The car was silent as I told them what I had done to that girl in the sparring ring, in as matter-of-fact a tone as possible. I kept talking, mostly to myself while looking down. I didn't dare see what expressions everyone was making.
But I was reaching the end of the story. And I had to face them soon.
"After I… killed her… I… don't remember much. Everything is vague. Father left me alone at least, perhaps because I was close to permanently breaking down. I had it relatively easy for half a year, and I just kept thinking about whether there was another way. If that was the life I really wanted to live. What my father wanted from me. What more I would have to endure if I stayed there. Eventually… I reached my answer. I managed to pick myself back up, and a short while later, I was allowed to visit my mother again. I told her everything, even though I was always forbidden to tell her what went on in that household. And my mother… she couldn't believe it. So she went to my father, alone, and she was simply told the truth as brutally as possible. She came back as such a guilt-ridden wreck that alcohol was the only thing left for her. I… I could have gone back to my father with her. I knew at least my father could cure her somehow, but… I couldn't. So I… decided to take care of my mother until she recovered. I attended high school, and over two years, everything slowly became better for my mother and me. Until… until… the Whiteout, and what happened to her. I… couldn't protect her. That's… that's what sort of person I am. Someone who ruins everyone around them. Even if… even if I try to do it for good reasons and with good intentions. That's… that's how I was made to be."
…I stayed silent. Still looking down. I tried to find the courage to look up again.
But a hand was suddenly placed on my shoulder, jolting me to look.
Into Elise's empathetic blue eyes, looking sad for me. The last thing I wanted to see.
"Jack… I'm so sorry."
"…Me too," I responded with a wry smile.
"It… It wasn't your—"
"Don't give me that. Are… aren't you disgusted with me? I'm… I'm a killer. I… because of me, in Philadelphia, people are dead again. After everything I did to you, how can you trust me? …How long will it be until I ruin your life or someone else's again?"
"…"
She couldn't respond. Of course not…
I looked away, but the moment I did, Elise grabbed my face and forced me to look back into her eyes.
"I… we won't let that happen. Please trust us, okay?"
"…"
"I… I know what you're capable of, but since you told us the truth, you've been open with us. You listened to us. So if you're scared you might do something that goes too far, please tell us. We can figure it out together if you yourself can't, okay?"
"…How can you trust me like—"
"Because you're a good—"
"I killed her, Elise. Duress or not, I—"
"But you feel guilt, right?"
"Of course I do. What does—"
"Then you know it was wrong. If you didn't feel anything about what you were forced to do, if you thought that what you did was alright, that's when… it's not alright anymore."
My mouth opened, but no words came out. Her blue eyes kept staring into mine.
Of course I felt guilt… but… but…
It was too much…
How could I… continue… after what I had done? If I… could do something like that again…
I needed to know. So… so I spoke again, with my voice cracking all the while.
"I feel guilt, Elise. So much guilt. I… wanted to not kill anyone again, but since Philadelphia… I… she's haunting me again. I keep thinking about her. I woke up screaming from a nightmare on the car ride to the hospital. When I saw your face there… I… I saw her too. That's why I froze like that. And I… I… I can't function like this, but I can't ignore my guilt. I… I don't—"
"You can forgive yourself—"
"No, I can't. I—"
"You can forgive yourself while not forgetting your guilt."
My breath halted. I looked wide-eyed at Elise.
"H-how?"
"I… I don't know. But… you left that house and didn't come back because… you want to be better than your father. And you've been so honest with me so far, and now you tell us this. I… I believe in you, that you'll do what's right. And I… we're here for you. We care about you. So I'm sure, with time, that we'll figure it out together."
"…I… I know. I believe you. It's just… could I have done something different? If… if something like that happens again, would I do the same thing again? When… when the shadow attacked us and broke my leg… when he attacked you… I… I threatened him both times, and I… I don't know if they were empty threats at all… because… he believed them enough to back out both times. And because of me, people are dead again. Good reason or not, I… I don't know anymore."
"…You can talk to us, Jack. We're here—"
"And what if you're not there? If I had to decide on my own and I… I'll choose wrong again…"
"…I don't know. But still, I believe you. So… believe in yourself too, please."
