though that I'm starting to feel a little wounded that he hasn't told me."
"Oh-ho! He beat you up! Darling, for goodness sake, you ought not to fight with Bulma, there's no winning! I'm not surprised Piccolo gets around. He looks like he's good at it. But he's settling down, do you suppose? Do you know who the boyfriend is? But yes, I meant is he having sex with the boyfriend? We ought to have them over for dinner together. That would force him to tell you!" Panchy clutched her cup and downed more, her eyes sparkling like they did when she had plans.
Panchy held her liquor much better than Vegeta by about three to one, a fact that he now heeded after a few book clubs that left him unable to stand while the small human went to get a dolly and her daughter to move him out of the kitchen.
Vegeta smirked. He leaned forward even though there was no one around to hear them. Goten and Trunks hardly required supervision anymore unless they started to brawl, but Vegeta always felt when that happened. He whispered, just for effect, he really was becoming a gossip, "I do know who it is. And despite him being ridiculously close-lipped on the matter, I also know for a fact that they are quite exuberantly fucking. I believe Piccolo lives with him."
"Well! I must say, darling, I'm feeling a tad put out you've been keeping this all to yourself! I had to pry information about Krillin and Eighteen out of you too! And you still haven't told me if Yamcha is seeing anyone—"
"He's a weakling who was bad in bed with your daughter, why do you care?" Vegeta grumbled.
"Well…The thing is, I suspect he was bad in bed with my daughter because he's gay! And he has bottom energy, don't you think?" Panchy said and giggled. She topped off her tea cup, not bothering with tea this time.
Vegeta sipped his own, carefully pacing himself to not end up a ridiculous mess again. He held up a finger to Panchy and texted the woman: Having an unexpected book club with your mother. Can you put the boys to bed?
Yes. Don't get too drunk!
Vegeta snorted. He returned his attention to his drinking companion. "I hate Earth nonsense like that. So you think the weakling favors cock and taking it?"
"I do! You should have seen them together—"
"I did! I hated it!"
"I know, but that isn't what I mean, my silly sweet Saiyan. But you're distracting me! We can discuss who I think Yamcha might be sleeping with once you've divulged who Piccolo is sleeping with."
Vegeta glanced around again. "You don't read the obnoxious gossip magazines that your daughter reads?"
Panchy topped up his tea. It was clearly going to be one of their rowdier nights. "Of course not, I have too much trash to read to keep up with you, darling!" It was an ongoing source of mirth for them to make fun of the woman's categorization of their books. "I found a new author, by the way, and she has so many in her back catalogue, I'm quite excited! After you tell me who Piccolo's boyfriend is, and we discuss it at length, I'll share."
"You have turned me into a terrible gossip. What would the woman say?"
"That it's trashy! But she would be jealous. Wait, does Bulma already know who Piccolo's boyfriend is and she didn't tell me either?! The two of you, keeping juicy secrets!"
Vegeta felt the familiar and now thankfully less terrifying surge of heat that accompanied his imminent inebriation. "Guess. I just want you to guess. It's someone you know."
"Oh, I just knew it! I can't believe they waited this long! Gohan must be ecstatic!" Panchy chirped, her hands clasping cheeks.
Vegeta canted his head to the side, "Good gods, woman, he's certainly not dating Gohan, that would be obscene as it's been going on for a while. Gohan is barely through puberty. Piccolo isn't—"
"I don't mean Gohan, darling, heavens. No, isn't it ChiChi? I expected that with all the help Piccolo has given her over the years in Goku's absence that they would just wind up together."
Vegeta's mouth fell open. "That never even occurred to me!" Vegeta downed the rest of his teacup. Panchy promptly filled it. Vegeta was already drunk. If he had another teacup, he would be beyond wasted. He decided he didn't mind. He was off the parenting clock. "Wait, wait, wait, does the harpy have a thing for Piccolo?"
Panchy pouted. "It's not ChiChi?"
"No, definitely not. But I'm intrigued, not least because there's a certain poetic justice to one of Kakarot's first charity cases being the one to nail his wife. Ha, Nail! Get it?!" Vegeta took another healthy sip and Panchy giggled as she downed more of her own.
"Oh my! I always thought she did. She watches him like it's her job when Bulma has parties. Poor woman. So it's not her? Hmmm…Well…Oh! Is he screwing Yamcha?"
"Your guesses surprise me! You must know Piccolo has better taste than your daughter."
"She has excellent taste now, darling," Panchy said with a wink. She patted his cheek. Vegeta imagined someone in Frieza's army patting his cheek and realized how dramatically he had changed. He was like a different species now, chit-chatting about sex with a woman who struck him pointlessly while they imbibed.
Panchy tapped her chin and said, "Let me think. Well. Hmmm…Piccolo values strength and reserve. You're taken, so you would be out of the runnings. Tien is likely screwing Yamcha—"
"Oh! Yes, that makes complete sense. I will verify it for you, if you like, the next time I catch a whiff of their chi?"
"You're so good to me, Vegeta. I'd like that. I'm certain they were eyeballing each other with rosy cheeks at the last party. So not Tien. Someone I know. A warrior, then?"
"Of a kind, yes. And certainly while fucking Piccolo," Vegeta said. He started to snicker. He only snickered when he was drunk. It was impossible to quell though and soon Panchy was tittering along with him. Even though Seventeen would have thoroughly kicked Vegeta's ass, it was hard to think of the quiet, stoic android as a warrior.
The woman came into the kitchen, finding them both laughing too hard to speak. She stood, arms crossed, and shook her head. She smiled though. "You two are ridiculous. What are you on about now? Did one of your smut novels have humor? Is that even possible?"
