Sometimes, I see it in my dreams.
"Father, I got a perfect score again!"
".... I see."
Memories from the past; memories of me and my father, Tetsudai.
They were nothing more than dry exchanges, hardly worthy of being called real memories. There I was, with a wide grin, showing him an exam paper with a perfect score, and there he was, accepting it with cold indifference.
But I can never see his face. No matter how many times this dream repeats, my father's features remain blurred and obscured.
I wonder why?
I think about it often, but I never find an answer.
— "You never truly tried to look at Ritsu-san."
Suddenly, those words Koro-sensei once said to me flashed through my mind. It was back when I tried to use cold logic to silence Ritsu; the teacher had offered that gentle rebuke.
Why are those words resurfacing now? I don't know. And because I don't know, I keep ruminating on them.
Did I not look at him? Do you mean I wasn't looking at my father?
That's impossible. At that time, I craved his praise so desperately that I watched every minute detail of his reactions with my entire being.
So, it's not possible. It is impossible that I wasn't looking at him; I can say that with absolute certainty.
As soon as I thought that, the haze covering my father's face in the dream began to lift, and I started to see his features as they were then. He was a young father, his hair not yet touched by gray. .... Wait, does he even have gray hair now? I don't actually know.
In the past, perhaps I looked, but it seems that in the present, I have stopped looking at him altogether. But that's fine, isn't it? He never looked at me from the start, anyway.
I woke up from my sleep submerged in these thoughts. Perhaps the reason I had this dream is that today is Friday—the day I meet my father.
Even though it's the first day of summer vacation, I can't explain why I feel this heavy sense of dread. If there were a stone in front of me right now, I'd kick it with all my might just to vent this surge of anger.
I got out of bed at exactly 6:00 AM. Despite the holiday, my eyes opened at their usual time instinctively.
"I have nothing to do.. what now?"
I tossed and turned in bed out of boredom. When hunger finally nipped at me, I went downstairs for breakfast, only to return and mope in bed again.
Damn it, the emptiness is lethal. It was 9:00 AM, and for a moment, I considered going to school to train as usual. Suddenly, there was a light knock on my door.
"Hmm?"
"Kei-ichi, there's a call for you from the school. Principal Asano is asking for you."
".... The.. Principal?"
My grandmother mentioned that unsettling name so early in the morning. I walked down the stairs, trembling slightly, and picked up the receiver.
Had I made a mistake? Lately, I hadn't done anything remotely delinquent. In fact, a call from Principal Asano was suspicious in itself, crossing the line from worrying to downright eerie.
"I'm here. This is Kei-ichi. Good morning, Principal."
"Hello. Good morning, Nozaki-kun."
I felt a terrifying aura radiating from the other end of the line. Truly, this man is the "Final Boss" of Kunugigaoka Junior High. It's amazing how his presence transmits through a phone; even though I had done nothing wrong, cold sweat nearly broke out the moment I pressed the receiver to my ear.
I waited for his words, wondering why he called. Even without entering "Absolute Focus," it felt like hours had passed before he spoke the next sentence.
"Nozaki-kun. Do you have any specific plans for today?"
"No, nothing in particular...."
"Well, that's good then. Can you come to the school in a little while? There is a matter I would like to discuss with you face-to-face."
".... I don't mind. What time should we meet?"
"Let's say exactly 10:00 AM. I will be waiting for you."
"Understood. I'll be there."
"Good. I'll see you then."
The dial tone echoed in my ear. What could he possibly want? My mind stalled at this rare event—a summons from the Great Leader—but I managed to move my body, put on my school uniform, and head out.
"Grandma, I'm heading to school for a bit—"
"Alright, dear. Be careful."
My grandfather was deep into a game of Gomoku. I passed him and left the house. I hadn't gone far when my phone rang, and Ritsu appeared on the screen.
"Nozaki-san, are you going for a stroll?"
"Yeah, I'm heading to school. I've been summoned to the Main Building."
"I see.. that's a shame. I designed a shooting game aimed at assassinating Koro-sensei, and I really wanted you to help me test it."
That sounded interesting, but...
"I'm sorry. I'll stop by the classroom after I'm done. As for the game.. ask Kanzaki-san.. and also, you could invite Sugino along."
I had heard from Sugino during baseball practice that Kanzaki-san is actually very skilled at video games—something they discovered during the school trip. Someone like her would give much better technical feedback than a novice like me. As for Sugino, he's just an "extra"; since he clearly likes Kanzaki, this was just a small favor for him. It's the least I could do.
"Do your best, Sugino," I thought dismissively. After a few minutes of walking, I arrived at the school.
I arrived, but...
"Principal, it's Nozaki."
"Come in."
When I entered the office, I didn't find the stern man who usually instills dread with his leader's aura. Instead, I found Principal Asano smiling warmly—and popping a party cracker right in my face!
"Welcome. Congratulations on taking first place in the overall rankings, Nozaki-kun."
".... Thank you very much."