…Believe in myself, she said with all the compassion she could muster. And I could only keep giving her a wry smile.
"I can't do that, Elise. I… I don't even know who I really am."
That produced some sadness in her eyes, but they still shone with hope and faith for me.
"You're a kind-hearted person. That I know for sure."
"…And that's what got her killed. And my mother—"
"That's not true!"
"It is! It is… Even you, what I did to you… my intentions were also good, you know? And you almost…"
I looked away again after I saw a flash of buried pain cross her face, but her voice drew me back.
"I know. But… you thought you were doing a good thing… and… it helped me. Just… you made a horrible mistake, but you recognize it now. You wouldn't do something like that again. So—"
"…What if there isn't a next time? I make a mistake like that again and… someone dies or gets hurt beyond recovery… Or if I become like my father, or like he wants me to be? I… I just wish that I could be a normal person… without constantly… constantly… seeing everyone like… I… you think so too, right?"
…She took a moment to deliberate. And with every second I heard the car humming along the road, my anxiety for her answer grew, because I didn't know how she would respond. And… I didn't think Elise exactly knew either. But eventually, she spoke again.
From her heart.
"I know you can do bad stuff… make mistakes. But also… you can do a lot of good. That's… that's what I fell in love with. That you judge me for who I am, not by what I look like. That you always try to make me comfortable and feel safe, yet push me toward accepting my… appearance. I… I do feel safe with you… and you wouldn't be the same… if you were… more normal. It's just… like back then… you take things too far sometimes. I… I believe that… even without you doing something so confronting toward me, I still would have ended up alright. I mean… after we became friends, I actually started to gain some weight again… because of our… lunchtime… competitions? …W-wait… you… you didn't… back then… provoke me… deliberately, d-did you?"
"…Uh… I… I did, actua—"
"What!? I thought that you said you didn't see me romantically back then!?" she suddenly bellowed with a deafening voice.
Oh no! How… how did it suddenly turn out like this!? Why did she realize that suddenly? And when had I said that to her!? No… just… tell her the truth and placate her somehow!
"I… I didn't! You know I didn't! I never bothered you after I dragged my mother to your dad's clinic. In fact, it was you who kept constantly watching me afterwards, and then one day you suddenly wanted to have lunch with me and… uh… I couldn't just shoo you away because I couldn't risk you exposing my mother's condition, so since you were so thin, I provoked you with your terrible lunch to keep you close and make you try eating better…"
"So I was just a bother to you!"
"No! I mean… yes. But only initially! I did come to appreciate your company… since you were… quite… persistent… Wait! Wh-why were you constantly bothering and watching me in the beginning anyway? Did… did you already like me back—"
"N-no! Of course not! I… I just… I was… curious about you. You… you were the first person who didn't stare at my body at all. And you were popular, but preferred being alone, so I… I thought that you maybe were like me somehow. So… so I found the courage to join you for lunch that day to try and get to know you better, and then you just ended up insulting the food I made for myself! How could you!?"
"…But it was terrib—"
"I know! I know… but still… an-anyway. Doesn't that… prove the point? You… you knew it would lead me to eat better, right?"
"Y-yes. I… believed it would."
"And… did anything cross your mind to get me off your back too?"
"…Yeah, but… it would have likely hurt you, so…"
"See! I… you did trick me to help me, but maybe it was the best option available for me and you. And… I… had fun too, during all our… lunch competitions. So… your father might have done something horrible to you… try to turn you into something horrible, but what you learned, you can still use it for good intentions. It's… I like that side of you too, Jack."
"…Ah, okay then. I…"
I closed my mouth again. I was glad, but… I… it didn't make me feel particularly better about my guilt.
"Still, you said that maybe I didn't have to do something extreme like that to help you, and… maybe that's true. But I still didn't realize it then. And what if I don't realize something in the future? In that sparring ring. Could I… have done something different to save her?"
"…Jack."
"Tell me, please. There must be something, anything."
"I… I don't know, honestly. But I don't believe what happened really was your fault. Maybe… maybe there was just no other way."
"I… thanks. But I… I… just can't believe it. There's always something, some other way. I just… I can't see it."
