Seconds passed and turned into minutes but Bernhard stayed same his hands hung loosely at his sides, eyes red, lips glistening due to the saliva coted over them because of licking them continuously.
At last finally the silence was broken "I... I don't know, I mean I don't even understand what, what I am feeling right now" Bernhard said and looked across him at woman who sat there.As he said his voice lacked the sharpness, the clarity no matter how he tried to hold it and at last his voice cracked at end and the chair creaked under the weight of him as he shifted his weight ,dragging the chair more closer to the bed and looked at Volker and then again at Amara .
Meanwhile Amara , she said nothing for a moment and just stared at Bernhard her eyes showed concern, her lips were pressed in a thin as if she was choosing her words that never came out.
"I mean... this, this is so confusing, like feeling so many things at once and you don't even know what it is. . I mean I don't even know what I am feeling ,they..." he paused and bit his lips and then "I don't even what I am feeling is .... it's.., it's like you know a heat that burns everywhere, from inside to out , it's, it's like shadow , a feeling that doesn't leaves you no matter how much you try, I just... ,I don't know what to name it. " He said and let out a breathe which he didn't know from when he had been holding but this time his voice didn't lacked the clarity but still it cracked at edges, when he talked about how the heat felt and how the shadow that never leaves. His eyes we're glossy, glistening due the tears he didn't shed, he blinked hard erasing the tears before they even fell, before they even came to verge of it.
Amara, she sat there frozen listening to the man across her, for a moment she didn't know to what to say it was as if the words had got stuck in her throat, she gulped hard for something she didn't even knew herself maybe because of what the man across her felt or something that was meant to be buried inside layers of memories long ago.
For moment neither of them spoke, neither did Amara nor did Bernhard. It was silent except the sound of cold breeze swaying gently, the ticking of clock and the tangling of curntains due to the wind.
And then "It's okay to feel , you know?" Amara said and looked at Bernhard with a reassuring smile who was looking at her with a frown. "This all..., all of this what you are feeling right now, it's all right to feel ,all of this" she said still looking at the man across her who was still looking at her but now with something mixed with the frown maybe confusion but not utterly lost still here and still hearing and that was enough for Amara to continue " Because..., "she paused because of the crack in her voice, she gulped hardly once again and then she said as if to herself " Because ..these emotions , these feelings and everything, everything which we feel no matter if it's anger, guilt, love,or happiness and most of all pain, because these.., these are the things that makes us humans."hervoice was low as if saying too loud would break something inside her that she had worked years to build. And then "Because humans does feel and we, before being a man or female, a Katholiken, Evangelical or Konfessionslose Or anything by which we are different, by which we are seperated still we all are, humans".she said though her voice lacked the confidence but not the clarity, not it's purpose but still it cracked at the edges no matter how hard she tried not to.
Bernhard, he listened , carefully and attentively without meddling or cutting in, just listening.Listening like a child who listens to whatever their parents when in return they are promised for something they do love and crave. And Bernhard at now he didn't just craved for something that would help him to loosen his mind, his thoughts or anything that was keeping in that shadow , he needed , he wanted that conversation maybe because now he realized that right now that how badly he needed it, how badly he wanted to talk to someone who would understand him and at last don't judge him.
And Amara she just stared at her hand which was curled in her lap, she didn't know, didn't know how she was finally bury the past not in depth but enough to forget for a moment and talk so freely because the shadow didn't just haunted Bernhard , it haunted her and maybe that was the reason she understood Bernhard better than anyone but still not like Volker.
The air was still for a moment as if understanding the tension in the air and letting two people drift in their past from which they ran but still never escaped, from the shadow they fought but never won.
And then Amara spoke again eyes still casted down on her lap but this time her voice didn't cracked but still hesitated at first but then confidently not completely but still "I know it's kind of more than confusion of swirling emotions but it's always like that humans have been always that way" she said and finally looked at Bernhard who was holding Volker hand in a firm grip not enough to hurt but enough to remind that he was still there and still waiting , he was looking at him and when he felt Amara eyes at him he looked at her.
For a moment Amara didn't said anything and then she said as if afraid to break the fragile silence which has settled down not dramatically but slowly "I know, that..., that you must be feeling guilty to not being able to save him" At this point she looked at Volker then let out a breathe and again looked at Bernhard and continued " Well it's natural to feel it, humans ,no matter how selfish they are, but when it comes to the person they care for you can say that they are the most selfless and so are you. I don't know what type of person you are but I just can say that for Volker you are selfless, not caring about yourself." she paused pressing her lips in a line.