I couldn't help but question his intentions. I tried to read his expression, but it was useless. I'm terrible at these psychological games and diversions. I stood there, stunned by the mental endurance of Asano (the son) who eats breakfast every morning in front of this monster. For me, that would be impossible.
For one thing, I can't even eat with my own father, Tetsudai; the atmosphere between us is suffocating. In that sense, maybe Asano actually deserves some respect.
"You truly proved to be a worthy rival for the student I have tutored the longest. This massive leap of yours has a delightful narrative quality; the person who broke and settled for last place, then regained his spirit, tasted defeat, and finally stood at the top. I see a very compelling plot in your story."
This was rare. I had never seen Principal Asano praise someone so directly before. Of course, I wasn't close enough to him to know his different sides, so it was only natural to find this strange.
"By the way, why was I called here? Surely you didn't summon me just to offer praise, did you?"
"Precisely. As expected, you are quick-witted. In fact, I wanted to give you a choice."
"A choice? From the Principal himself?"
"Yes. A transfer to Class A. That is the choice I am placing in your hands."
".... Is that all?"
It completely defied my expectations. A transfer to Class A.. normally, returning to the higher classes requires the approval of the homeroom teacher, where the student submits a request and the teacher accepts it. But for the Principal himself to intervene and offer me the return was something I never anticipated.
There had to be something behind this.
"Why me specifically?"
"I have no hidden motive. It is standard procedure at this time of year to reach out to Class E students who have achieved certain results. But I know you won't be convinced by that justification. Very well, let me share a part of my educational philosophy: my sole goal is to raise 'strong' students."
"Strong students?"
I didn't quite grasp what he was getting at. Strength comes in many forms: strength of heart, physical power, authority, violence, intellect, or the strength to overcome adversity. Which kind did he mean?
"Yes. A student who can, if necessary, sacrifice others as an offering so that he alone may survive. That is the kind of student I mean."
"That's...."
The words almost tumbled out of my mouth to say that isn't strength, it's "cruelty," but I remembered what I did to Ritsu. When Ritsu had first transferred, I used logic to convince her to cooperate, effectively silencing her. That action, viewed from another angle, could be interpreted as me imposing logic to kill her free will.
Was I not trying to sacrifice Ritsu to restore the "normal" classroom atmosphere for myself? When I reached this conclusion, I instinctively shut my mouth.
"It seems you have memories that confirm what I say."
I couldn't respond to Principal Asano's words.
"You, in a sense, represent the completed form of my education. Even when you came to negotiate the removal of Mr. Takaoka, it was the same thing; you sacrificed Takaoka's position and pride in order to bring back Mr. Karasuma. Isn't that right?"
"That...."
It wasn't wrong. And because it wasn't wrong, I couldn't speak. I wanted to deny it, but the words wouldn't leave my throat.
"You are talented, Nozaki-kun. Your thinking is logical, your combat skills are exceptional, and you proved in the final exam that you possess sufficient knowledge. Someone like you is most deserving of a seat in Class A.. indeed, of the top spot in the grade. That is how I see it."
"If your son, who is always at the top, heard this, he would weep with bitterness."
"Fufufu.. Asano-kun would laugh. He said that despite losing the wager, he discovered a precious treasure."
I replied with a bitter smile, trying to stay alert. He couldn't have summoned me just to create a rival for his son in Class A. If that were the case, he's a teacher obsessed with his students and a father obsessed with his son. I hoped he'd count me out; I didn't want to get tangled in family drama.
"Furthermore, I think your father would appreciate this achievement."
"That's impossible. That can't happen."
Words I didn't expect came from the Principal, but I knew with certainty they were impossible, so I denied it immediately. If that stiff father of mine were going to recognize me for just this, I wouldn't have suffered all these years. My father, who never praised me even once.
".... Very well, no matter. Please think about it carefully. I will wait for your answer until just before the end of summer vacation. I hope you make a wise decision."
The meeting took thirty minutes. The interview with Principal Asano ended with those words. I left feeling a mix of frustration and relief, and began the climb up the Class E mountain.
I had expected the Principal to ask something complicated or act with his usual "Final Boss" arrogance and tell me to "try harder," but it was different.
As I was climbing, I ran into Takebayashi. He was wearing his school uniform too, and it looked like he had just come from the Main Building like me. His face was pale. Could he have.. been in the same situation?
"Hey, Takebayashi. Are you going to Class A too?"
"Nozaki.... from the way you're talking, it seems you received the same offer."
Bad predictions always come true. It seemed Takebayashi had received an offer to transfer exactly like I had. This move was certainly aimed at creating a rival for Asano, while simultaneously tearing apart the unity of Class E and ruining its atmosphere. This Principal.. he really has a nasty personality.
"What should I do...."
".... Are you worried about this too?"
"What do you think I'm thinking?"
"I just thought you'd announce your stay in Class E without hesitation."
"..."
I surprised even myself. I thought I'd laugh mockingly and tell him to "go to hell," but something was stuck in my throat, preventing me from doing so.
"I'm going.. I'm transferring to Class A."
"....!"
Takebayashi had already made his decision. I gasped in surprise. Was he going to give up 10 billion yen? Before I could speak, he took the lead.