I looked with pleading eyes at her, but Elise didn't have a response for me. So she looked away, to the front of the car, looking for help. My gaze followed hers…
Ken was still silently sitting in the passenger seat, looking solemnly at me.
And also, we both met Willow's eyes through the rear-view mirror.
"Um… well… that was quite the story. Is this… my cue to chip in?" she asked carefully.
…She didn't even start teasing about us being lost in our own little world. That was somehow even more terrifying to me.
"Yeah. Do you… understand? What… what do you—"
"About you two and your lunch competitions? No, what was that about?"
…I fell silent again. The rest of the car too. It lasted for a few seconds, until she stole a glance at Ken and kept looking. He was the one who cracked and answered.
"They both disliked the cafeteria food. So those two were competitive about who could make the best lunches. And they made me taste-test too once I joined the club."
"So? Who's the better cook?"
"Uh… Jack was at first, although eventually it was more 50/50."
"Oh… What did they make?"
"Willow, what do you think about me?" I interrupted.
…The car was silent again. Willow was presumably deep in conflicted thought. But eventually, she gave her response.
"Jack. I… understand, I think. But… like Elise said, it wasn't your fault. And… with what you can do, I… I think it's like martial arts. You've become capable of harm, but also capable of protecting others. And being capable is never a bad thing, only how you use it. Maybe your… scumbag father never taught you that part, but you're a good person. You'll figure it out."
"…You're wrong. I'm… I'm different. I… mostly can't even see people's appearances anymore. You saw back there at the hospital, I couldn't even recognize… And if I'm not aware of it, I lie and steer things to my own will… because… I… always had to solve everything alone. I… can't trust others…"
"…You're exaggerating. You're just scared of how capable you are. But you shouldn't be. We understand, and it's what you need now. …It's… it's what I need," she ended quietly.
"…You don't have to change, Willow. You—"
"Of course I do. There's nothing wrong with improving yourself and becoming more capable."
"…Unless the price is who you are."
"…What do you—"
"I wanted to knock you out back in that building. That was the first thought that came to me."
Willow stiffened and looked at me with wide eyes through the rear-view mirror. And I continued staring back with cold eyes.
"It's only because you were so adamant that I helped you with your revenge. I'm glad it worked out so well, because you now somehow revere me."
"Wh-what? You're… you're lying."
"I've been lying to you constantly. Doing and saying what you want the most, because I needed you to trust me so you would help my mother and brother."
"Th-that's—"
"Why do you trust me so much anyway, while I've been leading you by the nose?"
"…I… what are you pulling here?"
"Tell me."
"I don't… I don't understand what you're getting at. I… I know you've been lying to me. But why… why wouldn't I want to help your mother?"
"…Pull over."
"Wh-why?"
"Do it. I don't want you to crash my car with what I'll tell you next."
"Wh-what do you—"
"Pull over first, then I'll tell you."
She stared at me for a moment, but then obliged.
As the car came to a stop on the side of the road, I looked at Elise and Ken.
Elise had a sad but determined look, and Ken had a conflicted and slightly scared one. They both knew what would be coming out of my mouth next.
And they both gave me a nod.
Once we had stopped, Willow turned to look over her shoulder and asked while looking me straight in the eyes.
"So?"
"It's about my mother."
"Wh-what about her?"
"Willow… she wasn't kidnapped…"
Her eyes went wide.
"She was murdered."
Her face turned pale.
Her mouth opened, but no words came out.
…She turned back around in her seat and stared forward before continuing.
"You're lying."
"I'm sorry."
"But… that site. The police. She was kidn—"
"I altered the crime scene by hiding and later disposing of her ashes, so the police can't frame me."
"…No. No, that can't—"
"Elise and Ken helped me with that."
She stared in shock at Ken, who gave a nod, and then Elise…
"I'm so sorry," Elise said to her with guilt.
It made tears stream down her cheeks.
And rage rise in her gaze.
Directed at me.
"How could you!? How could—"
"Because of James. Because the shadow might have been listening. Because you might not have agreed to help otherwise."
"Why!? How can you!? Don't you feel any—"
"No, I can't grieve for her properly. Not… not until he's dealt with."
"What do you mean you can't—"
"That's what my father made of me, and what you want to become to be like me."
The tears in her eyes increased. And instead of saying something else, she turned around and looked forward again.