Panchy glared at the woman and Vegeta joined her. Panchy answered before he could. "We're talking about Piccolo's boyfriend, for your information, but I do intend for it to get trashy, just like our books, so run along!"
Vegeta nodded sagely, but he eye-fucked the woman a little. Though Vegeta rarely indulged in public affection, ethanol brought out his desire to remind everyone that the woman was currently fucking him and no one else, whether they were mates or not was irrelevant. She got a bubbly water from the fridge and he slapped her ass.
Panchy hooted with laughter as the woman shot upright and squawked, "Vegeta!"
He chortled and sipped his "tea." He smirked at her. "What?" Her eyes cut to her mother and widened. He snorted and said, "Woman, I'm certain your mother knows we enjoy fucking each other stupid—"
"Vegeta!" she squeaked, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of magenta.
Panchy, through her laughter, wheezed, "Oh, sweetie, this one is a keeper! Do you know who Piccolo's boyfriend is?"
"I don't. I didn't even know he had a boyfriend," the woman said.
Vegeta scoffed. "You do too! Remember, we had that fight about…activities…and he and I had a scuffle and I ruined his date—"
"Still? Oh! I didn't know that lasted. We should have them over for dinner. How come he never comes with Piccolo to parties? Piccolo should bring him. Tell Piccolo to bring him next time," the woman said.
"He's being sneaky, sweetie, he hasn't told Vegeta, Vegeta's just been observing—"
"You make me sound creepy!" Vegeta protested.
"Observing, huh? I bet that'd be fun to actually observe," the woman said with a very similar twinkle in her eye.
"Well who is it!?" Panchy cried, "I can't stand it any longer!"
Vegeta shooed the woman out of the kitchen. "You can't stay. We have books to discuss that would offend your delicate sensibilities as a chaste maiden."
The woman rolled her eyes and grinned. "You two are huge dorks."
Scratch hopped in Vegeta's lap once the woman left and Vegeta hissed, "It's Seventeen! He's been with the android!"
"Oh how perfect!" Panchy said and clasped her hands in front of her face. "They must be adorable. No wonder he's being quiet about it. They are both so quiet about everything. Do you suppose they're loud when they're doing it?"
Vegeta, wasted, snort-laughed at Panchy's commentary. Panchy continued, "Oh my, darling, I don't think I'll be able to get that mental image out of my head for a while. You really ought to invite them over. If Piccolo knows you can sense people's chi when they're getting laid, he must sort of know that you know. Perhaps that's why he hasn't told you? In any case, it's time they come out of hiding. Perhaps you and Bulma could go out with them some evening. The boys are old enough now that there's no reason not to go on a double date."
"What's a double date?"
"When two couples go out together—"
"I don't want to have a foursome with them! The woman is all I want and I'm not sharing, but certainly not with—"
"Oh goodness! Vegeta! The places your mind goes! No, just out for a meal and conversation. I know you never take Bulma out, but it wouldn't hurt you to do so, just to remind her she's special—"
"She is special!" Vegeta cried, "She is the…the…the special-est, most special? My most special special woman."
"Darling, I know that's how you feel, but you have to show these things. It's not enough to simply say it."
"It isn't?!" Vegeta squawked. He was well and truly drunk, and he didn't want to spiral into despair. He hadn't had a weepy drunken episode with Panchy and he didn't want to have one.
"Of course not. That settles it. Get out your phone."
"Why?"
"Just give it to me."
Vegeta did as he was bidden. Panchy knew Earth better than the woman, even, since the woman spent much of her life in her lab or her mind. Or Vegeta's arms. He smirked, thinking how thoroughly he'd fucked her the night before. He loved fucking her. She was so wonderful.
Panchy handed him his phone back after a few buzzes. "There. Now you have a plan. I'm not quite sure that Bulma will enjoy camping, but it will be a new experience for her."
"Camping?" Vegeta asked, completely bewildered. He looked at his phone. Panchy texted Piccolo as though she were Vegeta, but nothing she said was the type of thing that Vegeta would ever say.
It read:
V: Bulma and I want to do a double date with you and Seventeen.
P: The fuck? How do you even know about that?
V: Chi, obviously.
P: Dirty motherfucker, he doesn't even have chi. Fuck. He's been wary about telling people. What if you guys come camp on the island? We could hang out and I'll out us so he can stop being stupid.
V: Sounds great. When?
P: This coming weekend he's not on duty. Don't be a fucking douche. He's shy.
V: I bet you two are adorable.
P: Are you really fucking drunk?
V: Completely wasted.
P: That makes more sense. Thought maybe Bulma stole your phone or something because she's so fucking nosy. Go get fucked.
V: You too.
Vegeta gaped at his phone. "I can't believe he thought I would say any of those things!"
Panchy tittered and finished another cup of "tea." She refilled it and proceeded to tell him about the new author she'd found. He told her of the latest few from the library he'd tried. They talked until he was certain the boys would be in bed. Vegeta moderated his alcohol intake after the text debacle with Piccolo. He had new plans for the evening.
Vegeta enjoyed himself with the woman's mother, but his mind was only half on their conversation. He was thinking about taking the woman to the island. He knew she had capsules like what she'd used on Namek, so it wouldn't actually entail any hardship, but it had been ages since he'd lived off the land in any way and he liked the idea of actually camping as he had seen in the behind the scenes portions of nature documentaries. That was how he used to bivouac when he still fought for Frieza. Maybe it would be a good way to prove how mate-worthy he was. It would be like a date and an opportunity to provide the woman with food and shelter and protection.
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