"Yesterday, for the first time, I was able to go and tell them the exam results."
".... I see."
What did they say to him, I wondered? I had heard about his family circumstances before. A family that considers success a given. His parents and siblings don't even consider Takebayashi a member of the family because he is a "failure" in their eyes. His circumstances are different from mine, but in a way, our families are similar. Curiosity was killing me to know the words thrown in his face, perhaps because I placed myself in his shoes in some corner of my heart.
"Well, I'll be going now."
".... Goodbye."
I could do nothing but see Takebayashi off as he walked away.
●○●○●
I loitered in many places to kill time before returning home. When I looked at the clock, it was past 5:00 PM. I had to go back now or face my grandfather's massive temper, so I returned reluctantly. Friday is an exceptional day..
.. because my father, Tetsudai, was coming.
When I arrived home, I found my father's car there as expected, though I hadn't invited him. I felt a mix of boredom and tension as I walked through the door. I tried to avoid my grandparents' worried glances and entered the guest room.
".... Kei-ichi."
".... Hello."
I gave a slight nod and sat in the spot my grandmother had prepared for me, on the zabuton with a cup of tea in front of me, then lowered my head as usual.
There was nothing to say. No topics for discussion. For the past ten years, I had told him about getting first place in exams repeatedly, and every time he didn't give me a second thought, so I no longer wanted to bring it up myself.
So, I expected the meeting to end in the usual silence. However, something completely unexpected happened; a bolt from the blue.
".... There was an exam, wasn't there?"
He spoke! Good heavens. My mind blanked for a second, not processing what happened, but I couldn't stay silent, so I answered as quickly as possible.
"Ah, yes. The final exam."
".... Yes. I was surprised when Principal Asano called me."
I was the one surprised for two reasons: first, that the Principal had contacted my father and stuffed his head with something, and second, that this was the longest conversation we'd had since I was born. My father, who usually only uttered "Yes" and "I see," was now speaking a full sentence.
".... You were first in the grade, weren't you? .... You did well."
"── What?"
The words I had waited fifteen years to hear came out now, quite simply. This sent my thoughts into a frenzy; I was tongue-tied, and all words were stolen from me. What did he just say to me?
".... From last place to fifty-first, then to the lead. You amazed me. Can I see the grade report?"
"Ah.. eh.. yes, of course."
I went to get the report that I had only shown my grandparents and showed it to him. Honestly, I feel like I'm in a dream. Is what's happening before me real? Seeing my father speak in sentences longer than two words is something I have never witnessed in my life. And this same father is speaking more than one sentence to me now, making me feel completely disconnected from reality.
I am now.. having a "conversation" with my father. It's different from those days when I was throwing the ball alone, and different from the cold war and silence that had reigned since our falling out. I feel, for the first time, that we are exchanging words like normal people.
".... The Principal told me I should talk to you more. I thought I was doing that, but I couldn't. The older you get, the more you resemble your mother, and I didn't know what words to direct toward you."
"...."
Is this how my father really feels? The words I had craved to hear for years are coming out now. My mind remained in a state of confusion. Was he thinking about my mother to the point that he needed someone else to push him to make this decision? What happened between him and my mother that made him lose the ability to speak every time he sees me resembling her? I don't know. Even though he finally started talking, I can't understand his intentions at all.
".... I'm going on a business trip for about two months. I won't be able to come here. So, there is something I want to say now."
My father paused for a moment, then spoke.
"I expect a lot from you, always and forever. .... I heard you might return to Class A in the new semester, right? .... Do your best."
My father said that, then stood up and left without waiting for my response. Before I could feel resentful that he said what he wanted and left, I felt intense bewilderment.
Expect a lot from me? Always and forever? Then why didn't you give me those words when I needed them most? Why did you decide to say them only now?
.... No, I know. I know Principal Asano is the one pulling the strings in the shadows; my father's tongue slipped and revealed that just a moment ago. But that's not it. Despite knowing the reason and the catalyst, there is a lump in my chest and throat that still bothers me.
— "Furthermore, I think your father would appreciate this achievement."
That damn Principal.... if your goal was to make me think this way, you have succeeded brilliantly. I have been placed before an extremely difficult choice.
Do I choose to assassinate Koro-sensei and stay in Class E, or do I respond to my father's expectations and transfer to Class A? They are both incredibly difficult choices. I can't consult anyone.. this is a problem I have to think through and solve for myself.
Do I choose the future of the Earth, or do I choose the future of my family? A middle school student has been burdened with a question he shouldn't have to think about. And I can't drag others around me into a life-altering matter like this.
What should I do? Which path should I take?
The choices are brutal. The future of the Earth or my family? If I choose the Earth, I might lose the future of my family that has just started to appear on the horizon. If I choose my family, it means I will ignore the fact that the Earth might be destroyed and dump the entire burden on my classmates. Also, giving up on the assassination means losing the chance forever to know the truth about Koro-sensei.
".... Do your best, huh."
What should I do my best in? No one gave me the answer.
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