…After a minute or two of audibly sobbing, working through this revelation, she silently and hesitantly spoke up again.
"Jack… Ruby… she's really dead?"
"…Yes, I'm sorry."
"…Did she… suffer…"
"No… he… he broke her neck first. It was painless."
"…Was it… Damian?"
"It was my father, yes."
"Th-then why that stalker!? Was… was that a lie?"
"No. My father had sent that stalker to kill my mother eventually. But since the Whiteout, he did it himself."
"Why!? Why would he—"
"Because he wants me. My mother was just in the way."
…*Sob*.
She continued crying for another minute. And then…
She grew quiet and turned around to me again, with red eyes.
Determined.
"What do we… what do we do now?"
"…Willow, I'm sorry for lying to you. And… if you don't want to help me anymore, I understand."
"No… I… understand why you had to do it. But…"
"…But?"
"But why did your mother…"
"Love him? She… my father only showed his best side to her for years, until she couldn't believe or see that there was anything else anymore. Even if… even if someone tried to convince her otherwise."
"…"
"And… James too… And I… my father ruined me too. All this, just so he can get me back again.."
"…Jack."
I looked into her eyes.
"Thanks for telling me."
Now my eyes went wide.
"Don't thank me. I… I should have found a way to tell you sooner, or—"
"Don't go there now. You… focus on your mother now. What… what do we do against your father?"
"…If you want to talk more about my mother, about me, you can."
"I… later maybe. I… I haven't… Your father. What do we do?"
"Are you sure you still want to help—"
"Yes. …I never met her, but… I owe a lot to her. I… she inspired me… kept me going through tough times… so… I'll get the bastard who did that to her, don't you worry.
"...Thank you. …I'm sure she would have loved you."
"S-shut up! Damian, what's the plan?"
"…The same as I said before. Stay in New Freedom looking for the stalker, and get James some powers that let him stand his ground against the shadow."
"Why… why don't we just rush to… what was it, Great Falls and—"
"Kill him? The mansion has bodyguards all over and around him. We're not strong enough. We'll need James if we go that route. But we don't have to kill him. We can—"
"What do you mean, not kill him!? Of course we—"
"That stalker. Once we get our hands on him, make him confess and deliver him to the right people, like the Red Party. They can handle the rest to get my father out of the picture."
"You've gotta be kidding me! After what he did to your mother, you just want to—"
"It isn't just about my mother, Willow!"
She recoiled from my outburst, but I continued speaking.
"He still has my siblings. That servant Cassandra he's sending to us. She's my sister's art tutor. It was a veiled threat. He's holding her hostage because I'm trying to get James on my side."
"You… you don't know that."
"And we'll never stand a chance without James. And James… you saw him. He can't go against my father. Even if… even if I tell him everything now, he won't believe me and will scurry back to Washington by himself. And if I kill our father, as my brother is right now, he might try to kill me too."
"…He wouldn't—"
"Really? After that whole previous fiasco, you think he wouldn't with complete certainty?"
"…N-no. Not with complete certainty, but—"
"Ken?"
"…Absolutely not. He… remember he pointed that gun and shot at you in that building? Like he is now, I don't trust him at all to tell him everything," he said with conviction, which Willow also noticed.
"If I get that stalker and make him tell the truth before James about what my father has done, then it might convince him. I have to try that first."
"…Might?"
"And you, Willow. James needs you too, please. I… I believe you can make a difference too for him. To free him from our father."
"…I told you. I… I don't know how, Jack."
"…My father had been hiding stuff from my mother. …I had been hiding stuff from Elise… And James is hiding stuff from you. Please… try to drag it out of him. I won't ask you to accept it. Just… just please, try to help him."
"…What… what would he be hiding? That… Damian sent him to court me?"
"That's a part of it, but no. It's… it's more."
"More? I… you know, right? Why don't you just tell me?"
"I can't."
"Why not!?"
"Because if you learn it from me, if you realize it because of me, James will know, and he'll dismiss it. Deny it. Say I've been manipulating you. It has to come from you for him to open up. That's… that's the only way…"
"Goddammit! Do you realize what you're asking!? I… I don't even know what you're talking about…"
"…I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't believe in you."