And then continued "So I just want to say one thing, you don't have to be angry on yourself or feel guilty for whatever happened because, humans can do anything but except changing there fate. And you can't change your fate, no one could. Fate has it's own ways, so whatever happened it wasn't your mistake, nothing ever was, it is this way because it was meant to be this way and for that you don't have to be guilty instead you should be happy that you were able to bring him here in time. " she completed herself and this time she didn't wait for any response just sat there in silence which was calm but not empty, it was as if weighted with something unspoken.
"So you are saying it's just a phase " Bernhard said, he had not spoken in this minutes not until Amara completed.
At this Amara looked at him with frown as if the statement personally offended him"No, I didn't mean that , I meant that you don't have to worry about it or feel suffocate because of it, it's normal and usual thing to feel and everyone feel when they can't protect something they held close to their heart"she paused and for a moment the frown disappered from her face and instead of it something like fragile passed through them "something they were ready to protect from their soul no matter if they had lose themselves in it" she paused and then "got that ? " she said with determination in her voice and written across her face.
"Yes, miss"Bernhard replied with a chuckle which he tried hard to not to let out.
There was a moment of silence, no one spoke. But it was that kind of which was heavy with unspoken words instead it was loosen, no tension anymore lingered in the air . It was a kind of silence that made the atmosphere feel warm and calm. The cold breeze swayed gently in the room makig the translucent curtains to tangle and cause soft noise in the atmosphere.
" And also I would suggest you to go to your room and rest, and if you want you can come again tomorrow "Amara said as she stood up and began to adjust the blanket around Volker.
The chair creaked beneath Bernhard as he got up and then looked at Amara and said " Well ,thank you for the conservative I didn't even knew myself how much I needed it" his voice was calm and there was a sincerity in it as he spoke .
Amara who was now closing the windows not allowing the cold breeze to enter the room anymore looked at Bernhard and said "You don't need to thank for it, I mean you and your friend had been in battlefield since months, like the war started in February and now it's almost June. It's been months and who knows how long it will go on. Moreover I kept wondering how you found that strength to fight there for months? " her voice held seriousness but also a lightness was present in it.
"But still, anyways war isn't as horrible as you think if you want I can probe it to you" Bernhard said while almost standing near the door and holding the knob.
"Do I look like a fool to you, huh? " Amara said and eyed him suspiciously and then huffed out a breathe andwalked upto Bernhard and stood facing him "You know what, you don't have to prove it to me. I can see those dozen of soldiers here and that's enough to send chills to my bones. " she said and then pressed her lips and said "And now seeing your conditions I suggest you to go to the place wherever your resident is and have rest and as I said before you can show that face of yours tomorrow morning again if you please. " her voice was impatient and hurried the kind of when things don't go according to how people wish.
"Ok , miss as you please" Bernhard said and opened the door and walked out while giving Amara a last glace. He didn't know from morning to till now when he felt this calm and finally at peace without feeling that shadow or burn. Maybe the shadow was still not gone, maybe it was still there but for now he didn't care, for now everything felt right, those feeling , those cries they paid off not to early but at last , those prayers were finally heard they didn't go in vain and Volker he was safe , breathing beneath the tucked blankets and so was he, finally at last he felt like human who didn't just saw everything but overcame all of it, like a warrior who didn't just fought battles but also won them.
Meanwhile with Amara as Bernhard left she closed the door behind him and walked back to the chair near the bed , she sat and then stared at Volker, she didn't until when, maybe seconds or minutes and then whispered in tiny voice not to herself but to the man who laid peacefully under the tucked sheets unaware of anything "You are lucky, I hope you know that" she paused but continued to stare "And I won't admit it but I am jealous of you, I wish I had someone like Bernhard" she said in a low murmur and then she slided her cold hands in the warm ones of Volker and looked at him as if he meant more than anything in the world and then she wispered she didn't even knew now that it was for Volker or herself "Everything gonna be okay, believe me" she said her voice cracked at edges so she didn't said further but her eyes spoke they were glossy glistening in the light of arc lamp, her eyes they showed the raw emotion the kind of when you are afraid to lose something which you held close to your heart.
And in that cold night where everything was still Amar sat beside Volker holding his hand in hers cheeks not damp but eyes stinging. Outside the world moved but inside in that room everything was still, as if holding itself for whatever was going to coming and Amara ,she just stared at the man laid on bed until her burned and lips treambled. And the man on the bed laid unaware and unaffected of everything, everything that has been happened since he has lost his consciousness.