"What's there to believe!? What can I do that you can't!? Huh!? Tell me!"
"I admire you."
"Huh!?"
Willow suddenly looked completely flabbergasted and stole glances at Elise while staring at me. But I didn't focus on her. I was focused completely on Willow.
"In that building, you didn't run away. You stayed, for what you believed in, even if it might have cost you your life. You… stayed behind here, instead of going back to your family. I… I don't think I would have…"
"That's… what are you saying, you idiot! That… that has nothing to do with—"
"In… if you had been in that sparring ring. Would… would you have killed her too?"
"…I… I don't—"
"You do know. I… I know that you know. Please… tell me…"
"I… I…"
Willow carefully considered her words, also looking at Elise in between, but eventually, after looking into my eyes for a long while, she gave her verdict.
"I would have threatened my own life."
At that moment, I felt like her words had pierced my heart with absolution.
"Ah… I see… that might have…"
"No! No, wait a minute!" Elise suddenly yelled next to me.
I turned my head in shock to her.
She was staring at both me and Willow with shocked and saddened eyes. And she continued speaking to me.
"It wasn't your fault! Don't… please don't throw your life away!"
"El-Elise, I…"
"Please don't. Every time… you hurt yourself, consider hurting yourself. It… it hurts me too. Please don't…"
"I… It would be a threat. I wouldn't—"
"Promise me. Please promise me," she begged, grabbing my left hand.
"I… I… it might have saved her if—"
"You didn't know. You couldn't have known. Why do you always… why do you always think you're the one who needs to suffer!?"
"I don't. But there's no one else—"
"We're here! We're here for you! We can help too! Share the pain and burden with you! Think of something so that nobody has to suffer!"
"…But you don't know either. How I could have saved her."
Elise bit her lip and looked away.
"Elise is right. You shouldn't give yourself up if there is no reason not to," Willow interrupted.
"…But threatening your life is okay?"
"As long as it's a—"
"And what about in that building then? Was that also a threat?"
"I… my reasons were… If I didn't, I might have felt as if I had died anyway."
"And I wouldn't?"
"…I don't know. But you shouldn't have to feel like that, ever. …I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
"…No. I asked for it. Thank you for telling the truth."
"…"
The whole car was silent. Everybody was staring down…
"Sorry to interrupt your pity party, but she asked you to, right?"
"…Huh?"
We all stared at Ken, who decided to interrupt us.
"What are you—"
"That girl, in Spanish, she asked you to kill her, right?"
"Y-yes, but—"
"And you did what she wanted. It was horrible, but it was the best you could do for her in that moment."
"I… I shouldn't have."
"You couldn't save her, but you might have saved her family. And more importantly, yourself."
"…That's not—"
"You both did what you could at that moment, despite not being able to do what you really needed to do."
"Wh-what do—"
"Kill your father."
I gasped. The whole car did. But Ken continued unperturbed.
"Your father is what got you in that situation. Killed your mother. Ruined your childhood and your brother's. He's holding your sister hostage and probably ruined her childhood too if the pattern holds. So spare the guilt-tripping. It will only get in the way now. We have to deal with your father. That's the only way to make up for everything that he has done. I'm sure that after that… after you've avenged them… you can properly face everything."
"…I… I can't just ignore it until—"
"Well, you have to. Only you can deal with your father, and he'll use your guilt against you. He has already, with what he did to Elise and her dad."
"I know that. That's why I'm trying to work through it."
"Well. It clearly isn't working, so stop it. I think it's only making it worse, right?" he asked the other two women.
Willow looked stunned at Ken's logic, but eventually nodded in agreement. Elise… well, she stared me in the eyes with a sad look and nodded too.
"…Okay. I… you're right. My… my father comes first. So… I'll manage until then. …Thanks."
"You're welcome. Now, should we continue driving? I think your brother and father would be suspicious if we arrived way behind them. Although we could always blame it on Willow's horrible driving."
"…Very funny, for someone who can't drive. But you make a point. Shall we?" Willow asked me.
"Y-yes. …You can step on the gas too, if you're… comfortable we won't crash. I'm sure the police would be too busy to patrol the highways. We didn't meet any cops or other cars on the way to and from Philadelphia."
"Oh! That's a good idea. I always wanted to drive on the Autobahn once!"
…I already regretted saying that.
But… well… I still had to ask…
"Willow, all that aside, my brother…"
She froze again, but I continued…
"Just try and think on your own and be yourself. That's all I believe you need to do."
"…Yeah, real simple… especially since I have no idea—"
"Um," Elise suddenly interrupted.
We all now stared at her… but she just looked at Willow…
"Maybe I can help you with James?"
"Huh!? Wh-what do you mean!?" she asked Elise, and then looked at me for an answer.
But I was staring at Elise too. I had no idea where this came from.
"I mean… you're going to teach me judo, so I want to help you too somehow. And… it can't come from Jack, but I can help her, right?" Elise asked me in the end.
"…I mean, yes, you can. I just… hadn't considered it."
"Does she know something I don't?" Willow asked me.
"No… even less, but two heads are better than one, so—"
"Well, there you have it. Let's figure out how we can help James together, okay?" Elise said with a kind smile to Willow.
And Willow stared wide-eyed at Elise, but… she had a hint of reassurance too.
"Um… if you're okay with it. Then… thanks. Although… I don't know…"
"We'll figure it out together. I'm sure of it."
"O-okay. Um… well… I'll start driving then… or do you want to offer your help too, support boy?"
"…Depends. What's in it for me?" Ken responded cautiously, sensing an upcoming teasing mood.
"Well… it's not the first time I've set up two males for a date," she said while starting to drive again.
"…Please. I'd rather have you teach me some judo too. Then I can cut out the middlewoman."
"Pfft. Well, sure. Actually, I might have something better in mind for you, but it's a surprise."
"…I don't like surprises."
"Oh, you'll like this one. I guarantee it."
"…Especially from women."
"Oh, grow up. Actually, do you have a tragic backstory or deep trauma you want to share with us too?"
"…Well, I was bullied until Elise couldn't stand watching it anymore. Jack taught me to throw a punch. I did. Bullying over. I became friends with them. Parents are still overprotective traditional assholes who force me to study endlessly. They locked me up when the Whiteout happened. I asked Jack and Elise to kidnap me, and now I'm also staying at Elise's while helping Jack."
"…Wow. Six out of ten."
"That low?"
"Well, the bar has been raised substantially since today."
"What about you then, scarface?"
"Me? Hm… seven and a half."
"Must be quite a story then."
"You wondering how I got this scar? Well… fencing accident."
"…Seriously?"
"Oh, there is a story behind it, but since I'm in the driver's seat, I'm privileged not to share."
"That's how it works. Maybe I'll ask you for driving lessons instead of Jack then."
"…Well, if Jack agrees," she said while looking at me through the mirror again, with some expectation in her eyes.
"Sure. I'd have asked James, but you'll manage just fine teaching these two. You three can also gossip about me and James then."
"Tch, figured it out, huh? Well, Ken, when you're able to drive as flawlessly as me, I'll tell you."
"Sure. With such a great teacher, I for sure will have learned in no time. Is almost constantly crashing the car in the beginning also part of the learning experience?"
"Well, it depends if you're into having a gun against your head."
…Ken and Willow continued bickering while we were all pushed back against our seats, since our driver had the gas pedal fully pressed down. Luckily, Willow seemed to have a good handle on the car, so I wasn't too worried. Not that I didn't use that as an excuse to keep holding and stroking Elise's hand, since she was a bit more… unsure about everyone's safety..
…We also kept stealing glances at each other. Because… there were still things left unsaid between us. But this wasn't the time nor place, so I eventually leaned down and whispered in her ear.
"Let's talk more later when we're alone, okay?"
Elise squeezed my hand softly and gave me a small nod. I smiled softly at her, which made her also smile. She scooted closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder. We two stayed silent, enjoying the moment despite the bickering and the rollercoaster speed of the car.
…I… felt more at ease, like a weight had dropped off my shoulders. …Because I had told them about that girl, and Willow the truth about my mother and the rest.
Still… I felt the great weight of all I still had to do.
But now, for this short drive, I could enjoy the moment of being unburdened.
Until I got back to Elise's, where my next obstacle might already be waiting.
The servant my father had sent to us.
Cassandra.